DOE DP/DH just follow them around the house all the time?

[bringwineplease]

I get the feeling this will be a resounding NO from many of you so this is probably more of a vent rather than "is this normal?"

Does anyone else's partners/husbands just follow them from room to room all the time?! It's getting so bad, I feel like I've got another dog!

A few recent examples:
Monday after work, DP comes through to the kitchen to meet me. Stand and chat for a few minutes while I put my bag down, coat off. Tell him I'm going upstairs to get changed... he follows me up the stairs, across the landing, into the dressing room, then I went into the bedroom for my slippers, follows me in there too, back in the dressing room to brush my hair, follows, walk halfway back to the stairs, realise I've forgotten my phone charger so back into the bedroom, and he's right behind me again! Sometimes he's nattering away, other times just watching.

Like the weekend, I walked from the kitchen to the utility to put a wash load on, turn round and he's standing silently watching me load the machine.

Weekend just passed, I thought a miracle had occurred as I had managed to have almost a full bath in peace. Then I heard shuffling outside the door like he's pacing up and down the hall. Then a quiet "hows your bath going?" "yes fine", a few seconds later hes opening the door I said "hey hold on a minute!" and scooped my towel off the floor before he jammed it under the door. He says "why have you put your towel in front of the door?" then looks around the room for a few seconds before turning the extractor fan on! I said "what are you doing? I'm trying to have some peace and quiet!" he just looked at me confused and shut the door again

I know these examples sound silly but he's literally following me from room to room. Even if I'm just running upstairs quickly to get something, he follows me up. Sometimes I'm literally back at the top of the stairs again waiting to go down and catch him there. I said "I was coming right back!" He waits a few seconds pretending he's doing something then comes back down again.

Last Sunday I snapped and said "ffs it's like having a labrador puppy, you follow me everywhere!" he said "what's wrong with that? aren't we supposed to be together at the weekend?"

Its infuriating! I feel suffocated! Thankfully he works nights so I get some peace in the evenings. Does anyone else have this problem???

That is terrifying Woodspritely

@bringwineplease

That is terrifying Woodspritely

The whole thread is terrifying OP.

You don't seem to get how creepy his behaviour is. I'm not saying that in an accusatory way, I'm saying it because I'm keen for you to consider that just because you don't cave in to his controlling behaviour (in your view) it doesn't make his behaviour any less controlling.

He doesn't have any hobbies as such, and he has friends but they've kind of lost touch recently. I suppose it is just me, his family, and his work coworkers.

I'm NC with my family (not because of him!)

I am starting to see that youvegottenminuteslynn Even when I do nip out to the shops of an evening, I find myself thinking "I better make sure I put my keys back where they were otherwise DP will ask why they're moved and I can't be bothered with the questions". I can see just from typing that, this is not normal.

Do you have anyone else? It all sounds very suffocating. Any friends he doesn't like by chance?

@bringwineplease it's good that typing things out is making you realise the behaviour is normal and how much it's changing you.
Maybe you need to start making a plan of moving yourself out of there.
Try not to keep a record of anything at home on paper but do everything in secret notes on your phone/computer, providing he can't access them.

*isn't not is

"I'm NC with my family (not because of him!)"

OP please, please, please....you need to sort this out as soon as possible, he is controlling your life. I know you love him etc but this is coercive control. Please seek help for yourself to get out and get back to your family ASAP.

Sometimes it's a good idea to check showerheads, take them apart and soak them in vinegar. It gets rid of limescale and would reveal any cameras in there.

OP, this is so very far from normal behaviour. Please get out.

DP would assume the opposite I suppose. I'm saying I put the keys back where they were because I know DP will question me. He would say I'm putting them back where they were because I'm trying to hide the fact I went to the shops - hence he needs to keep snooping. I'm not trying to hide anything - certainly not something as boring as a trip to Tesco. Whose behavior is odd though? Both at this stage.

That's bonkers! Couldn't stand it. You need to have a chat with him about this behaviour.

His behaviour is obviously worse but you've been in the situation for so long that your behaviour is changing, even if only slightly that I guess it could now be considered odd.
But you are doing it for an easy life and he is doing it for who knows what reason.

I've read through all your posts now OP although not the replies, and reading it in one go like that gives a mass of evidence he is displaying some kind of obsessive behavior. I think the stalking advice helpline posted would be an excellent start.

Also there is a real lack of boundaries, my partner wouldn't rummage round in my wardrobe and I wouldn't look in his either. We might have a rummage on each others desks for tape or pens etc, its not like there is a rule about areas being private. But its not normal to rummage through another persons stuff for no reason. You seem to have accepted that as normal at the start of this thread.

The 'gotcha' attitude and conspiracy theory stuff might be linked (appreciate this is total armchair diagnostics and i'm no expert!) but it sounds like he is getting a hit from 'catching you out' even on really mundane stuff. It's obviously making him feel good, rather than a result of paranoia which might make him more accusatory.

I think he needs more therapy tbh, probably on his own as well as couples.

@bringwineplease you are not odd or shady. Your behaviour is in direct response to his bonkers behaviour.

Sending hugs, because you must feel that you've opened a can of worms with this post.

Jesus this is fucking bonkers. Not normal op. I've read all of the posts and it's got darker and darker! So controlling.

Why would you wnat to stay in this relationship? Stop the comments by leaving him.

Thank you Tyredofallthis1 that really is so appreciated.

@bringwineplease

DP would assume the opposite I suppose. I'm saying I put the keys back where they were because I know DP will question me. He would say I'm putting them back where they were because I'm trying to hide the fact I went to the shops - hence he needs to keep snooping. I'm not trying to hide anything - certainly not something as boring as a trip to Tesco. Whose behavior is odd though? Both at this stage.

Your behaviour is strange because he is fucking mental! He is making you second guess everything you do and be responsible for not triggering his ridiculous need to know every single thing you do / say.

If that isn't coercive control I don't know what is.

If he says he needs to know this stuff or blames it on his mental health then remember, one persons mental health doesn't trump someone else's.

You are not responsible for regulating another adults moods or behaviour.

You said he used to be a bit sulky / stay up til you got back when there was no need when you would go out.

Now he is questioning you on wrappers in the bin, accusing you of lying about who was at work due to the cars there, being annoyed you didn't inform him some cctv near your work has been fixed, querying receipts...

This type of coercive control is insidious and creeps up on you.

Total boiled frog. It's death by a thousand papercuts. One instance of one of these things can be explained away innocently. Doing them constantly is unacceptable and unhealthy as fuck.

Do you want to have children at some point?

Mine follows me around sometimes, but not to that extend.

It's usually when he's bored and has nothing to tinker with. He doesn't realise he's doing it so I usually tell him to stop following me like my sins, we laugh it off and he stops.

@Tempusfudgeit

This is one of the most disturbing threads I've ever read.

Not just his behaviour (seriously psychologically disturbed / criminal) but also yours (minimising, excusing, explaining) Terrifying.

OP, imagine your adult daughter wrote this. Would you laugh and say 'Yes, daughter, this is exactly the life I wished for you' or would you gather her up and run like hell to a place of safety?

I think OP hasn't realised how bad it's become again until she came on here.

You wouldn't want to admit the partner you loved was some unhinged stalker.

OP, this is really creepy.

You say you love him, but love isn't enough. There has to be respect, etc as well.

And he doesn't respect you. He's watching, probably in ways you haven't yet thought of. It's coercion and control, and you're just beginning to realise how far it's gone.

You need to leave. Please, don't bring DC into this. He wil destroy their lives with this behaviour.

You've talked to him.

You've had counselling.

It hasn't worked. Because he doesn't want to stop.

And you are changing your behaviour to accommodate his controlling behaviour.

You need to leave.

It seems to me that he feels very insecure, suffers from extreme separation anxiety and is very unhappy in himself and that's what's behind his desperate need to pin down and catalogue your every move, and to spend every waking minute in your presence. The only time he isn't like this is when he is actively engaged in talking with/being with other people, but as soon as he is alone he wants to be with you, and needs to know your every move,because if you do anything remotely unpredictable it threatens his sense of security. He needs help or he will lose you. You need separate counselling. He needs to own and take responsibility for this own unacceptable behaviour and to seek help to overcome it, and you might need help working out how to respond more effectively to his behaviour.

Do not have children with him

joystir59 I have asked him to consider private counselling. He said he would but wants to wait until he can see a counsellor face to face. He says he didn't get on with the Zoom meetings we had. Well that's not going to be anytime soon is it?!

It's totally the boiled frog analogy.

You are changing your behaviour and reactions to placate him. This is how control works.