DOE DP/DH just follow them around the house all the time?

[bringwineplease]

I get the feeling this will be a resounding NO from many of you so this is probably more of a vent rather than "is this normal?"

Does anyone else's partners/husbands just follow them from room to room all the time?! It's getting so bad, I feel like I've got another dog!

A few recent examples:
Monday after work, DP comes through to the kitchen to meet me. Stand and chat for a few minutes while I put my bag down, coat off. Tell him I'm going upstairs to get changed... he follows me up the stairs, across the landing, into the dressing room, then I went into the bedroom for my slippers, follows me in there too, back in the dressing room to brush my hair, follows, walk halfway back to the stairs, realise I've forgotten my phone charger so back into the bedroom, and he's right behind me again! Sometimes he's nattering away, other times just watching.

Like the weekend, I walked from the kitchen to the utility to put a wash load on, turn round and he's standing silently watching me load the machine.

Weekend just passed, I thought a miracle had occurred as I had managed to have almost a full bath in peace. Then I heard shuffling outside the door like he's pacing up and down the hall. Then a quiet "hows your bath going?" "yes fine", a few seconds later hes opening the door I said "hey hold on a minute!" and scooped my towel off the floor before he jammed it under the door. He says "why have you put your towel in front of the door?" then looks around the room for a few seconds before turning the extractor fan on! I said "what are you doing? I'm trying to have some peace and quiet!" he just looked at me confused and shut the door again

I know these examples sound silly but he's literally following me from room to room. Even if I'm just running upstairs quickly to get something, he follows me up. Sometimes I'm literally back at the top of the stairs again waiting to go down and catch him there. I said "I was coming right back!" He waits a few seconds pretending he's doing something then comes back down again.

Last Sunday I snapped and said "ffs it's like having a labrador puppy, you follow me everywhere!" he said "what's wrong with that? aren't we supposed to be together at the weekend?"

Its infuriating! I feel suffocated! Thankfully he works nights so I get some peace in the evenings. Does anyone else have this problem???

@bringwineplease

I am shocked that people are shocked. It just seems par the course of normal conversation to me now. Does nobody else speak to their spouse about what they got up to at work...?

Yep I ask him how his day was and he asks mine. But it's top level info asked unless one of us WANTS to offer more info.

For example, my OH occasionally has to work out of a public office to fulfil some of his role. I ask when I think he'll be back. How it went. Might ask who else went out of curiosity but that's it. I don't need the address, when he arrived, what he had for lunch, who he talked to, if he stopped for petrol etc etc.

Your OH is controlling. It's not normal to need that amount of detail from someone constantly. It's obsessive and intrusive.

Humans are sociable animals. But also private. We deserve privacy and be seems to have no boundaries.

Can he change? Tbh I highly doubt it given he's tried and it's failed. Don't waste your life with him. Most people aren't like this, honestly.

Theres no way DP has been to the pub my coworker frequents. Its tiny, really cliquey, and coworker knows what DP looks like so would spot him a mile off.
DP is just saying it to get a reaction.

@bringwineplease

You could at least ask why he feels the need to comment on it.

Just making conversation he says.

"it doesn't sound like conversation DP, it sounds like you want to know every minute of my day. It makes me uncomfortable and I want it to stop. Now."

If he can't understand why it's not right, that's not your problem. It's still not right. And if he can't stop it, then the right thing is for you to leave him.

He wants you to know that he is checking up on you, he wants you to know if you "cheat" or even talk to another man he will know.

He wants you to know that you belong to him and are accountable to him about everything in your life.

How do I shut down the intrusive questions?

HighSpecWhistle Thank you. I'll try that.

You leave him then he can’t question you

@bringwineplease

Theres no way DP has been to the pub my coworker frequents. Its tiny, really cliquey, and coworker knows what DP looks like so would spot him a mile off. DP is just saying it to get a reaction.

You said they hadn't met? So co-worker would recognise him from where?

Are you not just tired from living like this OP? Are you not mentally exhausted from defending yourself in your own home and trying to figure out where the next question is leading to?

Are your family nearby OP? I'd be packing a bag and heading there rather than back home after work in your shoes.

This is seriously concerning behaviour and more worrying is the fact you are seemingly blind to it.

I took it to mean that you had recognised the situation from an old thread

Ah!

No.

Just wondered - when you said you hadn't changed any details - whether you'd made the same mistake I did or, perhaps, were almost daring DP to see this thread and bring it up.

So I did a search on your name out of interest.
That's as far as my Miss Marple-ing goes.

I very rarely notice names on here unless someone has said something that really amuses me.

@bringwineplease

How do I shut down the intrusive questions?

By leaving.

But if you persist in thinking he'll change, you tell him that you don't intend to discuss boring details of your day and you'd like to talk about something more interesting. Apart from anything else, it sounds fucking dull to be asked about your Tesco receipts. You'd said you loved spending time with him but I can't see why based on your examples of him 'making conversation'.

You could also remind him that you have been to counselling once over his weird intrusive behaviour and you don't want it to return. But I would be genuinely worried about what happens next, since he has already shown that he can't and won't stop behaving like this.

I had a relationship with a man like this. He also would call me to sit in the room with him if he was doing something that couldn’t be down in another room ie he was having a bath.
He grew up in a large family so was not used to being alone.

@LaMarschallin

if there is a chance DP is reading this I don't want my other usernames broadcast confused

Not sure why you're

I have no idea what your other usernames are and no interest in you aside from this thread.
I mentioned earlier that I'd had an ex stalking me on a forum, but I'd told him what my username was because it was a very innocent activity of mine and I'd no idea he would do that.
I wouldn't tell anyone again.

You said you hadn't changed any details; I pointed out that you had, sensibly, changed one important detail.

Hope you're less now otherwise the wind might change and your little yellow face might stay like that

Why are you being so awkward?!

Clearly OP was just making sure noone outter her which is completely understandable. Stop being obtuse.

Stop being obtuse.

Fret not.

The OP and I have sorted things out.

I'll give you a bit of time to catch up.

Good god, he needs a hobby. He sounds bored and utterly at a loss with how to fill his time.

OP this is a really scary sounding situation. Would it be possible for you to see the CCTV footage from your work? You need outside proof of his stalking you to break through your denial.

I bet there are a ton more little examples of his control over you and knowledge of your whereabouts that you've just dismissed. Your brain doesn't want to process it all because you're in denial.

@LaMarschallin

Stop being obtuse.

Fret not.

The OP and I have sorted things out.

I'll give you a bit of time to catch up.

It was still unnecessary and obtuse.

Sounds like he needs more chores/hobbies!

Ah things have moved on I'll just move myself over here and catch up...

HighSpecWhistle

OP does he have many friends or is his world centred around you and your relationship?

@bringwineplease

The bath thing was very weird. It's not unusual for him to ask "hows it going in there?" because my baths are usually an hour long but he doesn't normally just barge in. And he wasn't looking at me in the bath like I would have expected, he was just looking around the room then turned the noisy fan on for no reason.

Do you think he was checking to see if you were on your phone when you were in the bath?

I have a feeling he thinks you're texting someone.

@bringwineplease

Today's gem: "Why has the showerhead moved? I thought you were having a bath last night?" (Every evening before he goes to work, he asks what my plans are for the night, bath or shower? tv? what time do I plan on going to bed?) Me: I did have a bath last night. Him: then why did you move the showerhead? Me: so I could rinse the bath after I was done...? Him: but why move the showerhead? Me: ......so I could reach it...? Him: oh ok, I was just wondering.

Hmm he seems insecure about something. Did he think you were lying about having a bath? He seems very suspicious.

0808 802 0300 - National Stalking Helpline. They may be able to offer practical advice if you suspect cameras / spyware, or at least point you in the right direction.

As others have pointed out, from what you have written I would suspect both of the above.

You said there’s nowhere to hide a camera in your bathroom. Look at this picture - and it’s only £35! There are plenty of other examples of items tiny cameras can be put into.