DOE DP/DH just follow them around the house all the time?

[bringwineplease]

I get the feeling this will be a resounding NO from many of you so this is probably more of a vent rather than "is this normal?"

Does anyone else's partners/husbands just follow them from room to room all the time?! It's getting so bad, I feel like I've got another dog!

A few recent examples:
Monday after work, DP comes through to the kitchen to meet me. Stand and chat for a few minutes while I put my bag down, coat off. Tell him I'm going upstairs to get changed... he follows me up the stairs, across the landing, into the dressing room, then I went into the bedroom for my slippers, follows me in there too, back in the dressing room to brush my hair, follows, walk halfway back to the stairs, realise I've forgotten my phone charger so back into the bedroom, and he's right behind me again! Sometimes he's nattering away, other times just watching.

Like the weekend, I walked from the kitchen to the utility to put a wash load on, turn round and he's standing silently watching me load the machine.

Weekend just passed, I thought a miracle had occurred as I had managed to have almost a full bath in peace. Then I heard shuffling outside the door like he's pacing up and down the hall. Then a quiet "hows your bath going?" "yes fine", a few seconds later hes opening the door I said "hey hold on a minute!" and scooped my towel off the floor before he jammed it under the door. He says "why have you put your towel in front of the door?" then looks around the room for a few seconds before turning the extractor fan on! I said "what are you doing? I'm trying to have some peace and quiet!" he just looked at me confused and shut the door again

I know these examples sound silly but he's literally following me from room to room. Even if I'm just running upstairs quickly to get something, he follows me up. Sometimes I'm literally back at the top of the stairs again waiting to go down and catch him there. I said "I was coming right back!" He waits a few seconds pretending he's doing something then comes back down again.

Last Sunday I snapped and said "ffs it's like having a labrador puppy, you follow me everywhere!" he said "what's wrong with that? aren't we supposed to be together at the weekend?"

Its infuriating! I feel suffocated! Thankfully he works nights so I get some peace in the evenings. Does anyone else have this problem???

@bringwineplease

BlingLoving it can be very difficult to argue with some of his defenses sometimes. How do you know I went to Tesco? "Because you left the receipt upstairs" how can I really argue with that? If I say "well who even cares if I went to Tesco??" it makes me sound like the one who is getting defensive, and like I'm making a big deal out of a non-event.

You could at least ask why he feels the need to comment on it.

Mine does this, drives me batty! I have to lock the bathroom door and the minute I go in he appears!

We've had a chat about it and he doesn't realise he's doing it until I give him a blank stare

*as

You could at least ask why he feels the need to comment on it.

Just making conversation he says.

@bringwineplease

I put the wind up his sails on Monday by dropping into conversation that the CCTV at my work is working again (it spans the entire length of the road and all entrances/exits). I don't think I've never seen him look up from his phone so fast. He was shocked. I said why does that surprise you so much? He said "you told me it wasn't working", I said no its been fixed for months....

So he's still checking up on you at work, despite the counsellor having said it's a no-no. He can't stop himself, can he?

Denial is a powerful force OP. He knows far more about the minutae of your life than you perhaps care to admit even now. You've become traumatised.

You probably think that you were never going to get into a relationship whatsoever with such a man at all. You perhaps think you would have "recognised" the "signs" long before now but it does not work like that and abuse is no respecter of persons. You have been slowly but surely manipulated here by what is a very dangerous individual.

OP, you are denying what we are saying because you're scared. I understand. Please don't feel like you need to engage with us further, but please do ring women's aid and speak to someone. Ideally on a friend's phone, at work. You aren't safe, and you haven't been for some time. You are just now realising the extent of it, and you might want to pretend it's not as bad as we say it is.

It is as bad, though, and very probably worse. These patterns of abusive behaviour are, unfortunately, predictable.

@bringwineplease

I am shocked that people are shocked. It just seems par the course of normal conversation to me now. Does nobody else speak to their spouse about what they got up to at work...?

Yes, we might tell each other about something interesting or funny that happened, or maybe about something that is causing us stress or worry. We certainly don't account to each other for who was in work that day or report back on everything that we have been doing.

He works nights so has plenty of time during the day when you are at work to monitor you both inside and outside the home. He cannot and will not stop this behaviour because it also works for him. He likes having you under this level of control.

bringwineplease

Also yes 90% certain he will be reading this. He's taken an unusual interest in MN asking what sort of threads are on here, what gets talked about. That's why I haven't bothered changing any details.

Except your user name, it seems.
So that was sensible.

@bringwineplease

I genuinely don't think he's dangerous. He doesn't have it in him. I think hes just fallen into the habit. He's just so used to asking questions, I don't think he even listens to the answers half the time.

So don't answer him - change the subject, or just say something like "Yes" or "no". See whether he persists.

He must be registering what you say at least some of the time, witness his knowledge of the work CCTV situation and getting angry if he thinks you're lying about who was in work with you.

@bringwineplease

I think hes similar to yours TigerDrawers he just stands about and gets in the way. Its genuinely like puppy dog behaviour.

But it isn't just that is it?

It's not just that though is it OP? Everything else you've said on this thread is creepy as fuck. At best he's obsessive over you, at worst he's trying to catch you out, spying on you at work, checking bins and rifling through your stuff etc

Neither is great is it?

Normal would be
Opening the fridge, noticing a load of new food and saying "oh did you go food shopping? Nice/was it busy/looks tasty"
Asking how your day was at work and perhaps remembering something like X was off sick or you had a big project
Noticing you had been in the bath for an hour and checking you were ok/jokingly asking if you had drowned

This is all deeply disturbing and you are so calm about it all. If this was a new relationship would you still feel the same way about his behaviour?

Everything you have mentioned is the stuff you know about, I dread to think what he's doing without your knowledge

Honestly I am utterly creeped out!!

I am far more observant than DH and am nosey about his friends/acquaintances but I don't snoop. I would worry if he was late back from a cycle ride for obvious reasons but I'm not his keeper!

I actually like that he has some interests and parts of his life I'm not part of?

LaMarschallin yes I have NC, I'm sure it will be relatively easy to find my other threads but please don't link them here 😥

OP I would get hold of the CCTV ASAP. And what you will see is this man checking checking checking. But I don’t think you will because then you’d have to face you’re living with someone who is really very unwell.

I'm sure it will be relatively easy to find my other threads but please don't link them here 😥

How/why would I do that?

Do you think everyone is as obsessed with your actions as your DP apparently is?

So don't answer him - change the subject, or just say something like "Yes" or "no". See whether he persists.

I did that last night when he came in from work, I was awake as the dog had woken me. "So hows the dog?" Fine "How was your evening? Was it OK?" yes "Do anything exciting?" No "Did you have a bath?" Yes "Was it good?" Yes "Well I did x last night at work, Y was in a strange mood I think his ex has been pissing him off....." I'm going back to sleep now DP. "Oh ok I'll be up in a little while".

I'm going to keep doing that from now on.

LaMarschallin of course I don't think people are obsessed with me but I've seen people do it on other threads and if there is a chance DP is reading this I don't want my other usernames broadcast

It will not work because any answer you give is still engaging with him. He is still asking you intrusive questions and wants to know about everything you do.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. What would your counsel be to another woman writing about such a relationship?.

@bringwineplease

I think hes similar to yours TigerDrawers he just stands about and gets in the way. Its genuinely like puppy dog behaviour.

Puppy dog behaviour would explain how he able to scent out a takeaway from the night before and dumbbells in the spare room I suppose. OP you are treating this like some game and you are in danger from this guy but can't see it. He has rifled through your belongings, follows you about at home including the bathroom, followed you at work, questions you constantly trying to catch you out, denied to a counselor that he has done any of these things, accused you of lying about who you were working with as a different car was in the work car park, are you not utterly weirded out by this, is no part of your gut screaming run?

His comment that your coworker, that he hasn't met, was loud and mouthy in the pub doesn't make me think he is lying, with everything else he has done it makes me think that he has engineered a situation to be in the same pub as this co-worker. Run like the wind OP, no confronting him, no chats, just run.

Or track him. I bet that would be illuminating.

if there is a chance DP is reading this I don't want my other usernames broadcast confused

Not sure why you're

I have no idea what your other usernames are and no interest in you aside from this thread.
I mentioned earlier that I'd had an ex stalking me on a forum, but I'd told him what my username was because it was a very innocent activity of mine and I'd no idea he would do that.
I wouldn't tell anyone again.

You said you hadn't changed any details; I pointed out that you had, sensibly, changed one important detail.

Hope you're less now otherwise the wind might change and your little yellow face might stay like that

Sorry LaMarschallin I had totally misread your message, I took it to mean that you had recognised the situation from an old thread and it was a good thing I changed my username. Sorry, that was my fault.