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Original poster

He’s talking to “an old friend” and i cant deal

345 replies

AnonymousMama1 · 13/01/2021 05:35

I have nobody to talk to about this and im probably going to sound like a terrible person but I can’t help feeling the way i feel.

So my partner of almost 4 years (we have a young son together) has “reconnected” with a female friend that he hasnt spoken to in maybe 9-10 years. She is single with 1 kid.

They spent 2 days constantly messaging between fb messenger and snapchat and he told me that he spoke to her for about an hour the other day when he was out walking the dog (but i looked at his call logs and it was more like 2 hours). Now usually im not bothered by him talking to other women but there is something that makes me uneasy about this.
I have spoken to him about how i feel and he says he understands but thinks im being unreasonable. He says i dont trust him and no matter how many times i say i trust him but i dont know her, whats shes like or her intentions he brings it back that i dont trust him.
He says he has told her about me and “how serious we are” and that if she tried anything he would reject her.

I know they “miss talking to each other” within a short time of not messaging and i can see when i search her on fb that she once posted “love u” to him on a msg telling him how handsome he looked in a picture and he replied with love u too and a tongue poking out face. And he has told me that they send each other hearts in messages.

He told me that he has said to her that we had a big fight and that he wouldn’t talk to her for a few days and “she understands and can talk to her anytime, shes not going anywhere”.

Im just so uneasy about it all and the more i try to think about it all makes me feel worse and its driving me crazy. Ive tried to push it aside but in my mind i just cant make myself feel ok with everything and it doesnt matter what he says.

For the last 3 days we have barely spoken and i have been feeling physically sick due to this. Im talking nausea and alternating between diahorrea and constipation (tmi i know, sorry) i have also barely eaten.

How would you feel about this if you were in my place?
And please dont be too hard on me, im in a really dark place right now and feeling extra sensitive.
Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
yulelogc · 13/01/2021 13:17

I think it's ok he's talking to an old friend, I don't think it's ok they message so much, talk so much ect, because you feel uncomfortable with it. He doesn't need to talk to her that much. I have old friends like that and it's once or month or so we check in on each other, catch up then that's it really, we don't constantly message, that's something I'd do with a partner. Can't even say I talk to my female friends to that extent.

He needs to cool things down with her for the sake of your relationship id say, he's investing too much time in another woman in my opinion

HelloThereMeHearties · 13/01/2021 13:19

There's a reason that Facebook is cited in many, many divorces these days...

yulelogc · 13/01/2021 13:20

Also just to add, you don't need to trust her, she isn't anything to you, you need to trust him, and things like this aren't always about trust, sometimes it's about respecting each other's boundaries. You don't need to worry about what she's doing or her agenda, worry about his. It's him you are in the relationship with.

HelloThereMeHearties · 13/01/2021 13:22

Indeed. And he needs to respect you.

harknesswitch · 13/01/2021 13:23

He's taking the piss op and pushing the boundaries as far as he can.

In your shoes I'd tell him to make a decision, his friendship with this woman, or you.

I know it sounds drastic but you've already given him the opportunity to resolve this issue but he's choosing not to

MrsVogon · 13/01/2021 13:59

The old chestnut of blaming the jealous partner "I can't talk to you anymore because my OH says so"...her response speaks volumes too.

No, I wouldn't trust them both as far as I could throw them but, you can't control what they are doing/ their level of contact.

If he was truly respectful and valued your relationship, of how you are feeling... he wouldn't be throwing the blame your way, to her. But he has and she is probably gloating.

If there is truly nothing he would be self aware enough to say to her, "I'm sorry but I've recognised the level of messaging is distracting me from my relationship/home life so I think we need to curb it/scale it down. It's great to be back in touch but family is my priority".

There's nothing wrong with him keeping in contact with her on a lesser scale and not blaming you. But really....he's loving this and it's the right ingredients for an affair.

tigerlily20 · 13/01/2021 14:16

I think it's a red flag that he has no male friends. Male friendships are usually easy breezy and form quickly, female friendship I feel are more complex (disclaimer, I'm not a pickme, I prefer female friends). So the fact that no men really take to him says a lot, how did he lose his only male friend? I'd think twice about a man who had mostly female friends. Has he has sex with this woman? Have they kissed/was there ever romance between them? Naaah he's gaslighting you, he's had nothing to talk to this woman about for hours on end, they haven't seen each other in almost a decade? A quick 'how be?' Would be sufficient for me, they're obviously talking about something, and if it's about you it ain't good. Let's be honest what single woman wants to listen to how good someone's girlfriend for hours on end? Don't be fooled op, he's putting a woman he hasn't seen for 10years over you, the mother of his child and he's telling you about it.
Also how have they suddenly reconnected? Coz now she's single Hmm she wasn't going to wreck her own relationship with an old flame but now your bf is stupid enough to wreck yours.

tigerlily20 · 13/01/2021 14:21

Ignore my last comment about no male friends I went off on one there after misreading the thread

Susan683g · 13/01/2021 14:50

I've been in this exact situation (apart from no children). An ex boyfriend years ago was messaging another girl, claiming they were best friends. He would message her infront of me, comment on her profile pictures, snapchat her. I trusted him but would question it sometimes to which I was told:
"I'd never date her", "she's just a friend", "it'd be weird to date her".

Anyway, we eventually broke up as he kissed another girl on a night out (not the friend). 1 day after we broke up, pictures of him and his "friend" popped up on facebook of her sitting on his knee on a night out, They ended up being together for 2 years.

What i'm saying is trust your instincts. You feel it's not right, don't let him play you a fool. I'm not saying he will end up with her, but your instincts are telling you something.

TheBlueStocking · 13/01/2021 15:07

I haven't read all the replies, but I gather a lot of people would be angry and upset about this.

I realise jealousy is irrational, but it seems so weird to be bothered by this. It's entirely possible for two people to be friends without developing feelings for the other one. I'm sure you know the difference perfectly well between your friends and your romantic partners. I'm bisexual and I have zero trouble being friends with men and with women without wanting to have sex with them Hmm

And I think he's right. You should trust him. Saying you don't trust her is not cool. He's perfectly capable of saying no if she approaches him. And random women are not boyfriend stealing hussies to be.

Chel098 · 13/01/2021 15:11

Snapchat? How old is your partner OP?.

People often want to chat via Snapchat because messages don’t save (no proof).

Happyone8 · 13/01/2021 15:14

@TheBlueStocking there are lots of romantic connotations in the texts , deleting messages and weird behaviour . Not like it would be if just friends - which it’s definitely possible for men and women to be of course

Catty1720 · 13/01/2021 15:17

I think if your spending time together and he’s sat messaging her it’s unfair that would annoy me. Yes men and women can be friends but when that friendship is causing issues be it with a man or women it needs addressing.

MrsBobDylan · 13/01/2021 15:31

He right about one thing, you don't trust him and rightly so.

He is basically starting a new relationship right in front of you.

His actions are not those of a trust-worthy person.

Mamagotskills · 13/01/2021 15:36

You clearly don’t trust him in this scenario, given the way he’s behaving I wouldn’t either

TheBlueStocking · 13/01/2021 15:49

[quote Happyone8]@TheBlueStocking there are lots of romantic connotations in the texts , deleting messages and weird behaviour . Not like it would be if just friends - which it’s definitely possible for men and women to be of course[/quote]
I've read everything the OP has to say and I see nothing romantic. I text friends hearts and tell them I love them.

MrsClatterbuck · 13/01/2021 16:00

@ooohbriefcase

"He says he has told her about me and “how serious we are” and that if she tried anything he would reject her."

Pffft did not happen. Who thinks that highly of themselves to say that to someone who apparently is just a friend.
"Oh by the way I'm in a serious relationship. I know it will be really hard for you not to try it on with me because I'm so amazing and drop dead gorgeous. But please don't because I will reject you"
PLEEASE Hmm
He knows how it's making you feel, and he doesn't care. He's being disrespectful op.

Totally agree
Original poster
AnonymousMama1 · 13/01/2021 16:10

So i have read all the messages.
A few things i didnt like. Like i miss you more than you know and shit like that. Told him i didnt like it.
Then i saw snapchat. Well the few saved snaps. Well he sais he “made a mistake with how he worded it” when he told her that she would have made a good wife (to her ex hubby) and in his words which dont make full sense but you get what he means “because of how much of a amazing woman i could ever ask for. Well... you are more than a friend to me”
She said “more than a friend?” I wrote that taking to you has brought up so many unresolved feelings for me. Things that until now i didnt even know that i had.
He says aye more than just a friend you mean more than you think to me. Im sorry of its confusing. I literally feel the same way.

WELL! he said he didnt mean it like that and that after that he clarified what he actually meant on the phone call. I didnt like it but accepted it.
He went to bed and asked if i could read it all again to have a better think because it was late and he had to get to bed and we could talk tomorrow.
Heres the funny part. He called her 3pm. Those messages were sent at 6:34 and 11:50pm. When he would have been sitting right fucking beside me.
I cant tell you how angry and hurt i feel. Betrayed.
Im laying in bed its after 2 am and i cannot get to sleep. I am not ok right now.

OP posts:
Disillusioned4now · 13/01/2021 16:19

I didn’t like it but accepted it.

Why OP!? Why are you accepting this!? Those messages are proof of emotional cheating! They are having an affair!

LunaNorth · 13/01/2021 16:22

Is he a Year 8 girl?

LunaNorth · 13/01/2021 16:23

Oh, just read your update.

He’s taking the piss. Get rid of him. You can do a lot better than this gaslighter.

Original poster
AnonymousMama1 · 13/01/2021 16:23

Because im an idiot?
Apparently he has told his mum (some) about us arguing and she has said hopefully i see soon that im overreacting.
I know w trouble with the right words and often says things the wrong way but this. This is bullshit.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnonymousMama1 · 13/01/2021 16:25

And those are only the few “saved” comments in snapchat

OP posts:
Disillusioned4now · 13/01/2021 16:26

Now he’s getting his Mum to gaslight you too! Read her the messages and then ask her to tell you he’s over reacting!!!!!! ‘Unresolved feelings, I miss you more than you know, more than a friend’ that is UNDENIABLY emotional cheating. They are setting up an affair.

This guy is disgusting.

Happyone8 · 13/01/2021 16:27

I’m really sorry op , it’s cheating in my book . It would be bye bye from me . More than a friend , I mean there it is in black and white . Don’t let him wriggle out of that one .

What will you do ? Big hugs x

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