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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Unable to contact by boyfriend.

262 replies

Penny15 · 12/01/2021 11:55

Ive been in a long distance relationship for 7 years.

Over the last few weeks I’ve found it incredibly difficult to contact my boyfriend. We arrange times to ring each other so when I try he hasn’t been picking up for hours and hours on end. He had never done this until a few weeks ago. We never text we always call each other a few times throughout the day and talk for a hour at night before I go to sleep.

I’ve been unable to contact my boyfriend since 7.30 last night when he said he was going to sleep. This is highly unlike him as he’s usually up till 2/3am. I tried to call him at 10pm and he answered but didn’t speak then the call disconnected. He said he would ring me when he woke up. I woke up at 7 expecting a missed call and nothing so I tried to call and it’s ringing and ringing no answer. So I had a look on Amazon and he was watching Amazon prime he had watched 4 episodes so I kept trying and no answer. From 10am his activity on Amazon prime has stopped and his phones still ringing and ringing. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should be worried. I’m not close to his family but I’ve tired contacting his mum and she’s also not answering and I’ve messaged his sister who hasn’t responded but I expected that. Help me...

OP posts:

Sundance2741 · 12/01/2021 15:14

He is most likely doing this deliberately. I've been there - panicking when they don't call or respond but no one has ever died or been seriously ill or injured, in my experience.

When we first got married, after knowing each other and seeing each other very regularly for 4.5 years, we went through a tough time initially, adjusting to living together in the house we had just bought together. One night he went AWOL. I demeaned myself by phoning all his friends (some very recent acquaintances) to see if they knew where he was / if he was ok. He was and we got over it, but he knew perfectly well I'd be desperate to know where he was and he didn't care for those few hours.

Had forgotten about it until I read your post!

AlternativePerspective · 12/01/2021 15:18

personally I think it’s never a good idea to post about a relationship on here because posters all make up their own narrative as to how things definitely are. From “he’s seeing someone else” to “he’s just not that into you” to “he’s married and the wife’s found out” (wtf?)

I’ve even seen posts on a thread saying “he’s seeing someone else, sorry.” As if that poster knows first hand where the man is. It’s ludicrous and where mn used to have a good reputation in terms of their relationships board it’s now an awful place to post because there are toO many posters wanting to be proved right and gleefully waiting for the OP to confirm that he’s dumped her so they can say “I knew it.”

And whether they live together is irrelevant. I’ve been with my DP for 8 years and we don’t live together because he works 120 miles away from here and for logistical reasons neither of us can move at the moment.

But if you’ve been in a relationship for 7 years and your partner has suddenly stopped talking it’s not a case of playing games or walking away - this isn’t some 30 second tinder date we’re talking about here.

7 years is a lot to invest, and this twat owes the OP an explanation when she has previously had good communication with him.

Newfor2021 · 12/01/2021 15:19

Hope he’s ok

oakleaffy · 12/01/2021 15:22

Non communication is not a good sign, but OP clearly has had a lucky 🍀 escape.
Had she bought a house with this man, having to untangle that would be far worse, or if DC were involved.@Penny15 you were both so young when you got together, people change exponentially in the teens/twenties years,
Count yourself lucky that you dodged a bulllet.

vanillandhoney · 12/01/2021 15:30

But he is playing games with her. He's choosing to ignore her instead of being a grown up and answering the phone. That's not to say OP should just be like "okay, that's fine" and move on, more that she needs to see what his actions are really saying.

HelloThereMeHearties · 12/01/2021 15:31

She also says that it's been going on for weeks...

ScrambledSmegs · 12/01/2021 15:31

Ah. I'm sorry OP, I really think driving over to see him isn't going to help. As others have posted, it sounds like he's more likely to contact you if you change the password on the Prime account.

It's not that I think you're wrong to be worried - it's just that as he doesn't live alone there are people on hand to take care of him.

HelloThereMeHearties · 12/01/2021 15:32

We arrange times to ring each other so when I try he hasn’t been picking up for hours and hours on end. He had never done this until a few weeks ago

People seem to have missed this bit.

vanillandhoney · 12/01/2021 15:36

@HelloThereMeHearties

We arrange times to ring each other so when I try he hasn’t been picking up for hours and hours on end. He had never done this until a few weeks ago

People seem to have missed this bit.

To me, it just makes it even more obvious that he's messing her about.

He's fine. They saw each other at the weekend and spoke yesterday. He's also been active on social media and well enough to use their joint Amazon account. He also has his dad around to speak to. He certainly doesn't need a welfare check or for OP to show up at his door unannounced because he's worried for his welfare/health.

He just doesn't want to talk to her.

AlternativePerspective · 12/01/2021 15:39

Yes, he is playing games, but the OP shouldn’t be following suit.

If my DP did this to me I’d be telling him in no uncertain terms that playing pathetic games isn’t the secret of a successful relationship, and that given he hadn’t been in contact I assumed his feelings had changed and would wish him well.

He’d have to give a bloody good reason why he’d suddenly stopped contact without an explanation, and I’m not sure the whole “I need space” reason would work for me. It’s just a cop-out.

MLM268 · 12/01/2021 15:40

@Alittlelessthanuseless

I hope there’s a reasonable explanation OP but I think if my DP had been ok to be on social media and watch Amazon but not respond to my calls/messages then I’d be rethinking our relationship. Even if he just wanted some space/wasn’t feeling well, I’d expect after 7 years together that he’d have the decency to inform me! Hope it’s nothing serious.

This. Especially if he knows you're worried about him. It's just common decency. I don't think you're being "needy", "clingy" or "desperate". I think you're being a decent human being. I hope he's okay and he's got a good reason for not letting you know.

vanillandhoney · 12/01/2021 15:51

Yes, he is playing games, but the OP shouldn’t be following suit.

She's not playing games and I don't think anyone has encouraged her to? But continuously calling someone who clearly doesn't want to talk, and then showing up at their house, isn't the answer either.

Skyla2005 · 12/01/2021 15:59

Stop. His ignoring you. Just leave it

lucywho123 · 12/01/2021 16:09

Stop. His ignoring you. Just leave it

I dont agree with this at all. Its been a 7 year relationship. The OP is owed an explanation.

vanillandhoney · 12/01/2021 16:11

@lucywho123

Stop. His ignoring you. Just leave it

I dont agree with this at all. Its been a 7 year relationship. The OP is owed an explanation.

Yes, absolutely, but he clearly doesn't want to talk her, so there's no point in repeatedly calling his phone, is there? If he wanted to speak to her, he would ring, text or message.

You can't force someone to talk to you.

Clymene · 12/01/2021 16:30

@lucywho123

Stop. His ignoring you. Just leave it

I dont agree with this at all. Its been a 7 year relationship. The OP is owed an explanation.

It's a 7 year relationship that started when they were teenagers and they have made no move to live together in that time, despite only living an hour apart.

It's not right to ghost someone you've been seeing that long but that's what this guy is doing.

SendMeHome · 12/01/2021 16:35

OP, message him before you go over.

If he has a strained relationship with his parents and lives with them, and you don’t have a great relationship with them either, they’re not likely to be thrilled to see you during lockdown.

If you tell him you’re on your way, he’s very likely to contact you, and you’ll know if something has happened.

waterlily1922 · 12/01/2021 16:46

Hi op just seeing if you are ok and your boyfriend x

BrimFullOfAsher · 12/01/2021 16:54

Did you drive over?

VettiyaIruken · 12/01/2021 17:01

All you know is someone was watching Amazon. For all you know, he gave the password to his dad or something.

7 years together, engaged for 3 and he's suddenly stopped interacting, yes, it's reasonable to be worried. You care about him! What kind of person would be in a 7 year relationship and just shrug and say meh when it's possible their partner is not doing well?

HelloThereMeHearties · 12/01/2021 17:08

He hasn't "suddenly" stopped interacting. He's been doing it for weeks.

yulelogc · 12/01/2021 17:17

Did you see him op? I probably would have done the same as you to be honest.

Clymene · 12/01/2021 17:17

From the OP:
"Over the last few weeks I’ve found it incredibly difficult to contact my boyfriend. We arrange times to ring each other so when I try he hasn’t been picking up for hours and hours on end."

He's been watching films on Amazon and he's posting on Facebook. While he's being an absolute shithead, this isn't worrying. The OP also said she saw him on Sunday and he was fine.

Original poster

Penny15 · 12/01/2021 17:19

Hi all, I’ve drove over to bury I’m currently sat at his mums house be are both desperately trying to contact him now with no response it’s now been 22 hours since he last contacted me and 19 hours since he was last active on social media

OP posts:

Newfor2021 · 12/01/2021 17:20

Can you not get into or go to his house? Hope he’s ok

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