Can someone just hold my hand? Just for a bit

[MoreLegsThanMe]

My husband of 36 years has left. I don’t know how to get through tonight. Can someone just hold my hand, please?

One day at a time - it will get better I promise (and I don’t make promises lightly). Things will be different - not great at first but you will feel better and stronger each day.

OP the universe has handed you the opportunity to get rid of a lying, cheating man. Go on and grab it! Allow yourself a pity party for a few days (God knows you’ve certainly earned it) but then you must put on your big girl pants and go find your anger. I’m so proud of how you handled his departure - it tells me that deep down you are a woman to be reckoned with. I hope you will adopt the same stance when it comes to taking half his assets and pensions.

You will survive this and thrive again. You will. You are worth so much more.

I was about the age of your younger ones when my dad left for a 28 year old. They will be feeling like the bottom has fallen out of their world. However my mum did not put him down (too much) in front of us and we did still see my dad eventually. Try to encourage this and say he is still your dad etc and it doesn't change how he feels about them because that is important to them. The kids will probably need to know practicalities like will they stay living in the house etc, so your task is to get that in line and see a solicitor ASAP. They always talked things through with us and now are both married to lively people more than 20 years (dad not to OW anymore she buggered off when she wanted kids) and we can all be in same room.
It will get better, you will sort this out and find peace and redefine your future , thinking of you xxx

@MoreLegsThanMe

I wish I wasn’t here. I wish I’d just died or something when he did this. I have my DC relying on me and I’m just lying here snivelling for fucks sake

It’s ok to feel like this. And an hour later to fantasise about killing both of them.

Both these feelings are normal. You will be up and down - angry one minute and collapsing in tears the next.

There’s no right way to feel. Feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just are.

This is the most tremendous shock and you need to be kind to yourself for a little while until this wears off. Can you meet a friend for a walk , someone you can rant to ?

Remember to eat and drink - but try to avoid excess alcohol as it will make you more depressed. Any you don’t want to do anything you regret while you are under the influence.

Eat whatever you can that gets you through. If you feel sick, ice lollies can help.

I just don't understand men - he has five beautiful children and a caring and lovely wife that gave him a beautiful family and a cosy home.

Life really blessed him, why would he throw that away?

For what?

I agree with the other posters that you will be okay, OP.

You have your children and you will become happy again.

I know several men who left their wife and children and all of them had a shitty life afterwards. The woman always won in those kind of scenarios.

So sorry to read this. It's very typical behaviour of a man who's struggling to accept he's getting older. Essentially, I think it boils down to them being scared of death or at least the death of their masculinity. The age of the OW is a classic sign of such a mid-life crisis. Your husband and this OW will have little in common. They won't have shared memories; won't be able to be nostalgic about the same periods of the past; there will be so many differences which will become starkly apparent to him when he realises he has fucked up so monumentally.

OP, I think it's a mistake to conceal your true emotions from him. I think you need to be authentic in this situation. If you are hurting so desperately, it will be detrimental to your mental health if you try to conceal your hurt from either him or your children. Plus, he needs to know - to see - how much his actions have hurt you.

Your daughters are old enough to be able to cope with their traumatised mother and they will want to help you. When I refer to traumatised I mean it - you have experienced trauma. I think you would find it helpful to speak to a psychotherapist as well as keep posting here.

You will be OK. In ten years time when he's beginning to get droopy (sorry to lower the tone) he'll be out on his own and have a lonely, miserable old age. You will have your self respect and lovely children and grandchildren around you.

Getting through today a minute at a time - I’ll update later

@MoreLegsThanMe

Getting through today a minute at a time - I’ll update later

That’s all you need to do. One breath at a time

@MoreLegsThanMe

Getting through today a minute at a time - I’ll update later

But you’ve done it well done, 💐 do try and get some sleep tonight it will take you a while to recover from yesterday,

A warm embrace and hand hold from me. Please accept help from everyone around you including your children. You don't need to spend time delving into personality attacks but I am sure that they would rather you be open and honest with them about how you feel. They would only be guessing and I would imagine that the guesswork would be worse than knowing. At least they can try and help you and feel more connected to you. Panic, shock and anger are all very normal. You can't walk around them.....feel them and they will lessen over time. You will get through this. I promise. And FWIW, your STXH is a cock.

Back for a bit while DS screams down his mic to his mates, DD4 is studying and DD3 chilling with telly.

I told FIL today and it sounded like I’d broken his heart. Don’t think he could take in that his own son could do this.

Letter came from the Council today confirming his name is now back on the electoral roll here. That floored me.

Glad you were the one to tell the in laws. Don’t be surprised if H decides to re-write history. So he doesn’t look like the bad guy.

It was those things that really got me @MoreLegsThanMe

Well done for getting through the day. I know the DS shouting thing only too well 😃

It’s good to tell people. It’s also surprising how many people have been through it, which I found a comfort (though obviously not wishing it on anyone!)

You can do it.

@MoreLegsThanMe

The youngest are 14 and 16. Then the older girls are 23, 28 and 36. The oldest is a year younger than the woman he’s with now.

I feel like I’ve just let them all down so badly

@MoreLegsThanMe NO NO NO NO NO!!!!! The only person who has let them down is your husband!! You will feel shit and you will cry and question everything but believe me you will get though this and I’m not alone in saying virtually we will be here!! Please please don’t blame yourself. Whether it lasts or not is not what matters. What matters is you and your children and how you allow yourself to be treated going forward. He cannot just come and go as he pleases. It’s probably too soon to think of all the serious side of things like money so just take some time. I’m so sorry you’ve been treated like this.

DC all to bed now, notwithstanding DS’s shouting and yelling over the mic.

It’s when I know they’re asleep that I can just fall apart. The panic sets in and the thoughts of them together smiling and laughing, and I just have more of this every night don’t I, forever really. I just don’t know how to do it I really don’t. I never knew anything could hurt this badly without it killing you. What do I do now, how do I do this

I want to kill them both and then in the next moment I want him to come back and hold me and say it was a mistake. I want to go back til when I didn’t know. It was better when I didn’t know.

It’s so awful. But honestly, it does get better.

I’m now very happy and have my own cosy home and a lovely DP. My DCs, it turned out, were actually much happier when he left as they felt I was more myself.

You will get there. This will pass.

You can and you will do this one day at a time!! They may well be together and smiling but when he realises he’s lost his children and grandchildren he won’t be smiling inside. She’s messaged your daughters she’s caused a scene in the street all the while you stood calm and collected. You don’t know it but you are doing it! You are stronger than you think.

And it may well have been better when you didn’t know but it was lies and you deserve better than that

Sweetheart, stop ripping yourself apart. He will re write history in his head until it becomes embedded.

Obviously, other woman is unhinged to involve your kids / yell outside your home.

I assume he will try and return, again and it will be your choice whether to accept him.

However, there's so much advice here on how you can rise again - and big hugs that's your journey! [hugs]

Honestly, I wish I could give you a real hug. No, you don't deserve this shit and he's a complete and utter wanker. Your kids are all old enough to decide what level of interaction they want with him; I would assume, bugger all.

Meanwhile, get ducks in row, circle the wagons etc.

Xxx

It is so cruel. All the best to you.

Thank you all so much. You can’t know how much this is helping. I can’t stop loving him it’s been too long, over half my life. But if he knocked on the door tomorrow I don’t know what I’d do. I hate myself for not being able to straightaway say that I’d shut it in his face. I know I’d have to, but right at this very minute it’s the thought of that’s it, that’s your lot, you’ll not find a man at your age, not now. And yet I could live a long time yet. How do I do that alone? I just don’t have it in me I know it

Turn your pain into the fuel you need to get through each day and cut him out of your life. You won’t be able to control when the tears and anger appear and there will be times when you you will wish to go to sleep and not wake up ... these emotions are a normal response to trauma. Do not suppress them, let them come. When my husband did this to me I didn’t eat, and I was obsessed with the ow. But trust me, the grass isn’t greener and he will discover this in time. However tempting it may be, do not contact him or her, don’t ask him to come home.. they will feed on it if you do. Seek counselling, it really helps. I’m sorry you’re going through this but it does get better and you are lucky to have the love and support of your children.