Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Can someone just hold my hand? Just for a bit

968 replies

MoreLegsThanMe · 11/01/2021 01:58

My husband of 36 years has left. I don’t know how to get through tonight. Can someone just hold my hand, please?

OP posts:
JustNotFunAnymore · 29/01/2021 19:02

Can you get out in the fresh air for a bit tomorrow? X

Original poster
MoreLegsThanMe · 29/01/2021 22:01

Thank you.

I haven’t noticed any change since starting the citalopram but the GP did say sometimes it takes a couple of weeks or more? So I’m trying to be patient, hard as it is.

The DC are fine, working away as usual and DD3 has an interview in early February so we have everything crossed for her. She needs a job so badly. The DGC are miles away so seeing them isn’t possible right now.

I’ve been doing the usual cleaning, nothing manic or anything, and Saturday is bed linens change day so that’s something else that needs to be done.

I just feel very alone and sad right now,

OP posts:
Icanflyhigh · 29/01/2021 22:07

Oh OP I just want to give you a big hug and tell you its all going to be ok.

I remember the feelings so well, I really do, and I felt like my heart was actually fractured or something, but it does get better- I promise it does.

Onthedunes · 29/01/2021 22:16

Oh, yes I think it takes a while for the meds to start taking effect, have you been sleeping any better?

Fingers crossed for DD3, it's so hard at the moment for the young ones isn't it? Have you been facetiming the older children and DGC at all.
Have you thought of any changes you could make with the house, treat yourself to some new bits etc.
I'm on my own at the moment and night time can be hard, do you have netflix? Some of the series on there helped me to zone out and relax even though I had to keep rewinding cause I couldn't focus too well .

Have a good sleep tonight. x

Original poster
MoreLegsThanMe · 29/01/2021 23:41

I sleep until about 2.30-3.00pm. The GP was reluctant to prescribe more than two weeks’-worth of sleeping tablets.

I talk/message all the DC, every day. Last thing at night I tell them I love them.

I just feel so alone, even though there are three other people in the house,

He told me it was a six-month trial separation but it wasn’t was it. It was a six-month dress rehearsal and at the end he probably said he just wanted to spend Christmas with his DC so he came back. I’m so worthless that I didn’t even deserve the truth. He said he didn’t want to throw away 37 years and he hated her for making a scene outside. But it was all lies. How can I ever ever trust anyone ever again?

OP posts:
Original poster
MoreLegsThanMe · 29/01/2021 23:42

Sorry - I meant 2.30-3.00am of course

OP posts:
Stillfunny · 30/01/2021 00:16

He didn't tell you the truth , not because you are worthless , but because he is a coward . And a liar .
Utterly selfish , self absorbed . These men seem to be able to just put their wives and families out of their mind .

Original poster
MoreLegsThanMe · 30/01/2021 00:53

He was like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

Surely he’ll be lying to her too? It seems to be all he knows

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 30/01/2021 01:15

I think he is lying to himself op, he's living in la la land at the moment.

Sooner or later he's going to have to face himself and the consequences of his actions.

Believe me he can't run away from himself forever, nobody can.

Flowers
Original poster
MoreLegsThanMe · 30/01/2021 01:20

This is just so terrible. I don’t know how I’m getting through each day really I don’t.

Thank you for sticking with me during all this whining and rambling..

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 30/01/2021 01:38

Op
Whine and ramble away , if it makes you feel better.
Do whatever makes you feel better, you're in charge now, internalising pain can make you more depressed, if you get angry you need to be able to get it out, speaking to a councillor could help.
I did a few things I wasn't too proud of but sometimes the anger....

Nobody is judging you, we are the same as you, we have been hurt and felt hopeless, but we do know that the pain does diminish.

It will, slowly but surely, other thoughts will creep into your mind that do not involve him, you will see.

CatChant · 30/01/2021 01:48

But you are getting through each day and that's an achievement in itself when you are so unhappy. Flowers

It will get easier with time.

Do you or did you have any hobbies that could serve as a distraction when the sad thoughts are overwhelming? Gardening, sudoku, crosswords, embroidery, baking, paper-cutting - anything that requires some degree of concentration could be helpful.

BillHadersNewWife · 30/01/2021 05:56

I’ve just read the thread OP and I just know that a frootloop like her will get sick of him. He’s a dirty old man with a plastic cock for Gods sake. She’ll meet someone else...someone who’s younger or richer and then she’ll kick him out. She’s hardly stable and reliable is she? A woman who ditched her kids

billybagpuss · 30/01/2021 06:59

Just tell us you won’t let him back, his current situation won’t work.

FortunesFave · 30/01/2021 07:09

The other woman sounds like a right one...dumped her own kids, yelled at your door...not stable at all.

Once the newness wears off...and it will wear off...and her kids will start coming to visit...he'll get sick of it all.

And as for the penile implant...I can't see a 37 year old woman enjoying this for long

To get an erection, a man presses on a small pump that moves fluid into the cylinders in the penis. The penis doesn't deflate after orgasm until a release valve is pushed.

Pushing buttons? Valves? Pumps? She'll get sick of him soon and kick him out...mark my words.

Then he'll come back...telling you he's left her. And you will be a different woman...and you'll laugh in his face and tell him to take his plastic penis to the next in line...but there won't be anyone there!

WouldBeGood · 30/01/2021 08:07

@Stillfunny

He didn't tell you the truth , not because you are worthless , but because he is a coward . And a liar . Utterly selfish , self absorbed . These men seem to be able to just put their wives and families out of their mind .
I agree with this. It’s bizarre, they all follow the same lines.

Mine was utterly amazed that everyone didn’t just accept his “new life” happily. It’s like they are on a different planet.

Original poster
MoreLegsThanMe · 30/01/2021 22:33

Thank you so much.

I got through today at least. I’m taking the meds and waiting to feel happier but so far...

You see all of you saying it won’t last etc are wrong. It will because they are soulmates and they have a connection. It’s Romeo and Juliet you see. Those two against the world. That’s the picture he’s painting.

Not a word to the DC, not a single word.

No, I wouldn’t take him back or perhaps the right word is couldn’t. How could I ever trust a single word out of him. He’s destroyed all these lives and like @WouldBeGood says, he can’t understand why nobody accepts what he’s done and carries on as normal. He must understand on some level what he’s done, or maybe he blocks it all from his mind now that he’s with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoreLegsThanMe · 30/01/2021 22:34

But when she’s 47 he’ll be 70. It’s inconceivable they’d still be together surely.....

OP posts:
SoVery · 30/01/2021 22:58

It isn't going to last. Their bubble is going to burst and it won't take long either. They're in the first flush of 'love' and nothing else matters. Once reality hits things are going to be very different and I highly suspect he'll come crawling back to you.

Onthedunes · 30/01/2021 23:12

I've never seen that version of Romeo and Juliet op, is that the one where one of them has a zimmer frame and the other one skips at the side of them holding their colostomy bag for them on the way to the toilet. Grin

Original poster
MoreLegsThanMe · 30/01/2021 23:33

@SoVery I hope he does. Then it will be me putting him straight.

@Onthedunes you’ve clearly been watching the wrong version. You’re getting mixed up with the Shakespeare one aren’t you..

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 30/01/2021 23:46

I clearly have.

Sleep tight op.

Flowers
Whathehello · 30/01/2021 23:47

They won't last OP, you know this and you're right.

They are a walking cliche.

He's already sick of her kids, I bet that'll be the straw which breaks the camel's back.

It's already fucked really isn't it? There's nothing remotely good about their relationship.

Keep talking to us, things are going to get better I promise you.

Stillfunny · 30/01/2021 23:50

Oh please , not another pathetic middle aged man talking about his " soulmate , true love , deep connection affair. They have some bond - both liars , cheaters , drama driven shits who have abandoned their families and responsibilities in order to play love nesters.
If your teenage son talked like this , you would be rolling your eyes .

Nobody is interested in their version. of this. Idiots .

FortunesFave · 31/01/2021 00:10

StillFunny Yes, my friend's husband did this to her two years ago....he left her in financial ruins too. Before he left he convinced her to take a loan out on his struggling business and then they remortgaged the house too.

Surprise surprise the business went under and then he magically met his soulmate.

My friend's and his kids were 18 and 21 and he met his soulmate all of a sudden and buggered off to live with her and her two small kids.

My friend lost her home and her husband and lives in a rental and within a year....his soulmate wasn't so perfect and he's now alone in a rental too.

The soulmate turned out to be a complete nutcase who did all number of crazy things.