Can someone just hold my hand? Just for a bit

[MoreLegsThanMe]

My husband of 36 years has left. I don’t know how to get through tonight. Can someone just hold my hand, please?

It’s totally normal to feel like that. It feels so strange to be alone after so long. I was terrified. I behaved like an arse too, I feel embarrassed now.

Thought I’d never ever be with or trust a man again. But it happened. But now I know I’d be ok on my own too.

Do you have anyone in your life that can give you the reassurance you need ? A friend? I too missed the physical presence of a loving partner. In different times , you may have been able to get to counselling. On behalf of all the other women who have been there , you WILL get through this and you will be OK .

Counselling is still available, on phone or online. Or in person in certain circumstances. It’s been amazing for me.

Thank you.

@Stillfunny, no, there’s nobody at all other than my DC. It’s sad, but other than them I have nobody.

The only good thing I think I’m doing is keeping things normal for them. I will not fall apart in front of them. I’ve told them all they can talk to me whenever they like, that if they want to talk to their father or WhatsApp or whatever that’s perfectly fine and I won’t ask them about it or pry. I haven’t badmouthed him in front of them.

Everything I’m doing is for them now. I won’t have them messed up by this.

You are being a great mother and good person. Hold your chin high, that is worth everything

You are doing so well and keeping your dignity. Another one here who thinks it won't last - they will never have the bracelet of memories that you and he have and she knows that too. He is a stupid man who is trying to regain his youth and he'll end up sad and lonely and full of regret. Please don't contact him - she will get great satisfaction from that.

Hello op, I'm sorry your feeling lonely, I did too, but when I thought about it there was not much to be lonely for, you can be with someone and still feel the like lonliest person in the world, if that makes sense.

What you can do now is think of possibilities, a way your mind hasn't worked for many many years. I know you think you are older and don't want to meet someone but as you grow stronger and when lockdown eases you will slowly start to venture out. What can happen though is your attitude to others including men who you speak to quite innocently can turn into friendships.
Male friendships that were off bounds before, and I mean real friends not in a view to anything more, can evolve from the most innocent of trips out. It's surprising how you can become more open and free to invite people into your world when you don't have your primary partner to think about.
You would be surprised how many lonely people are out there who just want the same things, companionship, friendship. You really don't know whats in store for you.
So allow yourself to dream..... imagine sitting on the sofa just watching telly with someone with good conversation, a friend meeting your family, going to the theatre or whatever you like doing.
I've known many people in their later years( and you're not that old) find friends just through their shared experiences of being hurt and sharing that hurt.
Anyway I' m rambling, but I hope you get my gist.

Take care and get a good nights sleep.

I do think lockdown is one of the biggest factors with you mh at the moment, you can’t go out and interact with other people so you’re alone with your own thoughts. It will improve, do you have any things you’d like to try, have a look to see if your community is doing any online zoom things. I know most of it tends to be church based which if you’re not religious can be off putting but you need different people to talk to, even if it’s just about the weather. One of my fb runs a book group, things like that. You’ve kept going with things like housework, but you do need to get your brain thinking about other things.

I'm wondering do you like reading? Could you escape into a book? Snuggle in bed or on the sofa with a box of chocolates and a good book? I would recommend 'the woman who went to bed for a year' I think you might just get something out of it. I wonder if any other wise women on here have read it?

@Turtletotem

I'm wondering do you like reading? Could you escape into a book? Snuggle in bed or on the sofa with a box of chocolates and a good book? I would recommend 'the woman who went to bed for a year' I think you might just get something out of it. I wonder if any other wise women on here have read it?

Oh I hated that book, I’m not sure it’s the best choice for op in her current mindset. But it is an ok story and an easy read.

Once I felt a bit better I enjoyed Woman Last Seen In Her Thirties by Camille Pagan.

Still here quietly supporting you in the background. Look at you still putting one foot in front of the other two weeks down the line. You may not feel much better yet but you are still moving forwards x

You are doing so well OP. I feel like you need to find a way for you to feel more in control and take back the power.
Right now it's still so raw but you are strong, you got through this once before and you can do it again.
They may be happy for a little while but their relationship is built on lies and betrayal, it's highly likely it won't last.
What you need to do is work out what makes you happy? What do you want from your life?
Don't think you can't have a future with someone. You can have anything you want now. You are in control and you can make your future amazing - you just have to have faith In yourself! X

Thank you all again, so much.

He contacted me today - via WhatsApp, obviously too cowardly to phone - to say DS’s teacher had left a voicemail just asking how DS was doing.

I just replied that I’d ask the school not to contact him again.

And that was it. No asking how the DC are, nothing.

I feel like today has gone by in a daze. I just seem to count down the hours to being alone again so I can stop my happy performance. Then when I am alone the thoughts start coming.

I wish this would stop

The GP had asked if I’d thought of killing myself.

It’s not that, it’s that I just wish I wasn’t here if that makes any sense. That I could just disappear.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. If you have no one you can confide in please please try and find an organisation (maybe have a look online?) where you can speak to someone in confidence. While it won't take the pain away sometimes it's really helps just to tell someone how you feel. You will feel worse and obsess about it constantly otherwise.

Your children are of an age where they can understand your pain to a certain degree. Try and be strong together, I'm sure they probably feel as betrayed as you.

As for that vile woman (and I use the word woman very loosely), she is just looking for a reaction from you. Don't give her the satisfaction, although I'm sure it's very hard! It speaks volumes about the kind of person she is, she has an affair with married man with a family and then tries to rub it in your face. Nasty vile human beings. Both of them.

A big hug from me x

Ah what a fucktard he is, and he's done you a favour by putting the rubbish out. Thank him for the life you've had and the children you have. They're now your own little army to protect and forever cherish you. The poor man has had a touch of late middle aged crisis and will soon come back to you begging for forgiveness. It's up to you whether or not you want to grow old with this man who has betrayed you or seize this opportunity to be free?

OP there are plenty of women on here who have been just where you are now. Just wanted to say we all came through it, it just takes time. I had probably an average of 2 hours of sleep a night for the best part of 6 months. I used to put something boring and repetitive on the tv (news or something similar that goes around and around) and it helped me to eventually drift off even if it was only for a short while. I then came across audiobooks which I'd never used before and started playing them to sleep. It means that when you're awake you can just listen and lie relaxing and if you repeat the same books when you know the story thoroughly it helps you fall asleep as your brain knows what is going to happen next. The next few weeks it's just a case of getting through each day and the way you feel is perfectly normal at this stage. My exH and I had been together for 28 years, married for almost 26 and 2 DD's who were 22 & 12 at the time. The OW was only 3 years older than our eldest and a junior employee to tick all the Bingo boxes. We are now 4 years on and while they are still together he's lost everything that mattered to him and is apparently suffering mental health issues. I have a new partner who has his own house and we have fun and enjoy each other's company. It's a much better life now. Yours will be too.

I understand the wanting to disappear, its not about doing anything silly and being suicidal, it's just a desire to not be seen and to be invisible. Its a coping mechanism and again it won't last forever - but vyou do have any darker thoughts, please speak to your GP.
You're still doing brilliantly - you don't realise but all of these days are adding up and your success rate at getting through is 100%
Keep doing what you're doing, you're amazing x

hi, op, thats totally understandable and how many women feel when something so traumatic has happened.

You sound exhausted, you will feel like this until your strength begins to return. You're not there yet but don't loose hope that you will not feel better.
You will, but it takes time, you wish your days away until you feel better, but you will get there.
I think you're doing remarkably well even though you do not.
Keep going, one step at a time, and do not get annoyed at yourself, you don't deserve it.
Be kind to yourself x

@MoreLegsThanMe
I just seem to count down the hours to being alone again so I can stop my happy performance. Then when I am alone the thoughts start coming.
I wish this would stop

Perhaps all that effort to put on a 'happy performance' is making things worse? I'm sure your dcs must be aware that you are likely to be in pain, and you can still look after them while sharing difficult feelings between you. On both sides. Might feel better than pretending you're fine.

Because they already know you're not. And they might feel better about sharing their thoughts too if you do it. Just a thought.

OP, you seem to have a good gp, could you ask him for a referral for therapy?

I know you probably feel too private, but talking your trauma through with someone, putting your situation into words might bring you forward.

When we experience upsetting things, the more we talk about it, the better we focus. Ime if we only think things through, we tend to go in circles (or perhaps that's just me ).

Thank you for being so kind. I wouldn’t hurt myself while the DC are here, so they’d find me. Anyway they’ve already lost one parent so there’s no way they’ll lose me.

It’s the nights that are the worst, especially when she sent me those messages and pictures. I just imagine them having sex when it didn’t happen for us for about 7-8 years and I was so patient waiting for him. He promised over and again he’d done it for us, and how it’d get us back to where we were.

He lied and lied and lied again didn’t he

How are you doing today OP? Do you think you are feeling any benefit from the citalopram yet? How are you sleeping now?

Hi lovely op.

Still here, have you managed to watch anything on TV or anything, or have you still been going full throttle with cleaning.?

How are the children at the moment have you had any further chats with them. Have you seen the grandchildren at all.

I hope the meds are helping, have you managed to get any sleep.