Can someone just hold my hand? Just for a bit

[MoreLegsThanMe]

My husband of 36 years has left. I don’t know how to get through tonight. Can someone just hold my hand, please?

@ MoreLegsThanMe of course it’s a trauma - it will leave you feeling bereft (I don’t say that lightly given the current situation). But just because bad things are happening in the world, doesn’t diminish your situation or make it any less painful. You’re not too old - a 78 year old has just made president - there is hope for us all 😊. Genuinely, I found it heartening to look up all the amazing things people have done in later life. Gave me a boost. Feel what you feel, all valid - face those feelings down, wallow in them for a little while and then pick yourself up and tick something off your list. You can and will get through this. You still exist but you might need a little rejuvenation when the shock has worn off - you’ll find bits of yourself that you had forgotten about and be proud of yourself for a whole new set of things. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Every day.

His treatment of his DC is horrible, and sadly too common. Again, reap what you down. Sending love x

Thank you.

I heard from DDs1 and 2 tonight - today is DGD’s birthday and he sent her a happy birthday message then followed up with a cut and paste job to DDs1 and 2 declaring that he loved them all and thought about them all the time. I don’t think DDs3 and 4 and DS were treated to the same spiel.

It still cuts me to the core when he says things like this, no doubt with his new four children somewhere in the background.

I’m still just concentrating on a minute at a time? Getting through each day til I can go to bed and sort of cocoon myself away from everything. Surely I should be further along by now?

Trauma is absolutely the right word OP, if that’s what you feel then that’s what it is.
What ever you feel right now is okay. Be kind to you as your are the important one not him and definitely not her.

Op. My story is different but it takes years. If you are brushing your teeth and keeping yourself a bit occupied you are doing very, very well.

@MoreLegsThanMe - don’t beat yourself up on the timetable of when you’ll feel better.
It might be tomorrow. Or next week. Or next year.
And it won’t be a lightbulb moment either. It’ll come gradually.

This pandemic shenanigans really doesn’t help, as it’s much harder to escape your thoughts.

Try doing something practical, like assembling all the financial stuff. Or learning to crochet. Or both.

I decided that as we were stuck in a pandemic, the best use of my time was to get divorced. And I plan to come out the other side single.

@ MoreLegsThanMe you should be exactly where you are. It will take time - you probably won’t recognise it as you go along, but one day you’ll suddenly realise you’re smiling or not thinking of him or feeling so sad. For now, minute by minute, day by day. It’s fine to feel rage, jealously, grief etc. Just remember that your greatest power is your ability to control how you react to all of this. Your dignity will charge your batteries, give you confidence and get you through (that doesn’t mean you can’t hope he gets cock-rot in private).

Hi OP, it won't last. I haven't read the full thread, but please don't waste your time on this liar. He let you believe he was living alone for six months, and used you when he had problems in his new relationship. He doesn't want you, his loss though.

Thank you.

I took a sleeping pill at about 10.30 but I’m awake again already....does this mean I took it too early/late or that they’ve stopped working already?

Woke up to an email from SIL in the US. Apparently his father left him a message to say he was welcome at the house any time to talk face-to-face but he’d better not bring that whore with him. So it looks like he’ll never see his own DF again now either. And with DF in his eighties he may not have many opportunities to see him even if he had the guts to try.

So really I think that’s it. The family isn’t big. They’ve all made their feelings clear to him one way or another. You think he’d come crashing down to Earth shortly wouldn’t you..

You email be the dignified and brave one in time to come, you'll share your stories one day and other women will benefit from your wisdom. It will happen op I promise!

Your dh is up and you are down at the moment but that won't always be the case. His world will come crashing down at stone point, he's made side of it, the same way you will start to feel better and rebuild your life. As you rise, he will fall, you can give him a wave (or the finger) as you pass each other.

Just keep swimming in the words of Dory

I agree very much with @harknesswitch

Now I think XH looks at my life with envy, and I feel a bit sorry for him.

I never in a million years thought that would happen!

Morning, hope you got some more sleep. He probably will turn to his Dad on his own at some point because he will be wanting to get away from OW and her kids but won't have anywhere else to go. Trust me she will move them in for sure and not the new kids you are imagining but kids he will have no say in how they behave and he will regret he is not living with your lovely kids . That is for sure.
He has made a mistake and a mess and he has to live with that .
As a challenge to yourself try and stop looking at things through how he feels and his actions, whether he has contacted kids etc, try your hardest to detach from him. Get your money sorted with him and try to let him go, cut him adrift.
Do one thing today that is for you, that you like. Or maybe write a list of things you like and would like to do, no matter how silly or impossible they seem right now. (I mean I'd just like to go to a lovely restaurant but you know!) books you might like to read, activities you've always fancied or admired. Holidays you'd like to take, with your kids or fantasy stranger. Theatre trips?
Are there things you stopped doing because he wasn't really into them? We all make compromises in marriage and just have a little analysis about what you like
You are not too old for any of these things

Glad to see that you are thinking a bit more clearly now . Stick with the sleeping tablets if you are still not getting a nights sleep. If not , maybe check with GP .
You are doing well , keeping going every day. Do you find it a relief that other people in your life know? Do reach out for support if you think they are able to give you any comfort .

@MoreLegsThanMe you can see how far you've come by the number of posts you've made in the last few days. Well done.

Silly foolish man

One day this horrible man will mean nothing to you

And trust me it is the best feeling ever

Stay strong
Your reactions are perfectly normal considering the shock of all this
Xxxxx

@MoreLegsThanMe I just wanted to echo what a PP said. We were all once in your shoes - devastated, wondering how our husbands could do this, questioning everything and thinking we wouldn't recover. And now we're here with you. And one day you'll be here reassuring the next woman (and sadly there will be a constant flow of them) that it's not only survivable but can actually be better than your old life. Have faith.

Hello and thank you (hope I’m not posting too much).

I spoke to the GP again and he’s said again it’ll be a while before I feel any benefit from the citalopram.

I will keep going with them but I still just feel so - I don’t even know the right words. Humiliated, like they’re laughing at me, basically like I’m nothing.

I just can’t seem to snap out of this.

Should I contact him and tell him to get in touch with all the DC? The last time I spoke to him was the Sunday he left. I’ve not had any contact at all since.

Maybe I should go to their flat and cause a scene because that certainly worked in her favour.

No, @MoreLegsThanMe don’t get in touch with him or go round. It’s up to him to sort things with the DCs.

You’re doing brilliantly. I know it will still feel shit, but you are. Post here if you’re tempted to contact him.

No do not contact him for that, if he chooses not to get in touch with them it’s on him. What you do need to do and sooner rather than later is start getting arrangements for cms.

The ads will start to kick in, I promise they’re not laughing at you, you are doing the right things.

Don’t feel too down and feel you should be able to snap out of it, it’s January, we are all feeling awful and your whole world has collapsed around you. You are sounding stronger with each passing day, soon you will start to feel it too. But the dignified silence is the best approach, Don’t give him the satisfaction. If the kids choose to contact him that’s their choice but it is not your job to facilitate it.

Thank you - I won’t do it. It’s more that I feel so bad for the DC not hearing from him rather than him not hearing from them, if that makes sense.

And yet they seem totally unconcerned that they’re not hearing anything.

Oh I’m such a mess

They’re old enough to contact him if they’d like to. He’s done all this, not you. He needs to sort it, if he chooses to do so.

Can you try to think about something nice, like some changes to the decor? Bedding? I found that really helpful

You feel bad for your children because you have empathy and you love them.
Let them know you're there for them.
If they're not concerned, it's likely they're not thinking about it long term, or it's not taking up their whole day.
Be there for them, however, now is the time to take care of you.

Remember when on a plane we're told in an emergency put your own mask on before helping others. This is true in life too, we must take care of ourselves before we can take care of others.

You’re so right, of course.

Stupidly, so stupidly, I bought a new bed when he left last year. And new bed linen. And I had someone in to redecorate. It all feels tainted now but I can’t change it.

The whole thing is like some stupid soap opera but it’s my life

@MoreLegsThanMe make small changes. I ordered IKEA bedding and bought decorative, girlie, sparkly bits in B&M and charity shops. I bought a good little speaker so I could listen to my music without criticism. I made myself a haven.

You've made a good decision in choosing not to contact him and especially in not going to his new property.

Visiting him would have wiped you out emotionally, and gained you nothing.

Instead, focus on yourself and your own needs. Are you managing to eat, even if it's only snacks? Have you come to any conclusions about how you will finance your life in the near future?

These are more important questions for you now, than how his flabby dick is behaving!

My bed is kind of my cocoon right now. I’d never get up again given the chance.

Financially I’m okay. I’m not well off, far from it, but I have enough for bills and food and anything the DC want/need, within reason.

Is it normal to feel so lonely? Just to want someone to hold you and tell you it’ll be okay?