Can someone just hold my hand? Just for a bit

[MoreLegsThanMe]

My husband of 36 years has left. I don’t know how to get through tonight. Can someone just hold my hand, please?

• every single post

This afternoon DD2 had a message from him. DGD has her birthday soon and he wanted to tell her he’d sent a card and some money and could she let him know it arrives okay. She asked me what to do.

I said it was entirely up to her and I wouldn’t mind what she did, but if s d when anything arrives here for DD4 and DS it will be sent back unopened. I think that sends a better message than thanking him for something. It might even make him begin to realise what he has done

And yes, she said she would see her children at their father’s home which is apparently a 5 minute drive away. She was doing school runs etc before lockdown. I imagine that slowly, slowly they will creep back to the flat until they are eventually staying there again. So his choices will be to stay and put up with them, or leave her and go who knows where.

All the while his own DC are doing well and the younger ones work mostly 9-3 for school. Bright, beautiful, mature DC and he would rather have his new family of, in his words “drama llamas. Different drama every day@.

He will wake up one day and wonder what he threw away OP. For sure.

Hope you can be kind to yourself tonight, take a sleeping pill, try to give yourself a pat on the back for keeping on keeping on, for being there for your fab children.

She sounds awful.

You will rise from this and be ok. I know, cos I’ve done it. It’s really hard. But it’s much better than being with a hopeless partner

Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight OP. You are doing unbelievably well. There's only one person who can hold their head up high in this situation and that's you.

But nobody would keep me away from my DC. It just would not be. To send one message and then turn off his phone because he’s scared of what they say. To tell DD3 he’s sorry that he treated “your mother so appallingly” then offer her the use of his car “don’t cut off your nose to spite your face” Surely he should be messaging every day saying he’s sorry and he loves them.

But soon he’ll be too busy with his new shiny dick to think of literally nothing else..when I had no sexual relationship with him for 7/8 years when the ED first hit. I was so, so patient and lovingEventually no touching, no kissing, no holding even. And I was desperate to be held and kissed you can’t imagine. And I waited and waited and waited. And now he’ll be with her won’t he. They’ll be learning it all together

I’m so sorry to go on. I’ve been in touch with the doctors for a prescription for anti-depressants. It feels like my failure.

I’m so sorry.

I think your doing great! What he has done is just evil,you deserve better and one day you will find happiness again x

You are not a failure. Going on antidepressants isn't failure . It is you looking after your mental well being so that you can be the strong woman that you were before this trauma undid you.

I have tortured myself thinking things like you ,imagining stuff he did. It absolutely does you no good and you will never know the answers you seek.

He seems to have lost his goddamn mind.Impossible to figure out. Wonder if his ED contributed to all this. Men are so sexually oriented , I think , it kind of defines a lot for them. If he couldn't perform with you, he might have felt ashamed . And you were with him when he had a healthy sex life .

It might suit the OW to be in a sexless relationship. And let's face it , it's not exactly going to be great or spontaneous.

This OW seems to be a cold hearted bitch . Takes some selfishness to abandon your kids . This will probably only last as long as craziness does.
They deserve each other, two dysfunctional bastards. It's not love , they don't even know each other.

But whatever becomes of that drama , please don't let him back. He has abused your trust , been cruel , lied , cheated and had no consideration for your feelings. And has also dumped his kids. Hope you can see what an unappealing sleazy, selfish bastard he is.

You are way too good for him and really dont need such an nasty person in your life.

I’d let the kids keep any gifts, they are not obliged to say anything to him if he’s doing it for gratitude being blanked with silence is more of a message. He’s not even worth your time to return something in anger. For all he knows it may never have arrived, it could have been put in the bin. If you don’t tell him he’ll never know.

Today’s a bad day and I don’t even know why.

Every minute like an hour.

It’s so hard
.

FWIW, the single best piece of advise I ever got was "don't get bitter" because it eats you up from the inside. Be angry, sad, hurt, devastated, but don't get bitter.

xx

Hey...how are you feeling? My partner left last Thursday...still struggling to get myself together :-(

@MoreLegsThanMe

Today’s a bad day and I don’t even know why.

Every minute like an hour.

It’s so hard
.

Today is a shit day, the weather is horrid which makes everything dark and when you’re in a dark place anyway it’s going to make you feel worse.

Have you got the ADs yet, they will help just to get you over these few weeks. You can do this, are you working at the moment.

OP maybe it’s time to start taking action? Find a solicitor to help with the divorce process? It’s about taking some control of your situation, at the moment you are just being tossed around on a sea of other people’s (his) actions, you need to act to save yourself. Also, in your shoes I would not enquire whether he has contacted your DC, and maybe ask them not to tell you if he does. You need to shut him out of your head and just focus on you.

Im sorry to jump on your thread but im new to mumsnet and dont really know how this all works. My partner left me on 1st December ( said he was struggling with things) then came back. But left again on Thursday. I feel like utter shit I am struggling to cope. No explanation just im going to my mums, I said to him you can't just leave again but he didn't respond. I got his step dad to collect some of his bits yesterday and day before and then I got a message saying, if I'd known you were gonna pack my things you could of at least said and I would of come and got them myself.
Its made me feel like its my fault now...I said to his step dad does he know your here, and he said not right now, but he knows you spoke to me about coming. I said has he mentioned what his gonna do, to which he said he had made a passing comment about getting his own place. Its thrown me because now its like I've just chucked him out. I love him with every part of me, but I know feel down I cannot have him back. He left me before too, and ive always been anxious since then wondering whether his gonna come home or not, I begged him not to leave ( not my finest hour ) and he said he wouldn't. I even said to him the day he left again...you are coming home...he said yes but then didn't. When he came back I tried so hard to make him stay, didn't make too much of a deal that he'd left previously, lovely pjs every night, tried not to mention anything for fear of him leaving, and he still went.
Im absolutely heartbroken to the point I have no idea how im going to keep going

OP there doesn't need to be a "why" it's a bad day, you're experiencing one of the worst kinds of betrayal there is, of course it's going to be hard.

The fact that your two youngest DC are doing their online lessons - they are up, dressed and fed - is down to you. I bet the fact that they're bright and mature is down to you too.

Don't underestimate what you are doing at such a difficult time. You are doing so well, really.

@MoreLegsThanMe

Today’s a bad day and I don’t even know why.

Every minute like an hour.

It’s so hard
.

I found having a hot shower with loud music helped in those days. Music is a mood booster. I even made a playlist with songs on about it getting better - Beyoncé, Dua Lipa etc. Sounds silly but it helps.

Hot shower, cry (I cried in the shower a lot so the kids could see me!), and music. It will help. Small victories, fairy steps. Even getting out of bed is a positive. Don't be hard on yourself 💕

Anti depressants are not failure, if you had cancer you'd not think twice about taking medication, anti depressants are needed by you at this time.

They really dragged me out of a hole at one point in my life, it's not failure, it's doing what's best for you.

@Qwerty2021 start a new thread in your name, you'll get replies that way rather than being lost in another thread.

Go to Relationships click on Start new thread in this topic. I would also ask MN to delete your one in here.

@harknesswitch

Anti depressants are not failure, if you had cancer you'd not think twice about taking medication, anti depressants are needed by you at this time.

They really dragged me out of a hole at one point in my life, it's not failure, it's doing what's best for you.

Totally agree!

@MoreLegsThanMe I haven’t read all of the replies but I’ve read each of your posts. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

The one thing that has stuck with me is that you keep saying you won’t find anyone, and who would want you. Did you ever think someone younger would want your husband? Probably not, so why can’t it be the same for you?

I agree with the pp who said it’s time to start taking action. It’s not going to make all of the pain disappear but small actions that will make you feel more in control will really help. There was a post on here before where someone was also left by a partner and she took up running. It became her way to clear her head, kept her occupied and it also helped her tire her out physically. Is this something you could try? If you’re not a runner could you do the couch to 5K? Could you start yoga or Pilates or something? There are lots of online classes where you can have interaction with other people.

I think it was the same person who also redecorated and rearranged her bedroom so it was no longer their bedroom. Is this something you could do?

Also, what about listening to hypnotherapy or audio books when the quiet nights come? I used to listen to weight loss hypnosis on YouTube. Didn’t really work but it did make me fall asleep!

I’ll come back later when they’re all asleep but just wanted to update quickly

Today has been so bad, so hard. I don’t even know why. Yesterday I thought I was doing okay but today......you know when you are trying so hard not to just cry that your throat hurts. I mean why? It’s not a birthday or anniversary, anything like that. It’s just been like a nightmare all day....

Keep telling myself that self-pity won’t help and to just get up, get up (metaphorically- I’ve not spent the day in bed) but it’s like I’m not even listening to myself

You're allowed to feel what you feel. I guess there will be days like but slowly there will be more good days than bad. Give yourself a break. You're mourning. X

MoreLegs as you start to recover (Yes, you will) you'll realise that you don't improve on a steady smooth upward path. It's much more like a series of waves or spirals, with daily, sometimes hourly, troughs and peaks.
But over time, weeks and months, your recovery will gain momentum.
Occasionally it will be a date, a birthday perhaps, or a song, or a particular place, that will plummet you into pain, but you will cope with it, and the next time will be easier.

I know this is so, because my partner & I had been together for 32 years when he left for a much younger woman. I felt as though she had stolen my life, and left me with just a few shattered fragments of my happy life.
It isn't easy, it does hurt, but you will get through this awful time.