Page 24 | Can someone just hold my hand? Just for a bit

MoreLegsThanMe · 2021-01-11T01:58:31+00:00

My husband of 36 years has left. I don’t know how to get through tonight. Can someone just hold my hand, please?

Sassysally12 · 18/01/2021 22:03

If he’s feeling sorry for himself now, wait till his birthday and Father’s Day! He’s going to get a surprise, when he sees that his actions have had huge consequences. And good, I can’t wait!! By then you will be sticking two fingers up to him xxx

mumieone · 18/01/2021 22:07

Wow. He did her wrong somewhere along the line and she made him pay...that’s why she contacted you. To ruin it for him so he did not continue to have his cake and eat it bouncing from your bed to hers. Don’t trust this guy - bad egg, You are better off alone and lonely than devastated and feeling empty in a relationship.

wifterwafter · 18/01/2021 22:18

@MoreLegsThanMe I've just RTFT and you are grieving. Your sense of loss is huge because this man was your life, you're hurting for the lies he's told in the past, the stolen future, the pain of your children and that is a lot for one person to carry.

Do not be fobbed off by him not paying maintenance. Seek advice from a solicitor when you feel strong enough. Despite having separate finances you are entitled to 50/50 as a starting point and because you have dependent children you will likely get more. He will already know this which is why he's tried to keep things sweet.

Try to immerse yourself in a hobby, go for a walk each day and remember it's ok not to be strong, it's ok for the children to know how devastated you are and how much you're struggling. You're human. Let them see your vulnerability ans they may share theirs too.

Do this in your time in your way. I'm on the N Yorks/Co Durham border and if it wasn't for lockdown I'd happily meet up.

Sending hugs and hope x

thebestnamehere · 18/01/2021 22:32

@MoreLegsThanMe

Apparently her husband used to ignore her and spent half the night on his x box.

They met on something called Illicit Encounters?

Jesus wept. The cunt.

I have been there and you will get through it. Do not have him back, ever. it will never be the same. Get your ducks in a row and start the divorce. Let her have him the piece of shit. He went in this knowing what could happen. They absolute deserve each other.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 18/01/2021 22:56

The thing about affairs is, they need drama to survive. The illicit sneaking around, the whispered phone calls, secret texts. Then it gets discovered and there's supposed to be more drama, hence him going back and forth and her turning up outside your house and messaging your children like a bloody psycho. The amazing thing is, you're not playing your "part" in their little soap opera and it'll be killing them. The kids aren't either. In their tiny minds, you're supposed to be begging him to come back and there should be DRAMA. Without that, when it comes to real life and erectile dysfunction and sore backs, and farting in bed, and a huge age gap - it's going to crumble to dust. He will be left with nothing and you will have everything that matters.

you are doing incredibly well. Their relationship is built on lies and secrets. You are so so strong. You might not feel like it, but you've kept your head up, you haven't given them what they want. I imagine he's not been in touch because none of this has played out the way he/they thought it would.

I'm in awe of you. I know you won't believe me. But - you're amazing. Just by keeping going through all those long minutes. He's not worthy of you and you will be happy again.

ThisTooShallBe · 18/01/2021 23:03

I hope you get some decent rest tonight OP.

rainbowstardrops · 18/01/2021 23:27

I know you can't see it and don't feel it right now but you are far stronger than you think.
Just take it all as it comes and you'll get there.
Meanwhile, that stupid prick has lost everything.
You'll have the last laugh.

Readingandrighting · 18/01/2021 23:43

This thread shows how kind & wonderful so many women are.

BlueThistles · 19/01/2021 01:39

🌺

billybagpuss · 19/01/2021 06:44

Hoping you’ve got so,e sleep last night

lowbudgetnigella · 19/01/2021 09:21

Good morning, just letting you know, still here for you x

OhioOhioOhio · 19/01/2021 09:31

Morning op. Take it all an hour at a time.

Onthedunes · 19/01/2021 09:49

Morning op, I hope you got some sleep.

Original poster

MoreLegsThanMe · 19/01/2021 10:01

Thank you.

I have to move soon to put the bin out. It’ll probably be my achievement for today.

I thought last night that the scene she caused when she came to the house - they could’ve thought this up between them. Thinking she’d do what she did, say what she’d said, and I’d throw him out there and then and they could’ve trotted off together.

But it didn’t work out like that so they had to wait another week before he left.

It was just a thought but knowing the pair of them...

OP posts:

Original poster

MoreLegsThanMe · 19/01/2021 10:02

Here comes another day of just hating myself and what my life is reduced to - I will come back later though

OP posts:

Blobby10 · 19/01/2021 10:24

MoreLegsThanMe I have just read all your posts - I'm afraid I have no words of wisdom to offer you as I haven't been through the total hell you are going through. Please please allow your GP to help - if he recommends anti depressants then please try them. If they have the same result as they did for me, they lift the black cloud just enough for you to take small steps forward without crashing into something. Those small steps are the start - I used to make lists starting with 'wake up' 'get out of bed' ' clean teeth' just so I could cross something off that I had achieved for the day. it sounds crazy but when you are in such a dark place it really does help. not much but a little. And gradually, over time, it helps more as you put bigger things on the list and perhaps don't see getting out of bed as a major achievement.

Please keep posting - its not real life but getting your thoughts down anywhere is better than keeping them in your head. When you are stronger, you may like to write your ex and his strumpet a letter - be as harsh and hateful as you want - then crumple it up and burn it. Some say that act of writing and burning puts the subject of the letter into the bin in your brain.

Onthedunes · 19/01/2021 10:25

Hi op,
Please don't hate yourself, we think you're lovely.

Do you think you could go online and find some numbers for councillors, you could have a safe space to vent and talk through anything, instead of bottling things up.

Make sure your eating enough aswell.

SecretDoor · 19/01/2021 13:17

Hating yourself is a waste and adding to this punishment you are feeling. I am absolutely sure you are a decent kind human. Please be kind to yourself. Watch your favourite genre of tv. Listen to audiobooks. Have multiple hot chocolates , your favourite meals , buy some flowers fir your bedroom

Alternatively think: What have you done to your children when they went through a breakup? I am sure you didn't say get on with the ironing! Reach out for hugs. Ask them to make cups of tea etc

SallyAnn32 · 19/01/2021 13:55

Hi Op,

I hope you're ok. This happened to me this time last year after a 16 year relationship and 10 year marriage and 2 young DD's. He had an affair with a work colleague.

It was the hardest time of my life. I felt suicidal and couldn't even think more than the next minute. The OW is a crazy bitch and has done some terrible stuff which the police are dealing with. However stbxh never did and still doesn't believe any of it. He thinks I'm making it all up. That was hard at first but over time I've developed thick skin. My eldest (9) hasn't seen her dad for a year. My youngest sees him but she is hit and miss when she wants to go.

He's lost everything.

The first year was so hard and someone said to me just get through this year of firsts. It was so hard but I got there. And I've met someone and I'm happy. There are days when I desperately want him back but it's all part of the grief process. My ex also rewrote history and said life was shit when it was far from it. We were the fairytale couple. I still think it's all a midlife crisis for but what I wanted to say was that I promise it will get easier. It won't feel like it right now but it will. I didn't want to live anymore and it was my 2 DD who got me through it. Day by day, minute by minute. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Your soul will feel destroyed and your history unknown but I PROMISE that one day you'll laugh, or do something without thinking about him for 10 seconds, then that will get longer and longer and some days you will hardly think of him at all. Some days I still think about him constantly and wonder whether he regrets it, but the empowering feeling of getting stronger is just the best. You have got this. You can do it.

Take care of yourself xx

SallyAnn32 · 19/01/2021 13:59

@SallyAnn32

Hi Op,

I hope you're ok. This happened to me this time last year after a 16 year relationship and 10 year marriage and 2 young DD's. He had an affair with a work colleague.

It was the hardest time of my life. I felt suicidal and couldn't even think more than the next minute. The OW is a crazy bitch and has done some terrible stuff which the police are dealing with. However stbxh never did and still doesn't believe any of it. He thinks I'm making it all up. That was hard at first but over time I've developed thick skin. My eldest (9) hasn't seen her dad for a year. My youngest sees him but she is hit and miss when she wants to go.

He's lost everything.

The first year was so hard and someone said to me just get through this year of firsts. It was so hard but I got there. And I've met someone and I'm happy. There are days when I desperately want him back but it's all part of the grief process. My ex also rewrote history and said life was shit when it was far from it. We were the fairytale couple. I still think it's all a midlife crisis for but what I wanted to say was that I promise it will get easier. It won't feel like it right now but it will. I didn't want to live anymore and it was my 2 DD who got me through it. Day by day, minute by minute. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Your soul will feel destroyed and your history unknown but I PROMISE that one day you'll laugh, or do something without thinking about him for 10 seconds, then that will get longer and longer and some days you will hardly think of him at all. Some days I still think about him constantly and wonder whether he regrets it, but the empowering feeling of getting stronger is just the best. You have got this. You can do it.

Take care of yourself xx

Sorry I meant and your future unknown

Icanflyhigh · 19/01/2021 14:07

You have done nothing to warrant hating yourself OP, nothing at all.

You are doing so well, you've maintained your dignity and composite throughout this last week, and though you have had your moments, they have been in private.

You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

KeziaOAP · 19/01/2021 14:51

I can't imagine what you are going through awful what he's done.

Wonder what happened for him to change his mind during the week before he left, did she promise she wouldn't have her dc in tow? Seems he didn't like them always being around. OW sees them somewhere else?

What would he have said it your eldest had an affair with a man of his age? Bet he wouldn't have been happy I have a dd the same age know I wouldn't be happy.

Don't worry about showing your emotions to your dc, even the younger ones they are old enough to understand

ItGetsBetter · 19/01/2021 18:38

How are you Morelegs? Just read your thread.

Whydidimarryhim · 19/01/2021 19:27

Hi OP - you are being much to hard on yourself. It’s only been a week - it’s bad enough him leaving but it’s also the shitty way he did it.
The OW is a drama queen and a cruel woman. She’s abandoned her own children. She’s a selfish woman - he’s selfish too - please be kind to yourself.
Are you eating a little, drinking fluids, resting and sleeping when you can.
You can use natural sleeping aids - promethazine- which is an anti histamine and also Valarium which I found very effective.
As others have said you are grieving - would you expect others to get over it in the way you are expecting yourself too.
Share with your daughters - the older ones - you are not a robot - they will understand.
It’s painful but don’t worry about his contact with the children. They are clear on what they want from him - nothing - they will be hurting and he’s caused it.
It’s easy to say but leave the two of them to the drama - you are being healthy and not feeding it.
It will get better and it will take time. 💐💐

Original poster

MoreLegsThanMe · 19/01/2021 21:47

I always say thank you so much, and thank you again this evening. Please know every single list helps me so much.

@KeziaOAP I have no idea what happened during that week. I’ve thought about til until it’s driven me half-mad. He was promising me there was no contact between them when clearly, obviously, there was. They must have been messaging each other nearly constantly. He said he hated her for sending the messages and pictures to the DC and I. Then on the Sunday he said he was going back to her because he couldn’t stop messaging her, they had a connection and had thought he loved her. It sounds so ridiculous doesn’t if. Like a pathetic soap opera. But it’s my life.

OP posts: