Can someone just hold my hand? Just for a bit

[MoreLegsThanMe]

My husband of 36 years has left. I don’t know how to get through tonight. Can someone just hold my hand, please?

I want tonight to end but then I’ll wake up and for that moment everything will be okay and then I’ll remember. It’s 2.00am and I’m prowling around the house while they’re sleeping.

I just don’t think I can do this

It’s so self-indulgent and pathetic and I can’t stop what the fuck is wrong with me ?

Hi op, I'm listening...

You are not pathetic, you know that, you are in pain stop being hard on yourself.
You sound like you are wearing yourself out in the day to push thoughts aside. Don't wear your self out physically too much, your body is already going through an assault course with the stress.
You are doing fanatastic, although you don't realise it.

Only time will heal this, minute by minute, you know.
But just believe that that pain will diminish and you will start to feel stronger. It will happen, just trust, allow yourself to grieve and don't feel you have to be strong for your children all the time.

Thank you so much @Onthedunes.

I have given in and taken a sleeping pill. It’s only 3.75mg which doesn’t seem much. You’re right I’m trying to keep myself busy during the daytimes. I’m fine as long as I’m not thinking. I can’t bear to think of it, truly I can’t.

I just can’t see anything other than this and I know I cant keep on. He said I was a strong woman but I’m not.

I was a strong woman too. But this is a huge thing for anyone to cope with.I found the strain of keeping going on too much. So , I didn't fight it . It is OK to feel like you do . Take care of yourself . Talk to someone or come on here if you need to. Tell the DCs if you are having a hard time and just take some time to grieve .
And then , stop. Just for a short time , focus on something else , make tea , watch TV , go outside , cook dinner .
You are already a week in , then another starts. In your logical mind , you know he is not good for you, your heart just has to catch up. And it will .

Hi op, I hope your asleep now, don't feel guilty being like this, nobody is judging or timing you on how long your grief will last, you are in the very first stages, everybody heals at different speeds.

There are some ladies who will have been far worse and taken far longer to even pull themselves out of bed.
You are strong, in my opinion, doing the ironing, sorting the children out, trying to keep the hurt from them (though I think too strong on this one, let them in a little on your pain, trust them).
Bloody hell if thats not strong I don't know what is, it seems you are expecting to bounce back in a short time. Christ you are human, stop being hard on yourself, and stop thinking too much into the future.

You are a lovely woman who has not hurt anyone , take pride in that, we recognise that quality in you, now start recognising this in youself.

When I couldn't think of anything else, when I felt I coudn't be distracted, I would go outside and just look up at the stars.

I don't know why that helped, but it did, it made me feel small and inconsequential, made me feel my problems were smaller than what they were.

I felt a real connection with nature for some reason noticing things I didn't normally see. Plants, trees, the birds anything that was peaceful and quiet, watching nature.

It still helps, I love the midnight sky.
It makes me think of the bigger picture.

Op. I'm so, so sorry. I haven't read the whole thread yet but this time you are having sounds awful. Just awful. So cruel and unnecessary. I hate it when I get told I'm so strong, like somehow their shit is then acceptable.

@MoreLegsThanMe the doctor gave you the sleeping pills for a reason, tonight go to bed at 10.45 and take one, treat yourself to a good nights sleep you’ll feel miles better.

Being strong and trying to avoid them is not helping you.

OP it’s not ‘giving in and taking a sleeping tablet’ the dr wouldn’t have prescribed them if they didn’t think you needed them, so take them because that week or so of decent sleep could really help you. The last thing you need on top of how your feeling is severe exhaustion, tonight have a bath and take them and get into bed you deserve it you have been through so much xx you got through one more day

Please keep posting OP, so many people on here are rooting for you. I know it's not the same as having 'proper' support but don't ever feel like you can't vent on here. I keep thinking about you and really am hoping you start to feel a little bit better soon.

And you say earlier that OW's ex used to ignore her and go on his X Box so she really ain't all that!!

Still with you
Keep on keeping on. You are doing fine. You do need to adjust to not looking at yourself through his eyes, or how you imagine he would see you. You are doing your best. If you don't want your kids to see you cry that's up to you but also ok to tell them you feel washed out and really thrown by this. They may surprise you and calmly talking to them may help you.
In next couple of days set yourself task of booking a solicitor appointment. It will be a massive hurdle but is another step on your path to what will be a really decent future. Or maybe write a list of all the things you need to do and sort and work slowly through it. Put anything in your head on there no matter how small.
It is part of the readjustment that you are in control of something, of your future and stability for your kids. You sound so lovely and intelligent, you can do this, you really can.
I don't know for sure but I don't think you are depressed either, just going through a really terrible time and grieving for your planned future. Hour by hour, day by day, we are with you xx

You’re allowed to feel as you do. It’s not weak or indulgent. You’re mourning a loss and a week is no time at all. So many of us have been where you are, and can still remember how painful it was. But you will get through it, and you will thrive. I know that’s so hard to believe right now but day by day that awful feeling that you get upon waking will pass. As cliched as it is, time is a great healer. Slowly you will think about it all less, it won’t hurt as much, you will find yourself genuinely smiling again. This I can promise you.

Don’t think about the future right now. One of the things I found the hardest was that thought that I’d never love someone again. Mainly because I couldn’t see how I could ever trust again. As you can see from all the responses, many have found love again. Me personally, I actually found that I was truly happy on my own. I’m in my 50s too and have realised I love my freedom. I don’t want to “take care” of another man again. It took me time to get to this place. But now I’m here, I’m truly happy.

You will find your own path. Not knowing what lies ahead is scary. You think you have your life mapped out then the rug is pulled from under you. But the truth of it is, it’s also a new beginning.

Night time is torture, please take the sleeping pills just to give yourself a break from the pain. You'll find all of it easier to deal with once you get some sound, deep sleep.

I wouldn't have gotten through without them. xx

Please be kinder to yourself and don't dismiss your feelings. Everything that you are describing are classic signs of trauma and akin to PTSD. You are literally traumatised and your brain is reliving all of these horrible memories in order to try and process them. It's very natural and normal. They are currently just a jumbled mess but over time, each of them will help you form an understanding of what happened to you. Each time you are reliving them, they will be less painful than the time beforehand. You will view the situation more objectively and see that you are now free of a despicable, desperate and manipulative person. You are strong. Learn to roar. But before you roar......cry.....weep....wail.....it's totally understandable and will help you form deeper connections with your children. You aren't burdening them. You are just a human being going through a painful situation

Op please take the sleeping tablets- the lack of sleep is exacerbating your anxiety. You are doing so well - honestly - and there is no shame in using something that a gp gives you to help. I know it’s hard to believe but you will get through this and be the stronger for it !! Fuck him and her! - 2 selfish assholes!

When his letter arrives from the hospital, file it straight in the bin, along with anything else that looks important. Just give him the trivial stuff so he takes a while to clock on. If he hasn't had his mail forwarded, it's on him if he misses appointments - don't make anything easy for him by bring nice and considerate.

Hope you've managed to get an early night @OP.
Still here for you x

was he off much use when he was there if he was having an affair you and your kids are better off without him.

Oh @hollyandkit and every single other poster - it is proper support to me. I have nobody at all in RL to talk to. I really feel you’re keeping me from the brink right now, honestly.

Dearest, here you are still, getting through a dreadful time. We are all here for you
You could try BBC World Service when sleep doesn't come easily, it can lull you. much love

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously, when it comes I’m going to burn it. He didn’t forward his mail when he was gone the last time. Another reason why I felt what he was doing was temporary.

He may now have had his post redirected. Last week I opened a letter from the Council confirming he was back on the electoral roll here. Another reason why I cant understand his stupid fucking mind works.

Every day you get through is a day closer to feeling a bit better. 💐

He hasn’t been in touch with the DC today.

I looked at his WA earlier and he had been online earlier. I wonder if it was to check from messages from them - I can imagine the pity party he’ll be throwing “I tried to build a bridge and they’re all ignoring me”

Has he been in touch with the older ones yet?