Can someone just hold my hand? Just for a bit

[MoreLegsThanMe]

My husband of 36 years has left. I don’t know how to get through tonight. Can someone just hold my hand, please?

Exactly this. One Minute at a time. And let the children look after you. And do think what you'd tell a really good friend or even one of us on here if you were advising. It may help you think differently about today for a little while

Frankly if you can iron at a time like this you are superwoman! Well done.

Also, next time he says we can be friends. Laugh... or stony face... He hasn't shown you enough respect to be friends.

I haven’t read the whole thread but I just wanted to say I’m so sorry OP

Hello OP

I wanted to hold your hand.

I've worn all the shoes in your cupboard.

When I was early twenties, my dad left for a woman my age. Well, exactly a year older than me and a year younger than my sister. After 27 years with mum.

My mum fell apart. We looked after her. We neither begrudge looking after her and we are very close as a result. Please stop worrying about your children. Please tell them you're really hurting but you know there is still so much love in your family you will get through it.

My ex husband walked out for another woman completely out the blue. We had been together 18 years. My DC were much younger but are similar ages to yours now. Ex continued to put them through the mill and they haven't seen him for over 3 years now.

Everyone is right. You will heal and you will be better. Don't rush it because you can't. You are doing exactly what you should be. Minute by minute and day by day.

Your younger DC are also really angry with their dad. The not talking and not saying 'dad' are their coping mechanisms. Just tell them you understand their choices and that talking time is always available.

If you don't tell them your FEELINGS they will mimic and bottle theirs up. Find somewhere in the middle with them. Tell them how sad you are - tell them a light version of your feelings. Let them know they can share their feelings with you.

Keep posting. Keep in touch with your GP. Book some counselling.

I’ll come back properly when it’s my “bad time” later tonight.

But is it right I’m still literally going minute by minute? Surely by now I should be coping even a little bit better.

It was this time last week and it feels like a hundred years

I’ve never been depressed before so I don’t even know if that’s what this will turn into. It’s just that I feel literally destroyed. Like I can’t be put back together.

It even sounds ridiculous typing this

Minute by minute is fine at this stage.

I felt like you @MoreLegsThanMe

It’s shock, and grief, and awful. It will get better bit by bit. You’re doing really well.

I’d ring the doctor tomorrow and ask about beta blockers and diazepam. I found some respite, albeit drug induced, was very helpful.

You are not even a week in. It took me weeks if not months to get past the minute by minute situation. But I did and by the end of a year it was month by month. By 5 years I was having a great time. I had learned 4 new skills - crochet, rock climbing, running and (a small amount of) sailing. I had sailed through the Corinthian Canal and run a 10k obstacle race. I was really living my life and quite enjoying being able to come in from all my fun social activities (mainly outdoors with my dog) and curl up on the sofa with a book and a cuppa and a dog's head on my lap.

Minute by minute is fine, it will get you there.

It has been a week. I realise that it feels like a lifetime already, but you have already done a whole week.

The fact you're going through the worst time of your life, and yet you say that your feelings are ridiculous break my heart.

What you feel is completely valid. You are allowed to be devastated and feel like you can't go on. You're going through something traumatic. Please reach out to an organisation or your gp for further help, you don't deserve to feel like this.

You are not ridiculous, you are a loving woman who has had her life torn apart.

Things will get better, they always do.

My motto used to be "you can always kill yourself tomorrow" and it was truly my life for 10+ years.

My new motto? I don't have one. I just know I'd rather wade through the shit to get to the good than stay in the shit. It smells here.

It DOES get better

Minute by minute is perfectly fine, ots whatever works for you to get you through this. But look at you now from when you first posted, you've done a week, thats 7 whole days and none of them you thought you would manage.
You're stronger than you realise or give yourself credit for.
Sending you some really big hugs, you absolutely can do this xx

I've been there op you don't think it will get better and people tell you but before you know it, without realising it does. I would imagine its harder because of the lockdown but I would advise senting you're self a list of goals you want to achieve next year. Could be start a new hobby, a new job something to aim for and work toward, a focus.

It’s been a week - that’s a drop in your 36 year long ocean . You’ve had a dreadful shock without warning , you’re running on empty . No one gets over that in a week , or a month even . No one. If you have to , cut it into smaller chunks . Get through the next ten minutes , or even the next five to start with . And soon those chunks get bigger , and then one day you won’t need them at all . Don’t worry about how you think you’re doing and whether you should be doing better - everyone’s different . Do what works to get you through the day .

I’m back. Like clockwork. It gets late and here I go again. The stupid stupid things like turning out the light on his side of the bed. Knowing tomorrow is the sixth week after his surgery and the letter should come soon with his appointment to go in to learn how to use it. The surgery we waited years for. I stood by him all that time. He said over and over how he’d done it for us and that we’d get back to how we were. He said it so many times. And I believed every word of it. I wanted us to be how we were, so desperately. And now it’ll be with her.

Who in their right mind would look at me now, let alone want to have sex with me.

I want it all to go wrong for them and they’ll split up and he’ll have nothing. No wife no children no father no brother and sister. I really really want him to hurt.

But he isn’t is he

Why can’t I just die? I don’t mean I’m going to kill myself I mean why can’t I just literally stop, just cease to be. I don’t understand how anything can hurt this bad without just dying of it

I’m so sorry for this incessant snivelling really I am. I keep telling myself to stop it but it’s just like a dam breaks every fucking night.

He’d fall apart laughing if he saw this.

Ah, OP, there you are! Have a big hug from me tonight. You’ve made it through another day, well done, and you’ll make it through tonight and tomorrow too. Because underneath the terrible pain you are suffering, you have that life force that won’t let you go. Relax, don’t beat yourself up or judge yourself. Let the clamour in your head wear itself out and wait for the peace to come. Sleep well OP x

So sorry you are going through this, the nights and mornings are the worst.

Just know you will get through this, hurts like hell but you'll be stronger and look back and be glad he's gone.

You have a whole new exciting future ahead of you. It's terrifying I know but exciting too! You deserve so much better than a man who treated you so appallingly!

A day at a time and it gets easier - I'm nearly 8 months down the line and still have wobbles but I'm getting there. Nights are easier.

You and your kids deserve better

I’m so scared. He hasn’t contacted the DC again today. How can I look after them when I’m so fucking weak and stupid that I lie and cry like this. I just don’t want them to hear me

Shut the door and let it out tonight, cry in the shower or the car if you can get out alone.

You are doing amazing! Even when the pain is unbearable you're first thought is your kids. You are a great mum

I’ve pulled myself together for now. I’ll go downstairs for a hot water bottle and a cup of tea.

My DC have never in their lives seen me cry. If they did now it would scare them shitless so I can’t.

Gosh OP you have been so badly let down by TH (twat) it’s indescribable like he thinks he’s iron man now or something. It will come crashing down on him, maybe in a few years or perhaps sooner in a few months. Meanwhile it’s not your fault & you couldn’t see it coming. You must look after yourself & DCs as heartbreaking as it is. He’s totally pulled the rug from under you but you will move on, it’s not fair but you have to. Don’t take him back when he realises what he’s done, you have to move on without him. I feel for you but you will find comfort one day

OP this is the VERY WORST part...it feels like you can't deal with it but you will!!

He's an ARSEHOLE and in time you'll hopefully realise that.

Then the magic happens...in incredible and myriad ways. Believe me, it does. I'm still married, but I know so many who have gone through this and eventually found happiness

I've been through this and like you just said I couldn't understand how I kept waking up every morning. I would wake and remember and my stomach would roll over. At this stage it's not depression but grief. And I'm so sorry but there are no short cuts. But you will survive and if you let yourself you will be happy again one day. It's really hard to trust again and you will need to carry on being brave. I'm not a strong person but I made it and after 16 yrs I finally married my 'new' partner this summer. I still remember the pain but when I see my ex I wonder why I ever loved him. You need time to grieve and then start to heal.