Can someone just hold my hand? Just for a bit

[MoreLegsThanMe]

My husband of 36 years has left. I don’t know how to get through tonight. Can someone just hold my hand, please?

Oh absolutely if the DC wanted to see them I would never feel they’d let me down nor would I dream of saying they couldn’t/shouldn’t. I haven’t said anything derogatory about him to them, much as I’d like to. I think it’s yet another example of me being the adult here and him being the man child, too afraid to contact his own DC because he’s scared of what their response may be.

And yet it’s times like these nights when I don’t want to be the adult one. I want to be wrapped up and told it will be alright, no doubt like she’s doing to him.

It just feels like why do everything right, why stand by someone, why give yourself over completely since 1983 if this is what you get at the end? Just what was the point? I get to spend the rest of my life alone. The DC will be off to university, first DD4 next year, then DS in 2024. Then that’s it. The DC will visit when they can, of course they will, but other than that there’s nothing is there.

I don’t mean to sound self-indulgent or maudlin, it’s just matter-of-fact

Sorry everyone for this constant constant whining - I’m supposed to be the “strong woman” he called me. Maybe she’s a delicate flower

OP I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but I've read enough of your posts to realise you unfortunately married a complete arsehole.

On the other hand you've fortunately created some lovely children who are siding with you.

Years ago my (very posh) mum said to me "for every dick there are five nice guys" and for the past 20 years she's been right (happily married with two DCs now).

You deserve and will get better. Welcome to the next part of your life. I'm thinking of you!

And when I wake up in the morning it’ll be fine for a split second then it all comes back. It replays itself every morning. Never stops. I remember his words, his packing, leaving his keys, taking stuff to his car bit by it - no heavy lifting after his op - then waiting for him to come back inside to explain the DC. Only he didn’t, he packed his car, phoned that disgusting woman and just fucked off. I had to tell them. Me.

And all these memories hit me over and over . And over. And I can hear every word he said. Will they ever go away?

It's hard but don't think so far ahead. Think little plans, get through weekend, lockdown, home schooling etc , Then get ducks in line with money and separation and maybe in summer you can start to think ahead. He's let you down and broken what you thought things would be. But you will find your new path. 2024 is really ages off so you have plenty of time with kids at home. Non of your time has been wasted because you have them . You honestly sound lovely. It will take rebuilding but you can do it. It's a shitty time because of covid, but come summer you can maybe think about pursuing some things just for you that involve other people . Work, or volunteering, going to visit old friends, maybe a walking club or whatever you are into. I adore my community choir, lots of fun and loads of people go on their own. Also sounds lame but I'm in a (fun) WI, met friends for life there. All sounds lame when I write it down but whatever floats your boat. It will be scary at first but it will help.

Just seen your post, this is your way of processing the trauma, going over and over it. It will pass x

Seek out any sort of pleasure OP. I am assuming you had pleasure in your life before your husband and marriage, therefore you will be able to find it again. Use anything as distraction, anything that can take your mind away from this challenging time. You can do this op, we will be here for you.

Hi op, how are you, still not in bed.

I understand the going over and over in your mind of the hurt and how could they do that.
When I faced that in the immediate present, I used to imagine fake scenerios ie; I used to pretend he'd died it actually helped, or I'd imagine he was sat in another room and I'd be going about doing the normal stuff like watching tv etc.
I even imagined he was at the side of me whist asleep, just to get through the moment. You can trick your brain to avoid the immediate pain.
Does that sound rediculous? We can all go over and over about how much of a cunt he has been, but you know that.
Coping mechanisms are what you need now, remember times before you met, did you have previous boyfriends? remember those times and some of the things you enjoyed about the time with them.
Remember your youth when you were a teenager living at home before any men were in your life, remember that feeling of being content being on your own with just the warmth of parents.
Distractions will get you through this, you obviously are the type to analyse things, a deep thinnking person, a carer.
Use that intellegence to trick your brain.
You are imagining this wonderful life with her, it's not like that, he's not gonna be happy with her.
I don't know how things were previous to him dissapearing 6 months ago, only you know that and his behaviour in actively finding someone else.
Did you question his 6 month's space? did you accuse him of seeing someone else. Did you ask him back?
36 years is a long time to spend with someone, you must know him inside out.
Your relectance to completely cut ties and divorce, sort maintenance, shows maybe you think he is not completely sure about his future and there is more to this than meets the eye.
Why do you think all of this has happened other than him thinking with his new dick.
xx

Sorry for the questions, you don't need to answer

He's an absolute twat MoreLegs and so is she, they won't have a happy ever after because they're both selfish and duplicitous, they're both going to lose their families over this.

You will get stronger, our area (co Durham) has a really good mh crisis team if you feel at the end of your tether, my daughter used it last year when she went through a traumatic break up and they were fantastic.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, get as mush fresh air as you can, breathe deeply. Remember what an amazing mum you are to your kids, take support from your older kids as you need it. You will get through this

Don’t let him walk all over you, and avoid paying maintenance. He needs to pay maintenance, plus go halves with their expenses.

You could see a solicitor to help sort out what you are entitled to.

Hope you managed to sleep OP. X

I agree about not letting him walk all over you re maintenance, often payable till the child is 21, so well worth doing in your case.

Remember that he has had more than six months to plan for this financial situation, where you have had only days, so you are at a real disadvantage until you take some action.

While it might seem nice and adult to come to a mutual arrangement, bear in mind that he is no longer your friend, he and his new woman will want to keep as much as possible of his assets.

This is why the CMS will work best, your children will be dealt with fairly and it will send him a message that you can't be trampled over.
If possible, opt for direct transfer from his salary, it costs a small percentage, but it's worth it for the message that it sends him; that you are taking back some control.

Try if you can to think of it like a bereavement. That sick feeling is that feels like a knife in your stomach when you wake up won’t be forever. Bereavement never goes, but somehow you manage to get to a day to day routine where you can cope.

The difference is that, with bereavement, you’ll never get to the stage of thinking that you’re better off without the person you lost. Whereas you’ve got rid of an utter cuntweasel who doesn’t deserve you.

It will take time, but you have to stop beating yourself up for being at the stage you’re at. Be kind to yourself

@MoreLegsThanMe

Sorry I’m not clear if you’re talking to people in real life. I understand you’re not talking to your children as you want to protect them.

If you feel there’s no one who you can discuss the details with then consider calling Samaritans - they will listen to you for as long as you need it.

It’s nearly a week to the time this was happening - packing, telling me I’m strong, telling me he thought he loved her and this was a risk worth taking.

Relationships break down.

We could be friends.

What do I do

Hi op,

what do you want to do?

do you need to talk? Did you manage any sleep last night.?

Nothing. There is nothing you can do. Keep taking one day at a time, it will get easier. Contact child maintenance services, start on the practical stuff. Keep busy, take some time for yourself, have baths, do your hair, paint your nails, read your favourite book, watch your favourite film. anything to distract you for a little. Slow and steady wins the race OP. He’s sped on ahead with his new life and he’s going to hit a speedbump real soon and get a shock xxx

No, it won't work, OP - and I think he will come crawling back, begging you for another chance. Don't have him back!

How are you doing today?

Yes keep busy do anything.
I’ll come back later x

Thank you

OP, I have been reading your thread and haven't commented as you've been given so much brilliant advice and support but I wanted to share a quote with you that really helped me when I was in a very similar situation.

It's from a Caitlin Moran talk in 2016 (which is when my XH left) and I still sometimes refer to it even now on difficult days.

In the weeks after my ex left I used to literally pace the house a minute at a time. The minutes became hours and then days etc etc. But if getting through the day feels insurmountable, just get through the next minute.

You will survive this, you will come out the other side.

"You will never, in your life, ever have to deal with anything more than the next minute.... The minutes always come one at a time, inside hours that come one at a time, inside days that come one at a time....You will never, ever have to deal with more than the next 60 seconds.
Do the calm, right thing that needs to be done in that minute. The work, or the breathing, or the smile. You can do that, for just one minute. And if you can do a minute, you can do the next."

I'm so sorry OP I hear how miserable you are.

Please don't set yourself any high aspirations right now, you as doing great just getting through the days and the nights.

You have the wonderful gift of loving relationships with your lovely children.

My mum was around your age when my dad's affair was discovered. I was early 20s. She said things you're saying about feeling you've lost your past as well as you future.

20 years later I can tell you about my mum's future. She has a loving, close relationship with my children her GC. She followed an opportunity to get into a new interest (almost an enterprise) through which she met a number of solid, lifelong friends. Except not lifelong of course, she hadn't even met them when she split up. She actually positively chose not to find a new relationship but she could have done - even without looking any further some of her friends are single men and some of them even came for Christmases with us! She usually joins us on holidays and also has been on her own trips. I don't think she would have had a better time in the last 20 years if she had been with my dad.

You won't get there fast but I wanted to try to show a pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel.

You take a huge step away and thrive in your life

Many of us have been there and yes it is so hard

But day by day things get Breyer

Stopping for a cup of tea.

Then I’ll iron.

It’s literally a minute at a time. A minute 😢

Getting through minute by minute is enough.

When I had cancer and was terrified I was going to leave my two children motherless, the quote that helped me was: "When you are going through hell keep going."

It's true. It will get better even though it doesn't feel like it now. In the meantime just keep going. You can do this. You really can.

Hi Op,

What an awful situation, please open up to your children. It's ok to teach them that you can't always be ok.

Regarding his response to maintenance don't agree to what he says, it's making it easy for himself not you. Plus regular maintenance means less contact needed.

Start gathering information for your separation of not for yourself for your children and their future.

You keep focusing on them leaving but you don't know what future holds don't worry about the things you can't control x