Can someone just hold my hand? Just for a bit

[MoreLegsThanMe]

My husband of 36 years has left. I don’t know how to get through tonight. Can someone just hold my hand, please?

Pet, I hope you’re feeling a tiny bit better. Please get a petition sorted.

I reckon he will hugely regret this. The ow sounds batshit. He’s obviously thinking with his new dick.

Re sleeping tablets, antihistamine tablets work brilliantly. I have had serious sleep issues for some years following a very traumatic accident and currently use Kirkland SleepAid. Apparently Piriton or the non-branded version work equally well. All I would say is that I’ve been sleepwalking using them, possibly because I’ll have a couple of glasses of wine beforehand. 🍷🍷Take 30 minutes before you want to go to sleep.

You are stronger than you know. Pp has said to start divorce proceedings and sort maintenance quickly. Before ow drains any money he has. I think that is excellent advice.

@ThisTooShallBe

This is wonderful advice for the OP, and so well put. Just thinking of human evolution and the mind and body's power to heal itself, you have helped me with this too.
@MoreLegsThanMe OP, you have had your husband's best years, all this ow will have is his old age. We are due an early Spring, daylight will return, keep on going, the shock has hit like a sledgehammer, but as pps have mentioned this time next year you will be renewed.

@MoreLegsThanMe

At the risk of repeating myself, thank you all so very much. I have nobody in RL except my DC and just knowing you are all taking time out to post is lifting me up so much. I wonder if anyone is in the north-east too?

I’ve got through today, not sure how. My lovely DD1 sent flowers.

He messaged to thank me for some bill money I’d transferred and I told him we needed to talk about maintenance. His reply was that when DD4 and DS need stuff we’ll “go halves like we always have”. Then he turned his phone off. He hasn’t contacted any of them at all today.

Him and her won’t work will it - do you really think it won’t?

Nah. You need to go straight to cms as they don't backdate.

You need to go to CMS pronto! Don't let him shirk his financial responsibilities with the kids. He cant have his cake and eat it. Its time for you to p!ss on his bonfire and take money off him for the kids and that doesnt mean him just paying half when they need something! It includes you washing, cooking, cleaning, water, electricity, clothes etc God hes gonna get his eye wiped bless him. Stay strong...get angry...

CMS he’s not shown himself to behave with integrity at all so far and if it does go tits up with her you don’t want him sinking all of his maintenance into fast cars and wine bars whilst you financially bank roll the teenage years

I have just read your thread and am joining in with some support for you. I have been there too, although we had 'only' been together for 11 years. It was the mother of our godson that he left with after months of lying and gaslighting. The first few weeks were hell. Just like you I struggled to get any sleep and then when I did it was worse because I would wake up and it would hit me. Over time it got easier through and I started to find a new routine. Then I started to rediscover old hobbies that I had stopped having time for and found some new ones too and life became really good fun.

I know you have a legal background so apologies if I'm stating the obvious, but when you get your financial settlement sorted, please make sure it's written in that his child support covers the university years.

I think you need to start injecting some reality into his life - start making some waves and letting them both know that you aren't going to quietly disappear - that you are going to fight for your financial rights.
If you have been giving him any money, then stop. He's buggered off and left you carrying the can for everything the children will need. Put a stop to his easy life asap.

Also just a thought but if he's the second spender on your credit card, then get his name off it first thing tomorrow. You don't want financial liability for anything he buys now. If you are the second cardholder on his, then treat yourself to a new car carry on using it and letting him pay the bill

Sorry I should’ve been clearer - the only money I give him is my share of the house. He pays that whilst I pay other bills.

I wish I could make him feel what I feel. Another day has gone by and the DC haven’t heard from him. It’s like he’s waiting for them to make the first move. I keep asking why don’t I, but why is he doing that I just cannot get it into my thick head. It’s like he just doesn’t care about them and it just shatters me more, if that’s possible

My mum always taught me to keep my finances separate as she and my dad did and I just followed her example. No joint cards/accounts.

He’s going to lose his children, properly lose them, and he just doesn’t seem to get it. Should I contact him and tell him he needs to? But it’d be like talking to a naughty child, not a man nearing sixty.

Oh this is just all so fucked up

I think it’s cowardice that keeps him from contacting them OP, he knows he’ll get short shrift from them and is keeping his head down. He hopes all will be ok when they calm down and the dust settles. Maybe in time some or all of your DC will have a relationship of sorts with him, that’s for them to decide. I wouldn’t bother contacting him about it.

My youngest DD has kept with calling my XH by his first name to this day. They are civil and have a laugh. But she does not think of him as her father and refuses to grace him with that name. He gave away the right to her filial love. His choice.

Yes @ThisTooShallBe

My DS has said he will only refer to his father by his first name from now on, because “he’s not my dad anymore”.

I just want something to stop this hurting. That’s all

The house is quiet now and it’s very quiet outside because of where we live. It’s just silence.

And I just want to disappear somehow. To just not be here anymore so it can’t hurt me. It’s unrelenting.

You got this

You are almost over the worst of it

Tell us some positives?
Things you are looking forward to ?
Maybe a trip you may take somewhere?

You can survive without him, you really can. I know you don’t want to, but it is going to be ok

Time will stop the hurting OP, honestly. It’s unbelievably hard but you must hold on to the knowledge that, in time, the pain will ease and the good stuff will start creeping back in. You just have to hold on for now.

Seriously. World Service on low, so you have the sound of gentle voices and your conscious brain can latch on to something other than what your horribly jangled emotions are feeding into it.

@lifeofregret1111. Your post has strengthened my resolve to get rid of my husband. He did similar online with someone he used to know and more as well. And what you describe is my biggest fear . I would rather be on my own , than have the inevitable burden of him and his health issues. People say , because of my age , 59 , that I might regret not having him around , but he wouldn't be any help to me , I know.

OP , Like you, I wished I could go to sleep and not wake up to face another day. But no pathetic man should have the ability to make us feel like that. He is not worth it , you know it , but the shock and trauma is overwhelming you at the moment.
Honestly, I never thought I would be OK either. And I am not yet OK but I am no longer in that awful dark place that you are now. Hold tight.

When you ready , please put things in place to ensure that he does not get to walk away from his responsibilities.

Just read the part about the Maintenance the cheek of him! Luckily you will know what he roughly earns so do the online calculator and send it him and say this is what you are required unless you want to go through csa and they charge and extra fee on top (20% I think it is). The cheek of him, like your going to want to have to message him with your hands out begging for money anytime the kids NEED something. They NEED stuff everyday hot food, hot showers, clothes, etc. Just shows he thinks he calls the shots and can crack on with life as normal, no mate I want a set amount every month which means I have to have minimal contact with you. I hope your ok, still can’t get over it. Things couldn’t have been rosy if he left her and came back to you, what happens when it’s her kids birthdays, Easter, Halloween, Xmas again.. and she’s making plans for her kids who he doesn’t want to be around and he wants to run away again! But your door will be firmly nailed shut!xxx

Life will improve. This acute pain will lessen. We can't say when but it will.
unfortunately I've seen many people go through this agony. However Life always improves eventually. So use sleeping pills/piriton/nytol. Read books you enjoyed as a child/teen or listen to audio books. Gently breathe. Get some fresh air. Watch the new buds appearing and see the hope in new life appearing .

And ASAP with the csa thing as they don’t back date. Sorry I know your probably thinking I know all this and not stating the obvious but sometimes when your head is so frazzled it just helps to be reminded of little things, and he cannot bully you into not getting money out of him xxx

Sudoku on the phone was my friend too, the purity of numbers seemed to straighten out my brain.

we'll go halves like we always have

He's having a laugh isn't he? Does he really think that's how child maintenance works? If so, he's sadly deluded.
Get on to CMS website tomorrow and put in a claim.

Start to take back some control of your life, it absolutely will make you feel better. At the moment you are like a leaf tossed in the storm, but soon you will be like a strong tree withstanding the gale!

Well done, you got through today, really, you are doing well. You've got through a contact with him, well done. However a cosy here and there financial arrangement will not work. He has turned away from "how it has always been" and you need to know your income for the kids. He needs to realise this is a formal separation now, well you both do I suppose, sorry.
He will be stuck with her kids for sure, and he will hate that I'm sure, good.
I did want to say though he can do all this and be a bastard and still love his kids, doesn't mean he can stop them feeling betrayed that he made these choices, but he will still love them and it's ok if they do want to see him in time, they mustn't think this is letting you down. I know that will be hard but it is the best thing for the kids. I say this from experience, 30 years later I am grateful to my mum for this.
Keep going on, it will get better and less raw each day, thinking of you.

@ThisTooShallBe

Sudoku on the phone was my friend too, the purity of numbers seemed to straighten out my brain.

Snap with this,not sudoku but I find word games apps on my phone so great if I start feeling overwhelmed or heart thumping stressed,I just lock myself in the loo for 5 mins play a few quick word games to ease my mind,when I say it out loud it sounds absolutely mental,but I genuinely can start breathing normal when I spend a few mins on the word games app