Can someone just hold my hand? Just for a bit

[MoreLegsThanMe]

My husband of 36 years has left. I don’t know how to get through tonight. Can someone just hold my hand, please?

All I can see is more of this just stretching away into the future. It’s unbearable

What to say? He's a shit who has treated you abominably. Although it feels deeply personal, it's all about him, nothing you've done wrong. He's really shown who he is and it's deeply unappealing. Sounds as though he and OW deserve each other.

All I can see is more of this just stretching away into the future

It won't be like this forever, OP. It WILL get better - perhaps very slowly, but it will. Just look after yourself and take one day at a time.

And I’m here trying to keep myself breathing almost. The only good thing is that the DC seem okay. They’re totally their usual selves.

Do you think they are mirroring you? With the best intentions, you are trying to protect them from this horrible situation. They maybe feeling exactly the same as you, but are also trying to carry on as if nothing has changed, to protect you.

How were you last time @MoreLegsThanMe? After 6 months life must have moved on, also I imagine much easier in the warmer weather. Also has he ever done anything like this before?

If you don’t want to take ADs you need to start doing things now to help yourself. Snow is great, the cold is proven to help, get yourself out for a walk. Try mindfulness, if you’ve snow you’re probably a couple of hours further north than me, spring is starting to become a little more obvious here but will still be just peeping through there. go and look for signs of it. Take time out today to do something different, try and get the kids to go too you all need it.

my GP just said to ring in the next couple of weeks if I need do. I think the next step is some kind of anti depressant? I’ll have to take them won’t I.
I think it's worth considering given how you feel.

Also her children probably aren't annoying at all. They are probably just normal children but a lot younger than yours.
The fact that neither of them is prioritising them is disgusting. But then he can't do that with his own kids so why would he bother with someone else's?
Honestly once the real world creeps in their tryst won't seem nearly as exciting.

Op. You've done another day and night. You are moving forward. Keep talking, look after yourself and if possible with the snow try and get yourself out for a walk in the fresh air x

I woke up again.

Can your kids pitch in a bit with distracting you? If they are doing really well, use their strength as a crutch for a few days??

@Nobodysplusone I genuinely think they’re okay. Apart from hating their father.

@billybagpuss last time I think I felt differently. I think I felt like he would come back and I felt that pretty soon after he’d gone, I’ve no idea why. He’d visit to get his post and see the DC. Of course at the time I believed that he was alone and thinking about our relationship. All the time he was literally leading a double life wasn’t he. Me in one little compartment and her in another.

I mean why bother to come back at all and do this why didn’t he just stay away.

He said Christmas coming made him realise he should be here. All the planning with her kids in tow brought him to his senses and made him appreciate ours all the more and he wanted to be here with us.

I hope Christmas 2020 was worth it for him because it’s the last fucking time he’ll ever have seen them

@MoreLegsThanMe no shame in anti depressants. I got by on beta blockers and low dose diazepam for those moments of overwhelming anxiety, but I wasn’t depressed, just distraught

I echo the beta blockers, they helped tremendously with the panicked feeling.

OP, with each passing day and horrible night, you are getting closer to the point where his perfidy does not fill your head. Gradually, imperceptibly, your own life force will reassert itself. It is a truly amazing thing, how we as humans fight through terrible circumstances. You will get there.

I found it helped me to remove all trace from my surroundings- not a single image of him remains in my home or phone. I changed his name in my phone to something insulting that only I would understand he he. Although 5 years later we are on good terms, I’ve not reinstated anything. It’s a reminder of how I determinedly moved on.

From what you have described of the two of them, I don’t picture them blissful but shackled, with a dawning realisation that the unhealthy dynamic and guilt and isolation form a life sentence of their own choosing. Leave them to it.

Mine certainly does not seem blissful now.

I also erased traces and had a very rude name in phone! @ThisTooShallBe

As much as he left behind has already been binned. There are two photos left of him but one has in DS and the other DGS. As soon as I get replacements they can go in instead.

Can I ask what beta blockers are? Are they different to anti-depressants?

Thank you so much, all of you, for staying with me. I will come back later x

Yes. Beta blockers, like propranolol, you can just take as and when you need them and they calm the physical symptoms of anxiety and panic, like racing heart, which helps to calm you down.

The doctor prescribes them. Beta blockers are powerful things as they slow down your heart rate - not to be taken lightly or carelessly. But they’re not addictive (as far as I know) and after a while I gradually cut down then stopped. I still have some as my safety blanket, but I do still take one very rarely (usually only if I’m doing a big presentation, or my DB has been winding me up!).

I hope you have a good GP who understands and empathises. They can make a big difference.

@MoreLegsThanMe- antidepressants saved me after my mum died very suddenly.

You’re grieving, but it’s almost worse than a death because he’s betrayed you all so badly. Don’t feel that taking ADs is weak; it will give you strength.

@lifeofregret1111 what an unselfish and very sad post. I think the OP will be able to take some comfort from this post. I hope you have some good times in your life despite your circumstances.

OP don't try to be TOO strong in front of your children (or at least the older ones). Let them rally round you - you need people to take care of you at the moment as well. X

OP I have also been through similar, albeit a very long time ago. Someone who walked away from my children without a word to them, came back 6 months later, then went again within a week. [Was asked to leave by myself as I realised was only with me because other woman wasn't interested].

We go through hell, the insomnia, the heartache, the betrayal...thinking it will never end, we will never be happy again, life is over. But the shock dies down, we get through a day at a time, cry when there is no one there. It changes. Things happen, we move on without realising it.

All I know is my sons saw the pair of them in town rowing in public. Some months later I saw them too, arguing. Do not think the pair of them are happy and living a wonderful life. They aren't. Too much in your post screams out that their 'relationship' will be disastrous, unpleasant and will implode. Your H has lost children and grandchildren and you. You will never respect or trust him again.

Your life will change although you can't believe that now. Living without a partner is difficult but living as a single woman can be liberating, free and fulfilling. You will get there. Keep getting support on here. I only wish this forum had been around when I went through a terrible time.

I wish you all the best, strength and much respect. Your family sounds great, what a great job you have done. Your H has been cruel, stupid and selfish, and he has thrown his life away.

At the risk of repeating myself, thank you all so very much. I have nobody in RL except my DC and just knowing you are all taking time out to post is lifting me up so much. I wonder if anyone is in the north-east too?

I’ve got through today, not sure how. My lovely DD1 sent flowers.

He messaged to thank me for some bill money I’d transferred and I told him we needed to talk about maintenance. His reply was that when DD4 and DS need stuff we’ll “go halves like we always have”. Then he turned his phone off. He hasn’t contacted any of them at all today.

Him and her won’t work will it - do you really think it won’t?

It really won’t work and you absolutely know it, and if he thinks cms will agree with that approach he’s deluded

Don't be upsetting yourself wondering whether they will work or not,that's irrelevant because if it doesn't he need only go back online to find another.like pp said earlier in her very honest and heartbreaking post,realise that your life can and will get better and that a life with him would be one you would regret.my heart goes out to you I've been through the same thing myself with a toxic manipulative husband who thought the grass was greener,I'm 35 with 2 small children and I'm 3 years left him now,it's been a long and very hard journey but I can finally see light and I can see how good our lives will be without him.Lean on your oldest daughter,she can handle it and she will appreciate your trust.Be kind to yourself,let yourself cry and fall apart,sometimes we all need a good cry