Can someone just hold my hand? Just for a bit

[MoreLegsThanMe]

My husband of 36 years has left. I don’t know how to get through tonight. Can someone just hold my hand, please?

I had this years ago

We had a 5 month baby together (I had 4 others to my ex)

He went out drinking with my best mate-they came into my home,told my children I didn’t love them and beat me up in front of them

They walked out hand in hand and spent weeks texting me about what they’d got up to in bed-it must have been going on for at least 4/5 months behind my back

The pain was like nothing I’d ever felt before-I lost the two people I thought I could trust with my life,and my babies

The thought of them having sex,holding hands,just being together etc was pure torture

Fast forward 13 years,I have my amazing adult children and an amazing partner

I own my own home,I have a good job and I live the life I want to

They have both tried to come snivelling back into my life-he wanted somewhere to live and a cheap shag

She wanted to see where I’d gone with my life-both are unemployed (he claims benefits and does cash in hand,so that he didn’t have to pay csa-she just leeches off her new boyfriend)

I took massive pleasure in blocking the pair of them-my life went up-slowly and surely-each day felt like hell but slowly it got better

Theirs went downhill fast-it was like they where in a race to the bottom-it won’t be a surprise to hear it lasted another 6/7 months when they where utterly sick of each other and once the thrill had gone they had nothing left

I promise that one day you’ll look back and see him for the loser he is-well the pair of them are-and you’ll be happy with your life

And even happier to know that they are not happy with theirs-in fact,you won’t even care

Take it one breath at a time-slowly you’ll take it two breaths-then three

Then an hour-then a day etc

Lean on your kids-you will come through this-sending hugs

Im so sorry to read your stories and know there are other people like him.

When he came back for those few days everything was so natural and normal it really was. He promised things and said he had cut all contact with her and he hated her for what she had done: the messages to our DC and to me. Then she turns up at the house declaring love for him and saying he’ll never be faithful to her. He said he’d sent her away. He then said there was no contact at all between them. He wanted us to get back to how it was “37 years was too much to throw away”. He looked forward to receiving notice of his hospital appointment so he could be cleared for sex.

Then the next Sunday he’s gone again. Just put his stuff in the car and sped off. Didn’t even say goodbye to his own children.

The evil cruel heartless bastard

Oh @Rainbowandscarlett. I’m so sorry.

But that you have a wonderful life now is so fantastic for you.

I’m too old now to meet anyone. It’s unbearable to think that this is my life now until it ends, but it is.

I don't think youv'e seen the last of him to be honest, what you decide when that happens is up to you.

Try to rest, put some telly on and see if your mind can be distracted for a while.
What do you normally like to watch ?

This will get easier and you have so many people on here taking care of you.
And you're definitely not too old, this time next year you'll be on here all bold and wise telling everyone how good things are.
You'll get there, have faith in yourself because we all do!

@Onthedunes I hope I haven’t. I really want to see him again so I can just hit him.

I generally end up with whatever crap DD3 has on the telly to be truthful. I can’t remember the last time I actually sat and watched something rather than pottering about doing other stuff and just catching bits here and there.

I’ve taken two of the pills the doctor gave me. He only gave enough for a week - whether thats what usually happens or he thought I’d take them all at once I don’t know.

I literally just do not know what to do anymore. All I can see ahead of me is a big lot of nothingness.

Just read this thread and couldn’t read and run. You sound thoroughly lovely and he sounds like a pitiful fool. I laughed at your comment that you’d like to see him again to hit him. I do not blame you one bit - we’d all cheer. Sending love and strength for the journey. You absolutely will find a way forward but the pain you are feeling is unreal - I’m so sorry.

You are not too old to meet anyone at all, you have plenty of life ahead of you. I doubt he’s treated you well for a very long time, eventually you will feel the relief of that and will be able to just enjoy rediscovering you for a bit.

And don’t think the kids don’t see how much you’re trying to hide from them.

Try sleeping with the radio on. It's probably the silence that's triggering the panic. Don't feel like crying is a failure, it's good for you, and a perfectly natural coping mechanism.

Hope you have a better day OP. Things really will improve with time. And this will almost certainly end badly for him. Even if it last 8-10 years (I'd be surprised if it lasted 8-10 months) he'll then be 70, tired, and be in need of care in some way. She'll be 47 & resentful. Don't worry, he'll get his comeuppance. Their age/generational difference will be an issue and her parental situation will cause strife.

You are bearing the DC's load too. Try not to. I'm sure it will make them more resilient and better partners in life. He's a cliche.

Thank you x

I woke up this morning and as usual it took that split second to hit me. Why does it give me that split second then remind me? I know it’s going to happen every morning and yet I hate it when it does

Morning, thinking about you. I would say try to imagine you were your own best friend. What would you say? I would say to that friend that you will have a future but you don't know yet what that will look like. You need to heal and grieve first. You are not too old at all. You need to focus on nurturing yourself and your kids, go for walks, get healthy one day at a time see what comes into your life. You know you wouldn't make the choices he did as you have way more integrity , honesty and dignity and love for your kids, all those things are attractive to the type of people you would want in your life.

Please have a warm hug from me OP 💐

I echo others, you’re never to old to have a fantastic life! You just have to get through this awful, awful time.

Two practical tips: BBC World Service on very low all night; new bedding and bedside lights.

And please, your DC - even your youngest lad - are not small children. They can see your pain so be open with them, let them help you and love you, you don’t need to hold them together.

The split second thing is where the 'bobulates' in your brain haven't kicked in. They are what put you in time and space mentally, hence feeling discombobulated when things go wrong. It's a cruel thing, those few seconds of bliss....but based in boring human biology.

@dizzycatdance2

Oh *@morelegsthanme* it's so hard.

Hi "putting the ball back" with the dcs is just soooooo easy isn't it.

"I'm.not a shit dad, they can come to me anytime they want" FFS

My exh ",I'm always here for you dcs" e.g. I can do nothing and that's ok.

Thing is ,LOVE is an action , LOVE is effort ,

You are grieving atm, plain and simple, would you expect a widow of 3 days to be "ok ??

Except this is ,imho, worse than grief ,

In all honesty , if my exh had died the kids would have had an easier time of it.

A dad who can't see you is one thing, one who choose not to well, there aren't words for the damage that does.

@dizzycatdance2 The first 5 sentences in your post resonate so clearly with me and my 'D'F! I didn't know there was a script for shit Dads. OP you are doing this - you're getting through each day. It will get better just give yourself time.

It's like he's saying "of course I love you kids, but I'm going to sit back and only provide it when you directly and pointedly ask for it."
That's not unconditional love, that's passively waiting to be given easy opportunities to show it

Thank you so much - I’ll read properly and update later. Just trying to find something, anything, to fill today.

I've been reading your posts over the past few days and haven't posted due to you receiving lots of support already. However , your post at being too old to meet anyone - you are never too old. You hear of couples meeting in care homes and falling in love. Never say never .
However I will say you definitely don't need to think about things like that now.
You have been with him for many years , and I believe that to a degree , you sort of merge into a way of living / being that allows you to get along as best you can.
Once you split from someone and the dust settles , you become the person you really are. Your opinions are your own , you don't have to regulate your thoughts or plans to fit in with someone else. In other words you become the real you.
At the moment your life has been thrown up into space , on the way down you've broken into a thousand pieces , but once you come back down, and the pieces slowly come together, you become fixed .
It does not happen over night , and at times it is painful , but it will happen.

I don't know if it will help you but my ILs got divorced in their late 50s and my mil went on to have 2 long term relationships. The first didn't work out but she was with her second partner for the rest of her life.

Please don't be thinking your h and her are living the dream. Each of them has got exactly what they deserve - each other!
Nasty people do not make good partners, not even to each other.
The years weren't wasted - you have your lovely children. He, OTOH, has ruined that forever.

@MoreLegsThanMe you're doing well. You are getting through each day bit by bit.
Hopefully the tablets will help. I do think you need to contact your doctor before they finish and see if there's a plan for you with them going forward. Is there any opportunity for you to go for a walk with one of your older daughters? Sorry i can't remember how close you live to them. As far as the younger two you don't have to play happy the whole time. They will know it's tough and it's ok to say 'I'm finding this hard too' they obviously don't need to know the ins and outs but it's ok for them to see you and not the happy face all the time xx

Hey just checking in op

when introducing a new drug my GP likes to trial it for a short time and check in to make sure I'm not having any side effects. Have you got another appointment to check back in?

You're doing ok. Don't beat yourself up.

Have you been outside much today? Don't know where you are. But it's sunny for once here. Sunshine always helps me.

And take some time out to do something just for you. Sitting down and actually enjoying a cup of tea is a real treat for me as it just rarely happens (looking at you, home schooling). Paint your nails, face mask. Anything. Just focus on being kind to yourself.

I know it's hard to stop the racing thoughts. Have you tried Cbt? Focusing on the senses of the here and now to bring you back. (There are probably loads of websites that describe it better than me...)

I guess what I'm trying to say is take some of the power back from him so he's not occupying your thoughts and feelings 24/7. I know it's hard. I don't mean to sound patronising.

Sending hugs,I hope today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today x

I really don’t think I’m doing well.

@JustNotFunAnymore my older daughters live many miles away. We have so much snow here right now that we couldn’t get out and about anyway.

my GP just said to ring in the next couple of weeks if I need do. I think the next step is some kind of anti depressant? I’ll have to take them won’t I.

I thought he maybe would’ve contacted the DC again today but no. I just have this vision of the pair of them just wrapped up in their own little world. I mean she’s even keeping her own DC away because they’re annoying. It’s literally just them.

And I’m here trying to keep myself breathing almost. The only good thing is that the DC seem okay. They’re totally their usual selves.

I thought he loved them

I mean he stayed with her for six whole months then packed up everything and came here, then did it again. How can you even do that?