Can someone just hold my hand? Just for a bit

[MoreLegsThanMe]

My husband of 36 years has left. I don’t know how to get through tonight. Can someone just hold my hand, please?

Another handhold here, I can feel the pain in your posts

Was left for a younger version many moons ago and I still remember how it stings and that horrendous knot in the stomach. I promise you it gets better, little by little, day by day.
Hang in there, with your wonderful DCs standing beside you, YOU ARE THE PRIZE HE WASN'T WORTHY OF.

So sorry he’s done this. What a shit he is😡 I’m so glad you have your children to help you through this.

She’s a silly woman who thinks she’s won, but he seems like no prize. He’ll continue to get older and she’ll get very bored very quickly. They won’t last but that doesn’t matter, when he does realise what he’s given up I sincerely hope you’ve moved on enough to laugh at any proposal he gives. I wonder if she’ll be so interested when he has to give you half of everything?

I’m glad I got it out about the ED. We of course hadn’t told the DC because it was just too private.

But she did when she messaged them.

I wish I’d just realised the last time we had sex that it would be the last time ever. Living the rest of my life without that just adds another layer to this complete hell I’m in

Of all the messages she sent why would she tell our DC that? Why? Can anyone explain if there’s a reason I’m missing? I’m trying to look at it unemotionally but I just can’t understand

What’s more bizarre is why he couldn’t see how weird it is to message that to them, it’s also betraying a confidence. But his bed, this relationship will not work, do not take him back.

So your daughters were told of your ex's troubles with ED and subsequent operation by the OW? That is something else.

She sounds like real scum of the earth and I can’t wait for him to find out just how bad she is. OP you will look so classy and elegant next to this woman. Im early 30s and I do not know any women around my age my friends/cousins/sisters that would for one be interested in a man 23 years older who is married and settled, but also who would cause this much trouble, leak really intimate details to HIS CHILDREN and ditch her kids. She sounds like she has real issues, this flame they have is going to burn out thick and fast and then he will have just you and his 5 kids, you will get to a stage where you just pity him. Your doing amazing. Please don’t be hard on yourself, it’s literally been days your doing great xxx

He told me today that the DC had read his messages and he transferred bills money to my account (I followed my parents’ example and maintained sole accounts since we were married).

I don’t understand how I can kind of get through the days but when this time rolls around I just collapse spectacularly.

Yes she told them that. I can’t believe she’d betray such a private confidence like that. I can’t believe such a lot of what they did.

And I can’t believe it’s only been four nights I’ve got through. It feels like a hundred years

What I did, as recommended on here, was to revamp my bedroom with new bed linen and stuff that I liked. Just cheapie stuff but it did make me feel a bit better and was something to focus on.

Nights are the worst at times like this, but I'd tell myself it's ok to feel like this at night, as you know you'll feel better than this in the morning. It will get easier

I am so sorry op, nights are the worst for any kind of trauma because there are no distractions, you are alone with yourself and it is shit. Hopefully the sleeping tablets and anti-depressants will start to help soon.

Just to add two things which jumped out at me:

1. She is only 37, her kids will be young and she has left them to live with a married man and only has contact with them at her ex's place. Asides from the shit woman she is for doing that, how long will it be before she wants her kids with her and your ex suddenly has all the domestic drudgery with kids he doesn't know/care for, while his own have abandoned him?

2. He offered to drop his car over for dd to use- what a pointless offer! Was he planning to get a taxi back home or just hang out at yours in the kitchen drinking tea until she came back. It was a hollow, empty offer because he is hollow and empty now he has lost everything good in his life.

3. She was only in it for the win, now she has him, the reality of a partner 20+ years older than her will start to feel less of a winner's prize and more a bag of lemons. And while the ED op would have been brilliant between you and him, she may be less enamoured with the reality.

Keep going, just take it hour by hour, you are surviving and not sinking, I know it is taking every ounce of energy you have but you can make it.

Thank you.

I re-read the thread and if anything I feel worse than in the beginning. You lovely women telling me it won’t last and he’ll end up with nothing. I kind of think I know that. I just honestly can’t see it lasting. At his time of life the age difference is too much isn’t it.

I’m keeping going through the days, checking in on the DC while they’re doing schoolwork, and doing ridiculous amounts of cleaning I probably don’t even need to do. I just can’t bear to stop because when I stop I think. I laugh and joke with them all so they know life is as normal and mum’s okay but I’m not, I’m really not.

I won’t hurt myself, but can I die from feeling this way? Seriously? How much can you take before you just die?

It’s so terrible to say that but it’s how I feel.

Hi op, hope you managed a little more sleep last night with the tablets.

This ow obviously feels threatened by you to go to such extremes, public displays of rediculousness, betraying secrets of your husband.

It sounds as though there are two strong women battling for him and he's put himself as the innocent victim in between you.

Do not fight for him, soon enough she will get bored that there is no fight and no prize to be won.
Keep your dignified stance, things are going to unravel quite quickly, she wants a fight for some reason.

I don't even think this about him she just wants to win, completely deranged in my opinion.

@ThatIsNotMyUsername

I used to be a therapist - one thing I would advise is to ‘prescribe’ a single period a day of complete and utter worry/wallow - 15 mins to work it out of the system (people get fed up quickly and try to avoid it after a short time). Also try to get outside - it sounds daft but stand outside, arms by your side, slightly out and point your face at the sun/sky - close your eyes and feel the air on your face (this is actually quite refreshing and nice - quite relaxing too).

A hair band (less obvious than an elastic band) on the wrist to ‘snap’ can also work as a short sharp pain immediately distracts you from a psychological ‘pain’. Yes, therapists are told they can slap someone having a panic attack (never done it myself).

As a therapist working in the nhs for 12 years now I can categorically say we are absolutely not allowed to slap a client who is having a panic attack, where the fuck did you get that idea from?! Have you never heard of breathing techniques? Fucking bonkers.

OP, they won't have a happy future together, you know they won't. He'll end up a sad old man. And you will blossom.

I'd start divorce proceedings asap before she starts spending all his money.

I’m so sorry to bang on and on about this but his DC. How could he do this to them? Then to send messages saying he’d never stop caring about them.

They hate him.

And he doesn’t give a fuck does he

If there are birthday cards they want them sent back unopened. They came to me and said that, I didn’t put the idea in their heads. DD4 and DS don’t want him to know their GCSE and A level results or which university they go to.

All because he was “bored” one night and went on that fucking affair site

I need this to go away. I can’t keep waking up to this every morning. For a second it’s okay and then I remember.

He might be enjoying the high drama of all this and his operation might make him feel like he is a stud . Ha !
But the melodramatics and the being disgusting towards his kids, will soon not be so much fun anymore.

I understand how you this does not help you with the way you are feeling.My loser has nobody else on the scene but the knowledge of his affair has destroyed everything.It is irrevocably broken. Never be able to have him back , knowing what he has done. And while you might think you do , ask yourself if you could live daily again as if it never happened.

Like mine , he has tarnished your memories as a family , is make your present life almost unbearable and has destroyed your vision of your future.

Damn these selfish , self absorbed , pathetic losers to hell.

This is a shit situation OP and I have only just caught up. From your children’s point of view I expect they are sickened on your behalf and are supporting their mum. I think your main concern needs to be yourself and something to distract you and take up your attention. Only you know what your interests are but whatever they are- throw yourself in for now.

He doesn't think he is doing anything to them.

He is totally self absorbed at the moment, he can only relate to what he feels at the moment by the sounds of it, bit out of sight out of mind.

My partner was able to completely cut off his feelings for his children, total lack of empathy, just tunnel vision on his behalf, narcisistic tendancies.
Extended family was horrified how he behaved, he had no shame.

I knew this period of madness would end and it did, but it ruined every thing.

He just wants to be loved now and nobody is there anymore.
Very sad really.

Op, a similar thing happened to me 11yrs ago, I was 44, two kids 15 (just about to do his gcse exams & 19 at that time)

After he left, The unknowing, hurt along with financial concerns saw me drinking more than I should have done, he left in May and asked to come back in September of that year. I said NO you are not coming back, my kids were and still are my rocks at that time - I would never have put them through the heartache again of seeing me on my knees.

Like your dh he told them he loved them blah, blah, blah.

Moving forward to now neither of my kids have any contact with their father. Trust me, your kids will see the hurt he is causing you and make their own decisions about him. I honestly believe karma will bite his arse - give it time.

For now my lovely, you take life a day at a time 💐

@MoreLegsThanMe it will go away, it will just take time. But gradually it goes. It’s important that you give yourself a much time as you need, while believing all of us who say that it will be ok for you in the end.

I still don’t know how my ex could have destroyed his relationship with our sons, but he did. There’s no point in searching for a reason, there isn’t one, or not one that makes any sense. Don’t waste your energy trying to make sense of it, you need it to look after yourself.

@JudyGemstone

Yes that post is rather bizzare, I think if a therapist did this to me, bought and paid for, I'd go home and commit Hari Kari.