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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Can someone just hold my hand? Just for a bit

968 replies

MoreLegsThanMe · 11/01/2021 01:58

My husband of 36 years has left. I don’t know how to get through tonight. Can someone just hold my hand, please?

OP posts:
PerveenMistry · 14/01/2021 00:31

@MoreLegsThanMe

I’ll miss having a partner so desperately I do know that. It’s such a long time to be with someone and then - gone. The youngest won’t be here much longer. DS will be off to uni in 2024 and then it’ll just be me. That scares me really it does
Not discounting what you are going through at the moment but ... aside from that, being alone isn't so bad.

I'm your age, never married, no kids, only family is one sister who lives 600 miles away. And I'm fine. It's nice having my home exactly as I want it, spending money as I see fit, traveling, pets, DIY and hobbies. Volunteering. I work full-time still.

Very seldom feel lonely and never bored. Even if it's not what you'd choose, don't dread the solo life too much. You'll find ways to feel fulfilled and make friends and bolster your confidence. There are many satisfactions.

blueshoes · 14/01/2021 00:42

I think I love her”.

There is a technical term for this ... Cunt Struck.

howdoyouknow123 · 14/01/2021 00:47

@MoreLegsThanMe I've just read this and your heartbreak is palpable. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Take one day at a time; it does get better.

idontknowaboutmortgages · 14/01/2021 00:49

@HappySonHappyMum

WHAT. A. WANKER. Didn't used to believe any man could behave that way until my Dad walked out on my Mum after 30 years of marriage with her best friend. This was about 15 years ago. My Mum right now has a lovely life, she dotes on her grandchildren, volunteers for her local hospital and has a very active social life. She has amazed me despite my Dad leaving nearly destroying her - I am very proud of her. My Dad haven't seen him for about 12 years, he has no contact with his grandchildren as the 'best friend' has turned him against us all - although if you listen to him you'd be led to believe the lack of contact is all our fault. They got married and didn't bother to tell us - I found out through a distant relative. The latest joy was a letter from the 'best friend' letting us know that he had written us out of his will and left everything to her. She helpfully sent the addendum he'd added to his will explaining that it was all our fault. It may be of no help now but I've no doubt you will be my Mum in 15 years time and the pain you're going through now will fade with time. You are worth so much more and even if he came crawling back now you'd never be able to trust him again and that is no life.
If it's the same as Scotland he can't do that!

For you OP Thanks

MoreLegsThanMe · 14/01/2021 00:49

See he had ED for many years and that to him was the catalyst for leaving. It drove us apart to the point where I’d reach for him just to be held and he’d literally and figuratively turn his back on me. The trial separation was to get us both apart from this thing that was destroying our marriage and have space.

But it wasn’t was it. I thought he was alone all those months and only he wasn’t.

He had had all forms of treatment available and eventually was accepted onto the list to have a penile implant which are rare on the NHS. To both our great shock he was called for this on 7th December. He had to be at the hospital very early as he was first on the list. I suggested he stay with us the night before and I take him in and that he came home to convalesce, of course he refused me, saying a good neighbour would deal with that and he’d just go the flat and manage there. Except he didn’t have to manage. She was there making his meals, checking he was comfy. And in bed with him. All along he was looking forward to the time he was shown how to use the implant so we could have sex. All the time, all of it, was all about when could have sex again and get back to the brilliant sex life we once had. He said I so

But now, of course, he will use it with her. I waited years and thought my prayers were going to be answered towards the end of this month.

The thought of him kissing and touching her, then being inside her, when I waited patiently when many other woman I dare say would’ve left him, it’s another thing knifing me in the back. Even the few days he was back he was promising me every day that he had the surgery for us, and for us to get back what we had.

The thought of her and him celebrating that is just another twist of the knife, if that’s even possible. Something so incredibly intimate and for us as a couple and that’s gone to her too

Why. Just why

OP posts:
CatChant · 14/01/2021 01:25

Oh my dear, he is the biggest fool on the planet. Not worthy of you and not worthy of his children.

He thinks he can turn the clock back to his youth and he can't. And one day he will realise just what he has thrown away and that there is no going back to the good life he had.

Just one step at a time, MoreLegs. You can do this. I know it doesn't feel like it but you can.

Bettysnow · 14/01/2021 01:43

You may never get answers and the answers they do give are so far from the truth they're worthless. Its very difficult to stop the real life horror movie that plays on a continuous loop within your mind. You have to stop this though because your mind will continue to add on more and more horror. Do this through distraction. Any distraction at all. Stop your thoughts once this begins and concentrate on doing anything that takes you away from it. Pray aloud according to your beliefs. Keep your phone nearby put on you tube and force yourself to watch something. Look around the room you are in and plan changes. Anything that stops your thoughts even for a few minutes and keep doing it over and over again. I fully understand what you're going through as i have gone through it too and i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Reality will bring this so called love affair crashing down around his head once the mystery and excitement dies which it will Flowers

InvisibleMoonDancer · 14/01/2021 02:05

What a shit! So sorry you're going through this but once you're over him you will never look back Thanks

BrassyButtons · 14/01/2021 05:41

My friend’s husband left her for another woman. It was life as usual and then suddenly it wasn’t. She has two small children. She was suicidal, felt it was all her fault (she’s pretty feisty but so is he!). Roll on 4 months and she is doing much better. She’s been seeing a counsellor, they have been moving on with separating their finances, sorting out the house etc. She’s still furious and so hurt but I think the sense of utter despair which is coming through your posts has lifted. Please, give yourself some time, you’ve had 37yrs of heading in one direction and he has just blown up the road. He’s making an absolute tit of himself. OW is 10 years younger than me. Could I imagine myself being with a 70yr old man (I know he’s 60 now)? No way. That’s my parent’s generation! In a while she will walk away and your husband will be left alone, having isolated himself from his family and probably a lot of his friends. At this point you will be serving the best dish of revenge ever in the form of starting a fabulous new life without him surrounded by your wonderful children. I know that seems a million miles away from being possible right now but one day at a time, in fact one hour at a time. You can do it. You are effectively suffering from a sort of bereavement so please be really kind to yourself, you are doing brilliantly. Take care xx

billybagpuss · 14/01/2021 07:43

He’s been monopolising your entire brain for a very long time, dealing with someone with an ED is exhausting then the promise of the surgery. I don’t think you’ll realise how much of your own essence it’s snapped out of you until lockdown is over and you can start to rebuild you again.

Counselling is a good option for you, your dc are old enough to be independent so scary as it sounds you can start to go out and do things for you, I bet it’s been a very long time since you’ve done that.

Your DCs sounds fab, very grounded, can they be insured on your car now too.

Also you stopped posting just after midnight last night, I hope that means you got some sleep. Feel better today.

Weenurse · 14/01/2021 08:01

By the way, he will feel like he has been kicked in the nads by a bull for a good few weeks after the surgery.

billybagpuss · 14/01/2021 08:02

@Weenurse

By the way, he will feel like he has been kicked in the nads by a bull for a good few weeks after the surgery.
Ooh let’s hope it’s months 😂
YukoandHiro · 14/01/2021 08:41

Just to say I think you can be open with your 38 year daughter. She is old and mature enough to understand how complicated life can be. Yes, she'll be processing her own grief at her father's poor behaviour but she will also want to support you.

And never let him back. You will never be happy with him again. Allow yourself happiness.

HomeTheatreSystem · 14/01/2021 10:07

My children were too small for independent thought at the time, but I suspect he would be behaving as yours is, if they had been older - expecting to pick up with them as if him living with another woman now, was a minor detail 🙄

So very true @Walkacrossthesand

OP, your latest update is utterly heart breaking. Flowers

MoreLegsThanMe · 14/01/2021 10:38

Oh @HomeTheatreSystem I know.

I just don’t know how to keep going. I don’t know how I’m breathing without thinking about it. It’s indescribable

OP posts:
MoreLegsThanMe · 14/01/2021 10:41

I try to force myself not to post too much during the daytime - don’t want to annoy anyone and I should be at least trying to do other stuff - but I will come back this evening when no doubt I’ll feel exactly as I did last night and all I want is to feel a little bit better..

Thank you all so much for keeping with me

OP posts:
JustNotFunAnymore · 14/01/2021 10:52

@MoreLegsThanMe

I try to force myself not to post too much during the daytime - don’t want to annoy anyone and I should be at least trying to do other stuff - but I will come back this evening when no doubt I’ll feel exactly as I did last night and all I want is to feel a little bit better..

Thank you all so much for keeping with me

We aren't annoyed we are concerned and supporting you. Post what you need when you need if it helps you. You are doing well even if you don't feel that way. Xx
Hoiking · 14/01/2021 11:28

No, OP....you're not annoying anyone! I've seen threads where the OP uses it a bit like a live journal, with added content from others. This is your thread, use it as much as you need.

Bikkerly · 14/01/2021 11:41

morelegs post here as much as you need to - he is absolutely awful to treat you all the way he has - you especially- my heart goes out to you.

CluelessnotShoeless · 14/01/2021 11:49

Hi OP - your despair is so apparent. I’m so sorry.

Firstly, definitely keep posting - it may not be obvious but getting your thoughts out will give you very small bits of relief, even if you can’t quite feel it. Write as much or as little as you need.

My husband left me recently after a long relationship and I wanted to write some of the thoughts I had, in case they resonate.

So here goes:

If he’d died it would have been less painful.

I’ve wished OW dead.

I’ve questioned every aspect of our relationship.

I also can’t bear the thought of them being happy together and getting the best version of him. I was there when he was at his worst. Having read your thread and the particular circumstances I think he’ll be miserable. The relationship has happened so quickly and is already on shakes ground. It won’t work. I want to repeat that - it will not work and he’s setting himself up for a life of misery.

You will survive & thrive.

billybagpuss · 14/01/2021 12:00

@MoreLegsThanMe you are not annoying anyone, the great thing about mn is you get different people throughout the day, so you get a variety of experiences. If you need to offload, do it.

harknesswitch · 14/01/2021 12:13

You're not annoying anyone, rant away on here Thanks

The one thing you can say throughout all if this is that you've held your head high, you've been there for you stbxh trials and tribulations around his ED, this shows what a lovely person you are and what a shut he us, and he really doesn't deserve you

dizzycatdance2 · 14/01/2021 12:19

Oh @morelegsthanme it's so hard.

Hi "putting the ball back" with the dcs is just soooooo easy isn't it.

"I'm.not a shit dad, they can come to me anytime they want" FFS

My exh ",I'm always here for you dcs" e.g. I can do nothing and that's ok.

Thing is ,LOVE is an action , LOVE is effort ,

You are grieving atm, plain and simple, would you expect a widow of 3 days to be "ok ??

Except this is ,imho, worse than grief ,

In all honesty , if my exh had died the kids would have had an easier time of it.

A dad who can't see you is one thing, one who choose not to well, there aren't words for the damage that does.

timeisnotaline · 14/01/2021 12:24

On the bright side, when you run into anyone who knows him, feel free to drop his penile implant into the conversation.

Icanflyhigh · 14/01/2021 13:24

@MoreLegs hi, just wanted to say I think you're doing incredibly well.
I read the full thread last night and I can tell from your posts just how much your heart is breaking.

First and foremost, you have not done anything to cause this, the fault all lies with him - he is despicable and his behaviour will come full turn and bite him squarely on his arse at some point.
Your posts on here are not annoying in the slightest, and I think you should continue to reach out when you need to.
This nest of viperd has been a huge support to me over the last 10 years at various points, and I received such kindness and support when exH left just over 6 years ago.
It does start to feel better, I can't tell you when, thats individual, but one day you will just realise that it hurts a bit less than yesterday and you've slept a little longer and eaten a little more.
Small steps, baby steps, one hour at a time is fine, if one day at a time seems too hard. You can and will get through this and no doubt you will end up much happier in the end.
Keep on talking to us xx