Can someone just hold my hand? Just for a bit

[MoreLegsThanMe]

My husband of 36 years has left. I don’t know how to get through tonight. Can someone just hold my hand, please?

Thank you so much. Other than the DC I have no family to tell. My lovely FIL knows everything now and has simply disowned his son. I have no friends to tell.

I have now been in touch with the GP and have asked for a sleeping tablet prescription as I need these terrible nights to stop, if only for a few days. I’ve asked for a low dose of something to get me through the days too. I had to do it over email so hopefully I may get a reply in the morning.

He’ll be fast asleep now, happily oblivious to all this won’t he. I’m here in agony and he’s asleep.

I wish he could see all this. Just to see what I’ve become. I’d hope he’d be so sorry and guilty and that he’d somehow come back to the real world instead of this ridiculous Romeo and Juliet fantasy, us against the world he has going on. I don’t mean to come home but just to realise what he is doing..has he lost his mind?

I wouldn't be too sure of that op, 5 children and how many granadchildren?, 36 six years together.

No I reckon his head must be in turmoil with the guilt unless he's a robot.
Hopefully the tablets will help, but I can tell you now, you will continue to feel like the victim till you make a move instructing a solicitor.

Your power will return, youv'e been booted in the stomach, it's time to boot him back.

We are still here

He probably has lost his mind, is he an easily manipulated man normally.

Do others take advantage of him?
Is he the guy that would do anything for others?

Onthedunes I don't think anyone manipulated him to go on dating sites.

OP could you muster some anger towards him? If you are awake anyway google how to handle men behaving that way and how to move on. Atleast that will keep your mind occupied and you might even find a nugget of wisdom.

I should’ve said earlier, my background is family law and I’d have no practical problems issuing a divorce petition. Sorry fur not mentioning this earlier.

@Onthedunes - no he’s never normally been easily manipulated. He’d have done anything for his family but other than that it’s only ever been helping people out with this and that. Certainly he’d not have been taken advantage of.

Maybe the age gap has something to do with it. Him sixty in two months and her thirty-seven. That a woman of that age would show an interest would surely have massaged his ego massively and it went from there...

That is absolutely terrible.

I am angry with him for what he has done to our DC. Very angry. It’s not in my nature to show my feelings outwardly, but there is definitely anger there.

@giantangryrooster

Sometimes peer pressure plays a part, husbands seeing others/friends going through separation/divorce can make people question their own lives.

He apparently went on that hideous cheating site one night by accident when he was bored. I’m sure it’s not the kind of thing you happen on by chance though.

And presumably she had the same terrible accident whilst surfing too.

And that was it

He’s won hasn’t he. He’s got what he so obviously wanted. A younger woman, flat for the two of them, she’ll go elsewhere for contact with her children, zero responsibilities.

Off into the sunset

Oh op. This is awful. You poor thing I am so so sorry for you! It is the hardest thing and I know you want him to understand your pain but he he will never feel guilt because he KNEW what this would cause and he still did it so let him carry on, please vent vent vent on here and never to him, I say this from a person who vented at my narc ex so many times and it only lead to him thinking he has a great escape from me. Act numb to him, and one day when she’s kicking off being her crazy self he’s going to think wow what have I done ___ didn’t even act this way when I left her for another woman. She sounds like a crazy bitch doing that in your street and messaging your daughters, and she obviously hasn’t got custody of her own children which says a lot. Honestly this is going to go down the pan so fast, logically what future could you have with somebody who you can’t stand their children and your children can’t stand your partner and won’t have anything to do with you? It’s over before it’s began. However, even if he comes back begging never ever have him back, your children all know now use that as your strength that you could never let them see you accept this. He is an utter pig. I cannot imagine spending that many years with a man and him doing this, and you are going to grieve for him and the man you thought he was, but he is dead to you now. That man doesn’t exist and use that anger to get through this. Use your love for your 5 lovely supportive children and grandchildren to get through this. You are surrounded with love, and he’s surrounded by a young slapper who’s ditched her kids for a man she’s just met, how is he going to respect that? You will have the last laugh I can bet my life on it xxxx

He hasn't won, he's lost.

The things which you feel he has so easily discarded will become important to him soon enough.

He just said regarding the DC that he’d let the dust settle and then try and “build bridges”.

He thinks he’ll come and take the youngest two out for the day etc. When I told DD4 what he said she literally laughed in my face.

It’s like he doesn’t even miss them.

Relationships break up all the time.

We can be amicable.

BASTARD

He said this woman was a risk worth taking. Even when I told him all he had to lose.

“I think I love her”.

He is minimising.
You know this.

He has shown a complete lack of kindness.

He has gambled, I don't think he's going to come out the winner in this.

x

I wonder if when he “left” her he spouted the same lines as he did me on Sunday.

Relationships break up
I love her
We could be friends

I think he's enjoying having two women want him at the moment.

Don't play the pick me dance, you are above that.
This woman to me sounds utterly rediculous.

No playing those games from me, no.

I couldn’t compete anyway. She!s twenty-one years younger for a start,

If I am lucky enough to be prescribed sleeping tablets will they knock me out completely? I could just do with some respite from these demons at night

I don't know op, I can't take them. Heart condition.
Have you not got anything for tonight?
You could ring 111 and ask for advice.
xx

@MoreLegsThanMeMoreLegsThanMe

No playing those games from me, no.

I couldn’t compete anyway. She!s twenty-one years younger for a start

Yes, but from what you've said about the stalkery behaviour etc, she's batshit, and living with that 24/7 is going to get tiring very quickly, so it would not surprise me if tries to yo-yo between the two of you at some point. Don't let the fear of being alone drive you to take back someone who does not deserve you and is treating you like you're stupid (he only went on the site once by accident when he was bored? Pull the other one, it's got bells on!). I've been single for a long time, and while it's not always easy, I'd never once swap it for being in a relationship with someone who I didn't feel I could trust any more, and worse made me feel like I couldn't trust my own judgement.

Well done, you got through today in one piece, and you did something positive in getting touch with your GP. I hope you'll be able to sort something out tomorrow to help you get through the night. In the mean time, have you tried listening to white noise on Spotify to help break up the oppressive silence of the night a little? I find listening to waves helps me sleep this one is good if you skip past the bloke wittering on in the first minute, but there's loads of others that you can choose depending on whether you prefer waves, rain, waterfalls, bird song or even vaccuum cleaners! The Sleep Sounds Podcast has ones that are 10 hours long, so once you've skipped the annoying intro you can just let it run the whole night.
Hope you're feeling a little better in the morning.

Depending on what tablets you get , yes , they should give you uninterrupted nights sleep. You could also try OTC stuff like Nytol tabs.

Ironically, my husband does see the grief he has caused as he is still in the house . It does upset him and he does feels guilty , but honestly that is not much consolation to me. It is too late to go back . I will never ever forgive him for what he has done. And he would love to be reconciled .

I think these men are inherently immoral. They just seem to be able to put their selfish needs before everything else . Cruising those sites mean he was actively looking for someone , anyone for a cheap thrill. Personally I think all people are these sites are pathetic. Just looking for an ego boost to think they. are attractive.

I laughed at mine , thinking he was some sort of catch . After 30 years, you know that he is just an ordinary guy with annoying habits. That is the reality and when that hits , the sleazy affair wont seem so exciting.

This kind of feeling will eventually come to you. But I know that I felt so low in myself to think that he made choices and he didn't choose me.

I doubt very much that he’ll be sleeping soundly. The reason he’s not contacting anyone is because he’s scared of facing up to what he’s done.

It sounds very much as though this woman thrives on drama- which is probably why her children struggled too. They can’t be that old, and she’s left them- the mind boggles.

Anyway, your focus now is you and yours. You’re grieving, so take all the help you can. Don’t think for one moment that this is the end for you; it’s a new beginning, albeit one you didn’t expect (or want). Lockdown makes it harder for you to get support from friends, but you have your children. In the future, you’ll also have friendship and companionship, but for now, just concentrate on your health and well-being.

I’ve seen friends rise like Phoenix from the ashes after their husbands have left- they found reserves they didn’t know existed.

If I were you (I know I’m not), I would take charge and start divorce proceedings straight away. Keep doing what you’re doing in terms of being dignified too- bloody well done on that!