Can someone just hold my hand? Just for a bit

[MoreLegsThanMe]

My husband of 36 years has left. I don’t know how to get through tonight. Can someone just hold my hand, please?

OP your real life is just beginning. In time you will enjoy not having to cater to the needs of an arse. meantime distract yourself with things, even small things, you enjoy.
and change the locks.
and get a good solicitor.

@MoreLegsThanMe these feelings are perfectly normal. Feel them, but don’t act on them. Your children need you. The best thing to do now is get through these dark days and then start living your best life. Loads of us have been where you are. It truly will be ok

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your lovely DCs.

My friend was also with her husband for 36 years when he did this to her. She was very young when she met him as well.

Her pain was unbearable and he was so cruel.

Now 2 years later she is not in love with him. Has a much better life and doesn't have the stress she used to have when she was with him (she loved him and was used to dealing with it).

She's happy now.

You will get through this but there is no short-cut. You just have to keep going and one day you will not only think you are better off without him you will know and feel much better off without him.

There were honestly times when I was worried that she might do something stupid to herself and it is so nice now seeing her walking on shineshine.

He on the other-hand is not with the OW anymore - has got through one or two girl-friends and they can't put him and he's now on his own in truly awful house and he's brought it all on himself. He's the same age as your husband.

Keep going and please believe you will be more than ok without this shallow shallow person in your life x

Hi op, just checking in

I know the financials are last thing on your mind at the moment but could one of your children set up something with a solicitor to change your will.

I'm sure the mn solictors can give you more advice on this.
xx

Thank you. It touches me so much that you lovely women would spend time to help a total stranger, it really does.

I can’t believe he hasn’t been in touch either with the DC directly or via me to at least see how they are. This man, who believes himself a good father. And her, seeing her kids at their fathers house because my H didn’t like them in the flat because they were so needy and every day they had a different drama. He said it showed him how mature ours are in comparison and he couldn’t stand the daily shenanigans with hers.

What sort of woman does that - tells her children they can’t come to where she’s living? For the sake of a man she’s known 6 months?

@MoreLegsThanMe

What sort of woman does that - tells her children they can’t come to where she’s living? For the sake of a man she’s known 6 months?

Someone who goes online looking for a married man to have an affair with? Classless

Sorry op posted too soon.
I hope you're doing ok in this moment. You're doing so well even if you don't feel that way. You are grieving and that takes many forms and time. X

The DC all appear fine today, and I’ve heard from the eldest two, who seem quite unfazed.

When they were small they adored this man, and it’s all just been smashed away

You're doing so well. The questions you are asking yourself are totally normal and the feelings and emotions you are experiencing too. Try to open up to your children, I don't mean sharing your every innermost thought but they are old enough to understand and will know you are hurting, no matter how well you think you hide it. Support each other, sharing your feelings may well encourage them to talk about theirs. If you don't feel ready for that just yet, perhaps look at counselling for yourself... but please, don't ever believe that you would be better off doing something to hurt yourself x

Your husband is a fool. She’s deliberately gone for an attached man and now she’s ‘got’ him I imagine it won’t be too long before she moves on to chasing someone else.

Your husband has lost his family for something that couldn’t even come close to replacing them.

What an idiot he is. It won’t be long before he realises it too.

@MoreLegsThanMe it’s because we know how awful it is. I got loads of support on here... just wish I’d listened sooner than I did 😂

I’m sorry to hear about your situation, but you’ll get through this, you really will.Your life is not over, it just feels like it is, you are still in a state of shock, which is natural.This time next year you will feel very differently.

She sounds like a bunny boiler, coming to the house, tracing your Daughter on Facebook, all very disrespectful.He will reap what he sows, being with someone like this, but he won’t be your concern.Your priority for the first time in many years, is yourself.

I’ll miss having a partner so desperately I do know that. It’s such a long time to be with someone and then - gone. The youngest won’t be here much longer. DS will be off to uni in 2024 and then it’ll just be me. That scares me really it does

@MoreLegsThanMe I have a much nicer partner now. Never for a minute thought that would happen!

Ah @WouldBeGood but you’ll be younger than me for sure. I just don’t think I could ever trust someone ever. I tried that and look where it got me. Second chances and trying again and look where it got me.

Hi op

You are doing so well , you really are.

My exh walked out 9 years ago, 22 married. 4 dcs.

He hasn't has contact(his choice) with the dcs for years. We don't even know where he lives.

I , like you, am astonished , thstbsuch an involved "dad" could just leave his kids with out as second glance.

I found it helpful to have a "before" and "after" idea of my exh.

It was impossible to think it was the same man somehow.

These early days are , I won't lie, really hard. But you have years ahead of you with you 5dcs.

That.is.priceless.

And he won't ever , ever have that.

Not like you will , even if they do let him into their lives , he's betrayed them as well, it will never, ever be the same, once trust is gone, it just can't be the same.

I’m in my fifties

I took mine back loads, partly because if all the things you’ve said. I never thought I’d trust anyone, but this is great. Didn’t expect it for a minute.

I’ve been reading through the thread again to kind of buoy me up for the night ahead. This is the worst worst time. It’s so dark and quiet here and I’m just feel so fucking alone and shit. They’ll be together now and I can’t stop seeing them. I feel worthless and useless and just a waste of everything. Like I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t good enough. If it didn’t hurt so much I could cope. I really could. I just wish he could see what he’s done to me. He can’t think she’s worth what he’s done

I just feel that he’s taken everything away. My past, present and future. All that’s gone is a lie and I have nothing to go on for apart from the DC. I’m nothing.

Your lovely PPs tell me how well I’m doing. I’m honestly not. I get up and act normally for the DC. I joke with them. I keep them as happy as I possibly can with this going on and he has no responsibilities, no worries about them and if they’re okay. It’s all on me. I can’t let them down. But inside I feel like I’m drowning or something. It was better when I didn’t know

You are good enough, he is not good enough for you. You do not deserve how awfully he has behaved. He has been utterly selfish and he will be miserable in the long run for sure. You don't need to worry about the long term. You got through today, well done 👏🏻 and you will get through tomorrow.
Have you told people yet? Friends? It will be awful but better when you do, people will surprise you with their support I'm sure of it.
It's not you it's him, you are lucky to have your integrity, he can never take that from you.

Sorry I'm no expert but a handhold.

You are not nothing, you are a decent human being who has been let down.

I know you mourn what you used to have, but even though he should come back it will never be the same. You need to try and stop thinking about them, could you camp on the sofa watching TV to stop your mind racing? I think it's okay your dc see you do this, it's okay they see you upset, talk to them (the young ones too) you all need to address this, not just sweep your feelings under the carpet.

Please contact your GP and any friends or family irl, you so need support to move on.

Hope i haven't said all the wrong things, please know you are the decent part in this and if you stand firm this will get better.

Wishing you peace of mind .

Oh op, you are wearing yourself out, you must explain to the children how upset you are, putting a brave face on is exhausting, let them take care of you.

There's no question he's a twat, no discussion.

One thing I would say is that him asking him asking to keep your wedding ring on speaks volumes.
Yes he has utterly broken your trust, you don't feel you know this man at all who you have given all those years to.

But now is the time to break his trust.
He still believes you love him, you do but he's had no reason to question his trust in you.

You must file for divorce, this will bring him to his senses very quickly, even if you do not wish to do so.
Remember once the ball is rolling with divorce you can hault it at any time you want.

I think this idiot of a husband would have carried on this affair preferably without anyone knowing but the ow is a demanding person who has forced his hand.
Set the ball rolling I think your power in this situation will come back sooner than you think, if you do. You are polaxed with grief at the moment and he knows that.

It's surprising how empowering making that decision can be.
He is trusting you won't. I bet.

xx