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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can someone just hold my hand? Just for a bit

968 replies

MoreLegsThanMe · 11/01/2021 01:58

My husband of 36 years has left. I don’t know how to get through tonight. Can someone just hold my hand, please?

OP posts:
Eekay · 12/01/2021 03:35

You really will survive this.
I've been where you are: in the depths of betrayal and despair and thought I'd actually die of grief and panic.
The pain was indescribable.
But I'm still here. I'm ok. I'm differen, in many ways for the better.
My children are still my world.
See the GP if you need short term diazepam or sleeping tablets.
Absolutely no shame in that.
I know you'll think I'm wrong but I promise you'll come through this.

billybagpuss · 12/01/2021 07:31

@MoreLegsThanMe

It’s like being in some kind of hell. I see all the messages she sent me. I hear what she said outside my house. I hear every lie over and over. I can almost feel him here, in our bed. Every time I close my eyes it’s all there. I was so cold when he left. I stood with my arms folded waiting for his door keys. I took off my wedding ring but he wanted me to put it back on. I just stood there and stared through him. I just looked at him. I’ve never hurt a single soul in my life. I don’t cheat. I don’t lie. That man and our children were my entire existence. And this is my reward at the end. This is what I get for doing everything I was supposed to.
He wanted you to put your wedding ring back on, he will not be feeling the ecstatic love and happiness you are imagining. Your head at the moment is full of despair assuming his life is perfect without you. I doubt he’s sleeping very well either. And as for her, I very much doubt it will last but think about it, if it does by the time she’s your age, which is not old, he’ll be knocking on 80 with all the old age problems that go with it.

I hope you had a better night last night and you did achieve plenty yesterday. You decluttered lots of his crap out of the house.

Today will still feel shit, but it will be less shit than yesterday. Keep going.

And don’t give him the satisfaction of all the verbal abuse he’s switched his phone off to avoid, let him switch it back on to nothing.

Postnasaldrop · 12/01/2021 07:46

OP I am so sorry to hear and read all of this.
I just wanted to come on and say that the OW sounds histrionic from her behaviour and your husband (sounds even worse but I won’t go into him.) I say that because she is behaving in a very exhibitionistic way. Histrionic behaviour from a lover can be very temporarily seductive. I expect she vacillates being like this and is currently having an attention seeking “peak,” but that inevitably will slide in days / weeks and all the “whipped foam” from the last 24 hours will become less interesting to her (and him)

Coffeeandcocopops · 12/01/2021 08:47

My ex H did this to me but we had been married only 12 years but bred together for 20. It is very hard. But you will move on. You have a wonderful family and that will continue. You will celebrate birthdays and Christmas’ with them etc etc.

Have you given any thought to seeing a solicitor. Do you both own your house? Do you need to discuss finances with a solicitor. I would tell a good friend. You need to be able to talk.

Onthedunes · 12/01/2021 08:54

Yes this ow is quite a piece of work, contacting your daughter, bawling in the street, sending you messages.

If you have anymore problems, phone the police, she sounds unstable and quite frankly your husband must realise he's put his own family at possible risk.

Dreadful, just dreadful.

Take care op and take no more nonsense from this woman.

binkyblinky · 12/01/2021 08:55

Hi OP, I hope you've had a better nights sleep. I promise that things will feel so much better once your head tells your heart that all this pain isn't worth it xxx

Original poster
MoreLegsThanMe · 12/01/2021 09:05

I woke up again.

For a second I forgot what had happened.

But it came back didn’t it. It came back.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoreLegsThanMe · 12/01/2021 09:06

I wish I’d just gone to sleep and never woke up again

OP posts:
ThatIsNotMyUsername · 12/01/2021 09:07

That’s normal when there is a trauma in your life. It will lessen. Try to focus on the practical things you need to do to and also on your kids. Be kind to yourself and remember to eat!

ThatIsNotMyUsername · 12/01/2021 09:09

@MoreLegsThanMe

I wish I’d just gone to sleep and never woke up again
Don’t say that - I’ve had this for different reasons in my life and I’m still here... it will get better - how can it not?

Hold your head up. Someone else has behaved like an arse and torpedoed their life (and the fallout affects you and your kids). Don’t forget that this is his doing. He has made this decision and he has to live with the consequences. You are in control of your life now.

binkyblinky · 12/01/2021 09:12

OP, I promise it will get better , that moment when you 'remember' is awful isn't it xx

ThatIsNotMyUsername · 12/01/2021 09:13

It’s the pits! Last time was when mum died very suddenly - you wake, and in that moment your brain says ‘hey it’s all ok——- ACTUALLY ITS NOT ON ALERT ALERT!

Onthedunes · 12/01/2021 09:14

Morning op, its good you got a little sleep.

Don't be hard on yourself, baby steps, you will feel like this but only time will make it easier, so take things as easy as possible.

Try to eat.
xx

EarthSight · 12/01/2021 09:16

@MoreLegsThanMe

The youngest are 14 and 16. Then the older girls are 23, 28 and 36. The oldest is a year younger than the woman he’s with now.

I feel like I’ve just let them all down so badly

Your husband is walking into such a huge trap, a mess of a person. No one healthy or normal messages the children on Facebook and shouts outside the house like that. That would be enough to make some men think twice about leaving. She's not Judith from Last Tango in Halifax, is she? If you watch it, you'll relate I think.
EarthSight · 12/01/2021 09:17

@ThatIsNotMyUsername

It’s the pits! Last time was when mum died very suddenly - you wake, and in that moment your brain says ‘hey it’s all ok——- ACTUALLY ITS NOT ON ALERT ALERT!
I know what you mean. It's takes a while for a shock to wear off.
Original poster
MoreLegsThanMe · 12/01/2021 09:18

I just woke up and thought of them waking up together and kissing and getting up pottering about.

And I woke up with a headache and that feeling when you’re trying not to cry. As soon as I woke up.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 12/01/2021 09:21

I think he had a real cheek asking you to put your wedding ring back on after all of that.

ThatIsNotMyUsername · 12/01/2021 09:23

I imagine it’s not like that - he will be farting in bed, scratching his balls and asking what’s for breakfast.

She will be moaning about being locked down with him and learning about all his nasty habits and tics. He will be discovering that she isn’t bothering so much with the hair and makeup as time goes on, and will complain that he isn’t doing the dishes and ‘treats this place like a hotel’. I’d he wants to see the kids she will have a hissy strip and get all jealous. Then when he has to pay child maintenance... it’s not so shiny when you have to wash their pants and help them cream on their piles.

Because as much as he sounds like a complete dick arse, she sounds like a absolute doll...

lowbudgetnigella · 12/01/2021 09:23

The reality will kick in for him. Living with this woman is very different from "exciting" sneaking around. She might be sexy but she sounds awful and he will miss your kind comforts I am sure. But you have to be strong against this and not have him back as you need time to heal. He doesn't get to tell you to keep your wedding ring on, or anything else, he has forfeited that right.
Be kind to yourself, cook nice food, wash your hair, enjoy the kids and heal. Would be a good idea to book a solicitor appointment and maybe call /zoom some friends if you can?

Caroline007 · 12/01/2021 09:24

Hi, I've only just seen your message. I went through a very similar situation 6 years ago. It was a blessing in disguise. At the time I was in utter shock and I literally thought I was going to die of pain. I don't know if you feel you had a good marriage and were truly happy before but life is short and our partners should make us feel happy and support us not leave us bereft. Within weeks I had moved out and have been so happy since. Happy to chat if it helps. xxx

billybagpuss · 12/01/2021 09:25

Hi op, I mean this kindly, you need to go and see/call your gp. Your posts are becoming more concerning as time goes on. It’s nothing to be surprised about, you are suffering a massive betrayal and trauma. You need to talk to them just to help you through the next few weeks. It will get better, there are plenty of ladies on here who will testify how much better their life is now, you will be the same, once lockdown is over you can start to rediscover who the real @MoreLegsThanMe is as I bet there are plenty of things that you used to do and love that have been dropped by the wayside in between becoming the mum and wife you did, but there is more to you than that.

Onthedunes · 12/01/2021 09:26

What about wrapping youself up in a duvet and watching something on netfix or something to try to take your mind off it, even for a few minutes.

Train you brain to cut the circuit of it perpeptually going round in your head. Crime shows helped me for some reason.

Other ladies may know of other distraction techniques.
Try and give your head a break from the pain.

EarthSight · 12/01/2021 09:27

@MoreLegsThanMe

I just woke up and thought of them waking up together and kissing and getting up pottering about.

And I woke up with a headache and that feeling when you’re trying not to cry. As soon as I woke up.

Oh I'm not so sure that's going to last long, if at all!! Not with someone like her anyway. He's paid such a huge price for this. He's upset his children and brought himself lower in the eyes of his family. He's devastated you, and all to be with a much younger woman who sounds really messed-up who will bring all sorts of bad drama into his life. Everyone will roll their eyes even more when they find out how old she is too. He's made such an utter tit of himself.
EarthSight · 12/01/2021 09:31

@Onthedunes

What about wrapping youself up in a duvet and watching something on netfix or something to try to take your mind off it, even for a few minutes.

Train you brain to cut the circuit of it perpeptually going round in your head. Crime shows helped me for some reason.

Other ladies may know of other distraction techniques.
Try and give your head a break from the pain.

I think I'd buy myself a beautiful coat, or something I've always wanted that I thought was slightly too luxe at the time. Not advocating going overboard and spending serious cash, just a bit of a treat that will last and make her feel better when she's out & about.
Catty1720 · 12/01/2021 09:31

@MoreLegsThanMe please don’t say that. You have 5 amazing children and grandchildren you have so much and this pain it will pass.
As for them waking up happy. The grass isn’t greener and they will both realise this. Stuck together in lockdown is very different to the ‘excitement’ of an affair. We all know lust fizzles and annoying habits show. When it’s love you get over it and find it endearing but this isn’t love it’s a relationship built on lies and hurt and it sounds like she really forced his hand by messaging your daughters. The strains will soon start to show once they really start to see the real people they are. She’s probably looking for someone else already as this seems to be her pattern.