Constantly being told what to do

[Pickle48]

I've NC'ed for this, not sure why as its so outing but hey ho. There are other issues in my marriage but this is something that's bugging me. Because I cant seem to find a way to solve it.

Over the past number of years I feel more and more like a schoolkid in our relationship and I don't know what to do or how to fix it.

This is a bit random but an example. Had a delivery and it came with one of those gel ice packs in them. I thought it seemed silly to throw it away, especially as I do a lot of sport and they are useful for injuries. So I put it in the freezer. DW asks what it was doing in there, so I explained. Next day I find it in the bin. I asked why she did it and she said we didn't need it. I said I had explained why I wanted it and put it back. A week later I heard my wife complain again that "it made finding things in the freezer hard" and it ended up in the bin again.

And again. My parents sent me some presents and they had bought a box to put them all in. Im not talking some random cardboard box, its purpose built and decorated. Before I had even said anything my DW said "don't think you are keeping that". Then again this morning I was asked "why is that not in the recycling yet"

And before you ask. We live in a big house, its not cramped. I am not a hoarder, but I hate throwing stuff away when they could be reused. But its not just this - I get told what to do in other areas of life as well. For years I have just backed down. If I try not to back down it just ends in an argument. What do I do.... (aside from leave)

Now I said I was from a poor family, and for various reasons that I wont go into because they are outing, I was sent away from my family aged 7. I did see my parents, but only for short periods and for some of the time family friends looked after me. I have come to realise over the past year that this event probably damaged me to some extent that I never really understood. Aged 8 I tried to escape it all but it failed. I cant stand being alone, I cant stand silence.
That does sound hard. It is funny how you sometimes don't realise the obvious, isn't it? Things you might just have accepted as a child, but when someone makes you think it over again as an adult it suddenly appears in a new light.

Now that you've started to see that light, though, you'll be able to process it, and work out ways to deal with it. With outside help if necessary. It's something you can work on, not a permanent state.

No she hasn't accepted it. She thinks I will change my mind. Its typical about our relationship.. nothing gets discussed ever. I need to find the energy to have another conversation and see where she is at.

So whilst we don't have children, splitting wont be easy. We've accumulated property and we rent some of them out. It would be a long process selling these assets. Likely wont sell with sitting tenants so it would take a while to unwind it all.

The main house is difficult - we don't have a central contractor so a lot of what I am doing is project management. There is just loads of juggling and odd jobs to do, to fit around plumbers, electricians etc. I'm fine with it - it is actually eases some of the pain of loneliness.

Yea and I need to believe its not permanent. I am in the process of finding a new therapist so this will be one of the goals to work through with them.

I hope what I said wasn’t hurtful. Sometimes it can help to try to see things from an external view. From what you say, you probably do come across as dreamy or detached at times, out of step with those around you. Many people find this annoying, especially at work, which might explain some of the bullying you’ve experienced - also some (but not all) of your wife’s behaviour.
There are reasons for your approach to life, as you have stated. You had a difficult childhood, you had to rely on yourself and, like us all, your experiences made you who you are.
Despite the fact that your self-confessed dithering might irk me if I had to work with you, you do sound like a lovely person🙂
Your wife might be equally irked at times but over and above that she has definitely crossed a line into being a bully. Not appropriate for a relationship and not something anyone should be expected to live with in their own home without becoming tense and unhappy.
Could you find a professional with whom to discuss what you’re discussing here? And develop some life hacks and strategies?
Best of luck!

@Cavagirl And thats the point I have got to. I told her 6 months ago that she has to let things go. (For some reason I always think of frozen when I say it in my head).

I said that she cant expect to have everything exactly how she wants it. I think she took it on board a bit, but when she doesn't say anything it just turns into internal resentment. She thinks everything I do wrong is done on purpose to spite her.

Well done for making the break @Pickle48!

I have a close friend who had similar problems with lack of intimacy, aggressive wife who had low esteem. She also kept putting off starting a family.

They split a few years ago and he is with someone else now, always looks happy and has a baby on the way. It will get better.

I've been following your posts OP's and one thing that sticks out is the poor professional counselling you've had. No one has seemed to have understood you and quite rightly PP's have advised you to get another, which you are doing.
I have suffered poor mental health since a teenager and have seen 4 in my time. All seemed to miss the point. 1 was very damaging and kept me in a EA marriage.
Through my employers I was directed to CBT and yes I was sceptical. But she was a life changer for me. She got things out of me that I never even thought were issues. She helped me work on ways to change and set me small tasks. She totally built my confidence up and my belief in myself again. Nothing was too trivial and she never made it feel like I was wrong. The difference with counsellors and psychiatrists (in my own experience) is that CBT takes it a step further. Yes there is lots of talking and self examination but real practical assistance on how to overcome any issues.
It's just a thought.
And hang in there. I'm 4 yrs down the line of separating, still live in the marital home and sometimes I feel like I'm in limbo. When I first separated I never thought it would drag on this long but I have never looked back and regretted it. Sometimes the end goal to happiness and freedom takes time but I will get there one day, make no mistake!

Good advice above.

The joint assets are complicated you write.

Don't prolong the attachment to keep you in a situation that allows her to be nasty to you and prevents you from moving on.

Plain speak for perhaps thinking of getting a contractor in to finish the work.

You spending your spare time doing work doesn't benefit you alone.

Better to get good legal advice.
A contractor to finish the work.
Sell up or divide the assets.

You need a good therapist to help you work through the trauma and legacy issues of your childhood and untangle your self confidence.

Spending the next year fixing up a house and having your nasty ex chip away at you over bloody apple cores does not benefit you.

Another person would have told her shove the apple core and let's get a contractor in to finish the house so we can get it sold.

If you spend years getting your divorce finalised, when are you goingbto have time to meet someone and move on?

I think you could be a wonderful partner and father, given the chance.

[quote Pickle48]@Cavagirl And thats the point I have got to. I told her 6 months ago that she has to let things go. (For some reason I always think of frozen when I say it in my head).

I said that she cant expect to have everything exactly how she wants it. I think she took it on board a bit, but when she doesn't say anything it just turns into internal resentment. She thinks everything I do wrong is done on purpose to spite her.[/quote]
You're not doing things "wrong", you're just not doing things in the way she wants you to do them. That's not wrong, that's different, and there's no reason why her way is better than yours.

You are still massively, massively focused on her in all your posts - you say you want to have a conversation with her to see where she's at in terms of your relationship - why? She's not going to believe you're serious until you serve the divorce papers it seems, so don't waste any time or energy trying to convince her you're serious.
I completely agree with billy above - Spending the next year fixing up a house and having your nasty ex chip away at you over bloody apple cores does not benefit you
This 100%. There's also no reason why assets can't be divided between you rather than having to liquidate all to facilitate a divorce.
Start thinking about yourself. Remember you? What do you enjoy doing, where do you want to be in 5 years? Focus on that and start thinking about how to make it happen.
You already sound way more confident than you did at the start of this thread OP, you'll get there!

I need to find the energy to have another conversation and see where she is at.

You know, you actually don't. You don't need to know what she wants or how she feels, you just need to know, in your own mind, what is best for you and then take the steps that will achieve it.

Baby steps of course. Two steps forwards, one back. But always with that ultimate goal in mind. You're capable, you're independant, you're intelligent. You can build a much happier life for yourself. You can do this. You've made a great start. Keep posting.

How does it feel being in your place and able to leave your apple cores wherever the hell you want. I hope it makes you smile.

Bollox to this OP— these women like this don’t really want partners- they just like having someone to boss and belittle. I know men like this too

On a practical note, if your house renovation plans allow it, think about making the alterations as generic as possible to help when you come to sell - ditch any personal plans that only suited your lifestyles.

Sorry but she sounds like a bitch. You deserve better.

@Pickle48 - how are things?

@Sarahlou63 Thanks for checking in.

So it's been two months since I moved out. The first couple of weeks were hard, then I found a bit of strength but its been downhill from there. I think I mentioned in a previous post that over the past couple of years I have been feeling unwell, mentally but also physically. Insomnia, IBS type symptoms, constant tiredness, dizzy spells. Its ruining my life. Ive been to the GP but they cant find anything.

I just have no energy or want to deal with this. The guy who's flat I am renting wants it back towards the end of May. I'm thinking of moving back into the family home and suggesting we live in the same house but in different rooms. Which we were before I moved out. And just see if I can get better

Whilst we don't have kids, splitting would mean a lot of work dealing with the tenants and selling the assets etc, and that would fall for me to sort out. I'm a coward ... but I don't think I can deal with it right now.

Do you think your health would improve by going back? If there's no physical cause, your symptoms are probably stress related - especially if they've been going on for two years. Did you think about looking for a different therapist or are you talking to the same one?

I know it sounds crazy but have you considered a house share with other professionals? I think you could do with company and some normality. You’re recovering from an abusive relationship it will take time for the depression to lift. Unfortunately no one warns you in the early days of of separation it’s sometimes worse than the relationship itself. It’s your mind trying to process and heal from the abuse.

How much contact have you been having with your ex, pickle?

However complicated it might be to separate and sort out division of assets, I think you should think very seriously about doing so.

In my view, what you have described is controlling behaviour and I believe it will get worse. You will feel on edge in your own home, scared of committing some imagined misdemeanor and being "told off". If you answer back you will be told it is you that is the problem.
And those who have an inclination to seize power and who are successful in doing so on a small scale become more and more demanding of it.

I’m on the fence. I suspect that you hate anything leaving the house and therefore you have a lot of stuff. Possibly too much stuff even though you don’t describe yourself as a hoarder. It would be kind to keep communal areas clear of your stuff, limit yourself to one shed or one rooms worth of clutter

@Saltyslug RTFT or at least the OP's posts.

@Cavagirl A lot of contact. Its one reason why I feel the time apart has been a failure. Constant messaging throughout the day, spending time together (through necessity)

Yes the suggestion of a houseshare had sprung to mind. I just feel very upset that I would effectively go back to living like a student

I'm not a hoarder, I generally don't like waste however I appreciate that sometimes the burden of keeping something outweighs the "waste" aspect. And this would be an example where I feel I have tried to make changes to be accommodating to the person that I said I would spend the rest of my life with. But recently I feel that I will never get to the point that she expects of me. She will say I have too much stuff, but when I look around she has more than I do. Some of her stuff is family belongings from when someone close in the family passed away. I am very sensitive to this and so feel I cant ever say anything to stand up to myself as it would be inappropriate.

The house is another example - she complains that we have to spend a proportion of our freetime working on the house. We do get trademen in, but that equally takes time to find people, get quotes and make sure they do a good job. Over 50% of the people we have had in were cowboys (London for you). She doesn't want to deal with them as she says she doesn't understand the jobs etc. I do, so it falls to me. It falls to me to sort the finances, the insurances... everything.

@ellyeth I agree with what you say and as I have tried to balance the scales a bit I have seen an angry side to her. There is just something deep down that says to me that maybe she can change a bit and it will improve.

I haven't made any decision yet about the next month yet. I call it the river paradox... there is, in life, a tendency to follow the path of least resistance .... and that's what I feel like right now

Pickle, you spent , what, 10 years(?) with this woman and it was never really a good close loving relationship was it? Everyone else (her friends & family) were much closer to her than you, and she's treated you terribly and your sex life has also been terrible. I think you've gone into a doubting yourself phase again.
I really don't think that she will change and be the person you think and hope she can. She just isn't that person. Don't take three steps back. Like most people in your situation this only leads to you being back at square one and regretting it and feeling a fool for thinking it could change.
I realise you're struggling a bit but you can get through to the other side with a little strength and confidence in yourself.
And btw, if someone in their own home decides they want to keep something, in normal relationships this is fine & ok, and no one bats an eyelid or gets grilled about it.

Your first loss is the best loss, rip the plaster off and all those types of sayings are right.

You need to start the separation. Stop communicating with her unless is re the dc or house. You need to start looking after yourself and your mental health. It will never get better until you start to live your life and not hers. You should extract yourself from her life. I suspect once that's done you will start to feel better

A lot of contact. Its one reason why I feel the time apart has been a failure. Constant messaging throughout the day, spending time together (through necessity)

What about the time apart has been a failure, and what is it about the constant contact that makes you think it is one of the factors for it being a failure?

You're afraid of looking like a student by housesharing with other professionals, but not afraid of going back to this lousy sounding relationship? That's seriously the best option for you?

You sound not just passive but indecisive & have self esteem issues it sounds like. You've navel gazed & thought yourself into a corner & now you sound like you don't even know who you are or what you want.

There is no decent woman who is going to want anything to do with you living with your ex because you're too weak to stand on your own two feet!

Things that are worthwhile are often not easy. You feel it's easier to move back - then what is this thread all for? You have been miserable for 15 pages & now because you have to move rental it's all too difficult & you seek the comfort & familiarity of the relationship again.

At least when you were bossed around & prioritising your ex you weren't having to make your own decisions.

It sounds like you're too scared to live independently TBH