Constantly being told what to do

[Pickle48]

I've NC'ed for this, not sure why as its so outing but hey ho. There are other issues in my marriage but this is something that's bugging me. Because I cant seem to find a way to solve it.

Over the past number of years I feel more and more like a schoolkid in our relationship and I don't know what to do or how to fix it.

This is a bit random but an example. Had a delivery and it came with one of those gel ice packs in them. I thought it seemed silly to throw it away, especially as I do a lot of sport and they are useful for injuries. So I put it in the freezer. DW asks what it was doing in there, so I explained. Next day I find it in the bin. I asked why she did it and she said we didn't need it. I said I had explained why I wanted it and put it back. A week later I heard my wife complain again that "it made finding things in the freezer hard" and it ended up in the bin again.

And again. My parents sent me some presents and they had bought a box to put them all in. Im not talking some random cardboard box, its purpose built and decorated. Before I had even said anything my DW said "don't think you are keeping that". Then again this morning I was asked "why is that not in the recycling yet"

And before you ask. We live in a big house, its not cramped. I am not a hoarder, but I hate throwing stuff away when they could be reused. But its not just this - I get told what to do in other areas of life as well. For years I have just backed down. If I try not to back down it just ends in an argument. What do I do.... (aside from leave)

Hey all. I'm not coping that great.

Life feels like I am living through a nightmare is probably best how I would describe it. I have a few flats lined up, its hard with viewings and lockdown but I'm now putting offers in without viewings just to get somewhere. I just need to get through this week.. I've made a balanced judgment that my stuff will be ok at the house but I will reassess that after a week or two.

For those who say you don't get it. No, I don't think I do. I don't understand.... I'm emotionally drowning right now, and when I read the thread back its like people are stood on the side telling me to swim and I will be ok. And that's all I need to do, is swim, but I can't. Its easy when you are the one that's not drowning.

I just made lunch and a coffee and took it to her in the study. She could tell I had been upset and she has just messaged me to say she loves me. I don't know how to reply. I've told her I'm going and she is telling me she loves me. I'm scared to reply

I just don't want to admit what you are saying is true. I don't know why.. I think its a mix of shame and not being able to piece together the pieces. What I mean by this.. until about 2 years ago I thought I would spent the rest of my life with this person. So what you say cant be true because I would have seen it years ago....

I’m sorry to hear you are struggling (that is only natural) but I really think you are doing the right thing in moving out. You need to get away from her emotional abuse. She is now telling you she loves you because she knows she is losing control over you. You will start to see that when you have time alone and distance from her.

Please don’t leave your things in the house with her, judging by past form she will destroy your stuff out of spite - no matter what she tells you or how she is ‘acting’ now. Even in lockdown you can arrange for movers to help you. Please don’t risk it.

You can do this, you will be stronger than you know.

until about 2 years ago I thought I would spent the rest of my life with this person. So what you say cant be true because I would have seen it years ago

You did see it. two years ago, but you're in denial clearly.

Calling time doesn't mean you've failed. It means you respect yourself enough to walk away from a situation that causes you emotional damage. There is no shame whatsoever in respecting yourself.

just made lunch and a coffee and took it to her in the study

Why are you still acting like this womans bitch??

I'm really not sure why you're saying you can't be alone. What exactly is the problem? You're a grown man not a little boy 😕

It seems to me that you are not used to looking after yourself to the point that listening to your own needs feels like drowning. This is a hard thing to do but the right thing,
take a moment to list five good things you are doing for yourself, i.e I am finding good place for me to live, I am looking after the stuff that is important to me, etc. It will slowly change your negativity , but give it time, your negativity is deeply ingrained, it’s going to take more than a couple of days of gratitude lists to start making any inroads.
It can be hard to be on your own when you are used to being a couple but it has lots of pluses too! Absence of eggshells on the floor is one...
Give yourself a hug and crack on 💐

She will go into victim mode "how could you hurt me/leave me/I love you and when that doesn't work probably get very angry once you leave. This is a tough time - just keep going - you won't drown, cling on to the sides and doggy paddle if you must. You're doing really well to stick to your plan.

Shes telling you she loves you now so she doesn't lose her easy ride lifestyle and married 'image'

If you said OK let's forget it ever happened I give it a 2 weeks max before the mask slips and the bad behavior starts to re-emerge.

Or if she's desperate and pulls out the big guns you have sex (then have to wait another 9 months and back to square one).

Change is scary but shall I tell you what's worse? Spending another 10 years flogging a dead horse and realising you're a shell of your former self, and life has passed you by.

@KickingBishopBrennanUpTheArrse

She will go into victim mode "how could you hurt me/leave me/I love you and when that doesn't work probably get very angry once you leave. This is a tough time - just keep going - you won't drown, cling on to the sides and doggy paddle if you must. You're doing really well to stick to your plan.

Failure is not walking away.

Failure is looking back on your life knowing you knew what to do but didn't do it and lived a life with regret.

OP, she doesn't love you.

She doesn't respect you.

She prefers to spend time with friends rather than you.

Of course this really hurts you.
It is very painful.

But you are a man that is still young.

There isn't any reason why in a year's time your life couldn't be on a much happier path.

Life is very precious.
It passes by so quickly.

Don't give up on the idea of a warm loving partner who shares your dreams and values you.

I don't think for a minute you have ANY chance of this now.

She has shown, and felt, too much distain for you.

A fresh start is where your future lies.

You are a very attractive bet.

You will be separated/divorced, but without children to navigate, and an ex wife to stay in touch with.

Give yourself the chance of real happiness.

Allow yourself to believe that YOU deserve to be loved and cherished.

NOW she tells you she loves you? Now. When you are about to leave?

Funny coincidence that.

She tell you that now.... Why do you think that is? How many times in the last few months (and years) have you felt loved? And I mean "felt", not been told via some psyco-babble about love language and booking restaurants etc.

She wants to maintain the status quo, because at some level she is scared too. Scared of losing her support and victim, scared of what people will think, scared of you becoming your own person, and having a much better life without her....

@Pickle48, I'm so sorry that your wife is so despicable unkind to you. When a decent person loves you, they hold you up for the light to shine on your face and for everyone else to see how lovely you are, in private as well as public. She is saying and doing such terribly damaging things and my heart goes out to you.

As an aside, whilst your posts make me sad because I can feel the pain and confusion they contain, you write beautifully. Hope that doesn't sound too weird!

Plus- a bit of solidarity- I remember a time about 4 months or so after I had finally plucked up courage to leave my emotionally and financially abusive ex husband. I stood in a supermarket literally with wide eyes and open mouth as I had come to a huge and earth shattering (for me!) moment of realisation.

I could buy whatever the bloody hell I wanted and it would be right! I could buy the delicious looking calorie laden pudding if I wanted to, I could buy the corn fed organic chicken if I wanted, I could buy that bloody flavour of crisps if I wanted and there was nobody waiting at home to tell me I had got it all wrong or to be disappointed in me for getting it wrong AGAIN because he didn't like those things (always news to me). Keep going, it feels so lovely not to walk on eggshells.

Seriously OP why are you fixing her a sandwich & a drink? Why are you so submissive & wet ? You have said you wanted to separate - your actions don't sound like they match your words.

It sounds like you're trying to be overly nice & accomodating, thinking this will make her be kind to you in return.

In reality the more you bend over backwards to please someone, the less likely they are to respect you.

It sounds like your behaviour is counterproductive to what you want to achieve.

Also the title of your post complains about being constantly told what to do.

From your behaviour it seems that you like doing what you're told & being in the submissive role?

I can see now how the therapist would say that you're being manipulative by telling her you want to separate, yet you're still fixing lunch. Those things send mixed messages.

It seems you don't want to leave, your mindset is still at the stage of believing that if only you can be nicer, show her how much of a good person you are that she will change.

Of course we want to feel like we have tried our hardest before throwing in the towel & calling it a day. It sounds like you want to be assured within yourself that you've tried your best to make it work.

But it sounds like you lack self esteem & so submissive that she walks all over you. You show people how to treat you. If you keep acting submissively she will keep walking all over you. You need to respect & value yourself for other people to.

You’re avoiding doing what you know needs to be done and that’s not fair on yourself or, increasingly now, her.

Stop sending her these mixed messages. Stop with the meals and tea etc. You’re splitting up. It’s not going to be a trial separation (she’s correct there) this is the start of the divorce process.

Without wanting to sound like your wife (and I’m a man btw), you need to grip your side of the situation hard. Pack anything you really couldn’t live without down the line and move it out (parents or a friend or storage).

If you’ve got time, before you move out, to finish some of the smaller DIY jobs, purely to help sell the house later, then do them. If not, call some builders and get quotes arranged. Speak to a good divorce lawyer. Start thinking about how you’ll divide assets.

Your marriage needs to end. You’re not right for each other. Divorce.

Do you want her to give you permission to leave? If she told you it was over, and you had to move out, would that make it easier for you? Even though the outcome is the same?

@Cavagirl No I don't think it would make it easier if she kicked me out. I don't think its permission I am after.

Just understanding and answers. Why does she not want to have a physical relationship with me, aside from low level intimacy. Why does she say she love me, yet watches me in agony. Why does she think my actions are to spite her (before Christmas she spent a day with her family, I wasn't invited. I used the day to decorate the house, do the tree etc. She said that I decided to do it on that day to spite her..... I mean FFS... it was a Saturday, the job needed doing so I did it.. nothing more. Why does she think that. She said that she has always felt that I have never truly loved her. She had to force me to propose to her.

So if she had thought that, then why is she so desperate to hold onto what we've got.

I know why I'm scared. I don't think I can be intimate every again, I have no confidence left. When I try and discuss the lack of sex life, she just says "well we need to talk about your sexual issues then, which I think you have had for years" .... So it then makes me think that carrying on with the security blanket that I have now is the best course.

How would her answering these questions help you?

if she had thought that, then why is she so desperate to hold onto what we've got
Same reason as you; scared of the unknown, not wanting to be the one that makes the decision, and the fact that it's easier to do nothing than to do something.

So if she had thought that, then why is she so desperate to hold onto what we've got

Because she wants her whipping boy, easy life and married image. Multiple people on this thread have told you the same thing.

What sexual issues???

You mean your confidence being destroyed because she's too cowardly to tell you she doesn't find you attractive (I'm sure you know this) and too selfish/lazy to give up her easy life and actually put some effort I into things that don't give her public kudos and contribute towards her image?

OP if you are too cowardly to end it then stop whining and crack on. People have explained to you in a bid to make you understand and yet you're still running around after her like an absolute mug.

I almost spat out my coffee when I saw the words security blanket. FFS man up.

Certainly the only time you would leave is if she threw you out and she's not going to do that when she has it so easy. It's easier just to lie or blame you isn't it?

You're being willfully blind because you don't want to deal with reality. You still haven't said why you have such a problem with being alone.

She doesn't want sex with you, because, first of all, she doesn't like you
maybe you are not much good ? maybe she is asexual ?

whatever the reason, she is not prepared to talk about it, or work on improving it.
Only you know if you are a generous lover, & can do what is necessary for her to enjoy it too.
But let's face it, everyone is different, go find a new partner to love

@Cavagirl I don't know. I think it would be the first stage of trying to rebuild my confidence.

@Closetbeanmuncher The sex deteriorated from poor to very bad. I didn't find it enjoyable, but she claimed she did. She would orgasm very quickly and that would usually be it. She would ask to stop before I had finished if you know what I mean. She would always say how great the sex was.. but shows no interest in making it more frequent. I tried to mix it up, change things but she would try for a few minutes and then say she didn't like it. I wonder if she is just not interested in sex rather than not finding me attractive. She seems anxious talking about it. I think she has major self confidence issues - she doesn't like being naked in front of me. I try to reassure her

I'm not sure why I am scared of being alone. I can't go into details but from the age of 7 I haven't lived with my parents. I struggled...I tried to escape it all when I was 8. That didn't work! But I found a coping mechanism, which was I think just to bury it all and soldier on. I grew into a capable and applied person and done well financially.

My parents just see me as the one who has it all. Who can deal with anything. I'm distant with them. I've tried to bridge the gap but its hard. Sometimes when I call them they say its not a good time to talk because there is something on TV they want to watch. Its not that they do it on purpose, they just don't know the hurt. When I told them I thought my mental health was deteriorating they just asked that I don't end up in a mental institute. And yea, I do have suicidal thoughts but I got help. I think maybe I'm finally strong enough to leave but I worry

A good therapist would be invaluable to help you.
Your confidence issues will definitely be connected to whatever occurred at age 7.

It doesn't matter Why. You will never know.
All that matters is she does do it.
Knowing won't change anything.
You need to get out of that head space and stop thinking about her and her needs , her behaviours.
Start thinking about YOU.
Only way you can do that is getting away from her.