Constantly being told what to do

[Pickle48]

I've NC'ed for this, not sure why as its so outing but hey ho. There are other issues in my marriage but this is something that's bugging me. Because I cant seem to find a way to solve it.

Over the past number of years I feel more and more like a schoolkid in our relationship and I don't know what to do or how to fix it.

This is a bit random but an example. Had a delivery and it came with one of those gel ice packs in them. I thought it seemed silly to throw it away, especially as I do a lot of sport and they are useful for injuries. So I put it in the freezer. DW asks what it was doing in there, so I explained. Next day I find it in the bin. I asked why she did it and she said we didn't need it. I said I had explained why I wanted it and put it back. A week later I heard my wife complain again that "it made finding things in the freezer hard" and it ended up in the bin again.

And again. My parents sent me some presents and they had bought a box to put them all in. Im not talking some random cardboard box, its purpose built and decorated. Before I had even said anything my DW said "don't think you are keeping that". Then again this morning I was asked "why is that not in the recycling yet"

And before you ask. We live in a big house, its not cramped. I am not a hoarder, but I hate throwing stuff away when they could be reused. But its not just this - I get told what to do in other areas of life as well. For years I have just backed down. If I try not to back down it just ends in an argument. What do I do.... (aside from leave)

@Cavagirl I don't know. I think it would be the first stage of trying to rebuild my confidence

Would it? Why?

What if the answers are, for example:
Why does she not want to have a physical relationship with me, aside from low level intimacy? Because she doesn't fancy you
Why does she say she loves me, yet watches me in agony? Because actually she doesn't really love you, you're just pretty convenient to have around
Why does she think my actions are to spite her? She doesn't really, she just says that to hurt you

How does any of that help you rebuild your confidence?

I think you need to recognise that, by hanging onto the hope of answers, what you're really doing is hoping for her to tell you how to feel, what to do, how to move on - you're just calling it something else.

You need to accept that you are going to have to rely on yourself for decision making from now on, and trust yourself, without deferring to her.

Get yourself out, that is what's going to start rebuilding your confidence

@Cavagirl...

Exactly.....

OP

"Get yourself out, that is what is going to restart building your confidence"

This

Oh pickle she really is so grabby and selfish smh.

But look at how far you've come you know you can cope alone because you've been through the worst life could throw at you, and you survived it, even thrived under those conditions. You ARE a strong person, but this relationship is filling you with doubt and disbelief. It's poisonous.

I told them I thought my mental health was deteriorating they just asked that I don't end up in a mental institute

Wow, just wow. Thanks a fucking bunch mom. I know what you mean about the lack of awareness though..

Do you have any friends you can turn to to talk? I also think a private trauma counsellor would benefit you if you have the means.

Nothing will get better for you as long as you stay.

You need to be on your own and get counselling for yourself.

Please change you counselor and leave. My psychiatrist was brilliant but hard work. I gave a 5 minute summary of where I was at and then he talked. He gave me a load of homework to do before I was allowed back. Life changing and rapid.

But it took my 6 years to rebuild myself after a 5 year marriage. So really leaving is the beginning. No new beginning unless you leave.

Get a better therapist for number one. Make the move and then let yourself settle. Feel the calm and the peace. Put yourself back together like a jigsaw and give yourself time-that time whereby someone isn’t jumping down your throat or controlling your every move will eventually feel like bliss...you will be fine.

Thanks everyone - I've been trying to find rentals and hopefully going to sign a contract today.

I cant help but feel victim, I know its a state that I revert to and I need to stop. Its a lot of admin moving - its impacting my work - I wont have internet when I move for a couple of weeks, yet I need to work from home. I know they are problems I can solve, but it feels like I am the one paying the price.

I had never heard the term gaslighting before, and I am still not sure whether its really happening. I think it is... but im not sure! For example yesterday my DW just said 'move back to your parents' and I said "I'm a grown man and don't really want to do that". She then said ' yes you do, you said before that you need someone to look after you because you aren't able to look after yourself"

I'm like 99% sure I never said I wasn't capable of looking after myself so I have no idea where she got that from. Maybe I did say it, because she spoke with such confidence when she said it. But then I know I didn't say it.

Try to substitute 'survivor' for 'victim'. It will help your mindset.

She is onej nasty woman OP.

I think your life is going to improve immeasurably.

Hope your day goes well.

Stop listening to what she says. Her opinion is if no importance to you.
Dont tell her things.
Plan your exit

That’s the whole point in gaslighting is you are never sure. You stop having confidence in your own opinions and thoughts because you’ve been robbed of them. Once you are out you will see how toxic your relationship has been for your confidence.

Great news you've nearly found somewhere OP. You'll thrive not having someone belittling you all the time.

You said this it feels like I am the one paying the price

What do you mean? Paying the price for what?

This reads as if you still perceive yourself as being inextricably linked with her, something bad is happening to the two of you and it's unfair that, of the two of you, you're the one bearing the brunt of resolving a difficult situation.

You need to start thinking of yourself as an individual removing yourself from an abusive & toxic relationship. You're not "the one" paying a price owed by both of you. You're an individual making choices for yourself to improve your life.

I have just read your posts, and it reads that you just want a life.
Children , love, a sex life and not to be treated like you are the lesser partner in your relationship.
Of course your wife doesn't want to split, you seem to be her cook and emotional whipping boy.
She got you to move out of the bedroom, so really your her flatmate not her lover.
The going out to nice places, that she organises, yeah that's for her delight, not to show you love.
Love is would you like to go to see X. And you actually get input.

Get a mobile phone data packet for a month and your Internet will be sorted.

Re the admin - yes, it would be more convenient if you could just stay together, or if your wife sorted it out, but life really just does involve a lot of admin sometimes. When you've done it, it will be very satisfying!

www.tescomobile.com/help-and-support/tariffs/pay-monthly-data-bundles

e.g. a bundle like this, then create a personal hotspot on your phone and connect to it with your laptop etc.

Undermining and infantilising you yet again, by lying that you said you can't look after yourself and you need a grown up (ie her or your real parents) to look after you. Can't wait to see you fly OP.

@Cavagirl When I say it feels like I am paying the price, in so much that I am the one having to find a place. That's taken a lot of time and effort. She gets to stay in the house. I have to deal with what I tell people at work when they see I've moved etc etc. I feel like the one having to bear the brunt of the current situation

As I said previously, I've seen huge change in the past month since I said I wanted to move out. But last week I saw a crack - she just turned round to me and complained that I'd left dirty sheets in the washing basket for a week. I asked her where else I should leave them, and why was the issue. She just said that it was unacceptable as they were "filling the whole basket".. I walked away from it. Later I checked and the bin was half full. I've done 3 loads of washing this week, its not like I'm not trying but I prioritized clothes and sports gear. Anyway...

We sat down again and I said that I had seen change, but my worry was that some of the structural issues underneath seemed to be there and I used the washing basket as an example. She said that "I find fault with everything she says", and that "no matter what she says or does, it will never be right"..... maybe she is right???? Is it me.

I haven't slept properly for a few weeks now, having starting to get into better sleep. I just think the whole time about whether is she right, and that I am the abusive one and that I am being unreasonable.

So I found a rental two weeks ago, I told her and she came to terms with it. But then it fell through. It took a while to find another one. During that time she was really happy, very chirpy. Then this week I told her that I had finally found a place and that I had signed the contract. She immediately shut down.. she is now pissed off, she doesn't look at me and wont really talk to me. I've tried to speak to her but she just said that "she has the right to be pissed off and upset". I agree with her, but I'm feeling punished.

Anyway, I've signed a contract on a rental and I'm moving out in a couple of days. It has internet so no issues there! I'm going to lie, I am very nervous and scared.

Give it a bit of time. It'll feel weird at first but spend some slow time pleasing yourself.

Congratulations on the rental.
It will feel weird...
Then peaceful...

When is the house being put up for sale?

I am the one having to find a place. That's taken a lot of time and effort. She gets to stay in the house. I have to deal with what I tell people at work when they see I've moved etc etc. I feel like the one having to bear the brunt of the current situation

It's just a means to an end. Once you are out of there you will start to feel better. You will feel relief. Don't expect too much of yourself, just enjoy settling in, creating your own routine, eat what you want, sleep when you want, etc.

You don't have to tell people anything really. If they ask why you moved just say 'personal reasons' if you don't want to explain. It's ok to put yourself first.

When are you moving?

I feel like the one having to bear the brunt of the current situation
Yes it's rubbish isn't it, when any relationship breaks down where people live together and have shared lives there's someone who will likely need to move out and someone who will "get to" stay. And of course it's not always the person who's more "to blame" if you want to look at it like that who gets the most inconvenienced. It sounds like you're almost angry at her OP, which I think would be a completely healthy emotion for you to feel!
But bigger picture time - it's a necessary crap inconvenience to get you to a far, far better place and out of a toxic marriage.
Can you put into words, what it is you are scared of?

Sorry mate, but your missus sounds really controlling and it treats you like a child and is emasculating you.
Hate to say it, but the therapy didn’t work, it sounds like time to call it quits and look for someone who will appreciate you.
Good luck 🤞

Well done and congratulations on finding a place! You don't have to tell anyone anything you don't want to at work. Get settled first. Also again, take all your personal papers, precious items etc. She will "accidentally" throw away anything of yours once the anger kicks in.

Don't wish to be rude Pickle - but man the fuck up! Your wife has had you (figuratively) by the balls for so long they must be numb. Once you have moved you will hopefully become the person she has - almost -crushed the life out of.

Even change for the better is scary.
Ive posted long messages to you (and name changed since) but dont let your natural fear stop you. It's the right move for you. Rome was not built in a day.
Stay on course.