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Original poster

He wants a baby but not marriage (yet)

143 replies

Dancingone321 · 07/01/2021 20:23

We've been together for 3 years and lived together pretty much the whole time. Its always felt totally right and everything fell into place. He has two kids from 2 women (8&5). Now I've always said I wanted kids and he was fine with that. I felt ready much earlier but he's said he's now ready and wants to try. But one of my biggest things is that he says he doesn't want to get married yet. I said about going to the registry office and having something sent and simple because I don't want a big day and tbh we wouldn't be able to afford to save for a big white wedding. If rather save that money to have a baby as we have both agreed we don't want an even bigger gap between our baby and his eldest. He says its just a piece of paper and that he doesnt want to have to do it cheap but I feel like if he can't commit to marriage then how can he happily have a child with me? We don't own our home or anything or make loads more than each other everything we own we both paid for its not like if we divorced id be taking away his stuff I just dont get it and don't know what to do 😭

OP posts:
OneRingToRuleThemAll · 07/01/2021 20:25

Don't do it, unless you plan to be a single parent. He has history of having children and walking away, he will do it again.

Floralnomad · 07/01/2021 20:25

His history would show that he doesn’t stick around , marriage won’t make him change , do you want to be a single parent ?

Stretchandsnap · 07/01/2021 20:26

No no no - why would you even consider it

PlanDeRaccordement · 07/01/2021 20:28

Don’t get pregnant. Because guarantee unless you put the child in a nursery at 3 months old, you WILL be making less money than him and WILL be dependent on his income. If you split after baby and are married, you WOULD be taking half, but if you split after baby and are NOT married, you get fuck all. Child maintenance if lucky.

You are right to want marriage before a baby, don’t back down. The fact he has two children with two women means he’s done this before. Got a new GF and a new baby and then moved on to the next fresh young thing.

If it’s just a piece of paper to him, it’s even more telling that he won’t do something that is very important to you. The reality is that avoiding marriage is more important to him than your desire to marry.

WeeMadArthur · 07/01/2021 20:28

Big nope from me, doesn’t sound like he will ever get married so if it’s a dealbreaker for you then don’t have a child with him. The not wanting to do it cheap is a red herring, he doesn’t want to do it at all.

Dragongirl10 · 07/01/2021 20:29

Huge red flag, look at his history you will be the next.....

Is he worth staying with..really?

Changethetoner · 07/01/2021 20:29

I'm assuming he didn't marry either of the other baby-mamas either?
Run away, fast.

Swingometer · 07/01/2021 20:30

Agree with other posters

He clearly didn't want to marry his last 2 partners either but was happy to have a child with them

FancySomeChips · 07/01/2021 20:30

Nope.
I learnt the hard way.
Never again!
Plus he has prior.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/01/2021 20:34

No marriage no baby.

And I'm not always a fan of marriage - if it wasn't important to you or you wanted to protect your existing assets or greater earnings I'd say don't bother. But in this case you have said that it is important and it's pretty clear he is not willing to commit, except to getting you pregnant. Like he has done twice already with other women he did not marry.

Original poster
Dancingone321 · 07/01/2021 20:34

Both his exes left him (im supporting him in fighting for visitation for the youngest atm - generally isn't his fault he hasnt seen kid he has police reports on his side etc) and he was stupid and 15 with his first partner when they planned the 8 yr old. When we spoke about it he said he sees a baby as a bigger commitment because we will always be in each others lifes no matter what happens. Tbh my biggest thing is that I don't want a different name from my baby and I want to be his wife.

OP posts:
ProvisonalPaulina · 07/01/2021 20:38

Bollocks to that! You commit to each other first as a family. THEN you have a baby. Age gaps are the absolute least of your problems. 8 years is already too big for there to be a close sibling relationship when little.

C0NNIE · 07/01/2021 20:39

Don’t have a different name from your baby - give any baby your name. That’s the tradition.

I’m not clear why he doesn’t have his two other children for 50% of the time? I understand that he was 15 but so was his ex , I assume. So why was she old enough to have a baby and bring it up but she wants?

And what’s his excuse for not caring for his kids now?

33goingon64 · 07/01/2021 20:40

The legal advantages of marriage for parents is indisputable. Think about how easy it would be for him to walk away and leave you with DC, even if he says he won't do it, if he did, you would suffer more than him. These boards are full of women whose partners leave them in the shit - at least those who are married get financial reassurance. FFS, if it's just a piece of paper to him then what's the harm in going through with marriage if it's what you want?

Mrbob · 07/01/2021 20:41

So he’s 23 and he wants his 3rd child with a 3rd woman... yeah this will go well

Original poster
Dancingone321 · 07/01/2021 20:43

So we have the eldest every weekend however the youngest he went to pick him up and birth mums dad assaulted him (her dad was charged) so now we have to go through courts because she is refusing visitation and blocked him on everything. He is an amazing dad and has a good co-parenting relationship with his first ex.

OP posts:
Changethetoner · 07/01/2021 20:43

You're signing your self up for a complicated life - stepmum to two different siblings. Are you sure you want this? think of all the grandparents, aunts uncles, mothers in their lives. You are never going to be a priority. If you're okay with that, fine.

Your child can have your surname, no problem. If you're not married to the father, that's the default situation.

DeliaOwens · 07/01/2021 20:44

No no no no a thousand times no. Please read all the comments above and really hear what others are telling you. There is a big flashing sign but you are blinkered!

Wanderlusto · 07/01/2021 20:45

What a cheeky fucker. The nerve of him.
Nope.

Lemonpiano · 07/01/2021 20:46

Bullshit.

Don't bring a child into this shitshow. That's cruel.

What a fucked up situation.

C0NNIE · 07/01/2021 20:49

So why was she old enough to have a baby and bring it up but he wasn’t?

Ragwort · 07/01/2021 20:50

He's 23 !! Shock.

Please, run a mile from this loser.

Wolfiefan · 07/01/2021 20:51

Jeez. No. Just no.
Unless you want a sperm donor. That’s all he will be.

biggreengrinch · 07/01/2021 20:54

@PlanDeRaccordement

Don’t get pregnant. Because guarantee unless you put the child in a nursery at 3 months old, you WILL be making less money than him and WILL be dependent on his income. If you split after baby and are married, you WOULD be taking half, but if you split after baby and are NOT married, you get fuck all. Child maintenance if lucky.

You are right to want marriage before a baby, don’t back down. The fact he has two children with two women means he’s done this before. Got a new GF and a new baby and then moved on to the next fresh young thing.

If it’s just a piece of paper to him, it’s even more telling that he won’t do something that is very important to you. The reality is that avoiding marriage is more important to him than your desire to marry.

This 100%
Original poster
Dancingone321 · 07/01/2021 20:54

@C0NNIE

So why was she old enough to have a baby and bring it up but he wasn’t?
I'm not sure what you mean? He's had 50/50 custody of his eldest his whole life. She moved to England for a while so he saw him a little less but used to drive down whenever he was off work to see him. They were both kids who chose to have a kid. They both raised him I don't get what you mean
OP posts: