He wants a baby but not marriage (yet)

[Dancingone321]

We've been together for 3 years and lived together pretty much the whole time. Its always felt totally right and everything fell into place. He has two kids from 2 women (8&5). Now I've always said I wanted kids and he was fine with that. I felt ready much earlier but he's said he's now ready and wants to try. But one of my biggest things is that he says he doesn't want to get married yet. I said about going to the registry office and having something sent and simple because I don't want a big day and tbh we wouldn't be able to afford to save for a big white wedding. If rather save that money to have a baby as we have both agreed we don't want an even bigger gap between our baby and his eldest. He says its just a piece of paper and that he doesnt want to have to do it cheap but I feel like if he can't commit to marriage then how can he happily have a child with me? We don't own our home or anything or make loads more than each other everything we own we both paid for its not like if we divorced id be taking away his stuff I just dont get it and don't know what to do 😭

Fuck, I missed he was only 23. No wonder he doesn’t want to get married. And he wants his third kid?

How old are you op?

Don't get it .. if it's just a piece of paper then why wouldn't he want it as cheap as possible? :s I smell crap

A baby is a much bigger commitment than marriage.

Is he still married?

Op, in your previous thread you say it’s you who wants the baby, and say you want to be a young mum,

How old are you exactly?

You really need to read up on what marriage means @Bramleyapples13 before making life changing decisions like getting married or having children. Don’t take the word of someone who knows exactly what the difference is and hopes you don’t find out till it’s too late.

@Bramleyapples13

If you aren't married and split up after having kids, do you really not getting anything? But you do if you're married?

I'm asking due to my OH mentioning wanting to get married but he wants children first as he says it's easier to sort things for children after separation rather than sorting things after divorce?

NO NO NO he means "if we break up but we're not married, i don't have to give you a single shiny penny, even if having kids ruined your career and slashed your earning potential and now have to go on benefits."

@B1rthis
Come on, this daft arse isn’t marrying anyone when he can get daft lassies to pop out his babies.

Obviously lots of red flags here. So it would be mad to have a baby with him right now. How will he support his 2 other children and a third in his mid 20’s? Does he earn lots of money? You i assume are young too - whats the hurry? Why not get your own home first and see how it goes before you think of having a child...

And get married since its only a piece of paper to him...

Whenever a woman is defending a useless man on here, she always describes him as "an amazing dad". 99% of the time, amazing means does just shy of enough normal parenting, disguised by the right amount of showy parenting to big himself up.

We were all 15 at one time or another, we didn't all get pregnant or get someone pregnant, and 2 kids with two different women by the age of 23, I'm sorry it's a bit much. Okay could be '3rd time lucky' but who knows, if that is a risk you are willing to take. Of course there are plenty of slightly older couples with no kids, in happy stable relationships or even married on top of that, and it does not work out, so yours could go either way.
If you really believe in marriage etc and what it stands for, and in terms of for a child/name then push for that. Why rush fir a baby as both young? Could leave it a bit longer.

Ughh. No way Jose would I be having a child with this clown.

Look at what people DO not at what they say, OP.

He had a baby at 15...but what did he learn from that experience? Not much if he had another baby at 18 and at 23 wants to knock you out mmmm up without any of the responsibilities associated with marriage.

He is no prize.

He knows your freedom makes him lucky to have you and he wants to reverse that.

Sounds like birthmum 2’s dad had his measure and was fuming that he had got his daughter pregnant. How old was she? You sound very young OP and easily led to believe the rubbish he is spouting. He probably said the same stuff to the others. You don’t want to tie yourself down with a baby at this stage of your life. Babies are hard work even for couples in long-standing relationships with both fully committed.

OP please spend an hour or two looking at the many mn threads of people who started had babies in relationships like this and now find themselves with no support, no remaining career, no money and no partner (nor time to find a different boyfriend since they are doing 100% of parenting). Do not do this to yourself. No no no no no.

OP, I think you just don’t want to hear what everyone is saying.
Why shouldn’t you have what you want? Just tell yourself - and him - that you don’t want children before marriage. If he questions it you can say that you’d like your child to have the same surname as their dad, but if you weren’t married then they would have YOUR surname. See what he says.
If a man refused to marry me, no way on earth would I give any child his surname. Who carried the baby and gave birth to them?

Based on previous threads I think you're actually older than him and you've been TTC with him since lockdown as well as discussing fertility clinics / adoption on here.

If you're that serious about having a baby, please consider who you are having it with.

Take a step back and ask yourself this - Do you really think a 23 year old with two children by two different wonen, who is currently going through a legal battle and has told you he sees marriage as a piece of paper and something he does want to do before a child?!

Be responsible. Don't being a child into this. I'm adopted and that's why I'm so passionate about this.

I understand you want to be a mum. I can tell you that you would be much more attractive to those who manage the adoption process as a single self sufficient candidate, as opposed to a joint candidate with your current partner.

You would be irresponsible and foolish to continue TTC with this man.

Pitch it to him that you should be married FOR the baby, because if (god forbid) anything happened to either of you (my mum died suddenly when I was young) then you get widow/ers benefits you don't get if not legally joined (married/civil partnership)

Don't do it though. You'd be mad to do so.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Based on previous threads I think you're actually older than him and you've been TTC with him since lockdown as well as discussing fertility clinics / adoption on here.

If you're that serious about having a baby, please consider who you are having it with.

Take a step back and ask yourself this - Do you really think a 23 year old with two children by two different wonen, who is currently going through a legal battle and has told you he sees marriage as a piece of paper and something he does want to do before a child?!

Be responsible. Don't being a child into this. I'm adopted and that's why I'm so passionate about this.

I understand you want to be a mum. I can tell you that you would be much more attractive to those who manage the adoption process as a single self sufficient candidate, as opposed to a joint candidate with your current partner.

You would be irresponsible and foolish to continue TTC with this man.

Sorry disregard the first paragraph of that as I mixed OP with another poster - totally my bad.

The rest of the post I stand by. OP, if you want to be a mum then you need to start by making decisions that centre the child and reflect them being a priority. Choosing this man to have a baby with would not be doing that.

Unless it was a mutual choice I don't know why any woman would have kids with a man who didn't want to get married. If he can't commit to you before DC what will he be like when you are both sleep deprived, covered in cheesy baby sick and haven't had an adult conversation in six weeks?

If someone isn't willing to go to a registry office and put a ring on my finger but is willing to create a new life then there's something questionable about their motives.

It's not just a piece of paper - it's tangible commitment which means he can't just walk out when he feels like it. If he saw a baby as a bigger commitment he'd be with mum no1 or, as they were extremely young, at least mum 2.

Also, he PLANNED a baby at 15, then 20 and now 23?? Wtf is wrong with him?

OP do you think it's just a coincidence that both of these women he's had children with have left him?
Do you think it may have something to do with the fact that he probably didn't give a care once the children were born? Started going out with his friends? Didn't share the load? You've no guarantee that they did leave, it may have been him.
At such a young age to have 2 children already, it doesn't come over as him being a responsible, mature and supportive father/partner.
The Police being involved and all the Court intervention sounds like there's a lot of hostilities. That's a lot of pressure!
All the 'its's a piece of paper' excuses are just that excuses.
A child isn't more of a commitment, he can walk away at anytime. It'll be you bearing all of the responsibility.
I'd give it some time before you make such life changing decisions.

@Bramleyapples13

If you aren't married and split up after having kids, do you really not getting anything? But you do if you're married?

I'm asking due to my OH mentioning wanting to get married but he wants children first as he says it's easier to sort things for children after separation rather than sorting things after divorce?

Hahahaha that's a fucking lie.