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Original poster

He wants a baby but not marriage (yet)

143 replies

Dancingone321 · 07/01/2021 20:23

We've been together for 3 years and lived together pretty much the whole time. Its always felt totally right and everything fell into place. He has two kids from 2 women (8&5). Now I've always said I wanted kids and he was fine with that. I felt ready much earlier but he's said he's now ready and wants to try. But one of my biggest things is that he says he doesn't want to get married yet. I said about going to the registry office and having something sent and simple because I don't want a big day and tbh we wouldn't be able to afford to save for a big white wedding. If rather save that money to have a baby as we have both agreed we don't want an even bigger gap between our baby and his eldest. He says its just a piece of paper and that he doesnt want to have to do it cheap but I feel like if he can't commit to marriage then how can he happily have a child with me? We don't own our home or anything or make loads more than each other everything we own we both paid for its not like if we divorced id be taking away his stuff I just dont get it and don't know what to do 😭

OP posts:
harknesswitch · 07/01/2021 22:02

If you're going to have a child with this man then you need to think about the possibility of having to become a single parent.

Also, do not give up your career or become a sahp, keep yourself financially secure and if you do buy a house make sure your name is on it.

PaterPower · 07/01/2021 22:03

Not a good idea.

At all.

Commonwasher · 07/01/2021 22:03

There is no hurry to have a baby, sounds like you are pretty young. If you are worried about his commitment then don’t rush into anything you cannot get out of. There is nothing wrong with a gap between children, and it sounds like you have enough on your plates with sorting out custody of his children. I would wait and see how things pan out for you both in the new couple of years.

truetuesdays · 07/01/2021 22:04

No no no and no

Every day there are threads on here from women up shits creek because they had children with men who saw marriage as "just a bit of paper"

It's so so so much more than that. Men just throw out this term along with "we KNOW we love one another, why get a certificate to prove it" because they either want to protect their assets or don't want the hassle of paying for/sorting out a divorce if it goes tits up.

WiseOwlRelaxing · 07/01/2021 22:07

No. You're young, why would you accept this?!

Ughmaybenot · 07/01/2021 22:12

Oh you’d be such a fool to go for this. I know that’s not what you want to hear but it’s true.
Marriage is absolutely not just a piece of paper, do a bit of reading on the link provided upthread, but besides that, what makes you think you’re going to be different to his last two?
He’s feckless, selfish and immature. Don’t do it.

WorryingAtHome · 07/01/2021 22:12

Assuming you're a similar age to him, what's the hurry? Enjoy your life a bit more before coming a mother. If you become a single mum at a young age your chances of making a good life for you and your child will be incredibly low. If you don't earn a good wage now, you won't ever progress with a child. Having a baby is expensive if you want childcare and hard work.

Piccalino3 · 07/01/2021 22:15

Oh goodness no, a thousand time no. Run for the hills. This man has shown you what he is. He has 2 children with 2 different women, is still in his early 20's and now is looking to have more. Realistically is he going to be able to financially support 3 different families with young children? Does he have the time to spend with 3 different children, to give them love and affection, to get to know who they are, for them to depend on him, help them with their school work, talk to them about their friends, take them to clubs, actually parent them rather than visit them occasionally. I have 3 kids and am stretched with their needs with all of them in the same house along with their Dad.

OP, really ask yourself what the ideal father for your children would do for them and for you? When you have them they will be the most precious things you ever have in your life, do you really think that he will be good enough for them? Do you really want to expose them to the drama of having two half siblings that have mothers who don't get on or are not supported by their Dad.

You can do better than this OP, for yourself and for your future children.

AnneElliott · 07/01/2021 22:17

Don't do it unless you're planning to bring a child up on your own.

I think he's far too young to have 2 kids already! And if it's just a bit of paper, why won't he get it? If it doesn't mean much.

I would echo other posters. Get out before you get pregnant.

Mintjulia · 07/01/2021 22:18

No, he's already walked away from two mothers. Don't be a fool. If he won't marry you then he's not committed to you.

You'll get £7 a week if you're lucky!

happytoday73 · 07/01/2021 22:22

Id normally say if it's just a piece of paper and nothing important then why not just do it to make you happy..
In this case... Please please please never marry or have a child with this man... 2 women have left him... Why?

MadamBatty · 07/01/2021 22:25

Why does he want a baby? What possible reason could he have for wanting a baby? He won a buggy in a raffle?

Please get yourself a career & live a little. You have many many options

trixiebelden77 · 07/01/2021 22:30

The age gap between his eldest and any other children is totally irrelevant. Do not let that influence your decisions here.

This man has form for extremely immature behaviour. Two children by two different mothers by an age at which none of my friends had even left uni. It’s not time to add to this. It’s time for him to grow up - that means both of you put this on hold and work on establishing yourselves in secure jobs with futures, save for a deposit on a flat, and sort out the custody issues with his younger child.

Do this and revisit marriage in a few years.

Consider a child after that.

Alternatively - prepare to be the single mum of his third child whilst he wanders off to have his 4th with the next woman.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/01/2021 22:32

Why would you even consider bringing an innocent child into this situation? Your lack of judgement is shocking.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 07/01/2021 22:34

Nope! Sorry haven’t RTFT but I imagine it’s been said before!

HollowTalk · 07/01/2021 22:35

@Dancingone321

Both his exes left him (im supporting him in fighting for visitation for the youngest atm - generally isn't his fault he hasnt seen kid he has police reports on his side etc) and he was stupid and 15 with his first partner when they planned the 8 yr old. When we spoke about it he said he sees a baby as a bigger commitment because we will always be in each others lifes no matter what happens. Tbh my biggest thing is that I don't want a different name from my baby and I want to be his wife.
Oh for crying out loud.

"generally isn't his fault he hasn't seen his child - he has police reports on his side"

What the hell kind of standards do you have for yourself, OP?

HerMammy · 07/01/2021 22:35

He’s 23 and wants to have a 3rd child by a 3rd woman whilst going through the courts over one child?
Are you fuckin mad??

Bramleyapples13 · 07/01/2021 22:37

If you aren't married and split up after having kids, do you really not getting anything? But you do if you're married?

I'm asking due to my OH mentioning wanting to get married but he wants children first as he says it's easier to sort things for children after separation rather than sorting things after divorce?

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2021 22:39

His commitment op is to thr baby, not uou. He can easily co parent and have little to nothing to do with you. Being in your life doesn’t mean he will be your partner.

Don’t have a child with a man who doesn’t want to commit to you.

Is it bollocks a bigger commitment to have a baby, he knows it and you know it.

nimbuscloud · 07/01/2021 22:39

Are you out of your mind ????

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2021 22:40

@Bramleyapples13

If you aren't married and split up after having kids, do you really not getting anything? But you do if you're married?

I'm asking due to my OH mentioning wanting to get married but he wants children first as he says it's easier to sort things for children after separation rather than sorting things after divorce?

Why would you possibly get anything? Of course you don’t. The only thing you’d get would be child maintenance, unless he has the child fifty percent.
SunKeepsShining · 07/01/2021 22:41

Please don’t if he’s not committed. A lot of people happily don’t get married, but they live together, own a house together, have no complicated history repeating itself.

SparklingLime · 07/01/2021 22:42

@Bramleyapples13

If you aren't married and split up after having kids, do you really not getting anything? But you do if you're married?

I'm asking due to my OH mentioning wanting to get married but he wants children first as he says it's easier to sort things for children after separation rather than sorting things after divorce?

This bloke sounds like another one to definitely not have children with.
FuriousWithTheNHS · 07/01/2021 22:43

Both his exes left him (im supporting him in fighting for visitation for the youngest atm - generally isn't his fault he hasnt seen kid he has police reports on his side etc) and he was stupid and 15 with his first partner when they planned the 8 yr old.

What?! So he's still only 23 and ready to impregnate his third baby mama? Are you completely mad?

There sounds to be WAAAY to much drama with the second child's mother, regardless of who says whose fault it all is, and anyone daft enough to plan a baby at 15 is probably still fairly daft at 23.

Techway · 07/01/2021 22:45

Is he really the man you want to commit all of life to? Is this what you imagined as your fairytale life?

Has he ever been single.. his history suggests otherwise. Does he have a troubled family background as his need for children suggests he is trying to get love.

If you had a child it is HIGHLY likely he would leave as the other 2 women have found. Babies do not make couples relationship better, generally they are much more difficult.