He wants a baby but not marriage (yet)

[Dancingone321]

We've been together for 3 years and lived together pretty much the whole time. Its always felt totally right and everything fell into place. He has two kids from 2 women (8&5). Now I've always said I wanted kids and he was fine with that. I felt ready much earlier but he's said he's now ready and wants to try. But one of my biggest things is that he says he doesn't want to get married yet. I said about going to the registry office and having something sent and simple because I don't want a big day and tbh we wouldn't be able to afford to save for a big white wedding. If rather save that money to have a baby as we have both agreed we don't want an even bigger gap between our baby and his eldest. He says its just a piece of paper and that he doesnt want to have to do it cheap but I feel like if he can't commit to marriage then how can he happily have a child with me? We don't own our home or anything or make loads more than each other everything we own we both paid for its not like if we divorced id be taking away his stuff I just dont get it and don't know what to do 😭

I would tell him I would not be having babies unless married. If he loves you he should commit to you. Imagine getting pregnant and then he leaves you. I know a marriage certificate would not stop that but if he died suddenly you would.br in a better position. My sister lived with partner got many years but when they wanted children she insisted they marry first. He died at 36 unexpectedly as had a massive heart attack and ambulance could not resuscitate him. She could get a widow benefit for 12 months and it kept them afloat whilst she got over shock.

@milkysnickers3628

Perhaps he likes to spread his DNA around minus the commitment

Nope... he's wants a kid... marry you first 🌺

Well with his history I wouldn’t do it in a million years. But it’s a bad idea full stop because you aren’t protected financially.

Also at 23 can he really support 3 kids??

I would honestly move on and find someone who you can marry and start a family with. Without a load of mess in the background.

Under no circumstances, have a child with him before marriage. It's a major red flag regardless that his two previous exes left him after they had children which to me sounds like that after kids his relationships go south. At 23 he is fighting to see one of his kids ( that is too young to be in that much drama).
You do NOT want to be babymother number 3.
If he wants to impregnate you then the condition is that he should marry you.
Any man who says marriage is just a piece of paper doesent want to commit to you fully. Although a man can marry you and you guys have kids together, even if he does walk out, there is still some level of security. Having a child without being married increases the risk of you being a single parent and raising the child on your own with no obligation to maintain the child.
I will say it one more time-you are not a babymother, you are a wife so if he wants a child then he needs to step up and deal with you the right way.

OP he's still a child himself. The male brain doesn't fully form until 25. No wonder he doesn't want to get married. He might settle down when he's a full grown up. Not yet.

@Bramleyapples13, maybe create your own thread or look on previous threads where this is discussed. Outline the financial situation of you and your partner ..however his comment suggests he is FULLY aware of the risk to HIM of marriage.

If you are not married then a mother is only entitled to CMS. Go to the website and use the calculator to see what that would mean in actual terms. If the father wanted extra nights then the amount you get is reduced.

Generally CMS is NOT enough to support a child and you need to work and/benefit top ups. Upshot is mothers end up with all the financial burden of children whereas the non resident parent (mostly fathers) retain most of their salary.

If you were married you would be entitled to share of equity in house, share of pensions and share of savings. Marriage gives protection as all assets are considered joint. No marriage means you have no responsibility to each other...just CMS to child.

I bet he has you doing the childcare for the kid he does see and now you are mooning over having a baby of your own with this prize plonker. If you were my daughter my heart would be broken that this is what you wanted in life, some Jeremy Kyle reject that goes around making kids and walking away. Give your head a shake OP, want better for yourself.

It's not a 'piece of paper' :)

And he knows that FULL WELL which is why he won't do it.

Just smile and say no. We'll be married first.

The 'yet' and the 'want to do it properly' tells you all you need to know. He is happy to have a baby with you, as long as you're not married, because then if he changes his mind, all he has to do is add you to the list of people that 20% (20%!!) of his salary is shared between. That's it. Bigger committment to have kids? Ha, no. Not in the slightest, which is why there are so many single mums struggling.

He's not daft - but you will be, if you agree to have a baby and compromise YOUR earning potential while he takes on NO EXTRA FINANCIAL COMMITMENT.

I would start opening your eyes to this guy, and if you're also early 20s, I'd walk away and find a better quality man.

He’s 23!! doesn’t own his own home and already has two children he’s hopefully financially supporting. It doesn’t sound like he can afford a third.
DS is twenty five, been with his partner eight years, owns his own home and has a good career. I’d be shocked if he planned his first child now, let alone his third. Why wouldn’t your partner want to be financially stable before committing to a third family? How long have you been together? Even if you marry and split up it’s unlikely your child will be financially provided for given that the CM he’d pay will be split between three mothers. You sound so naive.

OP please don’t have a child with this man. Please listen to the collective wisdom of the people on here AND that of the two women who have already done this with him and found him wanting.

Please..... just listen.

I think OP has got the message everyone

@Techway Thanks you cheered me up on this cold Friday night! 🙄
Already wearing that t shirt, and add in to the mix if that so called father of your child who you wasn't married to, is/was abusive you lose out even more. In my case he definitely had a good laugh on me, but is getting some pay back now, even if it's not the best outcome.

Just imagine a guy meets a woman with two kids already and has decided he'd like to settle down and marry her, have children of his own with her. Do you imagine he'd have to sit and read these responses?

She's 23 with two kids by two men?!! Please, run a mile from this loser.

2 DC with 2 different fathers already - at 23.

Surely you want better for yourself and your future children than THIS Jeremy Kyle style shit show?
A woman with ambitions for 4 x 4?

Set the bar higher OP, for the good of humanity.

OP, is this really what you aspire to from life?

Do you want to be one of 4 blokes that all have a baby with this waster?

Why would you want to have a baby with such a loser? She has two children by two different men. Surely you have better standards. I wouldn't have got involved with her in the first place.

Don't you believe you can do better than this irresponsible loser?

She already has two kids from 2 men (8&5). Seriously, OP? Are you certifiably mad?

She's not an amazing mum. She's a feckless loser

What's with her that she's determined to procreate with every boyfriend she has?

Just no. Please listen to the others’ advice. You’re worth more than that.

Please please please never marry or have a child with this woman... 2 men have left her... Why?

This woman has form for extremely immature behaviour. Two children by two different fathers by an age at which none of my friends had even left uni.

anyone daft enough to plan a baby at 15 is probably still fairly daft at 23.

2 kids with two different men by the age of 23, I'm sorry it's a bit much.

OP do you think it's just a coincidence that both of these men she's had kids with have left her?

Also at 23 can she really support 3 kids??

Just thought I'd do this for a bit of perspective. I'll hold my hands up and say I have no issue with being equally critical of women who irresponsibly have children too young and with multiple partners. How many people on this thread could say the same?

There seems to be a real double standard on MN where this is concerned. A woman with two or three kids by two or three men would get nothing but support for having just been 'unlucky' in relationships and 'how was she to know he'd turn out to be a waste of space?' and generally hailed as some sort of hero/martyr, not having her character, her judgement, her commitment and her ability to parent well called into question, let alone having people suggest that as both the fathers of her children have left her, she must clearly be the one who is fundamentally flawed and therefore isn't worth getting involved with in future.

I don't think everyone is saying he's fundamentally flawed. Lots of us have said he's a child himself (neurologically his biology is not the same as a 23 year old woman) and therefore explaining he is right not to want to marry just because he has a girlfriend who wants kids.

How old are you OP?

And why did both his exes leave him?

If He/She would expect me to raise 2 children, getting involved with 2 different family life, take on another one with no legal rights or any feeling of security, I simply wont do it. And I would not expect this from anyone; regardless of gender. If you do not agree something fundamental as this, it will never work. This is not a compromise this is a sacrifice! Regardless who will change their mind, one person in the relationship/marriage will always be unhappy. I dont think that is the right way to start a family!

Oh my goodness, I've just read the OP's other thread. It certainly does put a rather different slant on the whole thing and makes her boyfriend sound as though he does have his head a bit more screwed on than he's getting credit for on this thread. If anything it seems she's pressuring him to give in and agree to a baby now rather than later - and it sounds as though she's still at college too.

It's amazing how one situation can be manipulated and distorted across different threads to give two completely different impressions and therefore elicit completely different responses.

I hope this young man is insisting on using condoms, irrespective of whatever other BC arrangment is being used. If not, I fear it won't be long before he is in the 3x3 club whether he thinks he agreed to it or not.

Wow, yes! He doesn't want a baby at all, it is the OP who is desperate for one!

Yep, he needs to use condoms. And keep them in a safe place too.

All the posts in the world aren't going to stop women 'in love' falling for this nonsense. 'Awww babe if you reassalllly love me you would want a baby with me... ' ' a baby is a bigger commitment than marriage' ..

Yep it sure is. FOR THE WOMAN !!
Body /biological load
Loss of income
Possibility of medical complications
Responsibility to another human for 18 years. Morally and financially.

Exactly where does he have a commitment except by choice. ?
Marriage ? Now THAT is a legal commitment.

You won't listen though OP. So prepare to be a single parent without and help from him.

The old if you don't need to buy the cow to get the milk... don't do it OP!

No offence OP but you sound young and naive pr you're just stupid. Get married first. How many women need to tell you that they regret not marrying before procreating and ending up suffering after he decides to leave but hes not up for being a dad anymore.

Good luck having a baby with this guy, your be a single Mum before you know it and back on here in a few years time complaining that no single bloke without kids wants to date you.

This won't end well whether you marry him or not. I am constantly dumbstruck at how blind many women can be.

I also think people should call children children - not 'kids'. Kids is a pet name that subtly devalues the gravity of being a parent and being a child.

This guy has left 2 'kids' already. If you want to be another baby mama in his baby mama hareem go ahead - ignore what is plain in front of your eyes.

He won't marry you - he knows the score. He'll wear you down or you'll throw caution to the wind and convince yourself you're different and get pregnant. Once you give birth - you're done for.