He wants a baby but not marriage (yet)

[Dancingone321]

We've been together for 3 years and lived together pretty much the whole time. Its always felt totally right and everything fell into place. He has two kids from 2 women (8&5). Now I've always said I wanted kids and he was fine with that. I felt ready much earlier but he's said he's now ready and wants to try. But one of my biggest things is that he says he doesn't want to get married yet. I said about going to the registry office and having something sent and simple because I don't want a big day and tbh we wouldn't be able to afford to save for a big white wedding. If rather save that money to have a baby as we have both agreed we don't want an even bigger gap between our baby and his eldest. He says its just a piece of paper and that he doesnt want to have to do it cheap but I feel like if he can't commit to marriage then how can he happily have a child with me? We don't own our home or anything or make loads more than each other everything we own we both paid for its not like if we divorced id be taking away his stuff I just dont get it and don't know what to do 😭

He doesn't want the marriage commitment with you but knows you'll look after the child if you break up, he gets off free to do it all over again, imagine if he was the parent of sole custody, he wouldn't be so quick to procreate with numerous women.

If he's serious about you, then let him show it by putting a ring on your finger.

2 DC with 2 different mother's already - at 23. Huge red flag. Don't do it.

If he's serious about you, then let him show it by putting a ring on your finger

If he’s serious about you then let him show it by working hard at his job/ perhaps doing another job in the evenings / weekends/ getting more qualifications so you two can buy a flat and become more secure. Then get married and both grow up a bit before you think of having another child.

I assume he works part time now as he has his 8 year old loving with him for half of the week ? If so, how is he going to support three children?

How do you get on with his children?

I wouldn’t even do it if the man had no kids, but tel kids with two former girlfriends? Nope. Marriage first or no baby.

You’re asking here so you know it’s a terrible idea. It’s a terrible idea.

"Tbh my biggest thing is that I don't want a different name from my baby and I want to be his wife."

You can give your kids whatever name you want. You can give them your name or his name regardless of whether you are married. Marrying for a name is a terrible reason to get married.

The way you say you want to be the "wife" sounds like you want a title to get married to outrank your man's exes, mistresses and future girlfriends. That's another bad reason to get married.

Why do some women do this to themselves? What is the appeal in him?! You'd be mad to go ahead with marriage or kids with this one.

"When we spoke about it he said he sees a baby as a bigger commitment because we will always be in each others lifes no matter what happens."
Bloody hell who talks like that? If he's saying that sort of thing at the beginning of the relationship that's bad news! He's already saying he thinks there's a chance you won't stay together. Cheeky fucker!

Surely you want better for yourself and your future children than THIS Jeremy Kyle style shit show?
A man with ambitions for 4 x 4?

Set the bar higher OP, for the good of humanity.

Yep, sounds like he’s about due to father another child going by his timeline.

One child 7, so got the mother pregnant 8 years ago ish.

His younger child is 3, so got that child’s mother pregnant roughly 4 years after he impregnated the first one.

He doesn’t hang around long with these women after he gets them pregnant does he?

Now 4 years after knocking the last woman up he’s ready to knock you up.

No wonder he doesn’t want to marry you OP. In another 4 years he’ll be ready to knock up the next one.

Nah OP, jst don’t. This bloke prefers shagging to sticking around and parenting. You’d be a bloody mug to go ahead with all this evidence showing you what’ll happen. I bet the other two women thought they were special too.

@Mrbob

So he’s 23 and he wants his 3rd child with a 3rd woman... yeah this will go well

OP, is this really what you aspire to from life?

One of 3 women that all have a baby with this waster.

Is he fully financially supporting the 2 children he has or is that their mothers job?

If you just want to be number 3 mother, sure crack on.

What sort of family do you come from that you would actually think this is a good idea?

You sound very young.

Have you any career?

OP, I might be very wrong but I’m guessing he’s not a high earner and isn’t climbing a ladder to be a high earner in the future. Don’t know why I know but just a feeling.

He’s already got two sprogs, he wants to bang you up with his number three. Presuming he pays maintinance for the other two it’ll reduce what they get if he fathers another one, and when he fucks off leaving you to raise this one with lucky woman number four, you’ll be lucky to see a fiver a week.

If I sound like I’m being nasty then it’s because I’m frustrated that you’d even... I mean seriously woman, get yourself some standards.

It's just a piece of paper and he doesn't want to do it cheap?

Which is it? Either it's just a piece of paper so not worthy of a big, expensive day... or it's important enough he doesn't want to do it 'cheap'?

Can you see the flaw in his logic there? He's talking shit because he doesn't want to marry you. He wants you to have his baby but doesn't want to marry you.

You would be a fool to make yourself financially and emotionally vulnerable by having a baby with a man who can't even be arsed to come up with a logical / consistent reason he doesn't want to marry, when it's something you want strongly.

Seems clear that, for him, having a DC isn’t a sign of commitment to the DM. He has done it twice already and is no longer with the mothers of his DC.

It is a massive red flag that he is willing to have (another) DC but not commit to marriage. Clearly he sees marriage as a bigger commitment than bringing DC into the World.

He is telling you who he is and how he feels about you, please listen.

Why would you want to have a baby with such a loser? He has two children by two different women. Surely you have better standards. I wouldn't have got involved with him in the first place.

Not a good idea. How old are you? Do you want a baby? Single parenthood is the worst. Don't risk it.

Please, please raise your standards. Don't you believe you can do better than this irresponsible loser? He doesn't even want the same things you do. He doesn't want to get married because he'll be able to just walk away anytime he feels like it, which he will. Give your head a wobble and get rid of him.

Definitely take a step back, you have lots of time.

No!

@MorbidPodcastFan

Surely you want better for yourself and your future children than THIS Jeremy Kyle style shit show? A man with ambitions for 4 x 4?

Set the bar higher OP, for the good of humanity.

👏🏻 this

He has two kids from 2 women (8&5).

Seriously, OP? Are you certifiably mad?

They left him.

Left, or ran for the fucking hills?

I mean what has this guy got going for him? A gold-plated dick?

Just don't do it.

At 23? How much sperm is he planning to donate by the time he's 30?
He's not an amazing dad. He's a feckless loser leaving a trail of destruction behind him.
He should tie a knot in it - and you should run!

He's a bit liberal with his allegedly more meaningful commitments if he's already got 2 children with 2 different mothers.

What's with him that he's determined to procreate with every girlfriend he has? How does he propose to support all these children?

Marriage is far from just a piece of paper. Please read www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

No. Just no. Please listen to the others’ advice. You’re worth more than that.

2021 goal: find your self-respect.