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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Money issues HELP

133 replies

RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 16:01

My SO and I have been together for almost 4 years, I moved in with him around a year ago. As his job is much more demanding and he earns a significant amount more than me, and has fairly small outgoings compared, we agreed that he would continue to pay the mortgage bills etc as he was before, and I would help out with shopping etc and pay for holidays. This would also allow me to build up a bit of a nest egg for security as moving in was a big step for me as I've previously been left homeless with nothing because of moving in with someone abusive.

This was going fine until I realised how irresponsible he is with money, since April he has managed to spend over 70k, we have been in a pandemic and so haven't been out much and I have fully paid for the 2 holidays we went on so I really don't know how he's managed it but also feel like because he covers the bills it's not something I can question him about as it's his money.

My issue though is that at the end of November he told me he had hit his overdraft limit and could he borrow money for a few days. I sent him 2k. He received 7.5k at the start of December and paid it back but then a week later says he has hit his overdraft again and could he borrow more. I sent him 1k to tide him over, I sent him another 1k last week that he asked for and then he turned around to me 2 days later asking for another 1k. I sent him 500 as I really wasn't comfortable with sending him more when he seems to be burning through it. I've just heard him on the phone to his friend saying how he's got £500 left and he's just come back from shopping and must have spent £100 on dinner for tonight and bottles of wine when I've said I'm running out too and we need to take it easy.

I actually have a lot more in savings but I don't want him to drain me out and then not get it back and I feel like he's still trying to have a lifestyle which we obviously can't afford it at the moment. I feel bad that he's struggling and is the main bill payer. Am I right to feel like this or am I being selfish and should I be giving him the money he's asking for when I'm essentially living in his house for free?

OP posts:
popcorndiva · 07/01/2021 16:05

My first guess would be some sort of addiction? Gambling maybe?

RandomMess · 07/01/2021 16:05

I guess you need to state that either you go through finances together or it's got no chance of working out.

Whether you earn 20k or 200k being crap with money can see you homeless...

IronNeonClasp · 07/01/2021 16:05

70k ??? Does he have a problem with drugs?

Moondust001 · 07/01/2021 16:08

I think you need to have a serious money discussion, because this is no way to live. I wouldn't be happy with what he is doing in terms of money, but equally, it is his money. But this doesn't sound like a relationship - it sounds very unstable and like there is no coherent approach to what sharing and living together means to you both. You obviously have very different approaches. And people can live like that. They do it all the time. But both parties have to agree that this is what they want - and it clearly isn't what you want.

Honestly, I can't tell you what is right for you, and neither can anyone else ... but I'd run a mile and not look back. Literally. I would move out. There is no real long term future for such very disparate approaches, and it sounds like you will be joining him in heavy debt if you continue in this.

Dissillusioned · 07/01/2021 16:09

He's obviously spending it somewhere. I would first guess gambling, or paying for 'something' online? Hope not OP.

MadeForThis · 07/01/2021 16:09

I agree gambling. He would have a lot of physical goods to show for £70k. New car?

Giraffapuses · 07/01/2021 16:11

Posting to keep track of the thread.

Dissillusioned · 07/01/2021 16:12

How about approaching him and suggesting a sit down together to sort finances, as you may be able to help if hes short each month. I don't know, say something about should you contribute to house bills or something to make it seem like you're concerned about that as opposed to concerned about the shed load of money hes just spent?
End of the day it is his money. But you are in a relationship, so surely this should be a joint discussion regardless of who earns what?

HollowTalk · 07/01/2021 16:14

70K? I would get the hell out of that relationship, otherwise you won't have a penny to yourself.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/01/2021 16:16

I would move back out asap; this is no way to live and where is all this money going?. You've already lent him quite a tidy sum already, how much more enabling behaviour are you going to do before you yourself say no more?. Close the bank of you and say no more. Enabling him too like you have done on the money front neither helps him or you; it just gives you a false sense of control.

Hoppinggreen · 07/01/2021 16:17

Spending £70 k during a pandemic is pretty amazing
He’s either got loads of debts or he’s gambling or Similar. It actually IS your business if he’s borrowing from you

LIZS · 07/01/2021 16:18

He's spent over 10k in a month, on what? He clearly has a problem - addiction, blackmail, porn, gambling? What does he do with his time? You are enabling him by "loaning" money, bet he never actually pays it all back.

Nomoresleeps · 07/01/2021 16:18

That is a ridiculous amount of money! Have you seen anything to show for it eg parcels arriving?

If he’s asking you for money and claiming he’s broke when he earns well, there is something serious going on.

xyzandabc · 07/01/2021 16:20

Needing £1k more than once in the space of a week to 'tide you over' shouts gambling addiction to me.

You say he's spent £70k in 9 months, is that actual spending, so his take home pay and it's all gone. Or would 9 months salary be £70k, so take home less than 50k after tax/NI/pension, possibly less than 40k depending on pension.

Either way, it sounds like a lot but what's his mortgage, car payments, bills, any child maintenance, debts, other essential outgoings?

A tricky one to know but I think I'd want a full and frank financial conversation with him fairly sharpish with proof of where all this money is going before I trusted him with anything money related.

NoSquirrels · 07/01/2021 16:25

Since April he has managed to spend over £70K.
How do you know this? Do you have an overview of his finances, or are you guessing what he earns?

My issue though is that at the end of November he told me he had hit his overdraft limit and could he borrow money for a few days. I sent him 2k. He received 7.5k at the start of December and paid it back but then a week later says he has hit his overdraft again and could he borrow more. I sent him 1k to tide him over, I sent him another 1k last week that he asked for and then he turned around to me 2 days later asking for another 1k. I sent him 500

So you've leant him £4,500 since end of November and you believe he was paid £7,500 in December?

So he paid back £2,000 to you, then has spent £5,500 and also borrowed another £2,500 on top? So he's spent £8,000 in 5 weeks?

Either he is gambling, or he is on drugs (and that would be A LOT of drugs) or he has a lot of debt and it's caught up with him, or he has never earned as much as you think he does...

Original poster
RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 16:27

Thanks all!

I guess I get annoyed because I knew we had to take it easy from November and I constantly asked him if money was ok and if he needs help with bills etc and he says things are fine and will literally wait for a text from his bank to say he's hit his overdraft and then ask me for money which I feel obliged to do straight away because he's literally on empty but the more I think about what he's had this year it doesn't add up.

His bills inc credit card repayments and money for his 2 children are 2.5k a month maximum but even that leaves him with an extra 50k, we have treated ourselves throughout the year but no more than anyone else really, no car nothing huge or extortionate. I know things add up but really not that much without noticing. Not like we're eating off gold plates or anything lol. He doesn't gamble I know that for a fact.
It is his money and my aim isn't to control that at all, but I feel so much pressure at the moment that he's going to end up leaving me skint and he's not really doing anything to control his spending even when he has barely anything left!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 07/01/2021 16:29

I'm sorry, OP, I just used Advance Search to see if you'd posted about him before. Is he the same guy you were with in July 19 you were thinking of leaving? I think you should get out of this relationship, personally.

letsnotscaretheneighbours · 07/01/2021 16:31

Tbh I'd be listening to @AttilaTheMeerkat

Original poster
RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 16:32

He's self employed so isn't salaried, the 7,500 was a gov grant from covid situation, he's also had another 2 of those + a bounce back loan all which I helped do the applications for. plus he's had earnings this year. He has no business expenses like property etc to maintain or staff to pay, that's how I know and no he's not a drug dealer! The issue isn't really what he's spending it on it's that he's not taking care of his finances to meet his responsibilities and expecting me to pick up the pieces

OP posts:
LIZS · 07/01/2021 16:32

It is more than a few extravagances since lockdown. He is being dishonest , with you and possibly himself.

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 07/01/2021 16:33

Cocaine? Gambling?

letsnotscaretheneighbours · 07/01/2021 16:33

See he knows you'll bail him out so will continue to be shit with money. You need to stop bailing him out and you need to have an honest conversation about money. If you can't do that you need to go before he bleeds you dry trust me I know

Original poster
RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 16:34

@NoSquirrels yes, you're right. I think I've known for a while and I don't think the situation is ever going to improve. Maybe it's time to try get the money back and get out!

OP posts:
Lemonpiano · 07/01/2021 16:36

Op, looking at what you've said about this relationship before you need to leave. Urgently.

You're in another abusive relationship.

The longer you stay the more it will fuck your life up. Don't do that to yourself.

I think you knew 18 months ago it needed to end.

Speak to Women's Aid if there's something stopping you doing what you need to do.

CabinClose · 07/01/2021 16:36

It’s quite relevant that the relationship where you were left homeless and with nothing was this same relationship. Obviously you need to leave him, again.