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Original poster

Money issues HELP

133 replies

RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 16:01

My SO and I have been together for almost 4 years, I moved in with him around a year ago. As his job is much more demanding and he earns a significant amount more than me, and has fairly small outgoings compared, we agreed that he would continue to pay the mortgage bills etc as he was before, and I would help out with shopping etc and pay for holidays. This would also allow me to build up a bit of a nest egg for security as moving in was a big step for me as I've previously been left homeless with nothing because of moving in with someone abusive.

This was going fine until I realised how irresponsible he is with money, since April he has managed to spend over 70k, we have been in a pandemic and so haven't been out much and I have fully paid for the 2 holidays we went on so I really don't know how he's managed it but also feel like because he covers the bills it's not something I can question him about as it's his money.

My issue though is that at the end of November he told me he had hit his overdraft limit and could he borrow money for a few days. I sent him 2k. He received 7.5k at the start of December and paid it back but then a week later says he has hit his overdraft again and could he borrow more. I sent him 1k to tide him over, I sent him another 1k last week that he asked for and then he turned around to me 2 days later asking for another 1k. I sent him 500 as I really wasn't comfortable with sending him more when he seems to be burning through it. I've just heard him on the phone to his friend saying how he's got £500 left and he's just come back from shopping and must have spent £100 on dinner for tonight and bottles of wine when I've said I'm running out too and we need to take it easy.

I actually have a lot more in savings but I don't want him to drain me out and then not get it back and I feel like he's still trying to have a lifestyle which we obviously can't afford it at the moment. I feel bad that he's struggling and is the main bill payer. Am I right to feel like this or am I being selfish and should I be giving him the money he's asking for when I'm essentially living in his house for free?

OP posts:
Original poster
RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 17:19

@Rudolphian because I've been earning a salary all year and he knows how much I earn.. apart from the 2 holidays and shopping and my phone bill I haven't really had much else to pay for. He knows I have money and was shocked when I only sent him the 500 last time and I said I don't want us both running out and left it as that. If I say I've got nothing left he will question what my money has gone on but I just don't want to send him any more when his spending is clearly out of control.

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LIZS · 07/01/2021 17:19

Do you ever say no? He is manipulating you and abusing your trust. Buying fancy meals and wine knowing you cannot afford it but will probably eat.

Smallgoon · 07/01/2021 17:20

He's gambling. Has all the hallmarks. Sorry

Original poster
RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 17:23

@letsnotscaretheneighbours omg I'm so sorry but also glad you got out as it really isn't easy. The problem is that we get on so well, we have had a lot of issues in the past but seem to have overcome them all this year being stuck together in lockdown! but over the last couple of months I'm just feeling so overwhelmed again and frustrated with how irresponsible he can be. I know deep down the only way is out but it's getting to that point where I can be strong enough to not come back and I don't feel I'm at that stage yet :(

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LIZS · 07/01/2021 17:25

Sunk costs fallacy. He does not reciprocate your feelings, hence the smirk. He can hide behind unpaid invoices while spending on himself. Give Womens Aid a call, they will help you leave,

Original poster
RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 17:27

@LIZS I genuinely thought the smirk was that he was embarrassed to be asking me again. But you could be right and I will definitely give them a call, thank you

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Nomoresleeps · 07/01/2021 17:29

So what do you think he has spent the money on? Have you got a theory?

Original poster
RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 17:33

@Nomoresleeps I honestly have no idea. I know everyone is pointing towards drugs or gambling, He's always hated gambling though, he's turned down vegas with me and his friends and doesn't even do the lottery so i really can't see it being that. As for drugs we're under the same roof 24/7 so I think I would know but maybe not?! he drinks way too much but I doubt it's all gone on that. Maybe debt. I know one of his credit cards has a large amount on whereby he pays almost 1k a month off it, but there could be others I don't know about..

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GingerNorthernLass · 07/01/2021 17:34

Gambling?

I would run as fast as I could in the opposite direction if I were you. This is not going to end well.

RandomMess · 07/01/2021 17:43

Perhaps he hasn't wanted to go to Vegas because he's had gambling problems before.

MadeForThis · 07/01/2021 17:44

So if you were unable to give him money he would question what you had spent all your money on?

Why can't you ask him the same?

If my DH asked for £1k days after another £1k I would certainly be asking him why he needed the money

Ukholidaysaregreat · 07/01/2021 17:45

He might just be spending money on shit. You said he spent £100 on tea from a supermarket. No way should that cost more than £20, even with a bottle of wine. Maybe he just spends money like water. Either way it is a dangerous way to live and I couldn't cope with the financial uncertainty.

Sorehandsandfeet · 07/01/2021 17:48

I don't know your backstory but this man is manipulating you terribly! You aren't even asking questions fgs! If this was my husband I would be asking all the questions! Those figures are out of control so I too would suspect gambling. One of my friends had a gambling problem and their husband had no clue until the debts were huge. He could easily hide addictions from you as you won't even ask questions about the obvious issues!
Also, beware that through these loans, most of which you will not get back, you are paying your way. By claiming that he will pay you back and saying that it is him that pays the bills, he is undermining your contribution, taking control of you and has all the appearance of bestowing you with his generosity. But, yet, you are out the money!

MrsMoastyToasty · 07/01/2021 17:55

If and when you get the money back put it somewhere where you have to give notice to withdraw funds. So next time he asks for money you can honestly say he's got to wait for it.

Then see how he reacts.
That will tell you all you need to know.

marshmallowfluffy · 07/01/2021 17:57

I hope that your name isn't on the bills. I'd be very concerned about the possibility that he's not paying them. Get your credit report and check that everything with your name on is being paid eg Council Tax

There's something very wrong here and it's only going to get worse. Best case scenario is that he's paying enough to keep the bailiffs away but I'd suspect drugs or gambling. Just because he declined a trip to Vegas doesn't mean he's anti-gambling. He might not want you to know about his relationship with gambling and going to Vegas is too tempting

LIZS · 07/01/2021 17:57

You do realise gambling can be online, gaming, bitcoins, stocks etc.

Original poster
RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 18:06

@Sorehandsandfeet I never asked as until late November everything was fine, I had my money he had his the bills were paid I thought everything was fine. When he asked me for the first 2k I didn't see it as a huge issue as he hasn't before and he paid it back within a week. But he's now asked 5 times in total in the last month not small amounts either. It's only when I've sat and thought about over the last few days what he's actually had in this year that it doesn't add up. I just didn't know whether it was really my business when we've both been comfortable all year so haven't had to discuss it before, it's new territory.

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ScaredOfDinosaurs · 07/01/2021 18:08

The other main option is cam girls. Do you think that could be a possibility?

Either way, stop handing over money if you don't know where it's going!

ilhahih · 07/01/2021 18:08

He's always hated gambling though, he's turned down vegas with me and his friends and doesn't even do the lottery so i really can't see it being that.

He's gambling.
I find that people who make a fuss saying they hate something often have a problem with it.
He didn't want to go to Vegas because he might have been trying to overcome an addiction and knew it would be a bad idea. Or he might not have wanted to go because he might have given himself away.

I don't know why you kept transferring him money without asking him how so much money disappeared in a week.

I think you should get out of this relationship and the sooner the better.

Nomoresleeps · 07/01/2021 18:11

What is his lifestyle like? Does he go out? Does he have any dodgy mates?

Tyredofallthis1 · 07/01/2021 18:11

He may never pay you the money back, especially if he thinks that you aren't going to give him any more. I believe (other wiser people may deny or confirm) that him owing you a significant chunk of money keeps you around, potentially adding more money to the amount owed, while you hang on to being repaid at some point.

It may be nothing so calculated, but would it be harder for you to make plans to leave without getting the money back?

How would you feel about writing off the money?

Original poster
RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 18:11

@MrsMoastyToasty That's such a good idea and I think I'll look into that tomorrow with the savings I have left, will also give me opportunity to ask him more and see the full extent of the desperation before actually parting with anything! Thank you!

@marshmallowfluffy no my name isn't on any of the bills, I keep an eye on my credit file and finances at all times, I've been broke before and really don't want to risk it again. I get notices if anything changes so all good there. He takes my card shopping sometimes but I get notifications on what's been spent or even if he was to check the balance (he never has) it would tell me. Think I'm just too nice/ giving when it comes to him and need to start being more assertive

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Beautiful3 · 07/01/2021 18:14

I think he is gambling. You need to get out of this relationship before he drains you financially. Stop lending money.

BrowncoatWaffles · 07/01/2021 18:19

If he’s self employed won’t he have a large tax bill due at the end of the month too? Watch out because if he’s burned through the money without saving to cover the income tax he’ll be asking you for that shortly too.

This would make me very nervous too.

Original poster
RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 18:21

@Nomoresleeps he drinks and smokes too much, he doesn't go out much if he does it's usually with me for brunches or nice dinners, he has a good lovely group of friends who are all financially comfortable through property etc (I think he maybe tries to live up to their lifestyle). It could be anything but my gut feeling is that he's just super super shit with money. He has a very well paid job so I think he's got used to billing a lot in at any one time and when it doesn't come (work has been hit and miss this year like for many) he continues to live the lifestyle. But for what we have bought to me the numbers don't add up and with what I know he has earned he should not only have £500 in his account (which was from me) so yeah I'm not blind the fact he could have some serious issue behind closed doors

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