Money issues HELP

[RebeccaPrice]

My SO and I have been together for almost 4 years, I moved in with him around a year ago. As his job is much more demanding and he earns a significant amount more than me, and has fairly small outgoings compared, we agreed that he would continue to pay the mortgage bills etc as he was before, and I would help out with shopping etc and pay for holidays. This would also allow me to build up a bit of a nest egg for security as moving in was a big step for me as I've previously been left homeless with nothing because of moving in with someone abusive.

This was going fine until I realised how irresponsible he is with money, since April he has managed to spend over 70k, we have been in a pandemic and so haven't been out much and I have fully paid for the 2 holidays we went on so I really don't know how he's managed it but also feel like because he covers the bills it's not something I can question him about as it's his money.

My issue though is that at the end of November he told me he had hit his overdraft limit and could he borrow money for a few days. I sent him 2k. He received 7.5k at the start of December and paid it back but then a week later says he has hit his overdraft again and could he borrow more. I sent him 1k to tide him over, I sent him another 1k last week that he asked for and then he turned around to me 2 days later asking for another 1k. I sent him 500 as I really wasn't comfortable with sending him more when he seems to be burning through it. I've just heard him on the phone to his friend saying how he's got £500 left and he's just come back from shopping and must have spent £100 on dinner for tonight and bottles of wine when I've said I'm running out too and we need to take it easy.

I actually have a lot more in savings but I don't want him to drain me out and then not get it back and I feel like he's still trying to have a lifestyle which we obviously can't afford it at the moment. I feel bad that he's struggling and is the main bill payer. Am I right to feel like this or am I being selfish and should I be giving him the money he's asking for when I'm essentially living in his house for free?

£70k since April?
And you haven’t asked what on?
That’s a phenomenal sum, if he doesn’t haven’t anything to show for it.
So it must be as others have suggested - gambling, drugs, debt.
Whatever though, you shouldn’t be bailing him out financially, particularly as you say his actions have left you homeless before.
I’d be leaving this relationship.

I hope you get your money back but I’d be surprised if you did.

I’d be off. This kind of spending would worry me. A lot.

Sorry for the multiple posts, but this thread is quite distressing.

In six weeks, you've handed over 4.5k. He's paid you back 2k, but it sounds like any minute now he'll be asking you for more.
And you feel as if you can't ask questions, such as:

• How is his business actually going? Have you seen evidence that he earns a significant amount more than you, or could it actually be in the toilet?
• Is the mortgage really being paid? Could he actually be underwater?
• Have utilities etc been paid, or are they in arrears?

$75k has disappeared in less than a year - this can only mean that he's spent it gambling or on other dodgy stuff; or he's an imminent bankrupt - please listen to EVERYONE here, don't give him any more of your hard earned money, and remove yourself from this living situation.

This is a very dodgy situation. As one with a reasonable grasp of how money wqorks yourself, you can't let yourself be piushed into a position where, because he pays the mortgage and bills, you're expected to be available as an INFINITE line of credit on tap for when he's too crap to cover costs.

It is really extraordinary just how crap some people can be with money. It's like a whole other world. I don't think you necessarily need to leave the relationship, but I can see two ways forward:

1. You separate finances completely, and make it clear you're not going to be able to lend him money when he needs it. He must have had some way of dealing with that before he had you to lean on, so he'll have to go back to that. Realistically, this probably means you'll have to move out and live separately, and would make it hard to move forward to thinking about marriage and children (if that's what you want).

1. You combine finances, and do it properly like a married couple where you hhave full input and can exercise some control. Put enough earnings into a joint account to cover bills. If his earnings are irregular that's fine; you just need to control how much can go out accordingly.

Anything else is going to be a lifetime of stress and worry.

There’s definitely something going on that isn’t legit. TBH even if you write off the 4,500, you’ve still done pretty well out of the set up so far. cutting your losses wouldn’t mean being significantly out of pocket.

At this rate he will: if he hasn’t already, be in arrears om his mortgage soon. I can not imagine what his business finances look like, going by the mess of his personal finances. Hitting his overdraft ceiling shouldn’t be a surprise and if it genuinely is, then he’s lost all control of his finances.

In order to get some resolution you are going to have to stop looking through rose tinted glasses.

Is he sniffing a lot? Does he have lots of colds, ear-aches? Is he hyper one minute, snappy the next or desperate and needy? Does he disappear and always have a valid excuse? Start to watch...

Or similar? Which as others are suggesting.

You are not reading what posters are suggesting. Where is all this money going? Where has your money gone? Where is he when he's not with you and what is he doing? How much time do you spend apart?

Time to line your ducks out and get to the root of what the hell is going on. You will not be the first person to discover things are not as they seem and you may be about to discover something very very serious is at play.. We are all here to support you as terrifying as that may seem..

Get the money back.

Then get out.

He’s not serious about you and he doesn’t care about you. You’re there because he likes a shag on tap, he knows you’re an easy one to manipulate and he can get rid of you at any time and you will just accept being kicked out like a puppy.

Good god, he made you homeless last time and you’ve just gone back on exactly the same terms and started meekly handing over thousands? No wonder he can’t help smirking at the thought of it.

And if you are daft enough to carry on if he pays it back and makes promises, make sure that next time he wants £2k just like that - you smile and say no problem, then you do it by bank transfer and you Mark it ‘mortgage payment’. 🙂

@Grimsknee Absolutely! I have experienced this year and realised and found out things about someone that I did not realise was so bad until they had to be around us more and certain individuals got involved with one another, and money was being borrowed, asking for amounts like 5k! And realised how much debt they must be in, how little money they have, and though it's never been admitted to but they've also never denied it, lots of signs and obvious ones too, that cocaine is clearly an issue.

@FifteenToes OP doesn't need to leave the relationship, you are kidding right?! I haven't read the previous post that some are referring to, and would like to know how you do that on here anyway.
But it is clear he put OP in quite a position last time, and now again with what is currently happening.

Hi All, thank you all so much for your responses (some more brutal than others but appreciated all the same!) I feel very trapped right now as I know something isn't right hence making the post in the first place but I find it very hard to separate myself from him for good so simply 'just leaving' isn't an option for me right now. I think some of you realised this when you see how defensive I am of him even when I know he's in the wrong... That might be weak and yes I'm stupid for staying but I know I would end up back here in the long run because he has so much hold over me. I know I'm not in a good situation and my plan is to spend the next few weeks really trying to change my mindset and see him for what he is while also trying to get the 2.5k he still owes me back. Once lockdown has been lifted I'm hoping to have a get out plan ready with or without the money. Wish me luck & thank you again... :)

It will be “hard” to leave. It will be “hard” to stay and live with this horrible dynamic. Choose your “hard”.

@NotaCoolMum totally, I've left before I can do it again. I just need to do it for good and not even allow him to contact me and get in my head again. He's just poured a large G&T and not even 11am, he hasn't drank gin all year or this early so I know something isn't right. I feel this is all going to go downhill very quickly.

OP so glad to hear you've got a plan. If it's helpful in changing your mindset, keep posting here for support.... is there anyone in real life you can confide in?

@Grimsknee Thank you. I have family and friends but I've shared quite a lot in the past and now I know I've brushed a lot under the carpet to save their comments or hating him or their disapproval. This post has been a breath of fresh air to be honest and I think I've been lying to myself for a long time, just because he hasn't been doing the awful things he was before doesn't mean he's necessarily been nice or good to me it's just not as obvious. I think it's time I'm honest and allow them to help/support me out of this for good.

Gin at 11am is not a good sign. I think you need a serious conversation about what's going on with him. He sounds like he's in trouble, tbh.

@NoSquirrels the man has a history of mistreating and gaslighting OP. He might be in trouble but it's not her job to fix it!

He will eventually bleed you dry, you need to make plans to leave him on his payday. Ask him for you 2.5k when he gets paid and then leave.

JUST BECAUSE HE ASKS FOR MONEY DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU HAVE TO OBLIGE

Ask to see his business accounts.
Ask under what terms he invoices his customers. Is he bad at credit control?
Look his business up on the Companies House website.

[quote Grimsknee]@NoSquirrels the man has a history of mistreating and gaslighting OP. He might be in trouble but it's not her job to fix it![/quote]
I never said it was!

But if the aim is to get her money back, and now he’s drinking in the day, I’d say that’s a perfect opening to ask what on earth is going on - and making quicker plans to leave depending on the answer.

You don't need to wait until after lockdown to leave an abusive relationship, it is specifically excepted. He could well have bled you dry by then, especially if he has an inkling that you plan to go.

If it's not gambling or coke then I can't think how else he would be spending that amount of money each month without you seeing what it's for

With mine it was prostitutes, to the tune of 10s of 1000s - as well as paying for the sex they were blackmailing him

Only you can make the decision, OP, but I'm afraid that saying leaving isn't an option" is unwise in the extreme. You know it's going to happen sooner or later, so you might as well do it while still solvent

You know you have to leave
Forget about the money - you’ll never see it

OP - tax deadlines are looming and I'm worried he will pressure you into 'lending' money for them.

Please look up his business on the companies house website - filings are public for limited companies and if he has been filing (as he is legally obliged to annually) you should be able to get an idea of the numbers for previous years.

Another poster a week or so ago found out her husband had registered her as director of his company without her knowledge, as he had previously been struck off, making her liable for the business' activity.

I wouldn't trust your bloke at all. He's proven himself to be selfish, reckless and untrustworthy.

Please check out companies house today and I really think you should consider leaving ASAP - I would write off the money he owed me IF I thought getting it back would take months of living with a man like him. If he's burning through money at that rate then a crash is coming and you don't want to be around for that.

It's gambling, coke, other drugs, prostitutes, or mountains of secret debt. There's no other explanation for that amount of money disappearing and him being desperate to borrow.

Are any of those reasons acceptable to you? Do any of them make him a suitable candidate as a partner or father? I'm sure the answer is no. I hope so anyway.

If he is this bad in his personal life, believe me his business finances will be in chaos. I believe he is taking too much money from the business, is getting loans to tide over payments such as tax and to pay creditors. Jeez get out while you can.