Money issues HELP

[RebeccaPrice]

My SO and I have been together for almost 4 years, I moved in with him around a year ago. As his job is much more demanding and he earns a significant amount more than me, and has fairly small outgoings compared, we agreed that he would continue to pay the mortgage bills etc as he was before, and I would help out with shopping etc and pay for holidays. This would also allow me to build up a bit of a nest egg for security as moving in was a big step for me as I've previously been left homeless with nothing because of moving in with someone abusive.

This was going fine until I realised how irresponsible he is with money, since April he has managed to spend over 70k, we have been in a pandemic and so haven't been out much and I have fully paid for the 2 holidays we went on so I really don't know how he's managed it but also feel like because he covers the bills it's not something I can question him about as it's his money.

My issue though is that at the end of November he told me he had hit his overdraft limit and could he borrow money for a few days. I sent him 2k. He received 7.5k at the start of December and paid it back but then a week later says he has hit his overdraft again and could he borrow more. I sent him 1k to tide him over, I sent him another 1k last week that he asked for and then he turned around to me 2 days later asking for another 1k. I sent him 500 as I really wasn't comfortable with sending him more when he seems to be burning through it. I've just heard him on the phone to his friend saying how he's got £500 left and he's just come back from shopping and must have spent £100 on dinner for tonight and bottles of wine when I've said I'm running out too and we need to take it easy.

I actually have a lot more in savings but I don't want him to drain me out and then not get it back and I feel like he's still trying to have a lifestyle which we obviously can't afford it at the moment. I feel bad that he's struggling and is the main bill payer. Am I right to feel like this or am I being selfish and should I be giving him the money he's asking for when I'm essentially living in his house for free?

I hear you OP, that you don't feel ready to leave. But I fear that if you stay longer you won't be able to say no to his money demands. You really need distance between him. Especially before he starts pushing for money to pay his tax. He'll promise to pay you back, he needs it for the mortgage, he needs it for his kids, yeah blah blah blah. None of that is your problem. Can you invent a reason why you need to stay with a family member for the next few weeks? To care for them and they are worried about Covid. It will get you a little space. I'd hate to see you penniless and homeless in a couple of months.

I moved in with him around a year ago. As his job is much more demanding and he earns a significant amount more than me, and has fairly small outgoings compared, we agreed that he would continue to pay the mortgage bills etc as he was before, and I would help out with shopping etc and pay for holidays
And you both view yourselves as adults???

He's taking the piss out of you now because YOU have put yourself in a position where he can now use guilt, emotional blackmail and coercion on you.

I don't understand why you thought it was ok for you to essentially live for free in the house?
Just cos he earns loads doesn't mean he owes you a free/cushy ride.
You should have been paying a proportional amount towards the bills at least if not a nominal amount as 'rent'....
He is now using that 'free/cushy ride' to rinse you for the money he thinks you 'owe' him.

Find your self respect and get out before he leaves you penniless like before.

It's not like I sponge of him though I pay my way where he will let me!
Are you a child that needs his permission??? I think you doth protest too much.....
Admit the truth - it felt good to have someone else take on the financial burden/responsibility and you were hoping it would always be like that.

@monkeymonkey2010 I haven’t lived for free though, it was our arrangement that he would continue to pay the mortgage which is very small amount anyway (cheaper than renting a room in London!) and I would help out with shopping and pay for the holidays, the 2 holidays that I paid for this year amounted to more than if I had split the mortgage with him for the course of the year. We don’t count pounds, I have spent throughout the year on bits for the house and clothes etc for him and he has done the same for me. Also, I’m not a child, but when we are out together he will never let me pay for things it’s not a case of getting permission or me after a free ride that’s just how he is.
If you read the original thread I just asked for some advice on whether it was right for me to be anxious about situation which has come to light over the last month.. not to be torn to shreds on my living arrangement.

[quote RebeccaPrice]@monkeymonkey2010 I haven’t lived for free though, it was our arrangement that he would continue to pay the mortgage which is very small amount anyway (cheaper than renting a room in London!) and I would help out with shopping and pay for the holidays, the 2 holidays that I paid for this year amounted to more than if I had split the mortgage with him for the course of the year. We don’t count pounds, I have spent throughout the year on bits for the house and clothes etc for him and he has done the same for me. Also, I’m not a child, but when we are out together he will never let me pay for things it’s not a case of getting permission or me after a free ride that’s just how he is.
If you read the original thread I just asked for some advice on whether it was right for me to be anxious about situation which has come to light over the last month.. not to be torn to shreds on my living arrangement.[/quote]
Right, okay so now you explain it like that, then you are more than equal with him, and mortgage is not more than the cost of a room in London, well what room, I had one that was £380 a month, but then others I know had one for £500,750, etc, still that is good as you say.
So why on earth have you handed over so much money to him, don't get me wrong, I have been there, but a couple of thousand which I had to pay in to official accounts as it was to do with his visa, is a bit different to handing over copious amounts of money with no bloody clue what it is being spent on, is another story!
Unless things are worse than he has let on and there is debt, then something else is not right, surely you know this? I mean 70k in one year?!

Do not lend anymore money !

Tell him you are paying into a pension or some other savings

Gamblers never stop

Save up & get out !

Please get your money back ASAP and leave. You can get a lot of high quality therapy with that £2,500 and it will help you to avoid being in such thrall to him that you transfer him thousands without asking a question.

Something happened like this to my sister.

All I can ask you to think about are these things:

Have you taken into account that all his money is put towards the mortgage which helps him own a home? that home is an investment...your money is going towards all the things that aren’t an investment.

Do you do much of the domestic work? Cleaning, cooking, and that type of thing? That is labor is worth something! Women short change themselves with this all the time...

Have you thought about how truly weird it is that he asks for money in such a shady way? With his next ask you can’t sit him down and tell him your concerns?

If you can’t tell him your concerns then you have to go. That’s not a good relationship or living situation. You have a right to question things that are abnormal... I know it’s hard.. but at least browse and think of what you might do if you left... please.

What lessons did you learn about yourself after your last relationship?

You slept-walked yourself into a vulnerable position. The financial construction you entered into whereby you contribute almost the same in family finances but have none of the recognition, has brought you here.

This man doesn’t have a hold over you, that’s an excuse to justify and excuse the position you put yourself in. His precarious financial position and by extension yours too, is not going to resolve itself. Waiting around and being complicit in the further squandering of your savings is not a smart choice but it is a choice.

The ‘nice’ lifestyle that you had in the past, doesn’t count for shit when your relationship dynamic doesn’t have the foundations to weather difficult financial times.