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Original poster

Money issues HELP

133 replies

RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 16:01

My SO and I have been together for almost 4 years, I moved in with him around a year ago. As his job is much more demanding and he earns a significant amount more than me, and has fairly small outgoings compared, we agreed that he would continue to pay the mortgage bills etc as he was before, and I would help out with shopping etc and pay for holidays. This would also allow me to build up a bit of a nest egg for security as moving in was a big step for me as I've previously been left homeless with nothing because of moving in with someone abusive.

This was going fine until I realised how irresponsible he is with money, since April he has managed to spend over 70k, we have been in a pandemic and so haven't been out much and I have fully paid for the 2 holidays we went on so I really don't know how he's managed it but also feel like because he covers the bills it's not something I can question him about as it's his money.

My issue though is that at the end of November he told me he had hit his overdraft limit and could he borrow money for a few days. I sent him 2k. He received 7.5k at the start of December and paid it back but then a week later says he has hit his overdraft again and could he borrow more. I sent him 1k to tide him over, I sent him another 1k last week that he asked for and then he turned around to me 2 days later asking for another 1k. I sent him 500 as I really wasn't comfortable with sending him more when he seems to be burning through it. I've just heard him on the phone to his friend saying how he's got £500 left and he's just come back from shopping and must have spent £100 on dinner for tonight and bottles of wine when I've said I'm running out too and we need to take it easy.

I actually have a lot more in savings but I don't want him to drain me out and then not get it back and I feel like he's still trying to have a lifestyle which we obviously can't afford it at the moment. I feel bad that he's struggling and is the main bill payer. Am I right to feel like this or am I being selfish and should I be giving him the money he's asking for when I'm essentially living in his house for free?

OP posts:
LIZS · 07/01/2021 16:36

You are looking for excuses rather than reasons.

Lucieintheskye · 07/01/2021 16:37

There's definitely something more to this OP. Could he have upped his child payments to support their other parent?

Him burning through the money you've given him so quickly is concerning. As well as the fact he clearly has a great salary but runs out of it so quickly and has to turn to you. If bills are paid and you pay for food, what could he possibly need to borrow thousands of pounds for?

Sit down with him and say you want to sort out a budget for this year to make sure you're using money wisely and plan to get something nice for yourselves. If he says no, or starts acting shifty about sharing financial details with you, I'd be concerned. Be outright about your financial worries and make it clear you're concerned why this money disappears so quickly.

Original poster
RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 16:38

@Lemonpiano I've just re-read it and wow. We had sorted out all the other issues, this year has been amazing for us. It's just been this in the last month. But maybe the honeymoon period is over and things will start deteriorating again. GAH

OP posts:
PinkPandaBear · 07/01/2021 16:39

Stop sending money! He probably has a gambling or drug problem. I would’ve moved out by now.

blueangel19 · 07/01/2021 16:41

What is pressing here is what does he spends the money on? You can help him but eventually he may demand more and you would be much worst. I assume you want to help him so start by seeing how he is spending and why? If it is in silly things may be ok with a conversation and take it from there. If it is addiction or gambling you are in a much bigger problem. May be you should offer to pay something for rent and bills so that is equal and that way he should also commit to a set monthly budget. Good luck!!!

notinthiseconomy · 07/01/2021 16:46

I've previously been left homeless with nothing because of moving in with someone abusive

Has this happened to you twice or is this the same person?

2bazookas · 07/01/2021 16:46

Is it gambling or drugs? Better ask.

NoSquirrels · 07/01/2021 16:48

The issue isn't really what he's spending it on

It is, though.

Because if my DH needed to borrow £4,500 from me within 6 weeks, I'd NEED to know what he had spent it on.

There is no way on God's green earth, regardless of who paid the bills, that I would be handing over my money without knowing what he needed it for.

Original poster
RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 16:48

@notinthiseconomy same person. I'm going to sound ultra stupid when I say he's changed.. but it has been different. No BS at all

OP posts:
Original poster
RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 16:51

@NoSquirrels I guess so, I mean it in a sense that I don't want to control him or what he spends his money on. But yes when it's now my money I am concerned. Just fell selfish that I'm worrying about if/how I'll get it back instead of prioritising his struggles if that makes sense when he is the bill payer... It's not like I sponge of him though I pay my way where he will let me!

OP posts:
LIZS · 07/01/2021 16:51

[quote RebeccaPrice]@notinthiseconomy same person. I'm going to sound ultra stupid when I say he's changed.. but it has been different. No BS at all[/quote]
Of course Hmm he is playing you. You do realise you have paid his child support last month, do you do childcare for him when he has them over, clean, cook, buy food ...? Yet he could kick you out tomorrow.

Original poster
RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 16:53

@LIZS do you think that's why he doesn't let me pay the bills etc, so I wouldn't have a leg to stand on if it came to him suddenly kicking me out?
I thought he was just trying to help me feel safe & secure in our plans

OP posts:
LIZS · 07/01/2021 16:54

[quote RebeccaPrice]@LIZS do you think that's why he doesn't let me pay the bills etc, so I wouldn't have a leg to stand on if it came to him suddenly kicking me out?
I thought he was just trying to help me feel safe & secure in our plans[/quote]
Probably, you have no stake in your home but are good enough for cash handouts.

Bananalanacake · 07/01/2021 16:56

Does he pay you back. Do you keep a record of what he owes you.

Original poster
RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 16:57

@LIZS thank you. So glad I spoke up about this as it's really opened my eyes on the bigger picture here. I think my plan will be to get the money back and get out. I can't go on feeling like this or worrying about his excessive finance issues when there are genuine people struggling so much right now.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 07/01/2021 16:57

I sent him 1k to tide him over, I sent him another 1k last week that he asked for and then he turned around to me 2 days later asking for another 1k.

When he asked 2 days later, did you ask him what had happened to the 1k you just sent him?

I would be asking to see his most recent bank statement before you sent anything further. Yes, he has a right to privacy, but I'd want to be sure he's paying all the bills that he says he is...

Original poster
RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 17:00

@LannieDuck No, I sent him it on the Monday, he woke me up at 7am on Wednesday and smirked and said he'd hit his overdraft again and doesn't have enough to cover what's coming out. He showed me the text from his bank and I know he's stressed as the drinking has increased

OP posts:
NotStayingIn · 07/01/2021 17:07

Are you sure he isn't just moving the money you gave him into a different account so he can then claim to be needing more again?

To put it very bluntly, he sounds dodgy as fuck.

LannieDuck · 07/01/2021 17:08

Did he say what he'd spent the 1k on?

Original poster
RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 17:09

@NotStayingIn I don't think so as he's also emails his bank today asking for an overdraft increase.

@LannieDuck not specifically but I assumed it would be for the mortgage and bill which come out at the start of the month so didn't ask

OP posts:
letsnotscaretheneighbours · 07/01/2021 17:10

He sounds like a catch. You are in a very precarious position. You need to leave whether you get that money back or not, but I'd definitely be telling him I needed it back next payday.

He 'smirked' when he told you he needed cash? I'd have told him I didn't have it to give. He thinks he has you round his finger.

Original poster
RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 17:14

@letsnotscaretheneighbours yeah I guess so, I think because he gets paid when he bills his work here and there so there's no specific date it makes it harder to know when to expect it back, he did give me the first 2k back though as soon as he got money so that why I didn't mind sending him money again. But the last time he asked I sent him 500 instead of 1k as I didn't want to part with 3k over a matter of 2 weeks.. something didn't feel right

OP posts:
YellowBeryl · 07/01/2021 17:15

If he is bad with money he will always be bad with money. If you can't handle it you need to leave. Good Luck .

Rudolphian · 07/01/2021 17:16

Why cant you just tell him you havnt got any money left.
So when he asks you for 1k say you dont have any?

letsnotscaretheneighbours · 07/01/2021 17:18

@RebeccaPrice honestly I've been you. I divorced the fucker in the end because he was crippling me financially. Got a message from his current partner a few months ago. He's fucked her over financially and in an IVA which means in the 5 years since we've divorced he's caned over 200k on crap.

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