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Original poster

Money issues HELP

133 replies

RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 16:01

My SO and I have been together for almost 4 years, I moved in with him around a year ago. As his job is much more demanding and he earns a significant amount more than me, and has fairly small outgoings compared, we agreed that he would continue to pay the mortgage bills etc as he was before, and I would help out with shopping etc and pay for holidays. This would also allow me to build up a bit of a nest egg for security as moving in was a big step for me as I've previously been left homeless with nothing because of moving in with someone abusive.

This was going fine until I realised how irresponsible he is with money, since April he has managed to spend over 70k, we have been in a pandemic and so haven't been out much and I have fully paid for the 2 holidays we went on so I really don't know how he's managed it but also feel like because he covers the bills it's not something I can question him about as it's his money.

My issue though is that at the end of November he told me he had hit his overdraft limit and could he borrow money for a few days. I sent him 2k. He received 7.5k at the start of December and paid it back but then a week later says he has hit his overdraft again and could he borrow more. I sent him 1k to tide him over, I sent him another 1k last week that he asked for and then he turned around to me 2 days later asking for another 1k. I sent him 500 as I really wasn't comfortable with sending him more when he seems to be burning through it. I've just heard him on the phone to his friend saying how he's got £500 left and he's just come back from shopping and must have spent £100 on dinner for tonight and bottles of wine when I've said I'm running out too and we need to take it easy.

I actually have a lot more in savings but I don't want him to drain me out and then not get it back and I feel like he's still trying to have a lifestyle which we obviously can't afford it at the moment. I feel bad that he's struggling and is the main bill payer. Am I right to feel like this or am I being selfish and should I be giving him the money he's asking for when I'm essentially living in his house for free?

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 07/01/2021 18:22

So he has form for over spending and he was the reason you were made homeless last time?! Seriously, why haven't you learned your lesson? Get away from him. Even a bedsit alone is better than being with him, and risking homelessness again.

Original poster
RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 18:22

@BrowncoatWaffles yeah that will be the next thing.. and I really don't want to be roped into that

OP posts:
Candleabra · 07/01/2021 18:23

That's a huge amount of money. £2k is my take home pay each month, to sustain me and the children, has to cover absolutely everything. And I'm aware that's a decent salary. It's crazy to be throwing this much money away on this man. He definitely has problems, but they don't have to be your problems too. I hope you can get out of this relationship, it's sounds very bad for you.

pinkandstripey · 07/01/2021 18:31

Money doesn't just evaporate, he is spending £000's and has nothing tangible to show for it.

Either he's spending vast quantities of money on intangible/consumable things - gambling, porn, drugs, OR he is literally taking your money off you and keeping it for himself.

Original poster
RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 18:32

@Candleabra I know, my salary isn't far off that either! I'm far from well of or anything like that. The only reason I've managed to get so much together is because he's been sorting the bills and I've been saving bar shopping trips and a couple of holidays! which is why I feel bad for being upset that he's asking for money when I've barely had to pay for anything all year. But that was his suggestion and his choice and he shouldn't be any where near broke!! I've offered him money plenty of times which he's always turned down. I just don't get why now all the money he's had in has suddenly gone with no evidence to his spending and if I'm in the right to be upset by it or have the right to question him over it

OP posts:
JustAnotherUserinParadise · 07/01/2021 18:37

I'm really worried that you're not goign to get this money back OP... did he say a date or anything to pay you back?

Original poster
RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 18:46

@JustAnotherUserinParadise No but as he's self employed he doesn't have specific dates for payments, it's just when he has enough work to bill. So probably a good sign he's not making false promises. The first 2k he paid back within a week which is why I didn't have a problem with lending him more, but it just seems to have been a lot in a short amount of time when we haven't done anything because of lockdowns etc and haven't made any big purchases!

OP posts:
Itsybitsydooda · 07/01/2021 18:55

@BrowncoatWaffles

If he’s self employed won’t he have a large tax bill due at the end of the month too? Watch out because if he’s burned through the money without saving to cover the income tax he’ll be asking you for that shortly too.

This would make me very nervous too.

Exactly this. Do not give him anymore money and try to get what he owes you back asap. Self Assessment is due to be submitted and paid by Jan 31st.
Standrewsschool · 07/01/2021 19:06

I think you have a couple of options.

  1. Total transparency - get copies of all bank statements, credit card statements and see where the money is going. Then use a budget planner and work out a plan going forward. Eg. Move credit card debt to a cheaper loan.

budget planner

Maybe you can use your previous situation as the reason for doing this. Explain you need to know where this money is going as he has asked to borrow a huge amount and you want to help him sort his finances out.

  1. cut your losses and run. As a previous poster said, if he’s bad with money he’s always likely to be bad with money.

He has spent an awful lot of money, with nothing to show for it.

Dropdeadfred2 · 07/01/2021 19:19

I think he paid you the first £2k back to lull you into a false sense of security so he could then ask for more knowing he wouldn't pay it back....sorry

Original poster
RebeccaPrice · 07/01/2021 19:24

@Dropdeadfred2 as much as I'm agreeing with you in my gut I soooo hope that wasn't his plan. If it is then thank god I haven't and won't give him more

OP posts:
HaveITheRightToHoldYou · 07/01/2021 21:11

I don’t think you will get the money back.

How will he pay you when he is skint? I imagine he will point out that he pays the mortgage and bills to get out of giving any back.

letsnotscaretheneighbours · 07/01/2021 21:37

I cannot stress this enough. He will not change. Get out ASAP.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/01/2021 21:42

something didn't feel right ...

You don't say Hmm

OP, you keep saying you "didn't ask", "didn't want to quiz him" and similar, and in view of what you said on the earlier thread I've only one question ...

Why not?

DianaT1969 · 07/01/2021 22:32

I also think he paid you back the first £2k to lull you into a false sense of security. It worked. For the first half of the thread you were in denial repeating "but he paid me back". You also don't see the disparity between him being able to quiz you on where your money is - but you don't feel you can ask him. Even though he owes you a lot of money. Stop feeling beholden to him because he paid the mortgage and utilities. The mortgage will benefit him. 100% him. Utilities are cheaper than food these days.
Plus you threw in 2 holidays.
Don't hang around. Get out now and your own place. This is not working. I'm also concerned that you say he's in a lot of personal debt (£1k per month minimum repayment to a cc is a lot) plus, he has a business debt. If he has tax to pay too, yet no money this week, he'll need a lot of customers to pay up to survive.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/01/2021 23:01

Please, please don't stick around for TAX time OP. It's looming and if he's burning through money at that rate he's not going to be in any place to pay what he owes and you'll be first in his list of people to 'borrow' from.

You say confidently it's not gambling but him being so resistant to Vegas made me think the opposite - that he didn't want to go as he knows he has an issue with it.

If it's not gambling or coke then I can't think how else he would be spending that amount of money each month without you seeing what it's for, unless it's going to loan sharks, debt collectors, above board loan repayments.

Either way, is this really someone you want to be with for the rest of your life? I read your previous thread. Some of the things he said to you, repeatedly, about going through a painful and devastating experience were fucking unforgivable. He is a horrible person. Nobody decent would have behaved how he did.

Please do yourself a huge favour and walk away, even if it means starting again, again.

Redruby2020 · 07/01/2021 23:08

@RebeccaPrice Don't keep going on about him being the bill payer, as you are paying your way, and despite what he pays for, that is not then a reason why he can take plenty off of you.

pinkandstripey · 07/01/2021 23:35

Another thought about him not wanting to go to Vegas - is it possible that he has a criminal record? The rehabilitation of offenders act does not apply to the USA, and he may be able to get a visa. I appreciate this is a leap, but it went through my head.

pinkandstripey · 07/01/2021 23:35

Unable to get a visa

MrsRockAndRoll · 08/01/2021 01:20

Agree with k the PPs, he sounds visible & manipulative (have not red your other treads). Get out of thrlatioshop

8obbingabout · 08/01/2021 01:35

Poor you OP - He is burning through money at an alarming rate and I would want to know what he is spending it on especially if he is asking you for the money. Something most defiantly doesn't seem right at all.

I’d try and get your money back and leave. I just cant see this ending well.

If you need an out next time someone asks you for money I’d tell them that all your savings are committed in a savings account which you currently cant access for a period of time.

FinallyFluid · 08/01/2021 01:54

It is going one of three places...…..

Up his nose

Up his arm

To his accountant....(turf that is)

Get some self respect right now.

Rainbowqueeen · 08/01/2021 01:57

Op you need to leave this relationship. By all means ask for the money back but plan to go regardless. I don’t think you will see a penny sorry to say
Don’t tell him you are leaving, ask for the money back and carry on with leaving plans. If you have to go without it, so be it. Better than losing all your savings.
A decent person would ask for money and tell you what it was for. If it was for living expenses they would borrow the bare minimum and cut back until they repaid you. This guy is a fraudster who feels entitled to every penny you have. Get out now before you are homeless again

Grimsknee · 08/01/2021 02:24

OP, previous posters are spot on with asking why he feels entitled to ask for "loans" from you, but you feel you aren't able to ask him what the loans are for.
He sounds like he's cleverly made you feel secure by (saying he'll be) taking care of the mortgage and bills etc so you can hang on to your own savings because that's important to you given your history... then, once you feel secure, asking you for massive sums of money that you're expected to hand over no questions asked!
You're vulnerable - please stop giving him money that he never pays back, cut your losses, and leave!

Grimsknee · 08/01/2021 02:33

Holy shit OP, is this post about the same man you wrote a post about in 2019??
The one twice your age who
cheated on you (because he was jealous of your puppy??),
dumped you for talking to other men in retaliation then begged to get you back,
kept your engagement secret from his family and friends,
treated you "like a child" even though you did all the housework etc,
the one who you "felt miserable" about.... ?

You asked for advice on that thread, the advice was Red Flags, Run a Mile, He's Groomed you.

You're still there, and everyone's again advising you Red Flags, Run a Mile, He's Groomed you.

Listen to the advice OP!!

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