Leaving Dp off birth certificate?

[Cyber27]

I would like to know if I'm being unreasonable to not add my 3mo fathers name to his birth certificate. Has anyone else been in a similar situations and what would you do.

Here's some back ground information. Me and dp have been together for about 2.5 years. The relationship has been quite difficult and I have tried to leave several times but always end up forgiving dp.

During my pregnancy dp messed up quite bad (won't go into details but it involved dp breaking some of my things). I went away for a month or so and stayed with family. I forgave him and we decided to try and make things work for the sake of our child.

Since then many of the things dp promised to do/change he hasn't done and I feel the relationship is coming to an end for good.

2 weeks before Christmas I dumped him and took ds and stayed at my parents for a week as I didn't like the way he was speaking to/treating ds. Like an idiot I went back to him as I wanted to give ds at least one Christmas where his family were together.

My parents are adamant I should leave dp off the birth certificate and only add him once he can prove he is a responsible loving parent. The only reason dp is currently not on birth certificate is because we are waiting for our appointment later in January due to covid delaying registering. Had ds birth been registered straight after he was born dp would probably have been added to the birth certificate.

My main reason for wanting to leave him off is because I have no doubt if things go south between me and dp he will try to get custody. Dp has also asked that I write up and sign a formal agreement and take it to a lawyer basically stating that I will never take ds out of the country permenantly without dp permission even if we split. Dp has already stated he would not give permission.

This is a problem for me as I have lots of family abroad who have offered for me to move to their countries (although I'm not planning to). I intend on getting a nursing degree in the next few years and employment and education opportunities abroad seem very enticing. Sometimes I think I could give ds a much better life abroad.

Being adopted myself and having never seen my original birth certificate the idea that a fathers name should be on a birth certificate feels quite morally important to me (except in abusive situations obvs) . I know if I do not add it dp will feel severely betrayed and I fear he may try to take some sort of legal action in the future. I also worry that by not adding him it will remove any trust we have left between us and make co parenting a lot harder with dp. He will never trust me in the future. however I also feel that if we do split for good I would limiting my opportunities massively by adding dp name. Dp can often be quite irrational and paranoid and I worry that he will come out with all sorts of crazy things in an attempt to control mine and ds life after we split if his name is on birth certificate.

What do I do? I really worry that his family (who i get along with nicely and are very supportive) will see this as some sort of total betrayal and that i would be denying that dp is the father even though we all know he is and I would never try to convince anyone he wasn't.

I presume the delay so far in registering your baby is because of Covid, and since we've just gone into lockdown again presume there'll be more delays still to come. So the birth registration isn't your most pressing problem, which is clearly getting out of this abusive relationship. You're right that you seem to have normalised the behaviour you're living with, because it really is very abusive, in between the threats to the baby and the aggressive control of your contact with family and friends. I think you need to leave asap and go to your parents, and if it's at all possible I would be thinking about leaving the country for a while with DS as soon as you're able to register him, get a passport and travel. There's nothing to stop you coming back and doing the retraining you're planning in due course, but I think you need to be out of this man's orbit for the time being, given the history. With that in mind, you need to leave him off the birth certificate and give him your name, as you may have difficulty doing all of that otherwise. There are other ways to ensure the parentage information is known from a historical or personal perspective, but your and your baby's safety are more important right now.

If he is as bad as these lists suggest, I think the first priority should be to leave him and make sure you and the baby are safe.

The issue of birth certificate and surname are surely secondary.

Report him to the police for the abuse and he should be removed from your property for long enough to give you time to get protective orders in place

He can get a DNA and force it.

You'd be better focussing on sorting yourself out by leaving properly instead 9f back and forward and confusing your child.

Its not just a piece of paper, OP, it is a way for him to be in your life forever. And if you've left him twice, it's for a reason. I assume he is abusive from what you've said in you post. And people have this idea that a child should have 2 parents no matter what. That's not true or responsible. Some parents are so deeply inappropriate for the job of being a parent that its not better for them to be in a child's life, its actually damaging. I suggest doing the pragmatic thing, not the "fairytale" thing. Life is real, not an idea.

I left my dd's father's name off her birth certificate for similar reasons to yours and my dd has always understood why and agreed with my reasons. She has a very good relationship with him now

@An0n0n0n

He can get a DNA and force it.

Doesn't mean he will.

@An0n0n0n

He can get a DNA and force it.

You'd be better focussing on sorting yourself out by leaving properly instead 9f back and forward and confusing your child.

Yes he can but that means going to court.

The immediate concern is registering the birth and for the OP and her baby to get the hell away from this bloke.

OP, he sounds dangerous to you and your child. Can you get social services involved, or call the police next time he threatens you? I would definitely leave him and keep him away from the baby, making it clear that his aggression and threats are a risk to the baby.

I would leave his name off the birth certificate. Maybe he could get a DNA test done to prove his paternity -- but would he bother when he realises he would be expected to pay money to support his child?

@PriceEmUp

Do shut the fuck up. Abusive men should always be on the BC? Men who leave when you are 2 months pregnant because they don't want "a particular of that shit" should always be on the BC? Fuck right off.

This is about protecting a child. Not having some ridiculous, immature fetishism for an "ideal family"

@thedancingbear

FGS. Your child's birth certificate is not a stick to beat your partner with.

People are calling her partner abusive but there's little in her posts that makes it clear this is the case. If the relationship is abusive then she needs to get out of there asap, of course, but we shouldn't assume this is the case.

Shouted at and threatened a newborn. Thrown things around the op in anger. Taken/smashed up her phone to prevent her communicating with her family. Makes threats about her child’s future - that she will never be able to take him out of the country etc. How could you NOT call that abusive? Which single part of that is not unacceptable on its own?!!

You should call women’s aid and start telling them what he has done, as he doesn’t sound fit to care for a baby on his own. Do not put him on the birth certificate- sure he can go to the courts but as others point out this will mean a reasonable agreement is put in place instead of his paranoid control freak plans, and importantly it will mean a delay during whcih your baby gets to grow bigger, less extremely fragile, and better able to communicate. Don’t give him opportunities to take the baby, but if you do and he takes the baby (given ex says he kidnapped their child) if he’s not on the bc you can call the police. If he is it’s much much harder to get your baby back. Please make your plans to leave asap.

@Cyber27

Are you leaving today then?

Please leave. Go to your parents now. Flats, clothes, stuff can all be sorted out later.
Call SS, your HV, woman's aid - they will all help you.
But first, get out of there.

I will go against the mn majority and say except in cases of domestic abuse, a fathers name should alwaya fo on the birth certificate its the childs right to have a formal legal document with both parents on it. The custody thing is a red herring as he can just take you to court for dna and get put on it that way which makes you seem like the awkward one.

I take threads that significantly turn around with a huge pinch of salt.

He 2as a devoted dad in the first thread and OP main concern was about being able to move abroad.

A few posts further down, fueled by heated responses and he's become a drug addict, abusive, dangerous an, by which of course everyone is going to respond that she should run away and never let her chd have any contact.

Mmmm....

To update i agree with op in ops situation i would leave her abusive p off it and let him fork out for court if he wants. I mean in general i hate women leaving the dads name off for no good reason.

But in reply to the 1st page, why shouldn't a dad have a say in his child being moved abroad?

Theres so many variations of things to agree/disagree with.

@MunaZaldrizoti Oh dear.. that language.
You’ve given me a good giggle than you for that.

@Takemetothebar

OP why are you worrying about a birth certificate? Why on earth did you get into a relationship and stay in a relationship with a drug abusing aggressive man? When you found out he had supposedly kidnapped a child why on earth did you not stop having sex, or use protection, or run away?!

Before thinking about your nursing career and living abroad you should be ringing the police and social services and leaving.

Don’t put him on the birth certificate, but moreover stop making awful decisions and do the right thing for you and your child. You know how awful this man is, you’ve seen it for yourself and been told about it, and you’ve felt it bad enough to leave before. When you chose to return before, that was your choice. Now you are returning and staying with someone threatening to murder your child.

This post, like many others, shows entirely why DV is so prevalent and pervasive. You are helping no one with your bullshit victim blaming spiel, except the abusers. Next time, read a little before posting on a thread about abuse. Or better yet, leave it to those of us who actually know what we speak of - whose day to day is helping women in the scenario. Not making them feel guilty, ashmed and worse than they already are.

@PriceEmUp

I get a little annoyed when people act like what a birth certificate looks like matters more than not endangering a child

I think that finding a way out of the relationship is more of a priority than the birth certificate. I may have missed something in the thread but have you contacted women's aid? They can help you get away and give you advice re the birth certificate. Can you delay the registration until you have left him?
If he is that bad you risk having your baby taken away by social services if you stay.

*@dontdisturbmenow

Did you read this update from the OP?

"this is a man who threatened to throw my baby off a 9th floor balcony, throw him down the garbage chute, put him in a bin and pour boiling water on him, all said as a joke apparently."

Still think she's "selfish"?

Good OP, leave him off it.
Fuck that.

@dontdisturbmenow my main concern was not being able to not move abroad. I simply didn't mention all the other things first because I wanted to see what people would say when it was purely concerning the birth certificate and whether or not it was moral to leave him off. I have no intention of trying to convince you that what im going through is true because at the end of the day your just a stranger on the internet and so am I. Women go through shit like this and i know i certainly am.

@Cyber27

Please post on the relationships board.

You are in an abusive relationship and he is also emotionally abusing your newborn son.He probably has been physically abusive (destroying your property is) and he will get worse.

Leave now.