Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Leaving Dp off birth certificate?

311 replies

Cyber27 · 05/01/2021 10:09

I would like to know if I'm being unreasonable to not add my 3mo fathers name to his birth certificate. Has anyone else been in a similar situations and what would you do.

Here's some back ground information. Me and dp have been together for about 2.5 years. The relationship has been quite difficult and I have tried to leave several times but always end up forgiving dp.

During my pregnancy dp messed up quite bad (won't go into details but it involved dp breaking some of my things). I went away for a month or so and stayed with family. I forgave him and we decided to try and make things work for the sake of our child.

Since then many of the things dp promised to do/change he hasn't done and I feel the relationship is coming to an end for good.

2 weeks before Christmas I dumped him and took ds and stayed at my parents for a week as I didn't like the way he was speaking to/treating ds. Like an idiot I went back to him as I wanted to give ds at least one Christmas where his family were together.

My parents are adamant I should leave dp off the birth certificate and only add him once he can prove he is a responsible loving parent. The only reason dp is currently not on birth certificate is because we are waiting for our appointment later in January due to covid delaying registering. Had ds birth been registered straight after he was born dp would probably have been added to the birth certificate.

My main reason for wanting to leave him off is because I have no doubt if things go south between me and dp he will try to get custody. Dp has also asked that I write up and sign a formal agreement and take it to a lawyer basically stating that I will never take ds out of the country permenantly without dp permission even if we split. Dp has already stated he would not give permission.

This is a problem for me as I have lots of family abroad who have offered for me to move to their countries (although I'm not planning to). I intend on getting a nursing degree in the next few years and employment and education opportunities abroad seem very enticing. Sometimes I think I could give ds a much better life abroad.

Being adopted myself and having never seen my original birth certificate the idea that a fathers name should be on a birth certificate feels quite morally important to me (except in abusive situations obvs) . I know if I do not add it dp will feel severely betrayed and I fear he may try to take some sort of legal action in the future. I also worry that by not adding him it will remove any trust we have left between us and make co parenting a lot harder with dp. He will never trust me in the future. however I also feel that if we do split for good I would limiting my opportunities massively by adding dp name. Dp can often be quite irrational and paranoid and I worry that he will come out with all sorts of crazy things in an attempt to control mine and ds life after we split if his name is on birth certificate.

What do I do? I really worry that his family (who i get along with nicely and are very supportive) will see this as some sort of total betrayal and that i would be denying that dp is the father even though we all know he is and I would never try to convince anyone he wasn't.

OP posts:
mrjuno · 05/01/2021 12:51

[quote Cyber27]@Coseynightin this is a man who threatened to throw my baby off a 9th floor balcony, throw him down the garbage chute, put him in a bin and pour boiling water on him, all said as a joke apparently. Am i still selfish for wanting him to not have automatic parental responsibility??? I might be a total utter idiot but your heads in the clouds. Did it ever occur to you that sometimes babies happen accidently?[/quote]
You have to get away from this man as soon as humanly possible. If he seriously said those things, and you are still allowing your baby to have contact with him, you are potentially running the risk that you would be regarded as complicit in this.

It's a terrible situation for you to be in, and I can understand that it's impossible to think clearly when you've been conditioned to regard abusive behaviour as normal. Flowers

By the way, you are absolutely right not to name him on the BC. He should never, ever be allowed unsupervised contact, never mind "custody" (as PP have said, this isn't actually a thing - but it's an easy shorthand).

SisterlyCare · 05/01/2021 12:55

It’s a tricky one.

But one thing for sure, if you don’t add him in the birth certificate then you can’t expect co parenting or any form of support. It’s either or .

Iwantacookie · 05/01/2021 12:56

In your shoes I wouldn't. They only issue I can see is child support. He can demand a DNA test if you go through the cms.

MunaZaldrizoti · 05/01/2021 12:57

@SisterlyCare

It’s a tricky one.

He threatened to kill her child. How is this tricky?

dontdisturbmenow · 05/01/2021 13:02

If OP had said in her first post that he had threaten to kill her child, then the responses would have been totally unanimous.

How this could have been left out to the original question as ro whether he should be put on the BC is quite puzzling.

Thedarknightsaredrawingin · 05/01/2021 13:08

Do not put him on the birth certificate.
Do not give your child his surname in any format.
Do tell your HV.
Do leave today. Do not tell him your plans. Just go.

blackcat86 · 05/01/2021 13:12

But it's all relevant op. Do dads just get denied rights because their name isn't on the birth certificate- no of course not. They can go to court and amend it. However, this isn't about a birth certificate is it. Its about your relationship with a very abusive man who has made vile threats to your newborn. Have you spoken to your HV about this or women's aid? You're getting caught in what is essential some admin and missing this massive elephant in the room which is what you actually need to focus on if you want to protect your child. Leave immediately and log with the proper authorities to create an audit trail

BillMasen · 05/01/2021 13:16

Not a popular view but I think a birth certificate should be correct and should always show a father if known. It shouldn’t be used as a weapon or threat, shouldn’t remove a father for relationship breakdown or issues, or if the mother doesn’t like him.

More contentious, should also include fathers who are abusive, criminals, absent. Yes I think so.

I don’t think a child having a legal document naming both parents should be an option tbh

MellowYellow101 · 05/01/2021 13:16

@BillMasen

Not a popular view but I think a birth certificate should be correct and should always show a father if known. It shouldn’t be used as a weapon or threat, shouldn’t remove a father for relationship breakdown or issues, or if the mother doesn’t like him.

More contentious, should also include fathers who are abusive, criminals, absent. Yes I think so.

I don’t think a child having a legal document naming both parents should be an option tbh

100% agree.
byebyeboyee · 05/01/2021 13:26

Don't put him on the birth certificate and give your son your last name, he can apply to the court to change this later. He is obviously very abusive and being in the relationship so long has normalized it. Contact women's aid, report all your concerns to the HV and you must leave as soon as possible wether to a refuge or your mother's. Do not minimize this.

byebyeboyee · 05/01/2021 13:27

You need to create as much evidence of abuse as you can and make a paper trail. Keeps records of the abuse, messages etc.

byebyeboyee · 05/01/2021 13:30

Seek help and advice immediately from women's aid and any other charity you can. I think ideally you should try to get into a woman's shelter than your mum's as they can help re-home you somewhere safe away from him, are you afraid he might attempt to harass you at your mum's?

byebyeboyee · 05/01/2021 13:31

If you can get a statement from the mother of his other child showing a pattern of abuse.

DrDetriment · 05/01/2021 13:31

A birth certificate is not a record of whether someone is a good parent or not but a factual statement of who the father is. As a previous poster said it isn't a weapon or a threat (though MNers tend to use it as one and think only the mother gets to decide) but a legal document stating known facts. So he should be on it. I'm sorry to hear how tough things have been though.

Oswin · 05/01/2021 13:31

@BillMasen

Not a popular view but I think a birth certificate should be correct and should always show a father if known. It shouldn’t be used as a weapon or threat, shouldn’t remove a father for relationship breakdown or issues, or if the mother doesn’t like him.

More contentious, should also include fathers who are abusive, criminals, absent. Yes I think so.

I don’t think a child having a legal document naming both parents should be an option tbh

If it was just a document naming both parents you would be right. But it gives PR. OP would be daft at this point to put an abuser on the Bc.

I wish I had never put my abusive ex on there. He took my daughter and disappeared for a whole day. The police could do nothing. I thought he would never bring her back. That terror will never leave me.

byebyeboyee · 05/01/2021 13:33

@DrDetriment

A birth certificate is not a record of whether someone is a good parent or not but a factual statement of who the father is. As a previous poster said it isn't a weapon or a threat (though MNers tend to use it as one and think only the mother gets to decide) but a legal document stating known facts. So he should be on it. I'm sorry to hear how tough things have been though.
It is a document that can be amended layer by the court, this woman and child need help and a safe place away from their abuser. It is likely that the abuse will continue to escalate and he may try and take a young infant away from his mother to punish her
byebyeboyee · 05/01/2021 13:35

Seek advice from people who actually know about this and not a bunch of women who don't understand this level of abuse and fear.

LadyOfTheImprovisedBath · 05/01/2021 13:35

@DrDetriment

A birth certificate is not a record of whether someone is a good parent or not but a factual statement of who the father is. As a previous poster said it isn't a weapon or a threat (though MNers tend to use it as one and think only the mother gets to decide) but a legal document stating known facts. So he should be on it. I'm sorry to hear how tough things have been though.
It gives PR to an unmarried father being on the birth certificate which does a lot more than "state known facts".

I find the level of ignorance about this truely shocking PR being given by being on birth certificate has been the case in UK since 2003.

CaMePlaitPas · 05/01/2021 13:41

Honestly OP? I wouldn't hang around. I'd put the baby in a baby carrier, pack a small bag with passports and go back to your family, who can give you and your baby support and love, nevermind umming and ahhing over putting this daft abusive specimen on the BC.

ArnoJambonsBike · 05/01/2021 13:42

@TanglinOrchards

the people on this thread saying put him on the bc are people who have little knowledge of the law.
You've spelled arseholes incorrectly.
wherewildthingsare · 05/01/2021 13:45

@TanglinOrchards

the people on this thread saying put him on the bc are people who have little knowledge of the law.
As a family law solicitor you Know how easy it is for the dad to go to court and request to be on the birth certificate.
C0NNIE · 05/01/2021 13:45

[quote Cyber27]@Coseynightin this is a man who threatened to throw my baby off a 9th floor balcony, throw him down the garbage chute, put him in a bin and pour boiling water on him, all said as a joke apparently. Am i still selfish for wanting him to not have automatic parental responsibility??? I might be a total utter idiot but your heads in the clouds. Did it ever occur to you that sometimes babies happen accidently?[/quote]
Your feelings about what is morally correct and your concerns about upsetting your partner, him feeling betrayed etc need to come second to protecting your child from a man you say is “ paranoid and crazy “ ans who allegedly kidnapped one of his other children.

Your baby is in danger of become one of the 65 children killed each year in the uk. Babies under one are at the highest risk and they are most likely to be killed by a father / step father.

Please contact women’s aid now.

learning.nspcc.org.uk/research-resources/statistics-briefings/child-deaths-abuse-neglect

toocold54 · 05/01/2021 13:45

OP how can you leave him off if you are still in a relationship with him - that is going to cause your relationship to end.

You would be better off leaving beforehand and then leaving him off.

My DCs dad gave up his choice of being involved when I was pregnant and wasn’t involved for 10+ years then he found out I was moving away so tried to take me to court to stop me but it went to mediation first (I think this is what happens now) and one of the conditions was that if he phoned once a month I would have to put him on the birth certificate.
He didn’t bother sticking to phoning once a month so it never went to court but it felt like I wouldn’t have a say in the matter if it did go to court.

BillMasen · 05/01/2021 13:45

The birth certificate doesn’t really give parental responsibility, it’s being a parent that does that (ok I know the bc is the legal mechanism). A father can prove they are a father and get PR.

The rights and responsibilities of a father should accrue by being a father. The BC should be a statement of that fact. No statement on the quality (or not) of that father

BillMasen · 05/01/2021 13:46

Being clear, I’m speaking in general. I’m making no statement tat is condoning any violence or abuse

Swipe left for the next trending thread