Leaving Dp off birth certificate?

[Cyber27]

I would like to know if I'm being unreasonable to not add my 3mo fathers name to his birth certificate. Has anyone else been in a similar situations and what would you do.

Here's some back ground information. Me and dp have been together for about 2.5 years. The relationship has been quite difficult and I have tried to leave several times but always end up forgiving dp.

During my pregnancy dp messed up quite bad (won't go into details but it involved dp breaking some of my things). I went away for a month or so and stayed with family. I forgave him and we decided to try and make things work for the sake of our child.

Since then many of the things dp promised to do/change he hasn't done and I feel the relationship is coming to an end for good.

2 weeks before Christmas I dumped him and took ds and stayed at my parents for a week as I didn't like the way he was speaking to/treating ds. Like an idiot I went back to him as I wanted to give ds at least one Christmas where his family were together.

My parents are adamant I should leave dp off the birth certificate and only add him once he can prove he is a responsible loving parent. The only reason dp is currently not on birth certificate is because we are waiting for our appointment later in January due to covid delaying registering. Had ds birth been registered straight after he was born dp would probably have been added to the birth certificate.

My main reason for wanting to leave him off is because I have no doubt if things go south between me and dp he will try to get custody. Dp has also asked that I write up and sign a formal agreement and take it to a lawyer basically stating that I will never take ds out of the country permenantly without dp permission even if we split. Dp has already stated he would not give permission.

This is a problem for me as I have lots of family abroad who have offered for me to move to their countries (although I'm not planning to). I intend on getting a nursing degree in the next few years and employment and education opportunities abroad seem very enticing. Sometimes I think I could give ds a much better life abroad.

Being adopted myself and having never seen my original birth certificate the idea that a fathers name should be on a birth certificate feels quite morally important to me (except in abusive situations obvs) . I know if I do not add it dp will feel severely betrayed and I fear he may try to take some sort of legal action in the future. I also worry that by not adding him it will remove any trust we have left between us and make co parenting a lot harder with dp. He will never trust me in the future. however I also feel that if we do split for good I would limiting my opportunities massively by adding dp name. Dp can often be quite irrational and paranoid and I worry that he will come out with all sorts of crazy things in an attempt to control mine and ds life after we split if his name is on birth certificate.

What do I do? I really worry that his family (who i get along with nicely and are very supportive) will see this as some sort of total betrayal and that i would be denying that dp is the father even though we all know he is and I would never try to convince anyone he wasn't.

this is a man who threatened to throw my baby off a 9th floor balcony, throw him down the garbage chute, put him in a bin and pour boiling water on him, all said as a joke apparently. Am i still selfish for wanting him to not have automatic parental responsibility??? I might be a total utter idiot but your heads in the clouds. Did it ever occur to you that sometimes babies happen accidently?

Wow I must have missed this. Now I question your parenting OP if you think it’s acceptable to have a child around someone like this.
Why are you still with him?

@Cyber27

I hadn't considered that. How likely is it for a man with severe mental health problems, lack of responsibility with previous child in previous relationship, no job and a weed smoker that he could get some sort of custody agreement?

@Cyber27 very slim

Haven't got time to RTFT but what do you mean by him threatening the baby?!

Jesus Christ ignore my last post I've just seen exactly what he threatened to do.

If you have your baby around him for another day then you are quite frankly negligent and should have your baby taken away.

If I knew you personally I would be reporting all of this to social services. What a horrific environment for a defenceless baby.

[quote Cyber27]@dontdisturbmenow my main concern was not being able to not move abroad. I simply didn't mention all the other things first because I wanted to see what people would say when it was purely concerning the birth certificate and whether or not it was moral to leave him off. I have no intention of trying to convince you that what im going through is true because at the end of the day your just a stranger on the internet and so am I. Women go through shit like this and i know i certainly am.[/quote]
He could apply to court to prevent you moving abroad regardless of whether he is on the birth certificate, and there would then be a detailed assessment before the Court would decide whether you would have permission to go.

Also be aware if you move without telling him, he could apply for the child to be returned to the UK, if you were in a country that was signed up to the Hague Convention.

If you want to move and if you have any inkling that he’d try to stop you, I’d advise you to apply to the court for permission first, and be proactive rather than the courts having to be reactive.

@CatVsChristmasTree birth certificates no longer say 'unknown' not much better but the space is blank. It makes life less complicated should they choose not to go to court for PR. Anyway, unless you are married the father needs to be present for him to be put on the birth certificate.

The Relationships board is kinder & would give you some support in addition to the comments here you have found helpful.

He sounds incredibly dangerous - normal people do not joke about killing children, nor do they smash up phones etc.

Be safe - get away from him. Women's Aid & the police can help. Log with them & a GP the abuse you have undergone. Speak to your HV too.

Get away from home. Absolutely do not put him on the BC. Do not double barrel the name sheaf just give your DC your name.

@toocold54 and @Olivere

Don’t question the OP, or @MunaZaldrizoti will leap on you for victim blaming.

@Cyber27

I hadn't considered that. How likely is it for a man with severe mental health problems, lack of responsibility with previous child in previous relationship, no job and a weed smoker that he could get some sort of custody agreement?

Op....I don't normally say this but why did you stay with an have a child in these circumstances?

[quote Cyber27]@Coseynightin this is a man who threatened to throw my baby off a 9th floor balcony, throw him down the garbage chute, put him in a bin and pour boiling water on him, all said as a joke apparently. Am i still selfish for wanting him to not have automatic parental responsibility??? I might be a total utter idiot but your heads in the clouds. Did it ever occur to you that sometimes babies happen accidently?[/quote]
Why on earth is this not in your OP?
Biggest drip feed I've eve seen on MN.

You can't post limply about him doing some minor things that you forgave then keep this as ammo for PPs who don't agree. Not cricket.

In all honesty op, I think it's important for the father to be on the birth certificate as the child is also his (except in extreme situations of course). However, if the situation with your DP is that awful that you wouldn't want him having equal rights as a parent (parent NOT partner) and being named on the certificate then I would really question why you are allowing him to live with the child? I know it is a lot easier said than done in your situation when feelings are involved. Do what you honestly feel is right for your child

I'd leave him off. And then quietly - and quickly - disappear out of his life.

Not to hijack, but putting DDs biological fathers name on the birth certificate is one of the worst mistakes of my life.

You will find he has equal rights if you put him on it, even if he takes none of the responsibilities.

I won't go into my own situation, its just in my view not worth the stress.

This way you can choose what the relationship with him is like, without being dragged through courts, he reads like he's potentially abusive. It reads like a very messy situation because of his behaviour.
It doesn't mean he has no place in your child's life, just he doesn't have equal rights.

Fuck me, why didn't I read the thread? A few posts above....WOW.

No. Do not put the arseholes name on the BC.
Don't allow him near you or your child.

Nope. Nope nope.

You need to cut all contact between your child and this man immediately. Otherwise you are at risk of having your child removed if social services think you cant keep him safe. Can you move in with family for now, also definitely speak your health visitor asap and consider reporting to the police. That way there is a record that you tried to get help to protect your son

@Inpersuitofhappiness

Fuck me, why didn't I read the thread? A few posts above....WOW.

No. Do not put the arseholes name on the BC.
Don't allow him near you or your child.

Nope. Nope nope.

OP drip fed massively when she didn't get the reaction she wanted.

Kind of sounds like you want the cake and eat to it..

As much of a blessing I’m sure your innocent DS is why you decided to procreate with a a man who in your words has “severe mental health problems, lack of responsibility with previous child in previous relationship, no job and a weed smoker” after knowing him 2.5 years is beyond me.
But hey you did and the fact is he is your child’s father despite being what sounds like a despicable, abusive human he has a legal right to be on that certificate, the certificate which is your sons legal document, not yours.

Good luck with the nursing

@Cyber27

I hadn't considered that. How likely is it for a man with severe mental health problems, lack of responsibility with previous child in previous relationship, no job and a weed smoker that he could get some sort of custody agreement?

I've only read a few posts so far but I will say this. To OP - have more respect for yourself and your child and get out of there. To others - men like this are the opposite of a catch, do not tie yourself to one of them by having a child. Your hypothetical future child deserves better.

@dontdisturbmenow

If OP had said in her first post that he had threaten to kill her child, then the responses would have been totally unanimous.

How this could have been left out to the original question as ro whether he should be put on the BC is quite puzzling.

Yes. Odd how it suddenly snowballed when PPs responded.

@Wheresmykimchi hits the nail on the head perfectly!

OP asked a question and when she received any criticism drip feeds with rather pertinent information for the sake of sympathy?

If he threatened to ’boil your child’ you should be as far away as possible from him with no contact with him or family and a restraining order in place.

Ridiculous attention seeking post..

[quote Acatnamedfox]@Wheresmykimchi hits the nail on the head perfectly!

OP asked a question and when she received any criticism drip feeds with rather pertinent information for the sake of sympathy?

If he threatened to ’boil your child’ you should be as far away as possible from him with no contact with him or family and a restraining order in place.

Ridiculous attention seeking post..[/quote]
Quite. Rather than prattling about oh well he did break something but we all moved on.

@terfinginthevoid

There are a lot of people on this thread posting in absolute ignorance. Please leave this dangerous man, and don’t put his name on the birth certificate, which will give him parental responsibility and make it more difficult for you to keep your son safe.

This with bloody bells ON...

Leave him of an don't double barrel surname either. if father is not good enough to be on a important document then why is he good enough for child to have his name?

So he's threatened, shouted and sworn at a 3 month old baby and you're questioning whether his name should go on the birth certificate? No, it shouldn't.

He should be getting his head kicked in.

@Takemetothebar

Well someone has to, considering the rampant ignorance that is evident on this thread. If you can't imagine the damage it does to pile blame onto an already abused person, and don't want to understand, that's on you and your conscience.