Leaving Dp off birth certificate?

[Cyber27]

I would like to know if I'm being unreasonable to not add my 3mo fathers name to his birth certificate. Has anyone else been in a similar situations and what would you do.

Here's some back ground information. Me and dp have been together for about 2.5 years. The relationship has been quite difficult and I have tried to leave several times but always end up forgiving dp.

During my pregnancy dp messed up quite bad (won't go into details but it involved dp breaking some of my things). I went away for a month or so and stayed with family. I forgave him and we decided to try and make things work for the sake of our child.

Since then many of the things dp promised to do/change he hasn't done and I feel the relationship is coming to an end for good.

2 weeks before Christmas I dumped him and took ds and stayed at my parents for a week as I didn't like the way he was speaking to/treating ds. Like an idiot I went back to him as I wanted to give ds at least one Christmas where his family were together.

My parents are adamant I should leave dp off the birth certificate and only add him once he can prove he is a responsible loving parent. The only reason dp is currently not on birth certificate is because we are waiting for our appointment later in January due to covid delaying registering. Had ds birth been registered straight after he was born dp would probably have been added to the birth certificate.

My main reason for wanting to leave him off is because I have no doubt if things go south between me and dp he will try to get custody. Dp has also asked that I write up and sign a formal agreement and take it to a lawyer basically stating that I will never take ds out of the country permenantly without dp permission even if we split. Dp has already stated he would not give permission.

This is a problem for me as I have lots of family abroad who have offered for me to move to their countries (although I'm not planning to). I intend on getting a nursing degree in the next few years and employment and education opportunities abroad seem very enticing. Sometimes I think I could give ds a much better life abroad.

Being adopted myself and having never seen my original birth certificate the idea that a fathers name should be on a birth certificate feels quite morally important to me (except in abusive situations obvs) . I know if I do not add it dp will feel severely betrayed and I fear he may try to take some sort of legal action in the future. I also worry that by not adding him it will remove any trust we have left between us and make co parenting a lot harder with dp. He will never trust me in the future. however I also feel that if we do split for good I would limiting my opportunities massively by adding dp name. Dp can often be quite irrational and paranoid and I worry that he will come out with all sorts of crazy things in an attempt to control mine and ds life after we split if his name is on birth certificate.

What do I do? I really worry that his family (who i get along with nicely and are very supportive) will see this as some sort of total betrayal and that i would be denying that dp is the father even though we all know he is and I would never try to convince anyone he wasn't.

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

I don't think you're being fair to your child tbh. A blank space next to their fathers name is a heavy weight to carry .....

Regarding contact then whether they're on the birth certificate or not if they want contact they'll get it via a court.

In your shoes I'd behave like an adult, put him on the birth certificate and go down the contact centre route if he bothers to go for access.

This is extremely dangerous advice.

Getting PR and contact via court, via a process where safeguarding checks are undertaken and a child arrangements order is drawn up, is extremely different from having the automatic right to take your child out of nursery and not return him, whilst telling you you can‘t go on holiday abroad and the onus being on you to overturn this.

Anybody trying to lay on the “you have a moral duty to the child to name the father on the BC” does not have understanding of abusive men.

When your child is old enough to know about their birth certificate, you can explain in child-friendly terms why it is how it is, and add that they can change it when they are older. Besides, you can also apply for a short-form birth certificate, which doesn’t have parents’ details (blank or otherwise).

Ultimately this guy was a complete twat from the start, your relationship was a disaster over the full 2 years. Yet still you decided to have a baby with him. Now you want to lie and leave him iff the birth cert so you can travel later if you feel like it with no concern for the kind of relationship your child could grow to have with his (unnamed) father.

I dont really care how much of a bastard this man is. Hes his father. And dont pretend you went back for Christmas for your baby. Hes a baby. You went back as you have multiple times for yourself.

@Whammyyammy

Silly me, I thought a birth certificate was a legal document that was used to register and document the birth if a child, including naming both parents(if both known), not whether to include the father depending on whether or not you get in/still together

sadly no. Being put on the bc gives the father (possibly an abusive father) legal rights.

Including removing the child from the mother. Turning up at school and taking them, even if they are not the primary parent. Having input into their medical livea and schooing lives. evbn if they have n o other interaction in their lives.

I have seen too many abusive father use this as a weapon and there is little the mother can do about it.

I don't think you should leave him off, it's not fair. You say he isn't a good man essentially yet you are choosing to go back to him and stay with him time after time. Its not fair on your son to not have his father on his birth certificate. Its not fair on the father to leave him off. It took two parents to make him, leaving him off makes no difference to that fact. It would help in the long term for future child support etc and also can be seen as vindictive on your part to leave him off if your partner tries to sue for custody later on.
If you truly think that the father is a danger to him then you should have stayed gone and protected your son but as you haven't you obviously don't see he is a danger and no you don't have a right morally to keep him off the BC

the people on this thread saying put him on the bc are people who have little knowledge of the law.

@Whammyyammy

Silly me, I thought a birth certificate was a legal document that was used to register and document the birth if a child, including naming both parents(if both known), not whether to include the father depending on whether or not you get in/still together

Well you are very ignorant of UK law and very wrong.

The law was changed in 2003 to give unmarried father PR if they were added to the birth certificate.

This has been said several times and I've posted several links that show what the implications are.

@TanglinOrchards
Please don't make lofty statements to further your own agenda.

[quote CrotchBurn]@TanglinOrchards
Please don't make lofty statements to further your own agenda.[/quote]
I am a family law solicitor.

:)

But you know. Go onto gov uk.

Or go speak to a solicitor of your own.

And i have spent 11 years doing child law.

[whistles]

However I think you need to leave him off

Having him on isn’t a biological fact. What about adoptive parents. Or surrogate parents?

I think he can obviously gain PR. But it will be harder for him

But you need to get out now

@Diverseduvet

It's not your right to leave him off the birth certificate.

It is, though.

...having a papertrail of his behaviour is something my parents suggested to. Surely if I mention his behaviour to HV it will trigger something with social services though?

Well, good? Then you have their support also.

From OPs last post about what this person has threatened to do to a 3 month old (possibly younger) child, I would say, this country has given you the right to choose whether or not an unmarried partner's name can be put on the birth certificate, use it!! His rights pale so badly in front of the baby's wellbeing that it's transparent.. leave right now, get to safe place, get the HV and SS involved and look towards legal ways of getting him out of the place you own/rent (sorry don't quite remember what you wrote). He should not be given access to your child and definitely should not be automatically given PR by virtue of being on the BC. The child, when grown up, can have this conversation with you and may wonder what kind of a person played a role in their conception, but would also know that you did what was needed to keep them safe.

@Whammyyammy

Silly me, I thought a birth certificate was a legal document that was used to register and document the birth if a child, including naming both parents(if both known), not whether to include the father depending on whether or not you get in/still together

Yep, silly you.

@TanglinOrchards
I don't care about the law 🤷‍♀️

@CrotchBurn

Ultimately this guy was a complete twat from the start, your relationship was a disaster over the full 2 years. Yet still you decided to have a baby with him. Now you want to lie and leave him iff the birth cert so you can travel later if you feel like it with no concern for the kind of relationship your child could grow to have with his (unnamed) father.

I dont really care how much of a bastard this man is. Hes his father. And dont pretend you went back for Christmas for your baby. Hes a baby. You went back as you have multiple times for yourself.

If this man has PR, he can take the baby and the OP would have to go to court to get her son back. And giving an abusive man PR means both baby and mother can suffer years of abuse.

It's not just about being able to go abroad without permission.

You really don't have a clue, do you.

Same goes for all the other people whinging about how a kid needs to have their dad on the BC.

My DS name was changed aged 5 when I remarried. His biological father was on the birth certificate but we weren't married - he had no say in the name change (which was done by a solicitor).

The change in the law to automatically give PR to fathers named on the BC took effect from December 2003. If this name change took place before then it was legal, but if it took place afterwards it isn't. You need permission from all parents with PR to change a child's name.

I think the people of this thread that say I'm being unfair need to read through all of my comments and ask yourself, if this was your child how would you feel? My mind is made up now.

[quote CrotchBurn]@TanglinOrchards
I don't care about the law 🤷‍♀️[/quote]
I do. And if you are saying that the law is out of date and does not adhere to current moral morays then i do not neccessarily disagree.

But the law is the law. and I have seen many people (mothers usually) brutalised and indeed releatedly subject to abuse via court due to fathers sadly knowing their legal rights.

i would repeat what i have said all along on this thread. The OP shoudl go to a proper trained legal professional. Get their advice. Maie a decision accordingly.

TanglinOrchards is exactly right. My teenager can't change her name and we've had difficulties getting her a passport. If my ex wasn't so bloody lazy, he could have had a huge say and input on other aspects of her life, despite paying not a penny in maintenence, and not seeing his child in over a decade. My daughter goes by another name in school, but her legal name obviously has to be used sometimes, and it's often upsetting and confusing for her. I can't legally take her out of the country beyond a certain amount of time without his permission, so good thing I never wanted to emigrate. This is a direct result of his name being on the BC which automatically gives him PR. My daughter's life is restricted while he swans off and can do as he pleases.

I was an utter fool to put him on the BC, though I did it for what I thought were good and honest reasons, but it has beeen nothing but trouble for my daughter - it means nothing to him and it has not been a way to hold him to account financially, emotionally, or morally.

I can't believe this isn't more widely known. I have been to see a family solicitor within the last 18 months re these issues, so I can confirm this is the case.

Keep him off the certificate.

Fucking hell. I cannot believe people are advocating that a man who has joked about murdering your child should be put on the BC.

Naive at best and dangerous at worst. Please don't give advice about subjects you know nothing about.

If you'd written that he didn't care about his baby, didn't want it and showed little interest and when he did, he was abusive, fair enough.

But when you write that he said he wouldn't let you leave the country and you want the option to be free to take your child away from his dad, even if he turns out to be a good father, just because you fancy moving away then I say your decision is based on pure selfishness.

I hope he does apply for it through the courts. It's easy and cheap and in all likelihood would be granted anyway.

Regardless of the situation and how he is with you or how you feel about him/the relationship, he IS the father of your child. In my opinion, there’s no reason for you to leave it blank. The whole purpose of a birth certificate is to identify a person and truth of the matter is, he is the father.

Hope things get better x

OP why are you worrying about a birth certificate? Why on earth did you get into a relationship and stay in a relationship with a drug abusing aggressive man? When you found out he had supposedly kidnapped a child why on earth did you not stop having sex, or use protection, or run away?!

Before thinking about your nursing career and living abroad you should be ringing the police and social services and leaving.

Don’t put him on the birth certificate, but moreover stop making awful decisions and do the right thing for you and your child. You know how awful this man is, you’ve seen it for yourself and been told about it, and you’ve felt it bad enough to leave before. When you chose to return before, that was your choice. Now you are returning and staying with someone threatening to murder your child.

There are a lot of people on this thread posting in absolute ignorance.
Please leave this dangerous man, and don’t put his name on the birth certificate, which will give him parental responsibility and make it more difficult for you to keep your son safe.