He left her for me **MNHQ content warning added*

[LanaLielaLie]

His girlfriend of 9 years. I’m ashamed to say there was an overlap - go ahead and flame me. He was unhappy and they were sleeping in separate bedrooms etc. Now he’s moved back in with his mum and we’re trying to take things slow. However, he goes back there every week to see his dog and take it for a walk.

He’s not over her is he?

This sounds much deeper and more involved the more info you give. You have had counselling in the past, yet still look for validation in this way. How long was the counselling for and did you end it. Perhaps you need longer psychotherapy.
Very often mental health professionals are drawn to that profession because we too have been hurt and can see that trauma in others.
Your logical mind knows what you should do, especially around the sex and consent. Yet your unresolved issues keep pulling you back in.
Step away from him, he is your drug of choice to solve whatever it is your need for validation is hiding.
You have to believe in yourself and you know when you do, you wouldn’t go near him.

@Groovinpeanut

No I wasnt, but I have been in that same situation and it took me a long time to be able to accept that I had been raped. 4 years with a rapist.

Just because I said yes last time, just because I didnt fight him off, just because it was easier to just lie there and cry afterwards.....

After I left him I was violently raped and to be honest, it felt less violating in some ways because as least I wasnt made to feel complicit in my own assault.

I am glad you have no idea what I am talking about.

Are you the OP of the strange Barbour coat thread months ago?

Dear god please chuck this guy. This just sets alarm bells ringing you shouldn’t have to please someone to keep them!!! Your body if you say no then however much he likes it it’s a no!!!
His ex is probably being reasonable because he’s a lazy horrid bully of a man she’s better off without!!!!
Give yourself a talking to!!!!!

Staffy no not me

Do you actually want him?

Why can he not tell his ex partner about you, is he still trying to decide who he wants? until this choice is taken away from him you will continue to lower your standards to make him choose you.

Could you, in an indirect way let her know.

Her life is probably on hold, let her know the man he is.

He is taking advantage of your insecurity, knowing you will do anything to please him.

God I had to read all this to make sure this wasn't my ex who left me last year for another woman after 9 years.
All sounds scarily similar, apart from we have cats, no dog (the girl he left for had a dog) and she is early 20s.

I will say he made excuses to come here all the time after he left and played me and the other woman off each other, telling me he wasn't with her anymore, telling her I was crazy. But 6 months later still stringing me along, well I've put an end to any of that now.
Honestly OP, bin him off before you make yourself very unwell, find someone single and who is as invested as you are. I could go on about how wrong what you did was. But you know that already.

Onthedunes I told him earlier that him and I can go no further until his ex knows about us. He said ok and said he’d talk to her. I love him but I know he’s not right for me

Please please end this. You deserve so much better. You love him? Really? He makes you feel like shit. He coerces you into sex (at best!) what exactly is there to love? He is NOT a nice man. Please get the strength to end this, stop contacting him, and go back to counselling.

His ex girlfriend as he calls her, is being gaslighted.
Very harmful for her mental health, you know this.

You say he is not right for you, but you don't say whether you want him.
Your actions say you do.

When he is not with you, you are pining for him over the internet till he returns.

He hasn't the courage to tell his ex, wants it convieniently to appear that he's left her without an affair being the reason.
Both of you are guilty of this, you also seem scared of the consequences, from her perhaps?

Two scared people afraid to tell the truth.

I love him but I know he’s not right for me

Then why bother??

You can't possibly love him. You just want love. You won't get it from him.

[quote PyongyangKipperbang]@Groovinpeanut

No I wasnt, but I have been in that same situation and it took me a long time to be able to accept that I had been raped. 4 years with a rapist.

Just because I said yes last time, just because I didnt fight him off, just because it was easier to just lie there and cry afterwards.....

After I left him I was violently raped and to be honest, it felt less violating in some ways because as least I wasnt made to feel complicit in my own assault.

I am glad you have no idea what I am talking about.[/quote]
I see and deal with it most days. But we're not talking about you or me.

You see and deal with it, but have never lived it?

You don't love him. Not after 4 months of insecurities and forced sex.

You are more of a hostage than a lover.

Be kind to yourself. Get more counseling and get rid of him.

I don't think you love him. You love the idea of a relationship but you are settling for second best. As an MH professional you are no doubt giving your all at work and treating your patients with care and compassion, please apply that to yourself too. You deserve to be loved, cherished and treated better.

He may prefer anal so he's not running the risk of getting your pregnant. Personally I think you need to finish this and draw a line under it.

@SunshineCake

You can't possibly love him. You just want love. You won't get it from him.

Exactly there’s a difference between being lonely and craving love and being in love

@Terracottasaur

Fucking hell OP. He’s an unfaithful rapist with poor dental hygiene who lives with his mum and treats you like shit. Please, please dump him and run a mile.

I’ve just seen your other threads about this op. I think you need serious help. You are self destructing. You are the only person who can stop this train wreck, you’ve had the same advise over and over but you are still going ahead- clinging to someone who hurts you, destroying relationships and destroying yourself. YOU have to do the work, no one on here is going to make this okay.

Op, he will no more tell her than cut off his baws and present them to you for next year’s Christmas baubles.

Please be kind to yourself and be single until you know your worth. Get rid.

Sorry but if he’s cheated and lied once he will probably do it again. I don’t think the dog story is necessarily untrue but be prepared for much lies in the future. karma exists!

@LanaLielaLie

I have had counselling, yes. It helped initially but I always slip back under. I definitely feel as though meeting men in this way is the only way to make me feel worthy of love and affection. Obviously what I’m experiencing now couldn’t be any further from that because it all hurts so much. I really didn’t mean to sound victorious or vindictive with the title of this thread - I didn’t give much thought to it at all, I just needed to type something out before I started work as I felt desperate. Believe me, I’m not gloating in the slightest. I feel horrible for his girlfriend, and I do wish she knew what he’d done and what he’s still doing.

I do wish she knew what he’d done and what he’s still doing

Tell her then OP - you'd be doing her & yourself a favour. You are facilitating his abuse of both of you two women. Have some self respect, please.

And...
When you say no there are no mixed messages. You cannot be supporting your clients sufficiently as your perspective is totally off.

Do you have children, OP? Do you live alone?

You are worthy of a happy relationship with a loving, respectful partner. You have not found that with him. Walk away from him and start caring for yourself. I am so sorry you have been raped by this man. Please seek support from women’s aid or rape crisis centre . Don’t let him abuse you or lie and hurt you anymore. He lies to his partner. Now he is lying to you. He tells you what he knows you want to hear. That is what he does to have his cake and eat it too and it comes so easily for him because he always has and always will put himself first.

I’m so sad for you, you must be feeling so sad, overwhelmed and insecure. Please contact rape crisis centre. Protect yourself from any further abuse, confusion and pain. You deserve respect. He does not respect you. Without respect there is no relationship. This is a pretend relationship covering the actual abuse and lies. You are worthy of respect. You are worthy of loving,kindness, honesty. Your happiness is worth fighting for.

Be kind to yourself As others say, You can be far happier without him abusing you and being disrespectful. Close the door on this man and open the door to a far happier life free of abuse and lies.
Choose only be with respectful partners and refuse to have contact with this man. You chose to be in a relationship with him but didn’t choose rape. Take other’s advice and do freedom program, and Please contact a rape crisis centre

Do something lovely for yourself every single day. Be your own best friend. Life is so much better when you choose only respectful relationships and you deserve happiness.

@LanaLielaLie

Yes it’s anal I’m referring to. The other morning I said no and he kept pushing for it and saying he just wanted to spoon. I said it hurt with no lube and I didn’t want to

He sounds vile. Why do you want to be with someone who wants/insists that you to do things you do not want to do? You'd be better off without him. You've only been with him a few months and I can't see it going anywhere.

Raise your standards for goodness sakes.