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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He left her for me **MNHQ content warning added*

665 replies

LanaLielaLie · 05/01/2021 07:14

His girlfriend of 9 years. I’m ashamed to say there was an overlap - go ahead and flame me. He was unhappy and they were sleeping in separate bedrooms etc. Now he’s moved back in with his mum and we’re trying to take things slow. However, he goes back there every week to see his dog and take it for a walk.

He’s not over her is he?

OP posts:
jessstan1 · 05/01/2021 22:24

@LanaLielaLie

Onthedunes I told him earlier that him and I can go no further until his ex knows about us. He said ok and said he’d talk to her. I love him but I know he’s not right for me
Good!
Littlepaws18 · 05/01/2021 22:36

You are intelligent enough to know that this relationship has do many red flags and possibilities of abuse if it hasn't happened already. This man is not showing you love, he is taking what he wants when he wants and he will drop you the minute he has had enough.

That is going to be so painful, but also think about the pain of you start seeing him long term. He is going to continue to treat you like a sexual object.

The dog excuse is a pile of crap too.

You know you can't trust him, you know what he is doing is abuse the only option to not hurt you us to leave. If you stay it will hurt a thousand times more.

You have made some terrible choices and some immoral ones, but he is the one that has made disgusting and selfish and hateful choices.

Get out save yourself

Littlepaws18 · 05/01/2021 22:40

By staying with him you are closing a door to someone who is absolutely perfect for you.

When I left my husband I went from one bad relationship to another- I was so needy and pathetic that I would accept anything. Then I broke my leg became single and realised life was pretty good alone. A year later I met someone and I judged them with proper standards and he is absolutely perfect!

Find your happiness find your perfect don't settle for any less

Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 06/01/2021 06:45

I am intelligent enough to acknowledge the many red flags here. I know this man isn’t perfect, or even good, but neither am I. And that’s not me defending him. My past relationships have pretty much all been toxic. I seem to be addicted to the chaos and the pain of it all. I see what I consider to be nice, good men when I’m out walking etc. The ones with their kids and families, being hands on with their DC. I feel like I’m in a different world to them. Like I don’t deserve that. So I deal with the dregs instead.

OP posts:
Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 06/01/2021 06:49

Looking back to the very early days of this starting with him, he used to ask me for pictures ALL the time. I’d oblige but on the days where I didn’t, he’d get sulky and say how he wished that I sent more etc. I was once saying bye to him at my doorstep and he wanted me to get on my knees there and then. I didn’t, so he pushed my head down (or attempted to). Then laughed it off. Another time, I was on a teams meeting for work and he was wanting me to take my knickers off and send him a pic whilst I was on the call.

OP posts:
Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 06/01/2021 06:49

Posted too soon. I’ve been so stupid.

OP posts:
TheReluctantPhoenix · 06/01/2021 07:02

I am sure, as a MH professional, you are aware of transactional analysis.

You are definitely coming at this relationship from the ‘I am not ok, you are not ok’ perspective which, according to the idea, gives rise to feelings of futility and helplessness,

What would you advise someone who came to you with your own post?

You know you need to end the relationship and work on yourself, before finding someone far nicer. If you cannot physically end it yet, at least visualise what it would be like to be on your own and happy, without any of your current angst.

And what will be the end point if you carry on?

Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 06/01/2021 07:04

Wow. We haven’t spoke since yesterday and I’ve just asked what’s happening? He said he’s having some thinking time. I assume this means thinking about which woman he wants - me or his ex?!

OP posts:
Fearandsurprise · 06/01/2021 07:06

You’ve taken the first step by acknowledging and sharing how awful his behaviour is. I’m sure that was difficult and you should be proud of yourself for that.

Now you can take the next step to work on your self respect. There are lots of useful threads about that on Mumsnet.

I’m not sure if it is on one of your threads or another one, but a poster made a great point about having a “love affair with yourself”- i.e. treating yourself really well e.g. wearing your best clothes, using your nicest toiletries, buying yourself some flowers etc. to show yourself that you deserve it. Perhaps that is somewhere you could start?

category12 · 06/01/2021 07:09

You don't have to stay in the same pattern. It's hard to unlearn this stuff and reset your boundaries, I'm not gonna lie, but it can be done.

Please don't stick with this guy.

  • Try the Freedom Programme.
  • Work with a therapist to deal with your trauma and learn strategies for the future.
  • Reset your boundaries in relationships.
Don't date again until you're in a better place and value yourself, so that a man would have to be adding a lot to your life for you to consider him and so you don't tolerate any shit.
Mally2020 · 06/01/2021 07:24

Myself and my partner are living apart while I finish my last year of my degree and he is finishing his chefing apprenticeship and before that we shared a flat where we flitted between the bedrooms. It's pretty normal and he's having you on entirely. have you actually had it from her mouth that they are separated..

CodenameVillanelle · 06/01/2021 07:48

Do you recognise yourself in the description of people with emotional intensity disorder?

You're giving him way too much power. Your life would be much better if he did pick the ex to be honest. You're letting him play you like a fiddle. You need some proper therapy.

Quartz2208 · 06/01/2021 07:53

No I don’t think he is I think he is feeling you back in with a power play. He is waiting to see your reaction and hope that you give him more
So far you seem to have some resistance and some willingness to push back. This move is designed to eradicate that even more
Ultimately I suspect he will want both of you

You have to walk away even taking aside a discussion as to whether he is sexually coercive and abusive, this relationship is not healthy for you. He could be the nicest man in the world but this relationship is detrimental to your mental health and well being

As a mental health nurse you must be well aware of resources and you need to se did you can access them (without it impacting on your job) because you need them

Vitaminsss · 06/01/2021 07:55

Tbh his text gives you the perfect opportunity to dump him

Just tell him this isn’t working for you and end it

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 06/01/2021 07:56

If he needs ‘thinking time’ then I will wager he is not thinking about you but how to distance himself from you without his partner ever knowing or getting to know of your existence.

Please see this for what it is OP.

You told someone on another thread that you wouldn’t put up with their partner’s behaviour and it wasn’t anything as bad as this relationship seems to be.

Ii don’t know what else to say to you but take care. You only get one shot at this life. And the life you are living is miserable.

You have the power to make it better. You really do. But you need to get shot of him first.

MrsMap · 06/01/2021 08:03

Seems like degrading you sexually isnt enough, he is moving on to emotional degradation now.

KarmaNoMore · 06/01/2021 08:07

Looking at your last messages, I would say you are very much the OW, not the chosen partner, he seems to be with you just for the sex and probably because you agree and comply to things he wouldn’t dare to ask his wife for.

It will hurt to dump him OP no doubt, but you will be less damaged if you dump him now than if you wait until all this sexual cohercion and abuse is your new normal.

LemonBreeland · 06/01/2021 08:12

@LanaLielaLie

Wow. We haven’t spoke since yesterday and I’ve just asked what’s happening? He said he’s having some thinking time. I assume this means thinking about which woman he wants - me or his ex?!
Do yourself a favour and don't leave him with the choice, tell him it's over. You are worth so much more than this. Nobody should have to do anything they don't want to in the hopes of hanging onto a relationship.
MaryLeeOnHigh · 06/01/2021 08:40

@LanaLielaLie

Wow. We haven’t spoke since yesterday and I’ve just asked what’s happening? He said he’s having some thinking time. I assume this means thinking about which woman he wants - me or his ex?!
So save him some thinking time and remove yourself from the list of choices. You know this isn't going to last anyway, so end it now.
Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 06/01/2021 08:46

I sort of feel like if I end it now then he’s got away with having a 4 month period of having sex on tap, and can go back to his nice little life without her knowing anything

OP posts:
Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 06/01/2021 08:46

I know that’s no reason to stay with him but it feels really shit.

OP posts:
Cadent · 06/01/2021 08:49

Then tell her. You will be doing her a favour.

But don’t stay with him because of the 4 months, google ‘sunk costs fallacy’.

Haggertyjane · 06/01/2021 08:52

Oh for heavens sake, dump him. He is playing one off against the other. You have not been with him long so there is minimal commitment, and the fact he is pressurising you into sex acts you don't like, is a massive red flag. Raise the bar please.

MaryLeeOnHigh · 06/01/2021 09:06

@LanaLielaLie

I sort of feel like if I end it now then he’s got away with having a 4 month period of having sex on tap, and can go back to his nice little life without her knowing anything
So what's the alternative? He continues to have sex on tap, and sex that you don't even want? You can let her know what has been happening if that is what is bothering you.
Quartz2208 · 06/01/2021 09:08

@LanaLielaLie

I sort of feel like if I end it now then he’s got away with having a 4 month period of having sex on tap, and can go back to his nice little life without her knowing anything
So maybe he has - he isnt your priority in this. Whatever happens he is going to go and find someone else it is his modus operandus I am sure.

But you need to prioritise YOU and your mental health clearly needs this to end

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