Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He left her for me **MNHQ content warning added*

665 replies

LanaLielaLie · 05/01/2021 07:14

His girlfriend of 9 years. I’m ashamed to say there was an overlap - go ahead and flame me. He was unhappy and they were sleeping in separate bedrooms etc. Now he’s moved back in with his mum and we’re trying to take things slow. However, he goes back there every week to see his dog and take it for a walk.

He’s not over her is he?

OP posts:
Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 05/01/2021 18:50

I really don’t think that what he did was rape. The first time we had that type of sex, he kind of pushed it but I went with it and surprised myself because it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. But when I realised how much he liked it I wanted to please him and keep him interested so I carried on. When I said no a few mornings ago it wasn’t a firm no and I was still kissing him etc so it was mixed messages.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 05/01/2021 18:53

Op please get some counselling because your boundaries are all over the place - he is taking advantage of a very vulnerable woman

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/01/2021 19:01

You dont want to think it was rape because then you are in a relationship with a rapist.

But you are.

Groovinpeanut · 05/01/2021 19:03

@LanaLielaLie

I honestly don’t feel like I have the strength to end it
Lana when you've probably had a chance to sit down and get a few minutes to wade through all the fog of feeling so low. Maybe at work in your break in a place where you hold respect and a worthy role. Maybe start to try and unpick the threads of what binds you to this guy. It may even help to write it down. His pros and cons as it were. The way he behaves, the things he does and says. How you feel about those things. Often seeing it written down shows clarity. You can slowly start to focus on the aspects of your relationship, and how you feel, and would like things to be. Then read through and think things over. Often it takes a few attempts to leave and to find the strength to do it. You need to find a way to build your self-esteem and sense of worth. It will come one day, and you may be surprised when you actually see him for what he is. And how he treats you. You'll start to wonder what you ever saw in him. I think his hygiene issues may factor into that too. Take care of you ❤️
Danu2021 · 05/01/2021 19:07

@LanaLielaLie

I honestly don’t feel like I have the strength to end it
Get somebody to do it for you. You owe him nothing. Xxx
Groovinpeanut · 05/01/2021 19:11

@LanaLielaLie

I really don’t think that what he did was rape. The first time we had that type of sex, he kind of pushed it but I went with it and surprised myself because it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. But when I realised how much he liked it I wanted to please him and keep him interested so I carried on. When I said no a few mornings ago it wasn’t a firm no and I was still kissing him etc so it was mixed messages.
You know what happened, you were there. You saying no as it was uncomfortable without lube isn't grounds to brand someone a rapist but that's what people have fixated on. If he's pushy you'll just have to be very clear it won't be happening. I think it being anal has sent some into an attack of the vapours.
SunshineCake · 05/01/2021 19:16

Please end it now. By text. Then start a new thread asking for help in boosting self esteem, confidence and boundaries.

No man, other than your son, is worth going this far. I'd do anything for my kids but not for dh.

Come on. He isn't worth all this.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/01/2021 19:27

You saying no as it was uncomfortable without lube isn't grounds to brand someone a rapist

Actually it is. The type of sex is irrelevant. It could have been missionary but she said no if he didnt use a condom, and he did it anyway. Still rape.

I suppose you could argue that if he had used lube then he had done what she asked in order to give her consent, a lawyer certainly would in court, but he didnt use lube. He did what he wanted, the way he wanted, despite her saying no. That is rape.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/01/2021 19:29

And I say this as someone who has no issue whatsoever with anal, I indulge quite often. But if I say I dont want to do something, anything, then I dont fucking want to and any man who carries on is raping me.

Hyvsvaar · 05/01/2021 19:30

I think you should raise your standards higher than this example 🤢

Hyvsvaar · 05/01/2021 19:33

Jesus was replying to first post and now had a skim
Ffs ditch this abusive loser ASAP

PolloDePrimavera · 05/01/2021 19:40

Op, pls ignore the fucking perfect judgy pps on here. You've made a mistake in tolerating him. And now you've recognised that (I didn't think you were gloating). And I know what you mean about rape, it doesn't have to be at knife point in an alley way, but it was still wrong. Please end it, you don't need to justify yourself, it's just not what you want. At least he's not living with you. Please, please end it.
I'd accept the dog story btw, I'd fight for custody of my pooch.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 05/01/2021 19:45

No mixed messages OP.

You said no to that particular thing.

No should, and bloody well must, be enough.

GypsyLee · 05/01/2021 19:47

I hope you have nothing to do with patients, your judgement is well off.
Please talk to a professional about why you allow men to treat you like this.

SmileyClare · 05/01/2021 19:51

Sexual coercion; unwanted sexual activity when you are pressured, tricked (e.g. I just want to spoon) threatened or feel forced in a non threatening way. Coercion makes you think you owe someone sex in some way.

It is not healthy and indicates a power imbalance. Sexual coercion is classed as a type of sexual assault.

Examples;
wearing you down by asking again and again, making you feel guilty, bad or obligated,
Making you feel it's too late to say No, reminding you you've engaged in the past, making you feel refusing will damage your relationship.

Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 05/01/2021 19:53

Gypsy I can assure you that the patients I treat are at no risk whatsoever due to my personal life and choices.

OP posts:
MindBodyChocolate · 05/01/2021 20:00

@LanaLielaLie I’m sorry you’re in this situation. You said you grew up around toxic relationships so it will be hard for you but you have to know that your life doesn’t have to be like this.

You don’t have to have a ‘partner’ who doesn’t brush his teeth, is a cheat and pushes you into sex you don’t want.

Not all men are like this. The majority have good hygiene and wouldn’t dream of having anal sex (or indeed any type of sex) unless they were 100% sure their partner not only consented but would also enjoy it.

So please find the strength to finish this and spend time by yourself working through your self esteem. You’re a MH practitioner so please reach out to access some support.

Good luck x

CrotchBurn · 05/01/2021 20:05

I cant get past your thread title. It's so vindictive and victorious. At complete odds with your posts. It's all a bit strange.

Panicwiththebisto · 05/01/2021 20:07

It’s never an easy thing to face, if your upbringing has conditioned you to accept being treated badly by others, and you’ve had the courage to keep posting despite still some criticism.

Feel better about yourself that you’ve recognised he’s a bad’un, and fade him from your life.

So many red flags with Mr Minger.

ReinventingTheSpiel · 05/01/2021 20:09

"wasn't as bad as I thought it would be"

What's not to love about sex where that's the best thing you can say about it?

If you can't end it now is this the only thing you want for the rest of your life? You're going to stick with this and hope it gets better?

Onthedunes · 05/01/2021 20:12

You say you are taking things slow and he has left his girlfriend for the 2nd time.

You have posted before with your insecurities about this man.
Will it always be like this every time he walks out of the door from you.

His girlfriend is probably feeling just the same but unsure if he is seeing someone else, I bet she's going insane.

What is your goal?
Do you want him in your life to be your partner?

It sounds though you are trying to get him to proove, you are the one.

Do you have compasion for his ex, who he is probably still having occasional sex with?

This needs bringing out into daylight, do you feel his ex needs to know, as at the moment he seems to be pretending to be single.

I feel sorry for his long term partner, she is in the dark.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/01/2021 20:17

As said by me and countless others upthread, this man is a rapist. At best he is a sexually coercive but based on what you've said he is a rapist.

This specific relationship aside, on a previous thread of yours about the dynamic of being an OW, I shared the following and wondered if it's worth considering as regards your low self esteem and feeling trapped by this relationship when it's never ever going to be easier to leave him than now. He's already trying to stealthily move in. Here's what I said then:

You say you hate that this is how you are.

So what have you actively done to work on changing it?

Have you had counselling?

One of my friends was like this in our early twenties and counselling helped her realise that she felt validated and very attractive if someone was willing to risk their relationship for her. Which is all kinds of fucked up but meant she could work on it. And realised that most of the time they don't leave their wife, so they are willing to risk the wife finding out, but not willing to actually have a relationship with her. So what she felt was validation was actually her being viewed as someone worthy of sex but not love.

She isn't a very nice person and we aren't friends any more for a variety of reasons but to her credit once she uncovered that in counselling and worked on it, she did stop having relationships with unavailable men.

Could that underlying reason be the same for you?

Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 05/01/2021 20:25

I have had counselling, yes. It helped initially but I always slip back under. I definitely feel as though meeting men in this way is the only way to make me feel worthy of love and affection. Obviously what I’m experiencing now couldn’t be any further from that because it all hurts so much. I really didn’t mean to sound victorious or vindictive with the title of this thread - I didn’t give much thought to it at all, I just needed to type something out before I started work as I felt desperate. Believe me, I’m not gloating in the slightest. I feel horrible for his girlfriend, and I do wish she knew what he’d done and what he’s still doing.

OP posts:
GreyGoose1980 · 05/01/2021 20:25

OP
You know this man is no good for you. Please seek counselling to get support to end the relationship. X

Groovinpeanut · 05/01/2021 20:28

@PyongyangKipperbang

You saying no as it was uncomfortable without lube isn't grounds to brand someone a rapist

Actually it is. The type of sex is irrelevant. It could have been missionary but she said no if he didnt use a condom, and he did it anyway. Still rape.

I suppose you could argue that if he had used lube then he had done what she asked in order to give her consent, a lawyer certainly would in court, but he didnt use lube. He did what he wanted, the way he wanted, despite her saying no. That is rape.

But that wasn't what happened... The OP has clarified the situation, described it in more detail when she had a the chance to answer questions in more detail. She's said she didn't see it as rape. She's now got people telling her that despite her clarifying it on more than one occasion that that wasn't the case. You seem to know more than she does, yet she was there. Were you?