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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He left her for me **MNHQ content warning added*

665 replies

LanaLielaLie · 05/01/2021 07:14

His girlfriend of 9 years. I’m ashamed to say there was an overlap - go ahead and flame me. He was unhappy and they were sleeping in separate bedrooms etc. Now he’s moved back in with his mum and we’re trying to take things slow. However, he goes back there every week to see his dog and take it for a walk.

He’s not over her is he?

OP posts:
Vitaminsss · 05/01/2021 13:21

@LanaLielaLie

I’m a mental health professional - I should know better than this. Unfortunately I can’t apply the same logic and rationality to my own life.
😬 what an all around shit show

You can do better than him. He left his ex, really that has nothing to do with you - you’re not indebted to him. He could easily get back with her at any point. Stop sleeping with him and dealing with his non-existent hygiene.

Terracottasaur · 05/01/2021 13:29

Fucking hell OP. He’s an unfaithful rapist with poor dental hygiene who lives with his mum and treats you like shit. Please, please dump him and run a mile.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/01/2021 14:03

He's a rapist. Please don't move in with him, or get pregnant.

You need to end the relationship. However bad the worst things he does now are, they will only get worse.

He has already anally raped you. I'm so sorry - this is way bigger than being the OW originally.

This man is a rapist who uses the fear of him leaving you as emotional ammunition to make you scared of saying no. Coercion at best, but in reality rape from the description you provided.

He will erode your self esteem until none of the actual, original you is left. Please break up with him.

LazyName · 05/01/2021 14:17

Get rid of him and don’t worry yourself about ‘going back to his ex’, she’s probably happy to be rid of him and if not then he hardly sounds like a catch so more fool her!
It’s very easy for strangers to tell you to leave but I don’t feel you will, but please do try!!! Sad

JillofTrades · 05/01/2021 14:25

He does not live with you, not ties and your lives are completely independent so that means you are entirely responsible for the choices you are making here. You have to take accountability for putting yourself in this position. It may sound like the hardest thing but its as easy as blocking him.

Bananalanacake · 05/01/2021 14:56

Don't let him move in with you. I'm surprised he hasn't already tried.

Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 05/01/2021 15:16

He has tried. Last week he asked if he could move his gym equipment into my garage

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 05/01/2021 15:23

Walking the Dog.. is that what we're calling it now Grin

OrchestraOfWankery · 05/01/2021 15:29

Of course he wants to move in with you. You're his carer and sex doll rolled into one.

He's a revolting rapey specimen. I feel sorry for you wanting that in your life.

RenascenceWoman · 05/01/2021 15:39

Please stop OP. This is tragic to read. Read it back to yourself, please! You know he is wrong/this is wrong. He's using you. He's abusing you. He's cheating on you. Play this out a year down the line - is this the life you want? Deserve? Find your self respect and go NC. From today.

Regularsizedrudy · 05/01/2021 15:41

Op you are basically self harming via this relationship. You know this isn’t right. You would be right to consider what he has done to you anal rape, though I appreciate you might not want to label it that. Please please end this now.

pinkyredrose · 05/01/2021 15:58

Last week he asked if he could move his gym equipment into my garage

Did you let him?

Groovinpeanut · 05/01/2021 16:04

For God's sake you're all carping and crowing and talking very patronisingly to a grown woman. All the hand wringing and pearl clutching is going about OTT now.
OP his girlfriend seems happy with him walking his dog. From what you've told us about him he's a sad sorry specimen of a twat.
I shouldn't wonder her associating him with his dog. They probably have the same breath.
It sounds like you're not planning on him being a keeper, I guess you only entertain him because all the crap through 2020 meant he provided a distraction.
If he ends it, you'll be fine, you really will. He's seemingly getting tired of being at mummies now, he's got his sights set on moving in. I'd deny him that privilege. I'd be very tempted to say you'd like a bit more excitement in the bedroom and start looking at strap-ons. With his love of anal it'd be a shame for him to miss out. Tell him you'll happily oblige. You'd avoid his bad breath too.
You'll get by OP your life experiences show you're a fighter. Your line of work didn't surprise me at all.
Take care of you ❤️

pinkyredrose · 05/01/2021 16:07

@16:04Groovinpeanut. You seem to have missed the fact that this guy is massively abusive, he should be tattooed head to toe in red flags ffs.

bearlyactive · 05/01/2021 16:35

@Groovinpeanut

For God's sake you're all carping and crowing and talking very patronisingly to a grown woman. All the hand wringing and pearl clutching is going about OTT now. OP his girlfriend seems happy with him walking his dog. From what you've told us about him he's a sad sorry specimen of a twat. I shouldn't wonder her associating him with his dog. They probably have the same breath. It sounds like you're not planning on him being a keeper, I guess you only entertain him because all the crap through 2020 meant he provided a distraction. If he ends it, you'll be fine, you really will. He's seemingly getting tired of being at mummies now, he's got his sights set on moving in. I'd deny him that privilege. I'd be very tempted to say you'd like a bit more excitement in the bedroom and start looking at strap-ons. With his love of anal it'd be a shame for him to miss out. Tell him you'll happily oblige. You'd avoid his bad breath too. You'll get by OP your life experiences show you're a fighter. Your line of work didn't surprise me at all. Take care of you ❤️
Did you miss the fact that he rapes her? Does that excuse the "hand wringing and pearl clutching"?

OP, I know everyone else has said this but you are worth a thousand, a million times more than him. You say you don't want to be alone, but it's possible to feel alone while still being in a relationship, and that looks like the way your relationship is heading. Would you rather be alone without being raped, or alone with being raped?

MusicalTrifleMonkey · 05/01/2021 16:36

OP are you okay? I can’t understand why you’re putting yourself through this, it sounds as though you have very low self esteem. You need to ditch this tosser and get yourself some support. You deserve better. His ex deserves better. He’s not worth you feeling this way. X

waydownwego · 05/01/2021 16:37

@LanaLielaLie What makes you happy?

You say you're ashamed of the overlap, so you obviously don't take pleasure in having won the 'pick me' dance. Instead, you feel guilty that another woman got hurt.

You say you're anxious he'll go back to his ex at any moment, so you obviously can't relax in his company, thinking about how things might end.

You explain that he pressures you into doing things sexually that you don't want to do, so you're obviously not happy in bed.

I know you don't want this relationship to end, but everything about it is making you unhappy. What makes you think you would be unhappier on your own?

There is absolutely no shame in realising you've gone down the wrong road and turning that car around. You don't have to continue in this direction.

I sense you think this is all you deserve or all you can get, or even some kind of punishment for being the other woman. I can assure you, none of those things are true.

If a friend was in the same situation as you, you wouldn't judge her, would you? Instead, you'd give her a hug and tell her she deserves more than this. You know this isn't right.

Groovinpeanut · 05/01/2021 16:38

Pinkeyredrose you can rest assured that I never missed a thing.
He's no great shake, you're giving him far to much credit. The man is a sad, inadequate, unhygienic little prat who has a failed 9 yr relationship and who's only friend is his dog.
When the OP kicks him to the kerb (and she will one day) he'll still be living with his mummy and an even bigger loser.

PixelatedLunchbox · 05/01/2021 17:54

@LanaLielaLie

I’m a mental health professional - I should know better than this. Unfortunately I can’t apply the same logic and rationality to my own life.

Hmmof course you can. You just haven't chosen to do so. You and you alone are responsible for your life and your actions. No one can walk over you unless you lie down.

Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 05/01/2021 18:14

I am responsible for my actions, and I definitely should have stopped this before it got to this stage. I’m ashamed of myself and the way I am in relationships. I have zero self esteem and I don’t feel like I deserve more or better. I thought him leaving her for me would give me the validation I needed and that I’d feel confident in his feelings for me, but I’m more insecure than ever.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 05/01/2021 18:14

Oh dear,

He's having a high old time of it isn't he?
Women battling for him.

You are degrading yourself by allowing him to sexually abuse you.
Do not let him do this.

This situation will not be resolved till truths are told.
He will continue to abuse you, use his mother and gaslight his girlfriend.

His ex needs to know that you are now in the picture so she can make a real decision, god knows what he's told her, does his mother know you are an item?

Why don't you make the choice instead of him, take the power back instead of being entwined in this triangulated pick me dance.

The only person who is happy here is him.

He is destroying two women, don't let him, you are the only one who knows the truth, and shed light on this.

I'm sure his ex would like to know her partner is anally raping another woman. If she knew that I'm sure she would never touch him again.

Dire, and you say he's not even worth it?
So you're doing this just to beat the other woman and win.

Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 05/01/2021 18:26

I honestly don’t feel like I have the strength to end it

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 05/01/2021 18:40

@LanaLielaLie

I honestly don’t feel like I have the strength to end it
Why? you have told us you had anal sex against your will.

Why put yourself in that possition again.

NancyPickford · 05/01/2021 18:42

I honestly don’t feel like I have the strength to end it

Do you have the strength to continue to live like this?

SmileyClare · 05/01/2021 18:43

Of course you're unhappy. He has no respect for women. He treated his girlfriend appalling by lying and cheating on her. He's treating you appallingly and you are left feeling insecure, weak and can't trust him.

You will have far less strength in a year's time than you do now.

It may feel daunting but break this into baby steps. I would take the advice on here; start by ringing Rape Crisis and talk through the coercive sex. They will take you seriously. That can be your first step.