He left her for me **MNHQ content warning added*

[LanaLielaLie]

His girlfriend of 9 years. I’m ashamed to say there was an overlap - go ahead and flame me. He was unhappy and they were sleeping in separate bedrooms etc. Now he’s moved back in with his mum and we’re trying to take things slow. However, he goes back there every week to see his dog and take it for a walk.

He’s not over her is he?

Police and GP, op.

You can fit bolts fairly easily or change the barrel. You could call a locksmith but that's ££££££££

Either way, get security. You can even get cheap alarms that you stick to doors that sound if someone enters. And they are LOUD.

Speak to the police.

@LanaLielaLie

He’s just left for work.

I got my key back off of him but I’m worried that he’s been and had one cut while I was working but hopefully that’s just me being paranoid. My head is such a mess...I go from feeling like I can’t stand him and wanting him out of my life, to actually feeling sorry for him when he puts the waterworks on. I think he knows that I don’t want this anymore and he’s trying to guilt trip me for sure.

Call the police. Tell them you are in a relationship with someone sexually abusive and intimidating, he has left for work, he doesn't live with you but you are scared he will come back and threaten you / refuse to accept it when you say it's over. Explain he has hurt you with the abuse to the point you will need to see a doctor, you are frightened. Ask them what you can do to keep safe and how they can help you - they may have advice on gathering and sending his belongings for example. Youll need to get the locks changed for peace of mind.

Do not just try and do this yourself - you are not emotionally strong enough to do so at the moment or you wouldn't have had him back after last time.

If you can't do it for yourself then think of your little girl.

You have invited an abusive man into her life and home but it's not too late to get him out of it.

Do not have any further face to face contact with him. Men who are sexually abusive are dangerous. That sounds obvious but I'm saying abusive people are rarely 'just' one type of abusive.

Do this for your daughter.

GypsyLee

I hope you have nothing to do with patients, your judgement is well off.

This is really unfair and sticking the boot in. Is your personal life judgement and professional judgement the same at all times? How does her relationships, self esteem issues, clearly feeling shit and being abused and coerced into sex, relate to her work in terms of her judgement? I’m assuming that her work doesn’t involve the need for judgement on her own personal sex life. Where is the correlation? We are all human including mental health professionals and they get depression and anxiety and are in abusive relationships just like the rest of the population. We just don’t know it when working professionally with them because personal life and judgement, and professional work situations are very different.

Please talk to a professional about why you allow men to treat you like this.

This part I agree with.

How are you OP? Have you made any calls for assistance? What time is he due back from work?

So he cheated on his girlfriend of 9 years with you, yet he goes back their for the ‘dog’ did he actually leave her? Or tell her they needed a ‘break’. Sorry to say but he’s a cheat and he most likely always will be. You’re right not to trust him, you should try to find someone who’s single, I think that’d work.

Just read more of the thread- please please call the police and get some help, you don’t need to put up with this.

Yes, GP and police.

Also, leave the key in the door. Use the back door to go out.

You will never feel secure with this man OP. He clearly has a very high sex drive and sex is his main focus, not you. He is clearly sleeping with his XP too, and doubtless other women.

Something is convincing you otherwise - what is it? Perhaps if you articulate that, MN can help you see the reality.

@Manxiety

You will never feel secure with this man OP. He clearly has a very high sex drive and sex is his main focus, not you. He is clearly sleeping with his XP too, and doubtless other women.

Something is convincing you otherwise - what is it? Perhaps if you articulate that, MN can help you see the reality.

Did you just not bother to RTFT?

Buy a bolt for all your doors and tools needed to fit it. Reread your thread. Make plans. Don't take him back. Text him very firmly it is over then block.

Are you safe today OP?

“But I’m lonely and I like having him around....”
True love then!
Is it his dog or hers?
Honestly, this isn’t going to last is it. Your not even that interested in him you are just lonely and he will do.
What’s wrong with being single? You are still young!
His relationship with her is probably the same, he feels guilty and finds it hard to move on. It’ll be like this for years. Asides from loneliness, why are you with him?

Change the locks!

Hiya Op, are you ok?

@OhCaptain - (no tone here...just replying) I have, yes. And was responding to the OP's wavering final comment. She is clearly struggling with this and he has some awful pull on her that maybe if she voices people can help. Her weakness is a symptom of that, surely. What do you mean?

Don’t feel bad if you have difficulty letting go of the relationship Op. He may turn on the charm to keep from losing you, but he will not stay Mr nice guy for long. If you are not ready to leave the relationship, you are not the first and will not be the last to struggle with an unhealthy relationship. Time will tell you what you need to know. But if you are in a position where you are ready to let go, and he just won’t stay away, consider talking with a family member and a friend and call Women’s Aid

Update

I’m still involved, I’m ashamed and somewhat confused to say. His behaviour towards me has improved in terms of the sexual coercion, and he seems to be making lots of effort to make up for his shitty ways.

I’ve fallen for it, and can’t tell whether he’s being genuine or not. He’s all of a sudden attentive and loving, complimenting me all the time, telling me how much he loves me. When we’re together, it’s really nice and I actually enjoy my time with him.

However, over the past week I’ve been asked to delete a male work colleague from social media, and been accused of messaging others. Now I’ve done this, everything seems rosy. But what next?

I met his sister and her partner the other day too. They were lovely and it made me feel like I’d overreacted with my thoughts and feelings about him because we had such a nice time.

There’s been no more anal but it does get mentioned a fair bit. I know for certain that I don’t want to do it again, with him or anyone, but I’m worried about disappointing him.

I also told my friend about him and she told me to be careful and not rush into anything with him. I mentioned this to him and he got really angry that she was interfering.

This is the first evening I’ve had alone so I’m just pondering and thinking about where this is going.

I know there’ll be a lot of despair, and I know many of you have given up. But I would appreciate any responses.

OP, leave him. Stop doing this to yourself. You need to leave him.

Did tou phone your gp? You need ti tell her you're in an abusive relationship. Ask for counselling.

@Manxiety my apologies. Looks like you were right.

I didn’t go to my GP because the problem sorted itself. I don’t feel as though I’m in an abusive relationship. Am I that deluded?

Why did you tell him what your pal said? What a weird thing to do unless, as others have pointed out, you love the drama. To be fair I don’t think any of this has actually happened, you sound ill and a bit of fantasies.

I fell pregnant when my now ex was telling his other woman we slept in separate beds 🤔
He will be telling both of you what you want to hear to try keep you both sweet 🤷‍♀️but you knew he was still with her when you met so enjoy the karma when he cheats on you 👍🏻