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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He left her for me **MNHQ content warning added*

665 replies

LanaLielaLie · 05/01/2021 07:14

His girlfriend of 9 years. I’m ashamed to say there was an overlap - go ahead and flame me. He was unhappy and they were sleeping in separate bedrooms etc. Now he’s moved back in with his mum and we’re trying to take things slow. However, he goes back there every week to see his dog and take it for a walk.

He’s not over her is he?

OP posts:
Panicwiththebisto · 12/01/2021 16:45

People here are questioning your choice to let him move in.

Ideally, he should move out and leave you in peace, you should tell him to leave you alone and block him for good, and then you should try and rebuild your self-esteem, to help avoid abusive men like him.

No one wants a drama, with blue lights flashing, but that’s probably what it’s going to take to get him out, or you out in a body bag if the worst happens.

If you can’t see it through for yourself at the moment then think of keeping your child safe from him, by getting him out.

Panicwiththebisto · 12/01/2021 16:46

If you can’t physically speak to the Police then show them what you’ve written on this thread.

Quartz2208 · 12/01/2021 16:53

OP I think the problem is you are playing down the risk you take with going back you are already physically injured - going back to him now is bound to further that

And how can your daughter be with you when he is there.

You need to go to the Police

Arobase · 12/01/2021 18:11

Please OP, he's told you that he plans to have sex with you tonight whether you want it or not. It's a plain statement of intention to rape you.

Can you either go somewhere else tonight, or go back home with someone? Maybe ask the police if they can arrange for someone to accompany you to make sure he leaves?

KarmaNoMore · 12/01/2021 18:11

I would be embarrassed too. Honestly, you need to take accountability for yourself, if you continue consciously making stupid decisions you will reap what you sow.

What happens to you doesn’t define who you are or how well your life goes, that’s in the past. It is your own decisions, the ones you are taking now that define where your life goes.

PinotPony · 12/01/2021 18:27

OP, I hope you stay in this thread for support. There have been some blunt responses borne out of frustration but also some very good advice.

Better to be embarrassed and admit to making some poor decisions rather than to keep repeating those poor decisions.

Please ask for help... from a friend, a colleague, the police, your GP... if you ask for help you'll get it.

Whatever you do, don't tell him it's over to his face. That has the potential to be dangerous. Get him out, change the locks, then text him.

Dontbeme · 12/01/2021 18:53

@LanaLielaLie

I can keep my daughter safe, yes.
You have invited a rapist into your daughter's home, so no you can't keep her safe. If you are so determined to be with this knuckledragger bloke at least leave your dd safe with her dad.

Your plan of getting home and pretending until he goes to work will not achieve anything, you will find another excuse for him being in your home tomorrow, and the day after and the day after that. Call the police and get him out, but you won't just like you won't get help at work as by doing so others will learn what is going on in your daughter's home and red flags will be raised about her safety, you would rather protect yourself and this man over your child.

SmileyClare · 12/01/2021 18:56

I feel sick with anxiety and fear, I think he's actually physically damaged me but I'm too nervous to go to the GP

Are you saying you've been forced to have more anal sex since you let him back and he's injured you internally?

Please confide in a friend or colleague and make an appointment. You can phone Rape Crisis centre and talk this through on the phone. That's completely confidential and you will be taken very seriously.

No one will rescue you. You need to take the first step yourself x

Itstimetoquit · 12/01/2021 19:09

I hope your ok,just read the complete thread,how are things now ?

Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 12/01/2021 19:37

I got home and he cried because he says he’s fucked everything up. I didn’t tell him it was over but he asked if he’s what I want and I said I don’t know. The crying then turned into him being horny and I had to push him off. He’s now sulking and apologising for treating me horribly

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 12/01/2021 19:38

And?

Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 12/01/2021 19:38

He hasn’t done anything anally since, but the damage is still there from last time Sad god I’m so embarrassed

OP posts:
Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 12/01/2021 19:39

I need him out and then I’m going to tell him that i can’t see him again and block him. I’m scared but I will block him.

OP posts:
HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 12/01/2021 19:47

Op,
Are you safe right now? And do you need medical attention?
Listen, if this is finally ( no judgement, I'm 4 years out of pretty much two decades of living with (2) abusive fuckers and I have no plans to renounce spinster hood), finally the crisis that effects a change in your mental health then please keep posting here.im concerned that you are in a swift, hard downward spiral.
If you feel there is no-one in your life that you can talk to, then post here. I bet with discussion we could put together a plan and you may find you can talk to some people after all.
But, that takes a back seat until you are safe from him. He's on your fucking sofa, blocking access to parts of your house , using your WiFi to probably send photos of his flaccid dick to other women online. And then he uses that dick to cause you real pain, and injury because he gets off on it. He is a predator and you need to be safe tonight.
I hope you call the police. Even if you don't think you're worth it right now , take the advice of a few strangers and get and keep yourself safe .
Don't dwell on past choices you made, focus on the here and now. And do you have Supervision? I would recommend accessing support.

SmileyClare · 12/01/2021 19:49

Look it's hard to get out of an abusive relationship, you've been manipulated over a period of time so you will start doubting your own judgment. This situation has a danger of going in circles.

Do not tell him to his face. Stick with your plan of waiting for him to leave for work and then messaging him it's over and block.. You say you want to change the locks(?) so I'm assuming you've given him his own key. Sad

Please confide in someone about this. You need back up and support and you need to make this "real".

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 12/01/2021 19:54

X posted!

Do not say anything about wanting him gone before he leaves for work. In fact, what time is he due to leave? Every minute you're there with him is a minute he can use to make your previous anal tear/fissure/bruising feel so much worse.
Do you drive? If so, get in your car. Say nothing . Once in locked car drive around the corner or to somewhere there is light and people in as far as possible
.you then call the police. It is that serious. You tell them everything, absolutely no minimising.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/01/2021 19:55

@LanaLielaLie

I need him out and then I’m going to tell him that i can’t see him again and block him. I’m scared but I will block him.
When is he due to leave the house again?
HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 12/01/2021 19:57

Sorry for typos etc. My one finger typing was a veritable blur of activity. My DC cannot actively watch me typing, or holding a phone as I frustrate them so much. I just wanted to say what I said quickly.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 12/01/2021 20:00

Please listen to tenminuteslyn. And smiley Clare.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/01/2021 20:27

There is no embarrassment in seeing a doctor about this. Please do.

IdblowJonSnow · 12/01/2021 20:41

So sorry you're going through this op.
Please call the police.
You and your child need to be away from him asap.

SunshineCake · 12/01/2021 20:52

Don't spend another night with him. He will force sex. Find a way to get him out tonight. Please.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 12/01/2021 21:27

You say you can keep your daughter safe. How when you seem unable to keep yourself safe?

You let him back in. He cried and said sorry. If he ever got angry near a visiting friend or god forbid your child, would a sorry and tears fix that too? What if it was worse?

You typed this.

This is my life unfortunately, and I truly am sorry for anyone that I’m annoying or upsetting. I’m aware of how stupid I’ve been and still am being.

It is your life. Only you have the power to stop this. It is annoying and it is upsetting because you are not taking the superb advice and the benefit of a collective experience of such matters. And yes, you are being stupid.

I’m sorry I cannot put it plainer than that.

I will go from this thread because I can’t be as nice as you’ve demanded I be. I’m going because I can’t watch this unfold. Self preservation if you will.

Which you need to learn. If not for you but for your daughter.

Your daughter.

Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 12/01/2021 21:28

He’s just left for work.

I got my key back off of him but I’m worried that he’s been and had one cut while I was working but hopefully that’s just me being paranoid. My head is such a mess...I go from feeling like I can’t stand him and wanting him out of my life, to actually feeling sorry for him when he puts the waterworks on. I think he knows that I don’t want this anymore and he’s trying to guilt trip me for sure.

OP posts:
SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 12/01/2021 21:29

Call the police - get this abusive mess out of your life and keep him out.

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