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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He left her for me **MNHQ content warning added*

665 replies

LanaLielaLie · 05/01/2021 07:14

His girlfriend of 9 years. I’m ashamed to say there was an overlap - go ahead and flame me. He was unhappy and they were sleeping in separate bedrooms etc. Now he’s moved back in with his mum and we’re trying to take things slow. However, he goes back there every week to see his dog and take it for a walk.

He’s not over her is he?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 12/01/2021 15:02

Go to the police and report all of this OP - show them the messages explain the physical damage from the sexual assault get him out and arrested for this.

Because what is your alternative. This isnt your fault he is a nasty man. Please go to the police

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/01/2021 15:02

You have a child and are knowingly continuing a relationship with a man who has raped you. Who is a cheat. Who is intimidating.

You. Have. A. Child. Time to do some difficult adulting. Tell him to leave. If he says he won't (which he won't) then you need to call the police to help you get him out.

If you can't do that, you are letting your daughter down by knowingly inviting a scary, sexual abusive man into your lives.

I've been really sympathetic on this thread but there's only so long people can continue to give advice before realising it isn't helping.

Do you want THIS MAN to be anywhere near your daughter, ever? Answer honestly.

HelloThereMeHearties · 12/01/2021 15:03

@LanaLielaLie

I’ll never be able to trust him.
Of course you won't. I was an overlap, but not to my knowledge ( I worked it out afterwards). He then went on to behave the same way to me. And to his subsequent wife, who he tried to cheat on with me.
HelloThereMeHearties · 12/01/2021 15:04

Aargh, sorry, did not RTFT.

sofiaaaaaa · 12/01/2021 15:09

Just going to be frank, if these are the life decisions you are now consciously making, can you even be trusted to keep your daughter safe?

Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 12/01/2021 15:11

I can keep my daughter safe, yes.

OP posts:
sofiaaaaaa · 12/01/2021 15:13

Fuck it, if you actually care about your daughter and genuinely can’t see a way out with this man, why haven’t you self-reported to social services or contacted the police to ensure her safety? Your mental health issues mean that you can’t trust your own judgment and need outside assistance.

Ludo19 · 12/01/2021 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/01/2021 15:14

@LanaLielaLie

I can keep my daughter safe, yes.
You genuinely think if you stay in this relationship, you are safeguarding your daughter?
Whythesadface · 12/01/2021 15:15

Your choice is report him and get help while you have an unwanted house guest
Or your going home to be force to have sex to keep him happy because your scared.
Please call the police, or as said trick him so he leaves the house, you lock him out and call the police when he kicks off.

OhCaptain · 12/01/2021 15:21

You absolutely will not keep your daughter safe.

It's bad enough that you work in MH but this child will suffer for your actions whether that be emotionally or otherwise.

Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 12/01/2021 15:26

I’m going to go home and act normal until he leaves for work, and then I’m going to tell him it’s over. I need to change the locks.

Please don’t post if you don’t have anything nice to say. I’m not attention seeking or bullshitting anyone.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/01/2021 15:29

@LanaLielaLie

I’m going to go home and act normal until he leaves for work, and then I’m going to tell him it’s over. I need to change the locks.

Please don’t post if you don’t have anything nice to say. I’m not attention seeking or bullshitting anyone.

Don't tell him it's over to his face, please please don't do this.

Make sure he's out of the house and at work when you message him. Pack up any stuff he has at yours and send it to his place - fuck it, pay for a courier if it means it gets done.

Call 101 as soon as you've messaged him to let him know it's over and say you have broken up with a boyfriend who is sexually abusive and are frightened he might come back - ask them what steps you can put in place to stay safe.

You deserve more than having an abusive man in your life. So does your daughter, but you're the only one who has a choice in the matter - she doesn't.

You need to get him out of your life permanently.

Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 12/01/2021 15:30

I can see that there’s no support left here on this thread. I’ll leave now and deal with it by myself.

Thank you to those of you who still believe me.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/01/2021 15:32

@LanaLielaLie

I can see that there’s no support left here on this thread. I’ll leave now and deal with it by myself.

Thank you to those of you who still believe me.

There are people still supporting you - I am supporting you by making genuine suggestions to try to help. Others have too. Don't dismiss helpful advice just because some people have phrased things very bluntly and some people have said they don't believe you're real - that's how bad the situation is, people literally feel like they can't believe it. That's how important it is that you end the relationship completely.
Noodles4Me · 12/01/2021 15:35

You've had plenty support and advice and ignored all. So yes, what else is there anyone can do for you?

Good luck, and if real, leave your daughter with her dad for goodness sake where she'll be safe

HelloThereMeHearties · 12/01/2021 15:35

@LanaLielaLie

I can see that there’s no support left here on this thread. I’ll leave now and deal with it by myself.

Thank you to those of you who still believe me.

You might not want to hear what people are saying, but that doesn't mean they're not supporting you.

Please read what @youvegottenminuteslynn wrote, it's very important that you don't tell him when he's physically near you.

YellowBeryl · 12/01/2021 15:39

I think posters are genuinely worried for you and are frustrated that you can see him for what he is but let him back into your home . You know this has been a terrible mistake . If you are sure that you will be 'safe' until he goes to work, stick with your plan but make sure you can get out of the house if necessary. Have you tied phoning Women's Aid, there is no need to be embarrassed or ashamed with them. Good Luck xxBrew

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/01/2021 15:40

OP please do not tell him to his face or while he is physically close to your home that it is over.

That's really, really important as you will not be safe if you tell him to his face.

SunshineCake · 12/01/2021 15:46

Fucking hell. You have a child. He could kill you and where would your child be then? Even if he only raped you again you would be in a bad way. For the love of your child please please please go and tell someone at work and ask for help getting home and getting him out. If you don't, then you can't complain about him anymore.

OhCaptain · 12/01/2021 15:49

@LanaLielaLie doesn't it tell you something that this situation is so awful people can't or don't want to believe it's real?

Stop throwing your toys out of the pram. The people on this thread are NOT your enemies.

If you do decide to leave the thread then at least make sure you take the advice you've been given. Please do that.

Don't end it while he's there and don't have your child around it.

Regularsizedrudy · 12/01/2021 16:09

Part of keeping your child safe is keeping YOURSELF safe. You must understand that surely. You have a responsibility to make the right choices for your child.

Adelais · 12/01/2021 16:19

You need to be strong and end it with this guy ASAP. The priority is getting him out the house. Is he out the house at the moment? If he is put his stuff outside and lock the door and then text him to say it’s over and not to contact you again and then block him.
Is there anyone that could come round and be with you for support?

pinkyredrose · 12/01/2021 16:34

Has he anally raped/coerced you since he's been back? I'm genuinely worried about you, do you have a friend or two who can come back with you for support?

SmileyClare · 12/01/2021 16:41

I'm sorry if you don't feel supported by some of the blunt responses on here. They are probably quite hard to read but sometimes mumsnetters will try to tell you as it is in the hope you'll be shocked into some realisation.

You need to see your situation for what it is. I second the suggestion to tell people in real life what exactly is going on. Get over your embarrassment and shame and speak up. Get support.