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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He left her for me **MNHQ content warning added*

665 replies

LanaLielaLie · 05/01/2021 07:14

His girlfriend of 9 years. I’m ashamed to say there was an overlap - go ahead and flame me. He was unhappy and they were sleeping in separate bedrooms etc. Now he’s moved back in with his mum and we’re trying to take things slow. However, he goes back there every week to see his dog and take it for a walk.

He’s not over her is he?

OP posts:
Candyfloss99 · 08/01/2021 14:58

Do not let him waste one more minute of your precious time. BLOCK HIM. He will still be getting a kick out of knowing you are reading what he has to say.

Groovinpeanut · 08/01/2021 15:13

@LanaLielaLie

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I haven’t blocked him yet so he is still trying. I can see straight through him this time though. I will get there.
The difference is you've taken back the control and direction of your life. You can read what he has to say, and choose to ignore him. It's OK everyone telling you to block him on everything, but then he'll come round. You are now very much in control of the situation. You can read his shite, and as you say you can see through his antics now. Just work on being unavailable. If he comes round, don't answer but make a note of the date and time he calls, if he texts keep the messages on your phone, and don't engage in any conversation. If you tell him to stop, and he doesn't, then that constitutes harassment. Don't reply once you've asked him to stop, as then you are engaging in contact with him, so weakening the harrassment angle. You say he's got issues about your job, let someone you trust at work know what's happening... If he starts call your place of work, make a note of date and times, and if possible who took the call. You say he has photos of you? Are they explicit? He will try to get your attention, ignore him. Hopefully his 'thinking time' will mean he leaves you alone. Keep strong, you deserve better, keep telling yourself that.
SanFranBear · 08/01/2021 15:13

Well done Flowers Stick with it!

TheBlueStocking · 08/01/2021 15:14

Good on you, OP. He sounds like a wanker.

Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 08/01/2021 16:18

It’s not that I want to read what he has to say, I’m just worried that he’ll kick off and turn up at my house if I block him. I’ve replied to some of the stuff but only with the bare minimum. I’m hoping it just fizzles out naturally.

He does have explicit pics of me unfortunately, I’ve been very silly. He had the nerve to ask if he could store some things in my garage for a week or so this morning Hmm

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 08/01/2021 16:24

He is trying to defuse the situation by asking for things as if nothing has happened. Stop replying to him, every time you do you are actively implying/telling him that you may change your mind.

Edgeoftheledge · 08/01/2021 16:25

Op you know what you need to do.

SunshineCake · 08/01/2021 16:26

Just stop reading his messages

Stop replying to him.

Change his name to ex dickhead.

Anything else is just silly.

Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 08/01/2021 16:29

You’re right. I’m going to reiterate that it’s done and then stop replying

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/01/2021 18:04

@KarmaNoMore

He is trying to defuse the situation by asking for things as if nothing has happened. Stop replying to him, every time you do you are actively implying/telling him that you may change your mind.
This is so true. He's ever so manipulative and you're ever so vulnerable OP. Please tell him you don't want to hear from him further and block him. Or just block him. If he shows up do not answer the door to him. If he doesn't fuck off, or returns, call the police.
isseys4xmastinselcats · 08/01/2021 18:30

my ex told me he found his ex in bed with another man turned out they were still living together and he was waiting for his kids to come out of school while he was ringing me (LDR)

Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 08/01/2021 21:35

He’s worrying me now. Telling me he’s coming over 😩

OP posts:
Vitaminsss · 08/01/2021 21:39

Don’t be afraid to call the police

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/01/2021 21:42

@LanaLielaLie

He’s worrying me now. Telling me he’s coming over 😩
Call the police. Explain you've broken up with a boyfriend, have told him you want no contact but you are frightened because he has told you he is coming over regardless, he is controlling and has been sexually coercive and you want their help. They will tell you what you can do now before he comes, what to do if he comes and how they can help after if he does.

You need to send one message to him saying "do not come to my home, or try to speak to me in any other way. I do not want any further contact at all."

Make sure it's written bluntly NOT "sorry but maybe we shouldn't speak for a bit etc" because the purpose of the message is to make it clear you don't want contact AND to put a step in place that means any further contact can be considered harassment by the police and dealt with accordingly.

Quartz2208 · 08/01/2021 21:59

Yes phone police to log lock the door and block

Tell him if he comes over you will call the police

You aren’t blocking because part of you still likes the messages you need to block him for you

Onadifferentuniverse · 08/01/2021 22:05

Oh bloody hell, I hope he stays away

SmileyClare · 08/01/2021 22:20

Men that are subtly abusive or manipulative often show their hand when things don't go their way; you reject sex or want to break up and he's turned quite nasty. I'm not surprised by that.

It's important to remember that none of this is your fault. A lot of the things you say show that you blame yourself for how he behaves.
Realising that you're not responsible for his treatment of you will give you strength. You'll lose any guilt or obligation you feel towards him in separating. He chose to leave his girlfriend, you are not indebted to him because of that; you don't owe him anything in return for his actions.

Stop berating yourself and don't feel embarrassed to confide in friends or family who will support you. Flowers

At this point, I would take the advice above, don't engage with him.

hotpotlover · 08/01/2021 23:15

Hope you're okay, OP

hotpotlover · 08/01/2021 23:15

Hope you're okay, OP

YellowBeryl · 08/01/2021 23:22

I agree with pp. Phone police to ask for advice.
Do not let him in. He sounds controlling and you have broken that control, who knows what he may do. Don't take the risk.

GreyGoose1980 · 09/01/2021 09:22

Phone the police OP as previous posters have suggested. This is the first time you’ve challenged him / broken his control over you and you can’t know how he’ll react. Confide in friends and family if you can. We are here to support you on MN too.

Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 09/01/2021 09:33

Thank you for all of your support. It’s given me a lot of strength.

He eventually gave up and stopped messaging me, but I woke up to declarations of love and him telling me that I’ll be the mother of his babies one day. He also said that he’s lost his dog because he told his ex about me and she’s banned him from the house. Am I supposed to be grateful/apologetic?!

I will call the police if he carries on.

OP posts:
category12 · 09/01/2021 09:46

Block him now.

Hoiking · 09/01/2021 09:55

I call bullshit on him telling his ex about you. Why would he, for a start?!

Well done on staying strong.

TheNinny · 09/01/2021 09:56

Sounds he like he left her....just not necessarily for you 😂

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