He left her for me **MNHQ content warning added*

[LanaLielaLie]

His girlfriend of 9 years. I’m ashamed to say there was an overlap - go ahead and flame me. He was unhappy and they were sleeping in separate bedrooms etc. Now he’s moved back in with his mum and we’re trying to take things slow. However, he goes back there every week to see his dog and take it for a walk.

He’s not over her is he?

Honestly, I’ve only just started to see this for what it is. He’s somehow made me believe that I want the stuff we do, but I don’t. I’m doing it to appease him

GET RID OF THIS MAN!!!! Get him out your life and get yourself together. You deserve better than this. My partner would never ever ever do that to me. There’s bring cheeky and funny but that’s some weird controlling behaviour. Your his booty call!!!!!!

"You better want to another day" AKA letting you know he will rape you soon

He sounds vile. You mean nothing to him.

You are an object he wants sex with and by the sound of it won't take no so lightly next time.

I think it’s more sexual coercion/assault rather than rape. But it’s definitely abusive. And for me to admit that to myself and to type it out here is a huge thing for me.

He’s controlling in other ways too. Especially regarding my job. He absolutely hates me working where I work because he thinks its unsafe and he gets angry. He’s trying to put me off applying for a prison job and keeps bringing that up

Stop ignoring the signs right in front of your face. You are in a good position to end it now before he's moved in.
There will come a time when he's completely battered your self esteem and you'll be too weak to say No. Maybe too depressed to work, it'll all end up going down the shitter.

You stood up to him today. You know you're worth more than this crap so try to stop seeing yourself as a victim of deserving of punishment. You'll be ok on your own x

@LanaLielaLie

I think it’s more sexual coercion/assault rather than rape. But it’s definitely abusive. And for me to admit that to myself and to type it out here is a huge thing for me.

I'm sure as a little girl you didn't dream of a partner who assaults you.

Text him - I don't want to see or hear from you again. Send and block. That is easy to do then posters will support you through the next few days and weeks. Come on. You need to save yourself from more pain and abuse.

@LanaLielaLie

I think it’s more sexual coercion/assault rather than rape. But it’s definitely abusive. And for me to admit that to myself and to type it out here is a huge thing for me.

I'm sorry he's proven himself to be such a cunt but I'm pleased you are starting to see it more clearly.

Do you feel able now to get a plan together for your break up? You can't stay with him, it's not safe and he's just a fucking wanker on top of being abusive. Sexual coercion is abuse.

You don't own or rent together, have no shared kids, no shared pets - it will never, ever, ever be any easier to break up with him than it is right now. So don't delay the inevitable.

He as good as told you that you'd better be 'up for it' next time or there will be consequences. Which will at very best be guilt tripping and coercion. So why put yourself through that? There needn't be a next time - end it, do not see him again and cut contact completely.

This ‘relationship’ is based on coercion and degradation. Please stop clinging to it.

He says he needs ‘thinking time’...again? Didn’t he say that in December? He has been an ace at manipulating you to dance to his tune. He feels confident that you are desperate to keep him and will continue to allow him to disregard your sexual boundaries and trample on your dignity. He thinks that his on/off behavior will keep you thirsty.

You are better than this. So is your DAUGHTER. It’s time to model self-respect and healthy life choices. How would you feel if she felt “validated” by pulling a taken man who treated her like a cheap sex doll? How would you feel if her partner lied and cheated with an OW?

Stop choosing to get involved with partnered men. It’s a destructive dead-end street. You have agency in your own life, so just stop. Get more counseling to examine why you feel boosted by harming other women and choose to cling to abusive losers.

You can change your behavior if you really want to.

So last night after he left, we exchanged messages and I ended it. I’ve woken up to lots of gushy words about how he loves me so much and what an amazing woman I am blah blah blah. It’s taking every bit of my strength not to crumble and fall for it. But I did it. I broke it off once and for all

Block his number.

@LanaLielaLie

I also do things (sexually) that I would never normally do to sort of keep him interested I suppose

You really need to work on your boundaries and self respect. No man is worth this. The quicker you understand that the better.

Well done OP

now then, block the number (please), then go put the kettle on, tea and toast, new day... moving on, nothing else to think about apart from which jam you’re going to spread on top

Let him go. Dump his belongings. Buy a new outfit and treat yourself. Close the chapter.

Stay strong! I am so glad you've ended it. Keep posting here for support, I'm sure the next few days/weeks will have lots of emotions, but you are free of this awful man. I honestly would block him now.

Good for you! You would never have got anything good from that relationship, and your confidence would been ground into dust.
Xx

You are an amazing woman, but that's nothing to do with him. You're intelligent, have a good career, ambitions and you have a great spirit. Well done for standing up to him. You can do this.

Tell everyone you can in real life (friends, family?) that you've split and what has been going on. That will make it "real" for you and provide you with support. As mentioned already, you have support here too

Well done OP! Great advice upthread since your most recent post. Well done!!

Go girl!

Ah well done OP. Now you can start your new life where you are true to yourself. Maybe you should make a list of your reasons for dumping him so you don’t give in.

As the woman who was left for the other woman, I should be more scornful, but mine and my ex relationship started with an overlap. We were very young and still in uni. I ever thought he'd do it to me and 2 kids but he did.

That said - he probably is just walking the dog. My new DP has a dog and I love him (the dog) as much as I love my children - and that's not even exaggeration! As a pp said- dogs become a part of your life.

As for they were sleeping in separate rooms, my ex told the ow we had a sexless spell. Reality was we slept together the morning he left for her. Our sex life was great. My point OP is pease protect yourself. He's lead you both on a merry dance and it's unlikely to end well.

@LanaLielaLie

So last night after he left, we exchanged messages and I ended it. I’ve woken up to lots of gushy words about how he loves me so much and what an amazing woman I am blah blah blah. It’s taking every bit of my strength not to crumble and fall for it. But I did it. I broke it off once and for all

Sorry - totally missed this.

Well done! This is amazing. It's tough but you'll get there!

I’m glad you’ve ended it, he sounds utterly vile.

His departure from your life is something to be celebrated! Don’t ever look back, in fact run in the opposite direction and do not contact him again. He sounds abusive and dangerous. Find another companion who is not the disgraceful man he is. I feel sorry for the woman he has returned to, she should get rid of him as well!