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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He left her for me **MNHQ content warning added*

665 replies

LanaLielaLie · 05/01/2021 07:14

His girlfriend of 9 years. I’m ashamed to say there was an overlap - go ahead and flame me. He was unhappy and they were sleeping in separate bedrooms etc. Now he’s moved back in with his mum and we’re trying to take things slow. However, he goes back there every week to see his dog and take it for a walk.

He’s not over her is he?

OP posts:
angieloumc · 06/01/2021 09:15

He sounds vile OP. The best thing you could do for yourself is end it; his 'ex' I'm sure knows what he's like and with a bit of luck she'll get rid of him too.

Manxiety · 06/01/2021 09:33

The only person you are punishing is yourself. STOP. He is clearly going to end it with you so get in there first. Show some self respect!

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 06/01/2021 09:36

ryLeeOnHigh

I sort of feel like if I end it now then he’s got away with having a 4 month period of having sex on tap, and can go back to his nice little life without her knowing anything

The way you are talking you sound as though you’d be happy if he came back and you can carry on being treated like shite.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 06/01/2021 09:36

Sorry that was to OP - not sure what the auto correct did to her name.

Lougle · 06/01/2021 09:47

You are important and if you don't end it now, you are validating his treatment of you. You can take control back and finish this relationship. And you should.

pinkyredrose · 06/01/2021 09:54

I sort of feel like if I end it now then he’s got away with having a 4 month period of having sex on tap, and can go back to his nice little life without her knowing anything

And?

Anyoldname12 · 06/01/2021 10:01

I honestly don’t feel like I have the strength to end it

It’s not that you don’t have the strength to end it, you simply don’t want to. You want to beat his ex, you want to “win” and be the “chosen one”

He’s not over her is he?
He walked the dog this morning and I replied saying “oh right” because he hadn’t told me he was planning on going round there.
I feel like I have to keep him happy so that he doesn’t go back to his ex.
I’ve just asked what’s happening? He said he’s having some thinking time. I assume this means thinking about which woman he wants - me or his ex?!

And the worst..

I thought him leaving her for me would give me the validation I needed

You need some serious, serious counselling. Getting men to leave their partners, especially such a fucking loser, for validation isn’t healthy and you are more than the man you are shagging.

YOU are worthy enough on your own. BE YOUR OWN VALIDATION. Be enough for yourself. I really really hope you open your eyes OP becsuae you’re wasting yourself doing this pick me dance, you have SO much more to offer than being used by a man, raped (and yes it is rape!) and treat like shit. You deserve better!

SmileyClare · 06/01/2021 10:02

What a horribly manipulative, controlling man. He has no respect for women, no respect for you.

You are a victim of coercive control and are being abused by this man. Recognise that. You are being sexually coerced and assaulted regularly. The way you behave has no bearing on that and does not excuse it in any way. Stop making excuses.

If you cannot end this on your own then you need to seek support in order to do so.

Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 06/01/2021 11:44

I wouldn’t be happy to continue being treated like shite but it has become the norm for me unfortunately. I crave someone to love me and be nice to me so much but I look in all the wrong places. Probably because I don’t feel worthy.

I don’t want to “win” the pick me dance. It’s not a case of me getting the prize - he’s hardly that. I just don’t like what an absolute dick he is and the fact that he’s seemingly getting away with it.

OP posts:
Vitaminsss · 06/01/2021 11:49

You’re letting him get away with it though. You’re part of the problem. Channel your anger into getting rid of him.

Grimsknee · 06/01/2021 11:56

"I don’t want to “win” the pick me dance. It’s not a case of me getting the prize - he’s hardly that. I just don’t like what an absolute dick he is and the fact that he’s seemingly getting away with it."

You need to talk to a professional. This is so messed up. A guy is a "dick" (euphemism for a cheating husband who sexually assaults the OW); you as the OW want to ensure he doesn't "get away" with his behaviour by letting him continue the behaviour?
I mean if a client told you this, is that how you'd advise her to deal with it? I really hope not.

Quartz2208 · 06/01/2021 11:59

You have no idea what he is and isnt getting away with with his (ex) partner. You know nothing about the relationship or what is going on there at all. And its not to do with you either - you cannot control that at all.

ALl you can control is your bit. You are self aware enough to know your self esteem is so low that you are addicted and crave any bit of attention he throws your way. Something he is well aware of and uses to his advantage.

For your own well being you have to walk away. What happens to him or his partner is not your concern you are.

Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 06/01/2021 12:13

I know how fucked up it is. I do. I’ve put myself through unnecessary misery and pain.

OP posts:
Dontletitbeyou · 06/01/2021 14:09

I just don’t like what an absolute dick he is and the fact that he’s seemingly getting away with it

He’s getting away with it because you are allowing him to get away with if . As soon as you overlapped his relationship with his ex , you were letting him get away with it .
He wanted you to get on your knees when you were in your doorstep , and when you declined he pushed your head down and laughed it off . That’s so fucked up . Not only does he not love you , nor respect you , he doesn’t even like you by the sounds of it . He’s a disgusting abuser , but you already know that . It’s time to stop making excuses about why you pick abusive cheating men , blaming yourself for being attracted to toxic relationships etc . You know you’re doing it , only you can stop it , unless you are happy to continue your life with a man that treats you like dirt and shown you he has no hesitation in cheating should the opportunity present itself . It’s never easy , but I fully agree with the quote made by pp , be prepared to lose him how you found him . It’s spot on .

misskatamari · 06/01/2021 14:34

Ugh he sounds worse and worse with every post. Disgusting excuse for a man. I don't know what to say, as only you can change your circumstances, but you seem determined to stay with him, despite it not making you happy.

It doesn't matter what's happened these last few months, in terms of him and his wife, seriously you need to end it, block him and move on. Get him out of your life. Doesn't matter if he goes back to her, it's not your concern (Altho hopefully she's got more sense than to want him back!).

This isn't a relationship. He is using you, and making you feel shit. Dump. Him.

Regularsizedrudy · 06/01/2021 15:09

“ I don’t want to “win” the pick me dance. It’s not a case of me getting the prize - he’s hardly that. I just don’t like what an absolute dick he is and the fact that he’s seemingly getting away with it.”

..so your solution to that is to keep messaging him, chasing him, fucking him.. right.

MaryLeeOnHigh · 06/01/2021 16:30

The way to stop him getting away with anything is to walk away from him. Can't you see that? That way you have taken control away from him.

MobLife · 06/01/2021 16:38

Pick up your phone and block his number.

Done.

Walk away OP you are SO SO much better than this

Buggy1720 · 06/01/2021 17:27

@LanaLielaLie what would you say to some one if they came to you with this on a professional level?

SunshineCake · 06/01/2021 17:28

@LanaLielaLie

Wow. We haven’t spoke since yesterday and I’ve just asked what’s happening? He said he’s having some thinking time. I assume this means thinking about which woman he wants - me or his ex?!
Oh please. Why are you still doing this?

I had a shit upbringing. I craved love. I assume this is why I stayed longer, and went back to, some men. Then I somehow met DH and he was lovely. Nice to me. Called when he said he would. Was so respectful. Completely different from most of my exes. Happily together 25 years, bringing up our children with a houseful of animals.

This could be your life but not with this disgusting thing.

category12 · 06/01/2021 17:30

This is basically self-harm by proxy.

Pretend this was a friend of yours - what would you advise and support them to do? Then start being a friend to yourself.

SunshineCake · 06/01/2021 17:31

He gets away with nothing if you walk away, block him, ghost him.

You come away with more damage if you stay.

SmileyClare · 06/01/2021 18:05

@LanaLielaLie

I wouldn’t be happy to continue being treated like shite but it has become the norm for me unfortunately. I crave someone to love me and be nice to me so much but I look in all the wrong places. Probably because I don’t feel worthy.

I don’t want to “win” the pick me dance. It’s not a case of me getting the prize - he’s hardly that. I just don’t like what an absolute dick he is and the fact that he’s seemingly getting away with it.

This is just you making excuses for being with him. You want the relationship to continue so you've attempted to psycho analyse yourself. You've decided you're going to allow yourself to continue seeing him because you have "issues".

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but stop making excuses for yourself. Nobody will rescue you, you need to do that yourself.

At risk of sounding very patronising Wink I'll present it as an analogy;

You keep walking into a pen containing a dangerous dog. Each time, you get hurt in some way but you feel compelled to do it, even though there are clear warning signs.

People will look on and say Stop doing that you'll damage yourself. People will be able to offer a hand getting you out. People will help you recover, and your wounds will heal in time.

But no one will drag you out, what's the point?. you'll only go back in.
You have to decide to walk out and stay out yourself and the more you keep ignoring the signs and going back, the more damaged you will be.

louise4745 · 06/01/2021 20:15

Do either of you have children?

Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 06/01/2021 21:11

So he came over tonight to talk about things. He wanted sex and I said no. He said he bet he could change my mind. I reiterated that I didn’t want to and he was saying just touch it once. I said no, and he put his hand on me. I removed it. He gets so worked up and turned on, and makes me feel like I’m letting him down by not giving in. But tonight I didn’t and to be honest it felt good. When he left he said “I know you want to fuck me”. I said I didn’t and he said well you better want to another day.

OP posts: